The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz

by Mordecai Richler

  Right there, on St. Joseph Boulevard, was a newly opened mission. The neon sign outside the little shop proclaimed JESUS SAVES in English and Yiddish. Another bilingual sign, this one in the window, announced THE MESSIAH HAS COME, over open copies of the Bible with the appropriate phrases underlined in red.

  “Come on, guys,” Duddy said.

  Somewhat hesitant, the boys nevertheless followed Duddy inside. Trailing snow over the gleaming hardwood floor, they ripped off their stiff frozen gloves and began to examine the pamphlets and blotters that were stacked in piles on the long table. A door rasped behind them.

  “Good afternoon.” A small rosy-faced man stood before them, rubbing his hands together. “Something I can do for you?”

  “We were just passing by,” Duddy said. “Hey, are you a Hebe?”

  “Of the Jewish faith?”

  “Yeah. Are you?”

  “I was,” the man said, “until I embraced Jesus.”

  “No kidding! Hey, we guys would like to know all about Jesus. Isn’t that right, guys?”

  “Sure.”

  “How we could become goyim, like.”

  “Aren’t you a little young to —”

  “Could we take some of these pamphlets? I mean we’d like to read up on it.”

  “Certainly.”

  “Blotters too?” A.D. asked quickly.

  “For keeps?”

  “Of course.”

  Duddy gave Samuels a nudge. “Hey, sir,” he asked, “you ever heard of F.F.H.S.?”

  “I’m afraid not.”

  Duddy told him about it. “I’ve got an idea for you, sir. Lots of guys there are dying to know about Jesus and stuff. Our parents never tell us anything, you know. So what I’m thinking is why don’t you come round at lunchtime tomorrow and hand out some of these free and stuff to the guys, eh?”

  Racing down the street, A.D. goosed Samuels and Duddy pushed Abrams into a snowbank. The boys stopped short outside the Lubovitcher Yeshiva and began to arm themselves with snowballs. “They’ll be coming out any minute,” Duddy said.

  They had come to torment the rabbinical college students before. During another cold spell they had once given one of the smaller boys the alternative of having his faced washed with snow or licking the grill of the school fence. Stupidly, the boy had chosen to lick the grill. And there he had remained, his tongue adhering to the iron, until medical help had come.

  “Here they come, guys!”

  “Jesus saves. Read all about it!”

  The alarmed students drew back into their school just as the F.F.H.S. boys began to pelt them with pamphlets and snowballs. Two bearded teachers, armed with brooms, charged down the steps and started after the boys. Duddy led the retreat across the street. There, joining arms, the boys marched along, stopping at the corner of Jeanne Mance Street to stuff a mailbox with snow. They sang: Oh, Nellie, put your belly close to mine.

  Wiggle your bum.

  2

  After he left school that afternoon Mr. MacPherson decided that rather than getting right on a streetcar, instead of waiting in the cold and fighting for a place in the rush hour, he would go to the Laura Secord Shop to buy a box of chocolates for Jenny. Directly across the street from the shop was the Pines Tavern.

  Once in the tavern, Mr. MacPherson was careful to seat himself two tables away from the nearest group of laborers. He decided that he had been morally right to call Kravitz a coward. But after he had delayed his trip to the Laura Secord Shop twice more he admitted to himself that there were more urgent reasons why it had been wrong to insult Kravitz. Tomorrow or the next day the bottle of ink on his desk would be mysteriously overturned. Pencils and sheets of foolscap paper would disappear from his drawers. The boys would be given to fits of coughing or, at a secret signal, would begin to hum “Coming Through the Rye.” On his side Mr. Macpherson would bombard the boys with unannounced exams and cancel all athletics, assign at least two hours of homework nightly and suspend a few boys from school for a week, but he would not use the strap.

  Long ago Mr. MacPherson had vowed never to strap a boy. The principle itself, like the dream of taking Jenny on a trip to Europe, keeping up with the latest educational books, or saving to buy a house, was dead. But his refusal to strap was still of the greatest consequence to Mr. MacPherson. “There,” they’d say, “goes the only teacher in F.F.H.S. who has never strapped a boy.” That he no longer believed in not strapping was beside the point. As long as he refused to do it Mr. MacPherson felt that he would always land safely. There would be no crack-up. He would survive.

  Outside again, waiting for his streetcar, Mr. MacPherson kept kicking his feet together to keep them from freezing. Flattened against the window by the crush of people in the rear of the streetcar, anxious because the man next to him was sneezing violently, he thought, Another eight years. Eight years more, and he would retire.

  Only when he hung his coat up on the hall rack did he realize that he had forgotten to buy that box of chocolates for Jenny. There were two strange coats on the rack. The woman’s coat was gray Persian lamb. Briefly Mr. MacPherson considered slipping outside again.

  “Is that you, John?”

  “Yes.”

  “Surprise, John. We have visitors. Herbert and Clara Shields.”

  Ostensibly her voice was cheerfully confident, but Mr. MacPherson was familiar with the cautionary quality in it, and the fear also. Calling out to him, even before he got out of the hall, was a warning. Automatically Mr. MacPherson reached for the package of Sen-Sen he always carried with him. He also lit a cigarette before he entered the bedroom.

  Jenny sat up in bed. Her mouth broke into a small, painful smile. Mr. MacPherson smiled back at her reassuringly and averted his eyes quickly. “Hello, Herbert, Clara,” he said. “How nice to see you again.”

  Big, broad Herbert Shields charged out of his seat and grabbed Mr. MacPherson’s hand. “You old son of a gun,” he said.

  “Herbert and Clara are in Montreal for the Pulp and Paper Convention. They’re going abroad this summer. Herbert’s been made an assistant to the vice-president. Isn’t that lovely, John?”

  “It is indeed. I’m very happy for you, Herbert. How nice of you to remember us. Really, I —”

  “Look at him, Herbert,” Clara said. “He hasn’t changed one bit. He’s still our John. I’ll bet he thinks we’re dreadful. Materialists, or philistines. John, are you still a what-do-you-call-it? A pacifist?”

  “You old son of a gun,” Herbert said.

  The Shieldses had kept in touch with most of the old McGill crowd. Jim McLeod had his own law firm now and was going to stand for parliament. Chuck Adams — Hey, remember the time he sent out invitations to the Engineers’ Costume Ball on pink toilet paper? Well, Chuck has finally married Mary. Walsh is Eastern Sales Manager for Atlantic Trucking and Wes Holt is buying up salmon canneries left and right on the West Coast.

  Mr. MacPherson knew that Clara would write letters to all of them explaining why they never heard from John. “He’s a failure, my dear, absolutely, and the Colby girl, the minister’s daughter if you remember, well, she’s turned out an invalid.”

  After the Shieldses had left, first making him promise that he would call them at the Mount Royal Hotel, Mr. MacPherson gave Jenny her medicines. He had meant to work on his history test papers, long overdue, but he was too tired. So, remembering to unhook the phone, he got into bed. He told Jenny about Kravitz.

  “But what a rude thing for you to have said about the boy’s father. I’m surprised at you, John.”

  “You ought to meet my boys one day.” Mr. MacPherson laughed out loud. He reached over and touched Jenny’s forehead. “Good night,” he said.

  Jenny awakened him around three in the morning, complaining of a nagging pain in her chest. He thought of calling Dr. Hanson. But Dr. Hanson would say that Jenny must get a month’s rest in the mountains or he wouldn’t be held responsible for the consequences, and then he would shake his head, mildly exaspera
ted, and prescribe the usual sedatives, so Mr. MacPherson administered the sedatives himself.

  “Would you like me to read to you for a while?” he asked.

  “Thanks, anyway, John. But I think I’ll be able to sleep.”

  Mr. MacPherson sat down in his armchair and passed the night overlooking her difficult sleep, squeezing his hands together whenever she coughed.

  3

  Duddy didn’t get home until after seven o’clock. His father was out, but he found Lennie in the bedroom.

  “Hi!”

  “Duddy,” Lennie said, “how many times have I asked you not to barge in here when I’m studying?”

  Duddy’s face flushed.

  “Look, Duddy, half the guys who flunk out do it in their second year. Anatomy’s the big killer. Your supper’s on the kitchen table.”

  Duddy ate his frankfurters and beans standing up, poured himself a glass of milk, and returned to the bedroom. “We got a new class master today,” he said. “Mac, of all people.”

  No answer.

  “Hey, guess what? I heard a rumor that a sort of mission’s opened up on St. Joseph Boulevard and the jerk who runs it is going to hand out pamphlets and stuff at F.F.H.S. Isn’t that an insult to our religion like? I think somebody oughta complain.”

  “Look, Duddy, I really must get back to work.”

  Duddy jumped up. “You don’t have to worry about your fees next year. I’m going to get a job as a waiter up north for the summer and you can have all my tips.” Embarrassed he fled.

  “Duddy!”

  “I know,” Duddy said, half into his coat. “Uncle Benjy is gonna take care of your fees.”

  “I think I’m going to be free Saturday afternoon. You want to come to the movies with us?”

  “Aw, Riva wouldn’t like it. I’d be a fifth wheel like.”

  It’s true, Lennie thought, and come Saturday morning he’d regret that he had asked Duddy to join them. “You’re coming with us, that’s definite.”

  “Sure.”

  “Hey, where are you going?”

  “I’m invited to a musical evening at Mr. Cox’s house. All the guys are.”

  Young Mr. Cox, the newest teacher in the school, was, in Duddy’s opinion, the World’s No. 1 Crap Artist. Once he had dropped into Irving’s Poolroom after school to talk to the boys — a terrifying intrusion. Another crazy thing he had done had been to come to the Students’ Council tea dance in the gym one day — not so when you remember that he danced three slow numbers with Birdie Lyman. But, wackiest of all, he invited the boys round regularly for musicales. Mr. Cox’s music was a bore. But there were plenty of Cokes, hot dogs sometimes, and lots of laughs. Best, of course, was Mrs. Cox, who was always chasing after you with questions like are you jealous of your younger sister and how do you feel about restricted hotels, as if their parents could afford them.

  After the second musicale Mrs. Cox tried to do something about the boys’ language. “I know very well,” she said, “that you only use those words for their shock value and that’s silly, because you can’t shock me. You ought to know the correct anyway. We can begin by naming the parts of the body. Bo you all know what a penis is?”

  “Sure,” Duddy said. “A pinus is a guy that plays the piano.”

  That ended the language lessons, but not the quarrels about Jane Cox. One night the boys detected the shadowy shape of an unmistakably black lace brassiere under Jane’s white cotton blouse and this prompted Duddy to observe, “A broad who wears a black brassiere means business.”

  “Maybe it wasn’t black, smart guy. Maybe it was just a dirty pink one.”

  At this Duddy howled derisively.

  “O.K.,” Tannenbaum said, “it’s black, let’s say, but she could wear it only for her husband’s sake.”

  “She wouldn’t need it for Cox, you jerk, because he can see her completely any times he feels like it.”

  This silenced everybody but Hersh. “You have to make everything dirty. Nothing’s good for you unless you can make it dirty.”

  That night, while the others were pretending to listen to a symphony, Duddy slipped out into the hall to examine the bookcases. He did not notice Jane Cox hovering over his shoulder until she coughed. Blushing, he shut the book quickly and retreated. “I was reading a book, that’s all. I wasn’t stealing anything.”

  “But nobody accused you of stealing anything.” She picked up the book — U.S.A. Dos Passos. “Do you usually read such heavy stuff?” she asked with a faint smile.

  “Why not, eh? You think I have to be a moron just because my old man is a taxi driver? My brother’s studying to be a doctor. I read lots of books.”

  “Are you sure,” Jane asked, still smiling, “that you didn’t pick up this book simply because you were looking for… sexy passages?”

  “Look, I’m not the kind of a shmo who has to get his sex secondhand.”

  Jane brought her hand to her mouth, suppressing a giggle. “Don’t be alarmed. When I was your age I used to flip through modern novels for the same reason. It’s normal. You’re just at the age when a boy becomes aware of all the secret powers of his body.”

  “Oh, will you leave me alone? Will you please leave me alone?”

  Duddy rushed into the bedroom, grabbed his coat, and ran down the stairs. Outside, it was snowing and he had to wait a long time for a streetcar. He sat down on the seat over the heater and melting snow ran down his neck. Later, he thought, Jane would tell Shmo-face Cox about catching him with that dirty book. Tomorrow Cox would repeat the story in the Masters’ Room and everybody would have a good laugh at his expense. The hell with them, Duddy thought. He walked up to Eddy’s Cigar & Soda, across the street from the Triangle Taxi Stand, and there he found his father drinking coffee with some of the other men. Josette was there, too.

  “Duddy,” Max said gruffly. “I thought you’d be home in bed by this time.” Turning to the others with a wide smile, he added, “You all know my kid.”

  “That’s Drapeau asked.

  Max laughed expansively. “Ixnay. He’s not gonna be a sawbones. Duddy’s a dope like me. Aren’t you, kid?” He rumpled the boy’s snow-caked hair. “Lennie’s twenty-one. He’s had scholarships all through school.”

  A big man, burly and balding, with soft brown eyes and an adorable smile, Max Kravitz was inordinately proud of the fact that he had, several years ago, been dubbed Max the Hack in Mel West’s What’s What, Weinstein’s column in the Telegram, that, as a consequence, he (along with West’s most puerile Yiddishisms) had gone by that name ever since. Max was said to be on first-name terms with the Boy Wonder and, as Mel West would have put it, a host of others.

  Max, in fact, delighted in telling tales about the legendary Boy Wonder. His favorite, a story that Duddy had heard over and over again, was the one about the streetcar transfer. Max loved to tell this tale, one he believed to be beautiful, to newcomers; and earlier that evening he had repeated it to MacDonald. Not just like that, mind you, because before he could begin Max required the right atmosphere. His customary chair next to the Coke cooler, hot coffee with a supply of sugar cubes ready by his side, and a supporting body of old friends. Then, speaking slowly and evenly, he would begin, letting the story develop on its own, never allowing an interruption to nonplus him and not raising his voice until Baltimore.

  “He was broke,” Max began, “and he hadn’t even made his name yet. He was just another bum at the time.”

  “And what is he now? The gangster.”

  “I’m warning you, MacDonald, if the Boy Wonder knocked off his mother, Max here is the guy who would find an excuse for him.”

  “I mean you could say that,” Max continued. “We’re like this, you know, and I’d say it to his face even. The Boy Wonder was just another bum at the time. isn’t it? I mean his phone bill alone last year must have come to twenty G’s (he’s got lines open to all the tracks and ball parks all day long, you know), but only ten years ago he would have had to sweat blood before he co
ulda raised a lousy fin.”

  “No wonder.”

  “How that goniff to keep out of jail beats me.”

  “It’s simple,” Debrofsky said. “The whole police force is on his payroll.”

  Max waited. He sucked a sugar cube. “Anyway, he’s broke, like I said. So he walks up to the corner of Park and St. Joseph and hangs around the streetcar stop for a couple of hours, and do you know what?”

  “He trips over a hundred dollar bill and breaks his leg.”

  “He’s pulled in for milking pay phones. Or stealing milk bottles, maybe.”

  “All that time,” Max said, “he’s collecting streetcar transfers off the street and selling them, see. Nerve? Nerve. three cents apiece he’s up a quarter in two hours, and then what? He walks right in that door, MacDonald, right past where you’re standing, and into the back room. There, with only a quarter in his pocket, he sits in on the rummy game. Win? He’s worked his stake up to ten bucks in no time. And what does he do next?”

  “Buy a gun and shoot himself.”

  “I got it. He donates the ten to the Jewish National Fund.”

  Max smiled indulgently. He blew on his coffee. “Around the corner he goes to Moe’s barbershop and plunk goes the whole ten-spot on a filly named Miss Sparks running in the fifth at Belmont. On the nose, but. And you guessed it, MacDonald, Miss Sparks comes in and pays eleven to one. The Boy Wonder picks up his loot and goes to find himself a barbotte game. Now you or me, MacDonald, we’d take that hundred and ten fish and buy ourselves a hat, or a present for the wife maybe, and consider ourselves lucky. We mere mortals, we’d right away put some of it in the bank. Right? Right. not the Boy Wonder. No, sir.”

  Max dropped a sugar cube onto his tongue and took some time sucking the goodness out of it.

  “Picture him, MacDonald, a twenty-nine-year-old boy from St. Urbain Street and he’s not even made his name yet. All night he spends with those low-lifes, men who would slit their mother’s throat for a lousy nickel. Gangsters. Graduates of St. Vincent de Paul. Anti-Semites, the lot. If he loses, O.K., but if he wins — If he wins, Will they let that little St. Urbain Street punk Jerry Dingleman leave with all their money? He’s up and he’s down, and when he’s up a lot the looks he gets around the table are not so nice.” Max cleared his throat. “Another coffee, please, Eddy.”