by Daisy Allen
Memories of the night before come crashing back.
Me, frozen on stage, the entire panel looking up at me, waiting, judging, finding me wanting even before I’ve played a note. Here, in Nice, of all places.
He said that I was a star.
He said they weren’t ready for me.
Maybe what he meant all along is that I’m not good enough for anyone.
“My angel, angela, what did I tell you? You should only ever play for me. No one else deserves you. No one else understands your talent.”
His words creep along the insides of my veins and I can’t block it out.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow I will quit the music program and go home. I tell myself, I promise myself.
The promise brings me relief and I pull the blanket against my face to catch the tears.
But it doesn’t stop the thoughts. I’m a failure. I’ve failed. I will never be able to face Jez again. I will never be able to tell Mommy and Daddy that I did it. I was a good girl after all.
***
“You have no one to blame but yourself, Anca. You insisted on performing without my approval, without my consent, and what happened? Do you think I tell you these things to hurt you? No! No, my girl, I tell you these things to protect you.”
I sit at my harp, hands in my lap, and all I can feel are his words filling my brain like acid.
I shouldn’t have gone against his advice. He was right.
“I thought I was good enough…” I whisper.
“But you are not. Not yet.”
“Maybe I never will be.”
“You will be if you listen to me. And only me.”
“I just want to perform. I want to share my music.”
“But only for those who deserve it, Anca. And they don’t. They will only laugh.”
He comes up and runs his hand over my head, cradling the back of my neck as I lean against him, the tears streaming down my face.
“Shhh, quiet, little one. Come away with me, and we will create our music together. Music that only we can appreciate, that only we can understand.”
“JUST WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU”RE DOING?” the door slams open and before I can react, I feel a hand wrap around my arm and yank me to my feet.
“Jez!”
He ignores me and spins around to the older man, backing away against the harp. “You stay away from her, you talentless, perverted hack!”
“JEZ!” I try to pull my arm out of his hold. He just tightens his fingers around my wrist. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“Young man, I think you should leave.” The Maestro says, that voice, that voice that scratches along the inside of your brain.
“You’re not going to think I’m so young when I’m done with you,” Jez growls at him.
“Jez! Let me go!” I yell, trying to break free from his hold. What is he doing here?
“No, you’re coming with me, Anca.”
“No! I can’t…”
“Stop… for fuck’s sake, stop saying that!”
“She’s right. She can’t go with you. She’s going with me.”
“Over your dead body,” Jez hisses and he takes a step towards my teacher.
The Maestro takes a step back. I’m not surprised, Jez is tall and very intimidating. “Now, calm down. I think this is all a misunderstanding. Let’s just sit down and talk.”
“No, I think the time for listening to you talk is over. Anca. Get your things, we’re going.”
“Anca. You know what will happen if you leave with him,” the Maestro warns me. Warns me, that there’s no place for me out there.
I rip my hand away from Jez and step away from him. “He’s right. There’s no point, Jez. I’m better off here. It’ll be better for you too.”
For a moment, the hurt in his eyes almost penetrates my self-pity. But I know it really will be better for him if my troubles aren’t his.
He takes a step towards me, and this time gently takes my hand in his.
“When will you learn, nothing is better without you in it, Anca. You’re my little sister. There’s nothing more important. And I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to come back for you. And that you’ve been suffering alone here with all these lies. But I’m not going to let you waste away here another minute longer. Now pick up your things, and let’s go.”
The dam in my chest breaks, and the tears flood my eyes. And for the first time in years I Iet myself hear the voice that loves me. It’s time. To go with Jez. I know it is. Jez has come to save you. Let’s go, Anca. Let’s go.
I turn to pick up my bag and reach for my harp.
“If you leave, you leave the harp as well. You don’t deserve it.” His words cut through my temporary relief like a firebrand.
“No. I… I can’t..” I turn back to Jez.
“Anca. Wait for me by the door.” He tells me. I hesitate and he smiles, and I know I’m safe. “Go.”
As I move to my escape, Jez takes a step towards the instrument, looking in the middle of the room, then with a force of rage I’ve never seen from him, I watch as he slams his hand against the wooden curve, and watch it splinter under his fist, the strings crumbling into a discordant mess.
“Jez!” I yell. The Maestro just stands there, mouth agape. He looks so much smaller than even just a moment ago. I turn back to the harp,and suddenly I feel as the crumpled strings are falling from my wrists, the broken restraints releasing me.
“Come on, Anca,” Jez says as he strides towards me, taking my hand in his. “Let’s go.”
I linger, just for a moment.
“No, don’t look back. Only forward from now on.”
I swallow, and force myself to echo his words.
“OK, Jezzy. Only forward.”
He saved me. Jez came back to save me. Just like he always said he would.
Chapter Twenty-four
Marius
Jez steps out into the hall from Anca’s room before I can pretend I wasn’t pressed up against it, listening.
“Hey, man…” I say, trying to come up with an excuse for being there.
He reaches over and slams me against the wall. It’s more the shock of it that renders me speechless than the force.
“Stay away from my sister, Marius. I mean it. I’m not going to say it again.”
He stares at me, pupils locked on pupils for a moment, unwavering. Dead hard.
And then he pushes off me, and is gone.
Fuck.
***
Meditation is not working.
Yoga is not working.
My chai latte that may or may not be generously spiked with rum is definitely not working.
My brain is splitting in two knowing Anca’s sitting just a few feet away in front of me on our private charter plane, and Jez, just a few feet behind.
He’s been staring me for the last few hours, I can feel his eyes boring into the leather of the seat. As if he knows every indecent thought I’m having and is just waiting for me to get up and declare it or ravish his sister right in front of him.
We spent the day in Annecy rehearsing for our big concert in Nice tonight. Not that I could concentrate. I spent half the time telling myself that I couldn’t do this to my Jez, not after everything he’s done for me. Not just as a bandmate, but as a friend.
Then I’d turn, and there she’d be, and with just a slight glance, my whole body would jerk alive. She’s only been a part of my life for a few days, and already I can imagine the whole future ahead with her.
But I can’t do it.
I can’t do it, Jez.
So I sit here, torn between the two of them, body and mind in constant turmoil, staring straight ahead, until I can tell her. It’s got to end.
“Fuck-a-doodle cock!” Dennis’s voice rings out from his seat in the back.
“Whoa, calm down old man, you’ll have an attack… in that spot where others have a heart!” Brad jokes as we all get up and huddle around our manager.
> “Shush, B!” Hailey admonishes him before handing Dennis a drink, “What’s going on Dad?”
“Just got an email from the guy on the ground in Nice. The theatre’s been shut down by some inspector. We’re out a venue tonight.”
“Shit crickets!” Hailey curses, and I catch Jez’s eye as we both suppress a laugh; she sounds just like her Dad. For a moment he forgets and flashes me a grin, but it fades fast and his face turns hard and he looks away. The act makes my heart constrict and I physically feel ill. We argue and banter all the time, but even when we argue over something more serious it’s never something that stops us being able to communicate.
“So – what do we do? Do we have to cancel?” Sebastian asks.
Dennis sighs and looks up at us without answering. He looks tired and despondent. “They said there’s no way they can get the venue open in time for tonight.”
I don’t need to look up at my friends’ faces to know that they’re all scrunched up like mine. The last thing we ever want is to disappoint our fans. We have the same memories of having saved and then lining up for tickets, traveling for hours to get to a town for a concert, only to go home, never getting to see your idols. Things out of our control happen all the time, but it doesn’t stop it from downright sucking.
“Guys?” Anca’s voice cuts through the silence. “I think I have an idea. I’m not sure it’s doable but it might be worth giving it a try.”
“Sure, spill it.” Hailey tells her.
“Um…” her voice wavers and she starts to sound nervous. “Nah, it’s stupid.”
I watch Jez out of the corner of my eye and see him go over to her, whispering quietly into her ear and giving her shoulder a squeeze.
She opens her mouth and he nods, giving her some encouragement.
“Well, um, I spent a semester in Nice in my junior year, and down by the beach they hold concerts all the time. There’s a stretch along the esplanade and I’m sure you can set up a basic sound system and there’s pretty much unlimited room along the beach there. My class used to perform there a lot, lunch time concerts and stuff.”
“You did?”
“Um… I… um, I didn’t personally. Um.” I catch her eye and give her a little smile which seems to calm her down a little before she continues. “But, er, my class and my bandmates did. I’m sure I could even give some of the local musicians a call. Maybe we could make a free concert out of it? Might be easier to get the city to agree to it then?”
No one says anything, taking in Anca’s words. The silence grows for a few moments and then Hailey shoots to her feet.
“You.” She points to Anca, who takes a step back in response.
“Come ‘ere.” Hailey crooks her finger. Anca doesn’t move. Jez gives her a shove in the back after a pause and she falls towards the taller woman. “You freaking genius, you!” Hailey yells as she wraps Anca up in her arms and shakes her.
“Uh… .ok… um… yup… it was just an idea…” Anca struggles to get out, suffocating in Hailey’s hug.
“Hon… honey…” Dennis says, trying to pull her daughter away from Jez’s sister. “Let her go! We need her to help us get everything organized!”
“Fine!” Hailey finally lets go of Anca, who stumbles back before Emily steadies her, giving her a big grin and wink. Anca burns bright red and my heart flutters at how she responds to the attention.
I look away, accidentally glancing at Jez who scowls, probably from seeing me stare at his sister, and turns his head away quickly, folding his arms.
“Well… ok! Let’s get this new show on the road!” Dennis springs to his feet, looking like a new man. “Hailey, you get onto getting permission from the city and Anca, come with me and let’s see who we can come out to this thing.” He gently leads her to the front of our chartered plane, talking a mile a minute.
I sit back down in my chair and can’t help but watch as her face lights up as he asks her questions and ideas for the outdoor concert.
Minutes fly by and I don’t even realize he’s sitting next to me until he speaks up.
“She’s not like us.” Jez says, and I jump at the sound of his voice. I’m not really sure what he means, but I think he might be about to shed light on it. “She hasn’t been part of this… this world for the last ten years, like us. She’s not ready. She’s still… she’s still very young.”
“She’s 21, Jez.” I’m not sure what I’m hoping my contribution will do.
He just turns to me and looks at me as if I don’t understand anything.
“That’s just an age. She’s… not ready. She’s… she’s gone through some stuff, had a rough childhood, with… you know.”
I nod. I know how hard it was on him as well. “You brought her here, Jez.”
“So I could watch over her. I didn’t think I’d have to be watching over one of my own bandmates as well.”
He’s right. And being near Jez must be so good for her, I see the way he supports her. She must have missed that all these years she’s been at school and him on tour with us.
He’s so right. And yet. I know I’m good for her as well.
So I make a decision. A decision I hope doesn’t condemn me to hell.
“Jez.” He turns and looks at me for the first time since he sat down. “You don’t have to worry about me.”
He takes a pause before speaking. “You sure?”
I take a breath and tell him what he needs to hear. “Yes. There’s nothing going on with us.” And then I heave myself out of the chair and disappear behind the curtain of one of the bed bays at the back of the plane before the acidity of the lie to my best friend burns a hole in my chest so big, it feels like my heart will fall out.
Chapter Twenty-five
Anca
It takes Dennis, Hailey and their team only minutes to come up with an entire strategy for the event. It is fascinating to me to watch them in motion. It’s enlightening to me to watch Hailey act with such poise, with such confidence. Dennis is firm with her, but leads with love and gives her every opportunity to make the decisions. At first, I think it’s because she’s his daughter. But then as we sit there on the plane, drawing up the plans, he never fails to ask for my opinion.
“You’re the one who knows the place well – do you think this will work?” He asks about different aspects of the concert, and I can’t help but get swept up in all the excitement. The ease in which he instills confidence in me is so… unfamiliar to me, I almost get heady at the feeling of inclusion.
The plane lands with a screech of the tires and I don’t even realize that the whole hour flight had flown by. Hailey gives me a wink as she steps off the plane, her phone already glued to her ear. I watch as the rest of the band file out, Seb and Brad drowsy from their naps. Jez stops by my seat, waiting for me to get up.
“Ready, sis?”
I smile up at him, I know he’s trying to ease the tension between us. I just don’t know whether it should be eased or not. Sooner or later, he’s going to have to realize, I’m not the same weak Anca anymore. I’ve grown. And he has to let me grow.
“Ready, Jez. Just let me grab my jacket and I’ll be right out. You go first.”
A frown flickers across his face, and he glances to the back of the plane before sighing and disembarking.
“Marius?” I call out to the back of the plane. He doesn’t answer. “They’ve all gone. It’s just us. We’re meant to meet at the hotel in an hour.” Still silence. “I’m not leaving until you come out.”
“Just go, Anca.”
“You did hear me just say I’m not leaving, right? What part of our interactions in the last few weeks would give you the indication that I’m going to change my mind?” There’s a sigh and a rustle, and his head pokes out from behind the curtain.
He adopts a blank look on his face. “Yes? What?”
“I’m not going to talk to a floating head, Marius, come out.”
“What part of our interactions in the-…” he starts mimicking me.
And then stops and steps out from behind the curtain. His hair is ruffled, and he looks tired. And all I want is to hug him. Be near him. Bury my face in his chest. Tell him everything is going to work out just fine.
“Let’s go – I want to show you something.”
“Jez-..”
“Shhh. Come on, everyone’s gone to rest at the hotel. We have some time. I have to tell you something. Please.” I hold my hand out to him, and my heart stops as I wait to see if he’ll take it.
He steps forward and slides his hand into mine. And it’s like there was never a moment it wasn’t there.
***
We take a car from the airport and it takes us along the pristine coast of Nice. The sea lays out in front of us almost like a canvas of blue oil paint. I have to stop myself from the urge to reach out and touch it, as if I can feel the soft ripples like dried bumps of paint under the whorls of my fingertips, instead of the warm, crystal blue waters of the Mediterranean. I press the button on the side of the door and the window opens to let in a soft, salty breeze, toying with the wisps of hair on the nape of my neck.
It’s new. It’s all new.
It’s been over a year since I’ve been back here, and the memories of that time comes rushing back. A time of complete confusion, of darkness. Seeing it now, it’s not like coming back. It’s like arriving somewhere new for the first time.
We sit in silence for the twenty minutes it takes to get to our destination. I gesture to the driver to pull over to the side of the road and Marius gives me a funny look before following me out of the car.
We stand like awkward figurines on the side of the road until the car drives off, leaving us finally alone.
I spin, slowly, first 50, then 90, then 118, then the full 360 degrees.
Taking it all in.
The Côte d’Azur on one side.
The shell of the abandoned church on the other. Grey rubble and errant weeds scattering the ground. We’re more than a mile from the center of town, but you can still hear the sound of cars dodging the tourists, sandals crunching along the pebble beach.
