by Daisy Allen
Withholding just how much it had changed me.
Withholding just how much my whole life had changed since she’d come (back) into it.
Withholding just how much I knew it was wrong to be lusting after my bandmate and best friend’s sister.
Withholding just how much I feared that I was going to go back to living the life I lived when she would inevitably have to leave it.
***
“Anca,” I whisper her name a few hours later, my voice muffled against the mass of her curls brushing my lips.
“Mmmgnightsleepsleeptimehmmmm,” she mumbles back.
“Sleep sleep time later. Motorcycle ride time now.”
Her steady breathing stops for a moment and her eyes flicker open.
“Did you just say ‘motorcycle?’” she mumbles.
I grin at her, knowing I’ve got her. Underneath that demure exterior is a daredevil.
“Come on, snoring beauty,” I tease as I nibble on her ear.
“I don’t snore!” She protests, pulling herself away from me. I grab her by the waist and pull her back against me.
“Okay, okay. You were just breathing out Tchaikovsky’s 1812 cannon section with your nose.”
“Bastard!” She growls at me as she wriggles away, grabbing my t-shirt from the foot of the bed and pulling it over her bare body. “So? You going to show me this motorbike or not?”
***
The lake is like a mirror.
So still, I daren’t even breathe in fear it will shatter the illusion, the cloudless, moonfilled sky reflected in the crystal clear water.
But for all the beauty of the scenery surrounding me, all I can focus on is the warmth of Anca’s face against my back. Her hands grip the sides of my waist as she straddles the bike behind me, as her chest lays against me, her face turned to the side as she drinks in the sights of Lake Annecy by moonlight.
I try not to think about what I’m bringing her out here to do. And why it needs to be done now.
We don’t say a word as we round the empty road that curves around the lake. Further and further away from the town center as the lakeside homes turn from tourist resorts to weathered, alpine chalets.
I know these houses by heart.
They line up like memory tiles along this strip of road, all leading up to the empty plot of land about two miles from the bustle of the main street of the city center. I lead the bike off the road and up a path into the overgrown grass, turning it so we face out onto the water, and turn the ignition off.
We don’t move for a moment, and I wonder if Anca’s fallen asleep. A deep sigh a minute later eventually answers my question and I feel her peel herself away from me.
“Where are we?”
“Still in Annecy.”
“I mean… this spot. Where are we?”
“Do you like it?”
She slides off the bike and takes a few steps forward. We’re mere feet from the water. But it’s so still I hold my breath, as if scared she doesn’t realize that that the glass like reflection is an illusion. That it’s not the night sky she’ll be stepping into.
“It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
I rock back on my heels, still straddling the bike, watching her skin turn an almost translucent quality, ethereal, in the hazy light.
“Agreed.”
She doesn’t hear me and takes a few more steps forward. Then, before I can stop her, she kicks off her sandals and runs into the water, up to her waist, before diving under, engulfed by the lake.
“Anca!” I call out and run to the edge of the water, throwing my leather jacket off and reaching for my boots.
She surfaces, her head emerging first from the water, breaking the seamless face of the lake, her arms rising to follow, splashing overhead, drawing an arc of crystal clear drops against the night.
“Come in here. The water’s beautiful.”
I know she must be crazy. This time of year, the water has only just thawed, trickling directly from the Swiss alps. I can see my breath against the cold air and yet she’s wading in the water like it’s a heated pool.
“You’re crazy.” I shake my head.
She ignores my words and dives under again, the shallow water hugging to the curve of her ass as she wades out further.
“Anca!” I shout in a whisper, not wanting to disturb the inhabitants of the nearby houses. Not wanting to disturb the indescribable peacefulness in the air.
She doesn’t answer and I can see her body draw ripples under the water as she swims even further out.
“Fucking hell.” I murmur as I realize I have no choice.
I kick off my boots and take a tentative step into the water.
“Shiiiiiittt,” my breath hisses, as my body tenses from the cold. How is she swimming in this? “Seriously, will anyone even know if I leave her out here?” The image of Jez flashes instantly in my brain and I sigh and try to ignore the cold as I wade right in.
She emerges from the water again, running her hands over her hair, pushing it away from her face. She grins at me and crooks a finger, urging me deeper.
“This was NOT what I had in mind when I suggested the motorbike ride,” I murmur to myself as I wade out to her, feeling the cold water seep through my clothes and chill my bones.
She watches me, her eyes never leaving mine. As I near her, within ten feet, I see her hand moving back and forth under the water, creating ripples that reach me, little circular waves that crash against my body before creeping to all corners of the lake. Then, before I can lift my arms in response, I watch her drag her hand from the water, and splash me.
I catch a handful of stinging cold across my face, my mouth still open in surprise. Her laughter echoes across the water, and she grins as she lowers herself into the water, cupping her hands full of freezing lake water. I run to her, my legs stiff from the cold and dragging under the water, but I reach her just as she tries to launch her next attack at me, catching her arms by her side and holding her laughing, wriggling body against me.
“You’re going to pay for that!” I promise her, and she squeals, trying to escape. I turn her to face me, and in an instant, her laughing mouth freezes, before she presses her lips against mine. The cold water turns into liquid silk. Warm and inviting in a second. Her arms come up around me, her hands in my hair, my hands cupping her ass, lifting her legs to wrap around my waist.
The blood rushes to my groin, and I want her. Want her more than I’ve ever wanted anything. She groans against my mouth, feeling my need grow hard against her. Even surrounded by the cold, she heats up every part of me. I’m immune to it all, everything but her.
“Marius…”
“Fuck, Anca… God, I can’t get enough of you,” I growl against her mouth as we pant for breath before tracing the line of her neck with my tongue.
She purrs in response, and I feel her reach under the water, in that space between us, grasping my hardness in her hand. It’s like an electric shock through my whole body, and I can’t help but bite down against her shoulder.
“Ugh… Marius…” She groans, as if in pain.
“Sorry...”
“No… I liked it.”
“Don’t tell me that. Or I’ll do it again.”
“Okay,” she says, her hand gripping me tighter, making my brain lose all function. “I like everything you do to me,” she rasps in my ear.
I move my mouth to her nipple, taut and hard under the t-shirt, wrapping my mouth hard around it.
“Holy fuck… Marius…” She groans, arching her back, pushing herself harder against my mouth. Her need for more increases the intensity of the moment, and I push her hand away from my cock and push aside her panties as I thrust forward, driving myself deep inside her.
“Oh!” Her moan catches in her throat as I lift her ass, driving her hard against me.
All I want in that moment is to feel her come. And somehow hold off my own orgasm until she does.
“You are so fucking sex
y, baby…” I groan into her ear, as the sound of the water splashing around us grows faster, my hips thrusting short and fast into her sweet, tightness.
Her breath catches as she wraps her arms around my neck, meeting my thrusts with her hips, each rock forward pushing the tip of my cock deeper into her.
“Marius…” she moans huskily into my ear, and I bite my lip, distracting myself from my impending orgasm. I want to feel her body give into me before I release.
“Come for me, Anca… I want to feel you succumb to me.” I urge her.
Her hands move to hold my face and her eyes lock with mine as I feel her clamp her legs tighter around my waist.
Her hips start to rock faster against me, and I can barely hold her without us both falling into the water.
Her eyelids start to widen, and I know she’s almost ready.
I pull away from her gaze for just a moment, to drag my tongue over her hardened nipple, and in that instant her whole body contracts, tightening around mine like a boa.
“Oh god!” she screams out, her muscles rippling under my fingers, and I can’t hold on any longer, I feel my cock squeezed like a vice. I drive myself faster and faster into her, feeling my own body jerk and jerk and jerk until there’s nothing left. I’m empty, inside her.
Her legs fall from my sides and we sink into the water. Her legs straddling my hips, as her arms brace against my chest.
My skin sizzles against the coldness of the lake, as my body boils from the inside.
And I can’t help but want to do it all over again.
I reach forward, tucking a wet wisp of hair behind her ear.
“You’re such a sexy wet nymph,” I whisper and she giggles. The sound flittering over the surface of the calming lake.
“You’re the one who brought me here to seduce me with a skinny dip.”
I smile at her, saying nothing.
She pulls herself to her feet, and drags my own body up, taking her hand.
We step quietly and carefully toward the shore, the water streaking off our clothes to return to the glass like reflection of the night. I lead her back towards the bike, wrapping my still dry jacket around her arms and pull her against me
“I didn’t bring you here to seduce you, Anca.”
“Then why did you bring me here?”
I just stare at her, trying to figure out how to answer her.
“Marius? Why did you bring me here?”
Shit. You know it had to be done, and yet you let it come to this. Do it now, Marius. You have to do it now.
I pull away from her, and she settles onto the seat of the bike, watching me as I take a step back.
“Marius? Talk to me.” she prompts me again.
I close my eyes before I speak.
“I brought you here, to tell you… we can’t keep doing this.”
She doesn’t make a sound. Or even move.
It neither gives me the courage to continue, nor stops me, so I keep going, before I lose my nerve.
“I can’t do it to Jez. I… just can’t.”
This time she does speak.
“And did you figure this out before or after you fucked me one more time.”
“Anca…”
“I can’t fucking believe this,” I hear her mutter under her breath. And it breaks me. “What IS this place, Marius?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, is this just some random empty plot you found along the lake, and you brought me here to break up with me because no one could hear the things I’m about to say to you?”
“NO! I…”
“So I’m asking you again. Where. Are.We?” she demands, and I know she knows.
“I… I own this plot.” I finally admit.
She slides off the bike seat and turns a full 360 degrees. She waves her hand, gesturing around her. “This piece of land…”
“I own it.”
“Since when?”
“For a few years now.”
“And you brought me here…”
“Because I thought it was a nice place we could talk.”
“Bull shit.”
“Anca…”
“Why did you bring me here?”
“I don’t know… because it’s quiet.”
“Double bull shit.”
“Tell me then, why do you think I brought you here?”
“Apparently to sleep with me, once last time, before you broke my fucking heart.”
“No. And you know that’s bull shit, as well.”
“So, why did you bring me here, then, Marius?”
And I tell her, even though I shouldn’t.
“I DID bring you here to talk. But, I brought you here to show it to you. Because no one else knows about it… and I wanted to show it to you. I wanted a memory of you here, with me. Before…” My voice trails off.
“Doesn’t sound like something you’d do with someone you want to walk away from.”
“I don’t. Want to. And you know that. But we can’t keep doing this.”
“Doing what, Marius.” Why does she keep making me say it?
“This. Being together. You KNOW that it’s going to hurt Jez.”
“But it doesn’t have to.”
What is she talking about? Has the cold gone to her ever-loving mind?
“It will. You know better than that.”
“Look, what I mean is, it won’t hurt him, if he doesn’t know. We don’t even know what this all means, Marius. But don’t we owe it to ourselves to find out? Don’t you want to be with me?” There’s a crack in her voice, in it feels like it’s traveling down my heart as well.
“So much it hurts, Anca. But… you don’t know what I owe him.”
“It can’t be more than what I owe him, Marius. But even I know that all he would really want is for me to be happy. And he’d want the same for you as well.”
I take a moment to hear what she’s saying. Can it really work out that way? What kind of person am I that I can do this to one of my best friends?
“Anca, I- I didn’t bring you here to have sex with you one last time…”
“I know.”
At least there’s that. “I don’t want to lie to him, Anca.’
“We’re not. We’re just taking some time to figure out what this all is. It might come to nothing, and then we won’t have hurt him for nothing.” I shake my head. It can’t be that simple. It’s just delaying the fact. “Marius… look at me. Let’s just give it a few more days, okay? We’ll figure out what this is, and how to tell him. Believe me, I know my brother, he only wants what’s best for me.”
“He’s not going to think that that is me.” He might love me like a brother, but no one is ever going to be good enough for Anca. And I can see why he thinks so.
She pulls gently on my shirt, forcing me to lower my mouth down to meet hers in a soft, gentle kiss. Damn. I can’t walk away and she knows it. “You ARE what’s best for me. And we’ll make him know it too.”
I can only hope that she knows Jez as well as she thinks she does. But something tells me, I might know him better. For once, I wish that I’m the wrong one.
Chapter Twenty-three
Anca
“Where the fuck have you been?” Jez yells at me when I step into my hotel room.
I push Marius back out into the hallway before Jez sees him and close the door behind me.
“What’s up bro?” I say, pushing past him and into the bathroom, turning the shower on.
“I said, where the fuck have you been all night?”
“I went for a walk, I was still too hyped up from the concert. What’s the big deal?” I try to keep my voice light, my hands busy so I don’t give myself away.
“Well, I called you at 6, to tell you that they’ve moved the call time up, and you AND Marius both missed a briefing meeting this morning. Where were you?”
“Nowhere in particular. I ran into him on my walk and so we went to grab a coffee. We didn’t know there was a meeting,
not our fault we missed it,” I shrug.
“No, I know my guys, they never miss meetings. He didn’t even pick up his phone,” Jez says, like he knows it’s my fault. If only he knew it was because Marius’s hands were busy roaming my body to answer the phone.
“Well, that’s not my fault! Anyway, get out of here. I need to take a shower so I can be on time for you and your precious band’s rehearsal.”
“Anca.” He says my name. Like he does every time he’s about to give me the third degree about something.
“What?”
“What’s going on?’
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You better not. Be careful, Anca. There’s a reason why I’ve kept you apart from this life.”
“You didn’t keep me away from it. I was in school. But I’m a big girl now, Jez. It might be time you start to get used to that.”
“You might be a big girl, but I’m still your bigger brother. And I’m telling you. Don’t do what I’m thinking you’re doing.”
“I’m showering, that’s what I’m doing. And you’re leaving.”
He looks at me for a moment before he grabs his phone and leaves.
And I take Marius’s jacket off and hold it to my chest before hanging it up, reluctant to wash his scent off me.
But it’s not Marius I’m thinking of as I get ready to shower. It’s Jez, and how he’s really going to react when he finds out. And what I’m going to do if I have to choose between them.
***
One year ago
“Anca, this is your big brother. If you don’t call me back within 12 hours, I’m breaking down your door. Listen to my voice. Do I sound like I’m kidding? Call me back, Anca. I’m worried about you.”
I delete his voice mail and pull the blanket tightly around me. The light from the phone screen is too much and I switch it off completely. The room falls into complete darkness, and it’s only then I can take a full breath.
Knowing that the phone isn’t going to ring again.
That it’s not going to be Jez looking for me.
Or the Maestro.
That no one can reach me, at least for the moment.
The problem with darkness is that it’s the perfect canvas for thoughts.
