Loveless

by Alice Oseman

  That mood lasted the thirty seconds it took us to get to the door, and then it was gone. Because standing just outside, surrounded by friends, was Pip Quintana herself.

  For a brief moment, she didn’t see us. She’d had a hair trim, her curly fringe just meeting her eyebrows, and she was dressed up for a night out – stripy shirt, tight jeans, and a brown aviator jacket that made her look like one of the guys from Top Gun. With the bottle of cider in one hand, it was a look.

  I could practically feel the wave of horror spill from Rooney as Pip turned round and saw us.

  ‘Oh,’ said Pip.

  ‘Hi,’ I said, having no idea what else to say.

  Pip stared at me. Then her eyes flitted to Rooney – from her messy ponytail down to her mismatched bed socks.

  ‘What, on a date, or something?’ said Pip.

  This immediately annoyed me. ‘Clearly we’re not on a date,’ I snapped. ‘I’m wearing joggers.’

  ‘Whatever. I don’t want to talk to you.’

  She started to turn back round but froze as Rooney spoke.

  ‘You can be mad at me, but don’t be mad at Georgia. She’s done nothing wrong.’

  This was absolutely untrue – Pip had heavily implied that she liked Rooney, and then I’d kissed Rooney anyway. Not to mention everything I’d done to Jason. But I appreciated the support.

  ‘Oh, fuck off with that taking-the-blame shit,’ Pip spat. ‘Since when are you suddenly trying to be a good person?’ She swung round so she could speak right to Rooney’s face. ‘You’re selfish, you’re nasty, and you don’t give a shit about other people’s feelings. So don’t come up to me and try to pretend to be a good person.’

  Pip’s friends had all started murmuring, wondering what was going on. Rooney stepped forward, teeth gritted and nostrils flaring like she was about to start shouting, but she didn’t.

  She just turned round and walked away down the street.

  I stayed still, wondering whether Pip was going to say anything to me. She looked at me for a long moment, and I felt like my brain rushed through the entirety of our past seven years of friendship, every single time we’d sat next to each other in lessons, every sleepover and PE lesson and cinema trip, every time she’d cracked a joke or sent me a stupid meme, every single time I’d almost cried in front of her – didn’t, couldn’t, but almost.

  ‘I just can’t believe,’ she said, through an exhale. ‘I thought – I thought you cared about my feelings.’

  Then she turned away too, rejoining a conversation with her new friends, and all of those memories smashed around me into tiny pieces.

  Rooney spent the whole walk back to college tapping away on her phone. I didn’t know who she was messaging, but when we got to our room, she quickly changed into a nicer outfit and I knew she was going out.

  ‘Don’t,’ I said, just as she reached the door, and she stopped, and turned round to face me.

  ‘You know what I’ve learnt?’ she said. ‘Love ruins everything.’

  I didn’t agree, but I didn’t know how to argue with a statement like that. So she left and I just said nothing. And when I walked towards my bed, I found the photo of Mermaid-hair Beth on the floor again, partially crumpled like Rooney had ripped it off the wall.

  I went to Pride Soc’s January social at the Student Union alone. It was our third week of term, and I tried to lure Rooney into coming with me, but she’d been spending most nights out in town clubbing, returning around 3 a.m. with dirty shoes and messed-up hair. It was up to me to find Pip and there was a chance she’d be at a Pride Soc event.

  If I could just talk to her, I figured, she would understand. If I could just get her to listen to me for long enough to explain, then everything would be OK again.

  The instant regret I felt upon showing up to the social was almost enough to send me running right back to college. We were in the biggest room in the Student Union. At the head of the room was a projector screen displaying all of Pride Soc’s upcoming events for the term. Music was playing, people were dressed casually, gathered in circles or sitting at tables to chat and catch up over some snacks.

  It was a social. In which the point was to socialise. I was at a gathering with the specific purpose of socialising. On my own.

  Why the absolute Jesus had I done this?

  No. OK. I was brave. And there were cupcakes.

  I went to get a cupcake. For emotional support.

  Sunil, Jess and hopefully Pip were there, so there were people I knew. I searched around and quickly found Sunil and Jess in the centre of a group of people having a loud conversation, but didn’t want to disturb them when they probably had lots of things to do and lots of people to talk to, so left them to it and continued on my search for Pip.

  I walked around the room three whole times before concluding that she was not there.

  Great.

  I got my phone out and checked her Instagram, only to discover that she was posting in her story about a movie night with her friends at Castle. She wasn’t even planning to attend this event.

  Great.

  ‘Georgia!’

  A voice made me jump – Sunil’s voice. I turned to find him striding towards me, wearing loose culottes made out of a jersey material that looked simultaneously very cool and very comfy.

  ‘Sorry, did I make you jump?’

  ‘N-no, no!’ I stammered. ‘It’s fine!’

  ‘I just wanted to see whether anything had happened with the Shakespeare Soc?’ he asked, with an expression so hopeful that it actually hurt my heart. ‘I know you lot had an argument, but … well, I was just hoping that, maybe … you’d sorted it out, or something.’ He smiled meekly. ‘I know it was just a bit of fun, but … I was really enjoying it.’

  The look on my face was probably answer enough, but I told him anyway.

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘It’s … it’s still all …’ I made a gesture with my hands. ‘It’s not happening.’

  ‘Oh.’ Sunil nodded as if he’d expected it, but his obvious disappointment made me want to cry a bit. ‘That’s really sad.’

  ‘I’m trying to make things right,’ I said instantly. ‘I’m actually here because I wanted to find Pip and see if she’d reconsider.’

  Sunil glanced around the room. ‘I don’t think I’ve seen her.’

  ‘No, I don’t think she’s here.’

  There was a pause. I didn’t know what to tell him. I didn’t know how to make any of this better.

  ‘Well … if there’s anything I can do,’ said Sunil, ‘I’d – I’d like to help. It really was nice to just have something fun to do that wasn’t stressful. Everything’s a bit stressful for me at the moment, what with third year and Pride Soc and Lloyd is determined to be a perpetual annoyance in my life.’ He glanced quickly towards where the ex-president, Lloyd, was sitting at a table with a group of people.

  ‘What’s he been doing?’

  ‘He’s just been trying to weasel himself back on to the society exec.’ Sunil rolled his eyes. ‘He thinks his opinions are vital to the society because my perspective is too inclusive. Can you believe that? Too inclusive? This is a society for queer and questioning students, for God’s sake. You don’t have to take a test to get in.’

  ‘He’s a dickhead,’ I said.

  ‘He is. Very much so.’

  ‘Is there anything I can do to help?’

  Sunil laughed. ‘Oh, I don’t know. Spill a drink on him? No, I’m joking. You’re sweet, though.’ He shook his head. ‘Anyway – Shakespeare Soc. Is there any way I can help resolve the situation?’ He looked almost desperate. ‘I … It really was the most fun I’ve had in quite a while.’

  ‘Well … unless there’s a way you can get Jason and Pip to talk to me and Rooney again, I don’t think there’s really any way it’s happening.’

  ‘I could talk to Jason,’ he said instantly. ‘We chat on Whatsapp occasionally. I could get him to come to a rehearsal.’

  I felt my heart race with hope.
‘Really? Are you sure?’

  ‘I really don’t want this play to fall apart.’ Sunil shook his head. ‘I really didn’t have any fun hobbies before. Orchestra is stressful and Pride Soc doesn’t count as a hobby, and they’re fun, but they’re work. This play … it was just joy, you know?’ He smiled, gazing down. ‘When we started rehearsing, I … honestly, I was a little concerned it was a waste of time. Time I should be using studying and doing things for my other societies. But making friends with you all, acting out fun scenes, having pizza nights and everyone’s silly messages in the group chat – it was just joy. Pure joy. And it took me so long to feel like I deserved that. But I do! And this is it!’ He let out a bright, carefree laugh. ‘And now I’m oversharing!’

  I wondered whether he was a little tipsy, before remembering that Sunil didn’t drink alcohol. He was just being earnest.

  It made me want to be earnest too.

  ‘You do deserve that,’ I said. ‘You … you helped me so much. I don’t know where I would be or how I would feel if I hadn’t met you. And … I feel like you’ve done that for a lot of people. And it’s been hard sometimes. And people haven’t always checked up on you.’ I felt embarrassed by what I was saying, but I wanted him to know. ‘And even if you’d done none of that … you’re my friend. And you’re one of the best people I know. So you do deserve that. You deserve joy.’ I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. ‘And I like it when you overshare!’

  He laughed again. ‘Why are we being all emotional?’

  ‘I don’t know. You started it.’

  We were interrupted by Jess and another of Sunil’s vice-presidents, who had come to summon him to the front of the room. Sunil had to make a speech.

  ‘I’ll message him,’ he said, as he walked away.

  That was when I knew that I could not rest until I got the Shakespeare Soc back together. Not just because I wanted Pip and Jason to be my friends again – but for Sunil too. Because, despite his hectic life and all the important things he had going on, he’d found joy in our stupid little play. And months ago, at that Autumn Pride Soc formal, Sunil had been there for me in a moment of crisis, even while he was stressed out and dealing with assholes. Now it was my turn to be there for him.

  I hung around for Sunil’s speech. On the sidelines, with a cupcake and a full glass of wine.

  Sunil got up on stage, tapped the microphone, and that was enough for the attendees to start applauding and whooping. He introduced himself, thanked everyone for coming, and then spent a few minutes going through all the upcoming events for the term. The film night this month would be Moonlight, the Pride Club Nights would be on Jan 27, Feb 16 and March 7, the Trans Book Club would take place at the Bill Bryson Library on Jan 19, the Big Queer Dungeons and Dragons group was looking for new members, and it was someone named Mickey’s turn to host the Queer, Trans and Intersex People of Colour Society dinner on Feb 20 at their flat in Gilesgate.

  And there were lots more. Hearing about all these things, and seeing all the people getting excited about them, made me feel excited in a weird way. Even though I wouldn’t go to most of them. I almost felt like I belonged to something just by being here.

  ‘I think that’s covered all of this term’s events,’ Sunil concluded, ‘so, just before I let you carry on eating and chatting, I just wanted to thank you all for what a great few months we had last term.’

  There was another round of applause and cheers. Sunil grinned and clapped too.

  ‘I’m glad you enjoyed it too! I was pretty nervous about being your president. I know I implemented some big changes, like turning the bar crawls into formals and introducing more daytime activities for the society, so I’m really thankful for your support.’

  He gazed out into the distance suddenly, like he was thinking about something. ‘When I was a fresher, I didn’t feel like I belonged at Durham. I’d arrived hoping to finally meet some people like me, but instead I found myself still surrounded by a lot of cis, straight white people. I’d spent a lot of my teenage life very alone. And by that point, I’d got used to it. I spent a long time thinking this was the way things had to be – I had to survive on my own, I had to do everything on my own, because nobody would ever help me. I spent much of that first year in a really dark place … until I met my best friend, Jess.’ Sunil pointed towards Jess, who quickly put a hand in front of her face in a half-hearted attempt to hide. There were a few more cheers.

  ‘Jess won me over instantly with her numerous items of clothing that have dogs on them.’ The crowd chuckled, and Jess shook her head, her smile just peeking out from behind her hand. ‘She was the funniest and bubbliest person I’d ever met. She encouraged me to join Pride Soc. She brought me to one of the original QTIPOC dinners. And we had so many discussions about how the society could be better. And then she encouraged me to try for president, with her at my side.’ He grinned. ‘I thought she should be president, but she’s told me a billion times how much she hates public speaking.’

  Sunil smiled down at Jess, and Jess smiled back at him, and there was such genuine love in that gaze.

  I felt dazzled by it.

  ‘Pride Soc isn’t just about doing queer stuff,’ Sunil continued, and that got him some laughs. ‘It’s not even about finding potential hook-ups.’ Someone in the crowd shouted their friend’s name, which earned more laughs. Sunil laughed with them.

  ‘No. It’s about the relationships we form here. Friendship, love and support while we’re all trying to survive and thrive in a world that often doesn’t feel like it was made for us. Whether you’re gay, lesbian, bi, pan, trans, intersex, non-binary, asexual, aromantic, queer, or however you identify – most of us here felt a sense of unbelonging while we were growing up.’ Sunil looked one more time at Jess, then back out at the crowd. ‘But we’re all here for each other. And it’s those relationships that make Pride Soc so important and so special. It’s those relationships that, despite all of the hardships in our lives, will continue to bring us joy every single day.’ He raised his glass. ‘And we all deserve joy.’

  It was kind of cheesy, maybe. But it was also one of the loveliest speeches I’d heard in my whole life.

  Everyone raised their drinks then cheered for Sunil as he stepped down and Jess buried him in a hug.

  That was it. That was what everything was about.

  The love in that hug. The knowing look between them.

  They had their own love story.

  That was what I wanted. That was what I’d had, once, maybe.

  I used to dream of a spellbinding, endless, forever romance. A beautiful story of meeting a person who could change your whole world.

  But now, I realised, friendship could be that too.

  On my way out of the room, I found myself nearing Lloyd’s table. He was sitting with a couple of other guys, drinking their way through a bottle of wine with sour expressions on their faces.

  ‘It’s so pathetic the way he feels like he needs to bring up asexuality literally every time he does one of these,’ Lloyd was saying. ‘Next thing you know, we’ll be getting any old cis-hets joining who think they’re mildly oppressed.’

  The way he said it sent a shot of cold hatred into the pit of my stomach.

  But I was feeling brave, I guess.

  As I walked past, I let my now half-full cup of wine gracefully tip in my hand and over the back of Lloyd’s neck.

  ‘WH-what the FUCK!?’

  By the time he’d swung himself round to see who had just poured wine over him, I was already halfway to the door with a massive smile on my face.

  Sunil Jha

  JASON IS IN.

  Georgia Warr

  SERIOUSLY

  Sunil Jha

  YEP. He agreed to come along as a personal favour to me.

  But he said he’s still not sure about rejoining

  Georgia Warr

  okay

  so

  i have an idea about how to win him back

  ‘No,’ sa
id Rooney, once I explained my idea to her. She was on her bed. I was watering Roderick, who was not half as voluminous as he once had been due to the dead bits I’d chopped, but wasn’t quite dead, as I’d previously thought.

  ‘It’ll work.’

  ‘It’s stupid.’

  ‘It’s not. He has a good sense of humour.’

  Rooney was sprawled in her going-out clothes eating breadsticks straight from the packet, something that had recently become her pre-night-out routine.

  ‘The Shakespeare Soc is finished,’ she said, and I knew she believed it. She wouldn’t be going out all the time if she hadn’t given up on it completely.

  ‘Just trust me. I can win him back.’

  Rooney gave me a long look. She crunched a breadstick loudly.

  ‘OK,’ she said. ‘But I get to be Daphne.’

  I skipped my lectures the next day to go on a costume hunt. It took most of the morning and a solid chunk of the afternoon. Durham had one costume shop down a tiny alleyway, and they didn’t have exactly what I was looking for, so I ended up trawling the clothes and charity shops for whatever I could find to create makeshift costumes. Rooney even joined me after lunch, sunglasses on to hide the bags under her eyes. She’d been sleeping in till midday most days lately.

  I sacrificed a lot of my allowance for this month to get everything, meaning I’d have to live off cafeteria food for the next couple of weeks, but it was a worthy sacrifice, because once Rooney and I arrived early at our rehearsal room and changed into our costumes, I knew that this was the best idea I had ever had in my life.

  ‘Oh, this is the cosplay of my dreams,’ said Sunil as I handed him a bright orange jumper, a red skirt and some orange socks.

  We finished changing, and then we waited.

  And I started to think this may have been a terrible idea.

  Maybe he wouldn’t find it funny. Maybe he’d take one look at me and then leave.