Dark On Me (Borrowed Faith Book 2)

by Ruby Rowe

  “He and the guys teased me about that night for months, which only pissed me off further. The experience changed me. I started drinking every day, worried that I could be ambushed again. I was gonna be prepared next time. I made out with girls and partied in every city, acting cooler than I felt.

  “I was determined to gain experience and be the smoothest motherfucker on the planet. It worked. I became that guy. By the time I was sixteen, I could fuck older women like a champ.” Stopping my pacing, I turn back to Barry and grin. “By eighteen, I could make a chick come with my tongue in about twenty seconds. Yes. I counted it once in my head.”

  “That was a visual I didn’t need, but a thought just came to me.”

  Feeling lighter from telling my secret, I return to my chair.

  “What’s that?”

  “All these weeks, I thought you used drugs and alcohol to only escape your painful memories, but now, I can’t help but wonder if you do it to feel in control. If you’re drunk and high and get those around you to be, you don’t have a reason to feel threatened or vulnerable.”

  “You’re getting a little deep, even for you.”

  “But am I hitting the nail on the head?”

  “It doesn’t matter. I told you what I’ve been carrying, so sign me out of this hellhole.”

  “Zain, you’re on the cusp of understanding yourself. Don’t retreat now.”

  Clearing my throat, I grip the armrests and gaze out the window.

  “Maybe you’re right. I like to have a say in what’s happening around me whenever possible. Acting the way my dad did makes me feel more in control.”

  “Maybe you needed your girlfriend to be drugged so you’d feel less vulnerable in her presence. Even more so as your feelings grew stronger. Am I right?”

  “Fuck you.”

  “I’m guessing it was the same with your friend Apple. You couldn’t fight the loneliness anymore and wanted someone to be with, so you gave her sleeping pills in order to feel safe while you had her in close quarters. It makes sense that you’d pick her since you said she was so pure and sweet.”

  Standing, I point my finger at him. “I said. Fuck. You. Barry. You’re making me sound like some calculating, sinister monster.” I recall the look on Olivia’s face the last night I saw her, and I want to squeeze my eyes shut, too, to forget this fucking pain.

  “I think you’re a good person, Zain. I don’t believe you ever intended to hurt anyone, and if I’m wrong about my theory, set me straight.”

  “I thought you were supposed to sit there and listen and let me figure shit out on my own.”

  “Yes, but you’ve needed a push, and I’ll give you another one. I believe you’re cautious of people you can’t control because you’re afraid they may hurt you by making you feel the uncomfortable, shameful way you felt as a child.

  “On the road, your father and his bandmates were living it up in front of you in ways that were grossly inappropriate. I believe few people would argue that.”

  Standing, Barry hands me a notebook he’d been holding beneath his. He may be tough with his bulging muscles, but he’s at least shorter than me at about five feet nine.

  At the moment, I need to feel like I have some edge on the guy since he knocked me down from Zain Richie, the iconic rock star, to a flawed human no better than the other sorry fucks in this place.

  But on the flip side, he’s the first older adult to ever truly listen to me. Pete wants to help, but he has too many distractions, and his job is to manage the tour, not be my therapist.

  “You made great progress today. I want to give you a homework assignment. If you complete it and go over it with me tomorrow, I’ll release you.”

  “What homework is that?”

  “Write a list of the relevant people in your life. Who are you most threatened by, and why? Are your concerns warranted? Is it possible your feelings about certain people are distorted because of your childhood pain? Who would you like to be closer to, and why?”

  “Is that all?” I ask sarcastically.

  “It’s all written inside. This is important, Zain. I believe this exercise will show you that you don’t need to fear most of the people in your circle. If your gut tells you someone on your list has bad intentions, you need to set boundaries or remove them from your life.

  “Humans can’t prevent all hurt and pain inflicted upon them, so at some point, we have to decide who to trust and take risks. Self-medicating yourself and others to control your life and theirs will only end tragically.”

  “You’re too smart and nerdy. It really takes away the street-cred vibe your muscles give off.”

  Barry frowns. “We’re not here to talk about me.”

  “Fine, you may be cooler than I care to admit. Hey, are you happy here?”

  “Fairly, why?”

  “I’d pay you bank to go on the road with me. I need someone to keep me in check.”

  “You do need a sponsor, but I don’t believe one traveling with you is necessary. Don’t get pissed when I say this, but I get the impression that you’re used to having people at your beck and call.

  “I think you’d use a traveling therapist as a crutch, and that wouldn’t be healthy for either of us. Attend meetings, definitely while you’re touring, and find a sponsor you can call when you feel the urge to drink or use drugs.”

  “All right, but let me know if you change your mind.”

  “I have faith in you, Richie. You may have had money all your life, and great music mentors, but emotionally, it sounds like you raised yourself. Don’t discredit or ignore your strengths.”

  “Dammit, Barry. You’re going to make me cry with all your insightful wisdom.”

  “Get out of my office, and do your damn homework.” He smiles, so I hold my fist up to bump his. I’d probably give the man a hug if it was allowed.

  Maybe I can do this, but is a maybe enough to chance hurting my girl again? When I walked through the doors here, I had no intentions of trying to win Liv back, but being without her has been more agonizing than the miserable detox I went through.

  Nothing humbles you more than being in the fetal position after days of profuse sweating, nausea, the shits, and tremors that damn near make your teeth chatter.

  I want Olivia, but I’m done being selfish. I either have to be the man she deserves or stay away from her for good.

  ***

  “How do you assholes get your intel?” Faith asks the paparazzi as she walks hurriedly ahead of me after exiting the rehab facility.

  “Zain, are you feeling better?” a man shouts.

  A female reporter shoves her microphone toward me.

  “Are you and Olivia Bradford getting back together now that you’re sober?”

  Protectively, Nash blocks the view of my face before we get in the SUV limo after Faith. Tripp, Apple and Aiden climb in behind us.

  “Good to see you, buddy,” Pete says from the front seat.

  “I’m glad to be here.” As we drive away, the chatter from the paparazzi fades. Faith wraps her hand around my bicep and smiles.

  “Damn, Richie. You’ve put on some muscle. Were you working out in there?”

  “Yep. It was a good distraction, so I think I’ll stick with it. That way, I can get out of Nash’s headlocks.”

  He wraps an arm around my neck from beside me, so we begin to wrestle. He lets me go before I can get away, and it’s probably because we’re in cramped quarters. Or, maybe he’s worried I’ll finally win. Damn, it feels good to be back with the gang.

  Leaning up over my seat, Apple kisses my cheek.

  “We missed you.”

  “Ditto, Cantaloupe.”

  “Um, you said not to bring Olivia. Is it because you want to go see her alone?”

  I shake my head. “No. I’m not talking to her.”

  “Not ever?” Apple asks with surprise and panic in her voice.

  “I didn’t say that. Right now, I just want some smokes, my guitar and to jam out in the stu
dio. Who’s with me?”

  “I’m good with everything but the smokes,” Faith says. “Let’s get you some nicotine patches instead.”

  I roll my eyes. “Why did I miss you while I was gone?”

  “You love my mouth … and my boobs.”

  “I did miss looking at your cleavage.”

  “Seriously?” Aiden asks from the back.

  “Chill, Sasquatch. I missed you, too, and we can finally arm wrestle.”

  “Fat chance of you winning.”

  “It feels good to be out of there.”

  “You seem happy and healthy,” Faith adds as she eyeballs me again.

  “I’m definitely in a better place. It’s a shame an addict can’t see it until they’re on the other side.”

  “You found your way there. That’s all that matters.” I catch sight of her tears before she turns her head to face the window.

  “I’ve been writing. I can’t wait for us to get into the studio. How are the fans?”

  “For the most part, they’re supportive,” Tripp chimes in from behind me, “but don’t worry about them. Your health is what matters, and we’ve got your back.”

  I didn’t expect this kind of welcome reception from the band. I have a feeling they’ll be up my ass like never before, but I need all the support I can get right now, especially when I won’t have Olivia.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  Olivia

  Hearing the doorbell, I stop my pedal on the sewing machine and get up to answer it. Seeing it’s only Blair through the peephole, I feel a pang of disappointment as I open the door.

  “Hi,” I say.

  “It’s all over the internet,” she replies, barging past me. “Zain was released from rehab this morning.”

  Covering my chest, I look around for my phone and spot it on the couch. I hurry to retrieve it.

  “I have one missed call from Apple, but that was only twenty minutes ago. I have nothing from Zain. Why wouldn’t someone tell me he was coming home today?”

  “I don’t know. Call Apple back.”

  Taking a deep breath, I hit the button to dial her.

  “Hello.”

  “Apple, it’s Olivia.”

  “Oh, hey.”

  “I heard Zain’s home. I thought I’d hear from him. Is he OK?”

  “He’s great, Olivia. You wouldn’t believe how amazing he looks and sounds.”

  “You didn’t say I won’t believe. You said I wouldn’t believe. That sounds like I may not get to see him at all. What’s happening?”

  “I’m sorry, but I don’t know. I asked if he was going to talk to you, and he wouldn’t give me a straight answer. I think he just needs time to reacclimate.”

  Gripping my shirt at my chest, I sit on the couch.

  “Our last conversation didn’t end the best, but I was sure he’d want to get back together. The old Z would’ve been pounding on my door as soon as he got home.”

  “But he’s not the old Z, and honestly, none of us know this side of him. I’m sure he’ll call or show up like you said. I think he’s trying to deal with one thing at a time so that he doesn’t get overwhelmed.”

  “I understand, but I guess I thought I’d be the first thing.”

  “Don’t take it personally. I’ll be in touch when I know more.”

  “Thanks for the update.”

  “You’re welcome. Oh, did you hear from Vanity Fair?”

  “Yes. Did you make that happen?”

  “No. They contacted me to see how I was liking your work. That’s when they told me they were interviewing you. To the fashion world, you came out of nowhere and like a bull. You’ve definitely stolen the attention from other designers.”

  “All because of you.”

  “No, all because of your talent. How are you even keeping up with the work?”

  “I’m not. I’ve had to put freaking celebrities on a waitlist, and I felt awful having to tell them so. I need employees, and I can’t believe I’m saying that.”

  “Wow, girl. We need to meet for lunch so you can tell me who’s on that waitlist.”

  “We do. Thank you for everything. I’ll talk to you soon.”

  I end the call, and the tears come. I haven’t cried in weeks, but that was because I was holding on to hope. Hope that I’d be in Zain’s arms again soon.

  I was disappointed when he didn’t get out of rehab at thirty days, but it felt nothing like this. All I feel now is hopelessness. Why wouldn’t he come for me?

  “Get out of your head,” Blair says. “He had to fly back from Los Angeles after he was released, so I doubt he’s even been home a few hours. Maybe he felt like he should see his family first.”

  “It seems presumptuous of me, but after his determination to see me the night he left, I was certain he’d come straight here.”

  “He could still ring that doorbell at any moment.”

  “You’re right. I shouldn’t jump to conclusions. I imagine he does want to see his family, and he probably has a lot of work to tend to.”

  “I think you need a break from work. We haven’t gone out since you met Zain, so let’s dress up and go have some cocktails. We can watch others make fools of themselves dancing until we’re drunk enough to do the same.”

  “I can’t leave in case he shows up.”

  “He has your phone number, and you said you weren’t letting a man dictate your life ever again. That includes your schedule.”

  “True... I’ll go out, but I don’t want to get drunk.”

  “We can make fun of people without drinking, so get your butt in the shower.”

  I smile at Blair who has lifted me up more times than a friend should have to.

  “I’ll get ready.”

  Apple

  “Hi,” I say to Zain after opening the front door. “Is everything OK?”

  “I don’t know.” He ruffles his hair. “I shouldn’t have come.”

  Grabbing his arm, I pull him inside. “You’re already here, so we’re talking.”

  “It’s after midnight.”

  I yawn, which I was trying hard not to do in front of him.

  “I know, but we all said we’d be here for you at any hour. Come on. I’ll make us some coffee.”

  Zain follows me to Tripp’s kitchen … my kitchen, and I go through the motions of getting the coffee pot started.

  “It’s still crazy to me that Tripp has a woman living with him. I can’t believe you two are getting hitched.”

  I smirk at him before I pour the coffee granules in the basket.

  “I’m special.”

  “I already knew that. He was wise to finally see it.”

  “What’s up tonight?” I ask.

  “I was on Twitter and saw some of the negative comments from fans. I was trying not to let it eat at me, but then these photos started appearing everywhere.” He looks down. “I didn’t use, but I wanted to.”

  “I’m glad you called me. What photos? Tripp and I crashed early.”

  “They were of Olivia, her friend Blair and some guys they were with at a club. She was smiling in a few of the photos.”

  Leaning back against the kitchen counter, I grip it behind me.

  “I spoke with her today. When I said you were vague about whether you planned to talk to her again, she didn’t handle it well.”

  “Why did you tell her that?”

  “It was the truth, and she asked. What was I supposed to say?”

  “I don’t know, but not that.”

  “You can’t ghost her and expect her not to be upset.”

  “She hardly looked upset in the pictures I saw.”

  “I bet Blair talked her into going out to cheer her up. She wants you, Z. She’s not on the hunt for a new guy.”

  “What if she happens to find one while she’s waiting on me?”

  “It depends how long she has to wait. I’m sure at some point it could happen, but right now, she’s wants to be with you. Why are you torturing yourself? I can t
ell you miss her.”

  After pouring two cups of coffee, Zain and I stroll to the balcony and sit in lounge chairs. I figure this way we won’t wake up Tripp. The sounds of the ocean waves can be heard in the darkness and it’s soothing.

  We sit quietly, and I have a feeling Z won’t open up unless I encourage him. Gripping his knee, I say, “Tell me. What are you waiting for?”

  “My therapist said I should be single for a while since my relationship with Liv was new and complicated.”

  “Maybe it was only complicated because of your addiction. I mean, she may be the added support you need right now.”

  “I have to know I can stay clean first. What if we get back together and in no time, I fall off the wagon? I can’t hurt her again.”

  “I don’t believe you’re going to relapse, but if you did, as long as you were honest and sought help, Olivia would understand and remain by your side.”

  “I don’t want to risk putting her through that.”

  “Do you honestly think you’re going to have a relationship without issues?”

  “I was hoping.”

  “Let me tell you something that you already know but seem to have forgotten. Tripp is moody, insecure and a touch controlling. He has serious issues because of his unspeakable childhood and from losing Nathan.

  “He’s always going to be a challenging guy to love, but we’re working through it while he heals more every day. Being with him is so worth it because he’s also smart, talented, loving and generous. Oh, and hot as hell.”

  I laugh. “He’d say I’m spoiled, messy and emotional. No one is perfect, but you take the good with the bad. The sickness with the health. Olivia knows the risks involved with being with you again, and she loves you enough to be all in.”

  “She said she needed time to figure out who she was. I doubt that’s happened already.”

  “She stood up to her parents again as soon as she got home. She’s been helping her brother financially and working around the clock, making a legit name for herself.” I lean toward him. “If you don’t watch it, she’s going to be more famous than you.”

  “She’s doing that well?”