by Len Webster
“No,” she said. “Evan, I chose Landon because it felt easier to be with him. Because well, I love him, but it wasn’t easy. Being with you in Brookline was all the truth I needed. When I kissed him and tried to be with him, I couldn’t. I kept thinking of you and what you did for me. You protected my image at the sacrifice of your place in my heart and life. Landon would never do that for me. He would never choose me over his wants and needs. He didn’t.”
“AJ,” Evan murmured. “What did he do?”
For a moment last night, she chose a man who could selfishly hurt her over someone who had been so selfless when it came to her life and happiness. The realization had her chin dipping with shame. “He brought some girl back home with him while I was in Massachusetts. We were almost intimate last night, and he didn’t say anything. He wasn’t going to say anything, but we didn’t have sex because I realized I didn’t want to be with him because of you. I overheard his roommates talking about him being with another girl.”
“AJ …” He paused. “Are you telling me he almost risked your health?”
Alex sighed. “Yeah, but they didn’t have sex. She approached me while I was in the library and told me the truth. But don’t worry, I went to the clinic this morning and got tested just in case.”
“I’m gonna—”
“You’re not going to do anything, Evan. It’s over. For good. Forever. He abused and betrayed my trust. There’s no way I can forgive him for something like that.” Alex uncrossed her legs and straightened them, feeling them ache and plead for comfort after her run.
Evan was silent. After a few moments, he asked, “So what happens now?”
“We’re seriously going to have this conversation now? You just got back to Stanford this morning.” She let out a soft laugh. “Don’t you have class?”
“I just left my study group. I’m done for the day before practice. So can we have this talk?”
Alex sighed. “Evan, you know I love you.”
“I love you, too—”
She pressed her back harder into the concrete. “But while I was at the gym, I was thinking. Right now, I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us if we start something. And it wouldn’t be fair to my relationship with Landon, either. And I know you’re going to say that Landon and I are over, but I want to look back and know that I did right by that relationship.”
“I understand.”
“Evan …”
“Yes, AJ.”
Alex felt her heart hammer in her chest. She knew who she wanted, but she also knew what she needed. And that was time. If it was ever going to work with Evan someday, he had to give her time. “You know what I need.”
“I do,” he said in a soft voice. “Please ask me for it.”
She froze, shocked that Evan wanted her to ask him for time. Her heart stopped before it clenched hard. He began to chisel the name of another’s from her heart so that he could replace it with his own someday.
Or maybe he’s chiseling it away to find his name still engraved within.
Alex swallowed hard. If Evan continued to search for his place in her heart, he’d find it in time. And she knew he would wait until she was ready to heal the scars and bruises he left on her soul.
“I need to be alone for a while. I need to focus on me. I need to focus on classes before summer break. This isn’t me choosing him or you. This is me choosing me. I want to love myself. I want my own validation. I want to be proud of my choices. I want my dreams. You gave up so much for me to have a normal college experience, and I want that. I want to honor what you sacrificed for me because I never really experienced it on my own. I was always the captain of the basketball team’s girlfriend. I want to be so much more than that.” Alex glanced over at the photo of her and her ex-boyfriend from his championship game. A pang erupted in her chest, and she knew that she needed time to get over him and not just be known as his girlfriend.
She was sick of being a label.
Sick of being known as someone else’s.
Little Miss Red Sox.
Landon Carmichael’s girlfriend.
She was ready to be the Alexandra Parker she owed not only Evan but also herself.
“And I’ll give you that,” Evan announced. “All of it. I’ll wait.”
“No, Evan, you don’t have to—”
“I need to,” he added. “I need to. I’ll give you space and time. But I need and want to wait for you, AJ.”
Alex felt a new sensation consume her chest, just where her heart once beat with Landon’s name. The part of her that missed Evan Gilmore rose, doubling and taking space another once took. “How about we make a pact? A best friend pact. Not like the promises we made on your steps last time.”
“Okay,” he said, sounding hopeful.
She inhaled a deep breath and released it slowly. “We’ll try during summer break. When we’re back home in Brookline and don’t have the pressure of being in two different states, we’ll try. We’ll start new and forget everything else. Just you and me. What do you say?”
He was silent.
For a long time, all Alex could hear was his soft breathing.
“Yes,” he whispered. “Yes, summer. I’ll meet you back home. The next few months will be good for us. But I have one request about this pact.”
Her brows furrowed, skeptical of what was to come. “Umm, okay?”
“No silence,” he declared.
“No silence?”
Evan hummed. “Yes, no silence between us. Last time, it was my fault, and I’m so sorry. But this time, I’m in it forever. For a spot in your life. But I can’t do this if we have silence. We have to talk to each other. We have to communicate. I’ve missed you, AJ. I miss talking to you. I miss you just being with me. I miss all of you, and I want to talk to you about your day every single day until summer. Until I can see you again.”
Her heart clenched as butterflies swarmed her stomach. It could be possible to be with Evan someday, but she knew today wasn’t that day. She’d be his best friend until they saw each other back in Brookline and decided where they went from there.
So Alex gave herself a second to think it through.
To see if doubt would cause her to hesitate.
It didn’t.
“Every single day, I want to talk to you about your day, Evan,” she agreed with so much hope that maybe this time, it might be possible for them to work.
“I can’t wait for every single day with you, AJ.”
Me, too, her heart whispered.
On Saturday night, the captain of the Duke lacrosse team hosted a party at his house off campus, and it was already in full swing. The music thumped as Alex sipped her beer. It wasn’t the most appetizing drink on the menu, but now that she wasn’t the captain of the basketball team’s girlfriend, special drinks weren’t available to her. Alex was just another sophomore, and she didn’t mind. She had no intentions of getting drunk, but the beer in her hand was enough to take off the edge of being at a party without Landon. But so far, it hadn’t worked. Her discomfort at the party worsened when several guys from different Duke sports teams approached her and asked for a dance or to go talk outside. Alex refused every single one of them. According to Savannah, Alex was quite the prize to a lot of the jocks—there were even rumors of a bet to see who she’d rebound with. Alex rolled her eyes when Savannah told her that; she would not be pulled into such childish games because right now, dating was off the table.
“You need another one?” Savannah asked from next to her.
Alex shook her head and set the red Solo cup on the kitchen counter. “No, I’m good.”
“I can get you something else to drink,” Dean, the captain of the men’s lacrosse team, offered.
“No, that’s okay. I’m set for the night,” she assured him.
Savannah raised her cup, and announced, “Incoming.
One of Duke basketball’s defenders is approaching.”
Alex spun around to find Chase approaching her, beer in his hand and discomfort on his face. “Hey, Chase.”
“Hey, Alex,” he said once he reached her. His posture was tense. “Enjoying the party?”
In all her time with Landon, Chase had always seemed uncomfortable around her, though she was grateful to him for telling her the truth about her ex-boyfriend’s activities while she was away. “So far, so good. How are things? How was the game?”
Chase’s lips pressed into a fine line. “Things are awkward. It’s been a rough three days since you left. He blames me for what happened, and I feel like a shit friend. But at least we won tonight.”
“That’s great that you guys won.” Alex shook her head at him. “And no, Chase, it’s not your fault. You did me a favor. Landon wasn’t honest with me. He was probably never going to be honest with me about Kelly.”
“You knew it was with Kelly?” He sounded surprised.
“Yeah. She approached me at the library the next day and said they didn’t sleep together,” she explained.
Chase raised his brow. “And you believe her?”
She shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. I’d already gotten checked earlier that day.”
“Clean bill of health?”
“Yup. Clean bill of health. Hey, listen, seriously, it’s not your fault, Chase. If I could make it less awkward between you guys, I would, but I can’t. I wish he didn’t have to lose you and your friendship, but I don’t want to be with Landon after that. I’m sorry.”
He smiled at her. “It’s all right. Landon will just have to deal with it—”
“You fuckin’ asshole!” She heard shouted from her right, and Alex turned to find her ex-boyfriend launching himself at his teammate, shoving him into the counter.
“Landon!” she shrieked, grasping his shirt and trying to pull him off Chase.
Punches were thrown.
And she heard Chase groan.
“Lan, stop!” Chase ordered, taking Landon’s hit.
Alex pulled on her ex-boyfriend’s shirt once more, desperate to stop his assault on his teammate. Landon swung his arm too far back, hitting her in the jaw and causing Alex to stumble back into someone else’s arms. She let out a harrumph as she looked up to find that the arms keeping her safe were Walt’s.
“That’s enough!” Walt growled. He turned her and inspected her jaw. “You all right, Alex?”
Where Landon’s elbow connected to her skin ached, but she’d be okay. She reached up and pressed her palm to her injury and then nodded. “Thanks, Walt. I’ll be fine.”
“Baby, I’m so sorry—”
Alex spun around and pushed Landon away, taking in Chase and his bloody face. Her ex-boyfriend had shown a side of himself that Alex had never thought was possible. “I’m so sorry, Chase.”
He finally got himself up and wiped the blood from his mouth, shaking his head at her. “I’m fine, but are you all right, Alex?”
“Don’t ask her that!” Landon hissed.
She swung her furious gaze at him. “What is wrong with you? He’s your teammate!”
“Who has always had a thing for you! He’s the reason we’re over,” Landon argued. One look at his gleaming eyes, and she knew he was drunk.
“We broke up because you lied to me! You were dishonest. This has nothing to do with Chase. You hooked up with someone else days after I left for Boston. You kept calling and telling me you missed me, but then you took someone home with you. That’s not loving and missing me,” she argued, her tears now making an appearance. She didn’t want Landon to see them and think they were for him. She was frustrated and angry that he ruined her night.
“Alex, are you okay?” Savannah asked.
“Dude, you’re dripping blood all over my floor,” Dean complained.
She glanced down to see the droplets of Chase’s blood on the white tile floor and her ex-boyfriend’s bloody fists. Exhausted, she gazed up to see the pleading in Landon’s eyes. “Come on. I’ll help you clean yourself up,” Alex said.
Landon reached out for her hand, but she pulled away and then spun around. She didn’t wait for him. She pushed past the people who witnessed the fight, ignoring their whispers. When she made it down the clear hallway, Landon gripped her arm and spun her around.
“Alex,” he begged.
She pulled her arm free in disgust. “The Landon I fell in love with would never do that to his teammate and one of his best friends. What has gotten into you?”
“I miss you.”
“No, you don’t. Because if you did, you wouldn’t have attacked Chase. He’s done nothing wrong. You’re the one who lied,” she said, raising her voice.
Landon winced. “He likes you.”
“And I loved you! I don’t care for Chase in that way. You’re all I cared about, and you showed me a side of you I am so disgusted with. You can’t dictate who I talk to. I’m not your possession, Landon.”
“No, but you’re my girlfriend.” Sadness consumed his bright blue eyes.
Alex shook her head. “They’re not the same thing. I am not your possession or your girlfriend.”
“But I love you.”
She pressed her lips tightly together, refusing to admit that she still loved him. She didn’t want him to know, and he didn’t deserve to know. Just as she was about to tell him that he can clean himself up so she can go home, he grasped her shoulder and yanked her into him. His lips collided with hers, taking her by surprise.
For a single moment, she got lost in that familiar feeling.
That familiar desire.
For a single moment, she felt hope for them.
But then Landon’s tongue met hers, and she tasted the whiskey. He was drunk. She pulled back, breaking his kiss. Instead of backing away like she expected, Landon’s hands cradled her jaw, causing her to wince in pain. His mouth attacked hers, causing her to squirm and try to fight him. To pull away from the Landon she didn’t know.
It wasn’t working.
It seemed with every heartbeat, he became rougher.
He became desperate for her.
“Landon, stop!” she begged, pulling away for single moment before he turned her and pushed her against the wall, his body colliding with hers. “Ow!”
“Alex,” he moaned as his lips found the corner of her mouth.
“Landon, you’re drunk. Get off me!” His palm pressed harder against her jaw. “You’re hurting me!” Tears now fell down her face.
“LANDON!” a voice shouted.
Seconds later, her ex-boyfriend was yanked off her, and Alex blinked her tears away to find Walt and Savannah in the hallway with them. Savannah appeared horrified and shocked. Walt had nothing but rage flashing in his eyes.
“I’m sorry, Alex,” Landon’s roommate said.
Alex wiped her ex-boyfriend’s abusive kiss from her lips, stepped forward, and finally slapped the self-entitled asshole across the face. “I loved you, Landon. How dare you do that to me!”
Landon flinched. He didn’t even attempt to soothe her slap. “Why are you giving up on me? You’re not my sure thing when you were always my everything. We were together for ten months, Alex. Are you really going to throw away everything because of one mistake? Wasn’t I good to you? Why did you go back to Boston and not fight for us?”
“Not fight for us? You gave up on us. And everywhere I went at Duke, I was reminded of you. My heart couldn’t take that. You were good to me. But this …” She pointed at him swaying in front of her. “This isn’t you. This isn’t the Landon Carmichael who was nervous on our first date. You’re not the Landon Carmichael I loved and chose.” She blinked her surprising tears away. “I loved a different you.”
“He’s drunk,” Walt stated.
“That doesn’t mean that�
��s okay, Walt,” Savannah hissed, pushing the men aside and carefully wiping Alex’s tears from her face. “Let’s go home.”
Alex nodded as she saw Landon’s eyelids fall, realizing just how intoxicated he was. So she directed her anger to Walt. “You tell him in the morning what he did tonight. That he forced himself on me. He hurt me. He hurt Chase. Most importantly, tell him I never want to see or speak to him again.”
Sadness and understanding swirled in his eyes. He opened his mouth to say something, but he quickly shut it before he nodded. “I’ll tell him.”
“And tell Chase I’m so sorry,” Alex said before she left her drunk ex-boyfriend in the hallway and returned to campus with her roommate.
80 Hg
mercury
ALEX
Now
“Happy to be home?” Uncle Rob asked, getting her attention. Robert Moors was one of her father’s best friends. Having grown up in Melbourne with her father and mother, he was married to her mother’s best friend, Allison, and had an adoptive son, Romeo, and a biological daughter, Rosie Melissa. Uncle Rob and Aunty Ally adopted Romeo when he was twelve and had their daughter four years later.
She smiled at her uncle who had been the Australian Men’s Olympic coach for almost five years. He was even his son’s coach throughout his ongoing Olympic career. “Very happy. How’re Romeo and Rosie doing? I miss them.”
Uncle Rob smiled, pride sweeping his light blue eyes. “Rosie’s in her last year of high school, can you believe it? The kids miss you, too. Rosie and my wife wish they could’ve been here, but Allison doesn’t like Rosie to be left alone. And Romeo would be here if he wasn’t training in South Africa for Worlds.”
“He’s still on track to attempt three back-to-back gold medals?” Alex asked as she set her apple juice down on the dining table.
“He’s gonna try. I don’t see why not. Thirty-four and he’s still at his best. He’d have had four back-to-back gold medals had he not gotten injured at his second Olympics—”
“Rob, seriously?” her father interrupted, causing Alex to laugh.
Her father pressed his hand on her shoulder. “Rob, my daughter’s too nice and loves you too much to tell you that all the row talk confuses her. She’s a physics genius, not a sports reporter.”
