by Daisy Allen
“Oh, um, well firstly, you’re such a good boy, taking care of your Mommy like that. And well, secondly, I’m sure it’s nothing. Grown-ups get tired and sad sometimes too, but usually with a good night’s sleep everything is better.”
“I hope so. I don’t like Mommy sad,” he says, with a slight quivering of his bottom lip.
“I don’t either, buddy, I don’t either. Why don’t I go look for her and bring her back, and let’s see if we can’t make her smile again, okay?”
“Okay. Thanks Uncle Brad, you’re the best. You’re…You’re even cooler than a firefighter.” He pokes me gently in the chest to emphasis his point.
And I pull him into my arms and squeeze him tight. Just as my heart bursts with love for this little precious creature.
I run out of the tent and turn into the side alley.
And into them.
Emily and Silas.
His hand on her cheek and hers on his arm.
Together.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Emily
The tears fall hot and fast.
I don’t even bother to wipe them away as I try to put as much distance between me and the tent where I’ve just left Brad.
You’re the fuck up. I play it over in my head, over and over.
It hurts.
But he’s right.
I did fuck up.
I fucked up back then, and I’m fucking up now.
“Hey babe.” Cadence waves to me as she wanders over from the group of people she’s chatting with.
I cover my face, not wanting her to see me like this.
“Whoa. Wait up, hey, what’s wrong?” She grabs me by the arm and forces me to face her. She’s oddly strong for a woman.
“It’s…ahhhhh.” I brush my hands over my face, wiping off the last stream of tears. “It’s …I’m okay.”
She pinches my ear and growls, “Bitch, you better tell me what’s up or I’m gonna wrestle every last word out of you!”
Her sudden change in voice and tone surprises me so much I burst out laughing.
“What the hell was that?”
“I was being forceful!”
“It worked.”
She grins and pauses, then her face turns serious. “Come on, out with it.”
“Brad.”
“Hmm.”
“‘Hmm’ what?”
“Nothing.”
“Brad is…ahhh, I fucked up!”
“Honey, I don’t know what you did, but I guarantee you, it won’t be the last time you fuck up, so you better get used to dealing with it now.”
“Um, comforting.”
“Thanks. I’m a teacher.”
“Do you have any kids left by the end of the year?”
“Only the ones who didn’t chew through their restraints.”
“Who are you?”
She laughs and slings her arm around my shoulder. “I’m you, babe. I’ve fucked up too, trust me. So I’m going to get you outta this mess.”
“I don’t know how.”
“Look, I don’t know what you did, but I’m going to give you a little insight. Seb says that when they went on tour eight years ago and you didn’t come to say goodbye to Brad, it broke his heart. Like into a million pieces, montage of walking in the rain, watching happy couples at the park broke. And he didn’t really recover for years. That is, if he ever really did recover, or maybe he just got really good at pretending he could live without you. Now you’re back and you’ve turned his whole world upside down. And to boot you brought a little sidekick along to steal his heart as well. Then the one person, this Silas, who he thought was the reason it all went to shit eight years ago really has been a part of the storyline all along. He’s confused, babe. And well, he’s a man. He doesn’t really know how to wade out of that without a little help. That’s where you come in.”
“Where you come in, apparently.”
“You’re welcome.”
“It’s…it’s not what he thinks. The Silas thing.”
“Don’t tell me, tell him.”
“He won’t listen.”
“Make him.”
“I love him.”
“Don’t tell me, tell him. But for what it’s worth, I believe you.”
“Does he?”
“Again—make him.”
“Thanks, bitch.”
“Wha? I was being nice!”
“I owed ya one.”
She gives me a hug to end all hugs and I run over to the stage where I last saw the band going through their soundcheck.
“Brad?” I call out and see Sebastian poke his head out from behind the stage.
“Hey.”
“Hey, have you seen Brad?”
“He went looking for you. He’s probably by our tent.”
“Thanks, Sebastian.”
“Go get our boy, Emily.”
His words surprise me, but they spur me on nonetheless.
I practice what I’m going to say in my head. What he needs to hear…what I’m going to make him hear.
“Emily.” A body steps out of the tent to block me. It’s the last person I want to see.
“Silas.”
“Can we talk?”
“There’s really nothing to say. And I have to go see someone.”
“In a minute. I really want to talk.
“If it’s about Ben, you’ve said everything you’ve wanted to say about that. And I’ve accommodated you. You come and go as you please, which luckily for us, isn’t that often. But so far it doesn’t seem to hurt Ben. When it does, things will change.”
“It’s…it’s not about Ben. It’s about us. Well, about you.”
“What about me?”
“I’ve been reading what you write about the Rock Chamber Boys. And I heard about the editorial piece you’re going to write about them.”
“So?”
“It was really good. I didn’t know you could write like that.”
“Maybe you would have if you’d bothered to read anything I’d written.”
“That’s not fair. You didn’t want me to.”
“Of course I did! Ugh, why are we talking about this? This is old news, Silas.”
“I want…I want you to do a write-up for me. For my band. The String Slingers.”
“What, why?”
“Because I really think you’re going to be huge, and I want people to read about us through you. Be our big break, Emily.”
“No.”
“Why the hell not? Are we not good enough for you? You only want to write about pretty boy Grammy winners?” There’s a sneer in his voice that’s ugly.
It’s not the place to have this conversation, but I’ve had enough of hiding. I take a breath and tell him the truth. “Because I don’t want to, Silas. Because I don’t want to work with you, I don’t want to be near you, I don’t want to have anything to do with you. You’re my son’s father. Fine. I can’t change that. But that’s it. No.”
His eyes grow dark, and it’s a look I’ve seen before. And I’m scared, because I know what’s coming. He reaches out and runs a finger down my cheek and it makes me shiver.
“Come on. We’re older now. We can make this work. You. Me. Ben. Isn’t it what you’ve always wanted?” He takes my hand and pulls it to press against his chest, and it’s all I can do not to wrench it away. “Aren’t I what you always wanted? Don’t tell me that Brad is making you happy. He never could and he never will.” His words, spoken calm and low, drip with vitriol.
I push on his arm, willing him to let go of me without making a scene.
“Don’t you ever touch me again,” I whisper low but firm in his face.
He freezes and grins at me, his finger still caressing my cheek, his arm flexing under my hand.
Then I hear footsteps come to a sudden stop.
“Buddy. Brad,” Silas says, taking his hand off my face as I drop his arm in surprise. “Soundcheck sounded good.”
“What are you doing here,
Silas? Stalking us? Or just Emily?”
“I forgot what a funny guy you are. We actually got called in to replace one of the bands who couldn’t get here on time. It’s our first time here.”
Brad’s eyes don’t leave mine, even though his words are directed at Silas.
“What time are you playing?”
“About 5:30 p.m.”
“Good. Enjoy your set.”
“Thanks, man.”
“It must feel good, opening for the Rock Chamber Boys.”
With that, he grabs my wrist and pulls me away, dragging me to an empty tent and pulling the flap down to shield us. His fist burns as it tugs on my skin, but I ignore it. I’m glad that we’re finally alone.
He drops my wrists and spins toward the tent. His fists curl into balls, and I can see the knuckles turn white. He takes a deep breath and walks back to me, his face like thunder.
“Tell me. God, just tell me you’re not with him.”
“What?”
“TELL ME YOU’RE NOT FUCKING SILAS!” he yells, then shoves a fist up against his mouth, his teeth biting down on it.
“OH MY GOD, Brad! Have you lost your God-given mind?”
“Why is he here? Why was he in Birmingham the other day?”
“Do I have to remind you that he’s in a band too?”
“I’m trying to forget that, ever since his so-called band released their debut album this past summer.”
“Well then, it shouldn’t be any surprise to you that’s he’s doing the same tour circuit that you are. A lot of bands are. It’s a common itinerary for this time of year.”
“But why exactly the same? Why is he suddenly popping up everywhere we are? Is it because you’re together? Or is it because he wants to be?”
“I don’t know why, Brad,” I say, trying to keep my voice low. The last thing I need is my own paper printing an article of me fighting with the rock group I’m supposed to be covering.
“You’re going to have to give me more than that, Emily. You and I, after four years of me following you around like a lovesick puppy, finally, finally get together. I told you I loved you, for fuck’s sake. I’d never said that to anyone. Then I leave and come back after half an hour to see him on your goddamn doorstep.”
“I told you, I didn’t know he was coming and the only reason I texted to talk was to make a clean break with him,” I explain again.
“I know, I know what you told me, and I believed you. I really did. I believed you that Silas wasn’t the reason I’ve been missing you for eight years, every single day, missing you. Thinking of you, wondering where the hell you are, what you’re doing. And then I found out that he’s your son’s father. What do you want me to think? Tell me. Tell me how I can’t think that he’s been part of the picture this whole time. And then to find out you hid it from me? I can only believe so much, Emily. As much as I want to be with you, I can only be betrayed so many times.”
The tension in the air pulls at the air from my lungs. I’m almost gasping.
This is wrong, this is all wrong.
“Brad. Brad…please. Just let me talk. Let me talk and try to listen.” I grip my hand around his wrist; he doesn’t move, doesn’t pull away. “Silas and I are not together. We haven’t been for a long, long time. In fact, the last time we were dating was when you knew about it, just before school ended.”
“But he showed up at your place…and now Ben…”
“After that night with you, well, he did come back. He came back several times, but every time I said no. He didn’t take it well, but finally he got the message. And then we went our separate ways as well. He had some label he was working with, and I went to college. But summer in sophomore year, he came back to London and we ran into each other and, well, we had dated for two years so we had a few drinks for old time’s sake. We had a laugh, and well, fine, yes, a lapse in judgment. We had sex. Once. Once and only once. But it was enough. Nine months later I dropped out of school and gave birth to Ben.”
“And Silas?”
“I told him I was pregnant. He didn’t want a kid, but he wasn’t going to tell me not to. He likes to send gifts to Ben now and then and see him when he’s in town. I dunno, gives him some sort of masculine ego boost. But he’s not a father to Ben, not a real one. Ben calls him his daddy but he really only knows him that by name. A guy who shows up a few times a year with a gift.”
I let go of his wrist, and reach out to run my hand along his cheek. Again, he doesn’t move.
“He’s not a part of my life and he’s not a part of Ben’s life. I wish he were, but he’s not. He’s not a good guy, Brad. Silas is…he’s selfish and arrogant and frankly, he scares me. I don’t want to be with him and I don’t want him around my son.”
“And me?”
“The exact opposite of everything I just said about Silas. I want you. I want you around. I want to be around you. I want Ben to know you, to know what a good man really is.”
He doesn’t look at me. His hand comes up to cup my hand on his cheek, but he doesn’t meet my eyes.
“Please, Brad. I love you.” At some point, not saying the words became harder than saying them.
“I… I love you too Emily. I need to process this. I need time to think. Time to see if I can really trust what you’re saying.”
“Brad, please,” I say, imploringly.
He gently pulls my hand away from his cheek, but doesn’t let go. “I’m sorry, I have to…I have to prepare for our concert.”
“Brad. Please!”
“I just can’t. I can’t do this right now, Emily. I’m sorry.”
“I-I don’t understand why you can’t believe me,” I tell him, his face becoming blurry in my vision.
“If you had had your heart broken like you broke mine, you might.”
He pulls his hand out of mine, and I wonder if it’s the last time I’ll ever feel his touch.
***
“They’re amazing, aren’t they?” a fan yells to me over the noise of the crowd as the Rock Chamber Boys play their last single, “Cadence’s Song,” the one original they have on their album. There isn’t a quiet mouth in the whole festival. Everyone is cheering, jumping up and down, begging for more.
“Yeah, they’re pretty amazing.”
“Are you a fan? This is the first time I’ve seen them live. I didn’t know what to expect really. I didn’t know how a band would sound without any vocals, you know?”
“And it turns out better than you would ever guess. Um, yeah I’m a fan, but I’m also covering them for a story.”
“You’re a journalist? Oh, you’re the one who wrote that piece in the Journal! That’s a great piece. It’s actually what got me to come along to see them.”
“I’m glad you liked it.”
I didn’t know how to tell her it might be the last thing I write about the Rock Chamber Boys.
***
“Emily! Emily!” I hear my name over the beginning chords of their next song and pivot to the right to see Carrie running toward me.
And then she says the words that make my blood turn to ice slush in my veins. “Where’s Ben?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, he was just there with me in the tent, and then he saw you walk past. Before I could grab him, he’d run out, shouting to me that he was coming over to you. I followed him, but he’s not here. Did you see him?”
“No!”
I spin around, scanning for Ben in the crowd. He’s small but I know I could pick out my son’s form in any haystack. The lights from the show sprinkle over the bodies, but it makes it harder to spot him.
“Oh my God, BEN!” Carrie yells out into the crowd, her voice lost in the noise.
“Where is he? BEN! BEN!” I shout, scanning the sixty feet between me and the tent’s entrance wondering what could possibly have happened to him in that distance.
“BEN!” I hear Carrie shouting, the desperation in her voice almost as stark as mine.
Oh my G
od, I can’t think. I need to breathe. I need to stay calm, and just find Ben. Stay calm for him. If he’s in trouble he’s going to need you to STAY CALM! I tell myself.
“BEN! Ben, come to Mommy, baby! Not a good time for hiding! Come out, Ben! Where are you?”
Someone bumps into me. He’s laughing and holding a can that’s sloshing in his hand.
“Please, have you seen a little boy, dark brown hair? He’s wearing a Spider-Man T-shirt, have you seen him?” I ask him.
“Sorry mate, I haven’t. Wanna swig?”
“No, thanks.”
Carrie runs up to me, her face is wet with a combination of sweat and tears. “He’s not over there. Oh my God. Where is he? He was just here, I swear. He wasn’t out of my eyesight for more than three seconds!”
“I know. Just, he’s here somewhere. I’m sure he is. You go over to that side and I’ll stay here in case he comes back, and try to get ahold of one of the crew. Get Hank or Hailey, they should be just over there.” I wave my hand in the direction of the huddle of our people watching the show.
I will myself to breathe. Each inhale stings like a swarm of bees in my lungs. But I tell myself I’ll pass out without it.
Where could he be? What if something’s happened to him, what if someone’s taken him?
The dread both sinks like a lead paperweight in my gut as well as rises the bile in my throat.
I spin, over and over, 360 degrees, 720, 1080, scanning every inch of the space around me, where Ben is supposed to be.
“Emily!” I hear someone call me.
“Hailey!”
“What’s happened?”
“We can’t find Ben!”
“Oh no! Okay, where did you guys see him last?”
“He was with Carrie and she said he saw me walk past and before she knew it he’d taken off. She followed but he wasn’t with me. WHERE IS HE, HAILEY? WHERE IS MY BOY?”
She grabs my shoulder. “Don’t worry, you stay here, I’m going to get some help. Just…just don’t go, he’ll probably pop up and you need to be here!”
In the background I can hear the band playing, but I can’t focus on what it is I’m hearing. It’s just noise and I’m trying to block it out in case Ben is calling for me. God, I wish I could hear his sweet voice right now.
Suddenly the music stops and the lights flash on.
