Sad violet eyes met me. “We burn our dead and cast the ashes to the wind so that our loved ones can join the stars. That means there are no graves to visit.” He motioned at the entrance. “This is where we come to talk to the spirits of our deceased.”
Cold hands squeezed my heart. They had burned Elaran’s body? Was that even what he would have wanted? A flood of tears pressed against my eyelids. Loyal, strong, and brave Elaran had been laid to rest surrounded by strangers in a funeral rite I wasn’t even sure his culture shared. Unsuccessfully, I tried to ward off the guilt stabbing into my chest.
“I thought perhaps it would help you in your loss,” he finished.
Not being able to get my voice working again, I simply stared through the opening until Niadhir took the lead and walked us across the threshold.
Green plants mingled with ponds, brooks, and tiny waterfalls which gave the fragrant air a touch of humidity. My guide steered me towards a white bench in a corner. The sofa was flanked by jasmine bushes and a smooth pond stretched out before it.
“The spirits of our loves ones can hear us here so if you want, you could talk to Elaran,” he said and motioned at the bench. “You can sit here. I will wait outside until you are finished.”
When his arm left mine, I almost collapsed on the floor. Stumbling forward, I slumped down on the white sofa and gazed around the domed room. The pond in front of me was like a mirror. Every leaf and flower around its rim was reflected in the water. A thin curtain of mist drifted over the area and enveloped me. It really was beautiful. If there was anywhere the dead might hear me, it was here.
“But you’re probably not even here,” I whispered to the empty room. “If I know anything about you, your spirit is back in Tkeideru. Stalking through the forest.” A choked sob bubbled from my chest. “Looking after your people.”
Only the soft rippling of water answered me.
“And they’re waiting for you.” I tried to swallow past the lump in my throat. “Keya. Faye and the twins. Faelar.” A flood of tears spilled over my cheeks. “But you won’t ever come back.” I pressed my hands to my face. “Oh, Elaran. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
Convulsions racked my body as I sat there in the mist by the pond, repeating useless words that would never be enough to express the soul-crushing regret and guilt I truly felt. I drew a shuddering breath and straightened.
Niadhir was right. If I just quit and lay down to die, Elaran would be mad at me. He’d give me some great speech about honor or something and tell me to stop being useless and pull myself together. I managed a shaky smile. Yeah, that was exactly what he would do.
So I gathered all my bright memories of Elaran and filled my torn heart with them. Then, I picked up the life-sucking monster that was my grief and shoved it in there too before slamming up walls so thick no one would ever get through them again. I would carry my friend with me. Always. And once a day I would come here and let him out. The rest of the time, he would remain behind those walls because otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to function. If I left that bottomless chasm of grief open, I would never stop crying.
After sucking in a deep breath, I stood up and made my way back out. Niadhir was waiting for me in the corridor when I emerged from the room full of souls. His concerned eyes searched my face.
“Are you alright?” he asked.
I didn’t think I would ever be alright again, but I nodded anyway.
He studied me for a few seconds before speaking again. “Would you like to go and see Shade?”
Pain stabbed into my heart and I didn’t trust my voice so I only nodded again.
“Very well.” Niadhir held out his arm. “Come with me.”
My breathing grew increasingly labored as we made our way towards the other wing and up the stairs. Only my pride prevented me from asking him to stop so that I could catch my breath. When we at last arrived at the plain white door, my heart was racing. Though, it wasn’t only because of the walking.
My guide pushed down the handle and opened the door for me. “I shall wait out here.”
Giving him a slow nod, I took a few halting steps across the threshold. Shade was still lying in that bed, breathing but unmoving. All those awful feelings that I had locked away threatened to break through the barricades so I slammed up another set of stone walls around my heart.
Soft thuds sounded as I stumbled over to his bedside and sank down on my knees next to him. “You have to wake up. You have so much left to live for. So much to do. All the plans and schemes swirling in that head of yours.”
Shade’s chest only continued rising and falling in a slow rhythmic motion.
“Do you hear me?” I yelled and shook him violently. “You godsdamn arrogant manipulative bastard! You’re not done yet. Do you hear me? Pernula needs you. Your guild needs you. Your little brother needs you! I...” I trailed off.
Slumping forward, I placed my forehead against the mattress. I didn’t beg. Sure, I had pleaded for someone else’s life before but ever since I was a little kid, I had never done it for myself. Never. Except today.
“Please,” I whispered. “Everyone is leaving me. Don’t you dare do it too. You have to come back. Please, I’m begging you.”
He would’ve loved that. Getting me to kneel and beg him for something. A strained chuckle bubbled from my chest. Damn assassin. But I would’ve gladly sacrificed my pride to see that stupid face of his smirk at me again.
When he didn’t wake up and give me a smug grin, I pushed to my feet. Swaying a little from standing up too fast, I looked down at his unresponsive body. My locked-up feelings were about to smash through the second layer of walls so I averted my gaze and stumbled back towards the door before they broke through completely.
If I was going to survive this, I had to keep my emotions stored away. At least my heart was already cold and black. Not to mention dead. I closed the door to my friend in the room behind me. Where did I go from here?
28.
A deafening scream echoed around me. I sat bolt upright. My drenched clothes clung to me like a second skin. Untangling from the sheets, I stumbled to the window and threw it open. Cool night air rushed in. I closed my eyes and let the gentle winds calm my racing heart.
It had been more than a week since I was yanked out of my living death state. Every night since, I had been plagued by nightmares. Elaran and Shade were often in them, dying, bleeding, being crushed by buildings. And there was a lot of screaming. Only, I never knew if I just did it in my dreams or if I actually screamed out loud in my sleep.
Placing my hands on the chilled material, I climbed up on the windowsill. After drawing my knees up to my chest, I leaned back against window frame and gazed into the night. Stars glittered in the dark water behind the cliffs.
Niadhir had told me that having a routine every day would help, so most days looked the same now. The first thing I did was ask about Shade, even though there still wasn’t any change, and then after breakfast I went to the Spirit Garden to talk to Elaran. Though, mostly I didn’t actually talk. I just sat there and thought about him while trying not to drown in sorrow. But I didn’t cry. I couldn’t. If I allowed myself to start crying again, I would never be able to stop.
The rest of the day would be spent in the library and then in the afternoon we would take a walk outside before heading to dinner. And then of course it was time to sleep and revisit my nightmares.
There had been a banquet last week but I had refused to attend. Too many people. Nothing to celebrate. But this week, I hadn’t been given a choice. Niadhir had simply declared that we were going to the ball tomorrow because it was time for me to rejoin society. I didn’t want to but I felt even less like fighting so I hadn’t protested.
A gust smelling of seaweed and saltwater made the curtains around me flutter. I hopped down from the windowsill. If I was going to survive getting dressed up tomorrow and dancing in a room filled with people, I would need a few more hours of sleep.
Climbing in
to bed, I buried my cheek in the soft pillow and squeezed my eyes shut to stave off the dripping pain that never left me. It was time for some more nightmares.
29.
Hauntingly beautiful notes from violins tried to break my heart. Little did they know that it was already dead. I stared at the scene around me with the detachment of someone looking in through a window even though I was actually in the middle of it all.
Twisting sculptures of crystal and silver sparkled in the moonlight spilling in from the clear dome. The decorations matched the elaborate garments and gleaming jewelry adorned with white gems that the dancers wore and created an ever-changing sea of glittering snow and ice.
“I am glad you decided to come,” Niadhir said.
I hadn’t exactly had a choice but instead of pointing that out, I simply nodded. The scholar gave me a smile and held out his hand.
“Would you care to dance?”
In the weeks we had spent here before our disastrous escape attempt, we had attended numerous balls so now I actually knew how to move in step with everyone else during those synchronized dances. During all that time, I had never grown to like it, though. All of these formal events were bound by so many rules, and having to follow rules made me feel like I couldn’t breathe.
“Storm?” he asked again.
Lifting my shoulders in a slight shrug, I took his offered hand. He led me into the crowd while a satisfied smile spread across his lips as we joined the dancefloor sparkling with glass and stars.
The dancers were forming two long lines, one with men and one with women, so Niadhir and I took up position in our respective places. Since I had already memorized the steps, I let my mind wander as the row of ladies moved forward.
Everyone looked so happy. They danced and celebrated like there was no tomorrow and then they did it all again the next week. Dining and laughing and spending time with their friends while not a care in the world marred their gorgeous features. Maybe I had judged these events too quickly.
As I twirled around in my white dress and rejoined Niadhir and two other star elves I let the corners of my mouth twitch upwards ever so slightly. My dance partner beamed at me from above our interlocked hands.
A dark shadow flashed past the edge of my vision. While being careful not to miss a step, I twisted my head to find the source but only rows of dancers met me. Just as I was about to give up, a familiar face stared at me from between two elves in silver suits. I drew in a sharp breath between my teeth. What the hell was he doing here?
Rogue’s blue eyes were locked on me from across the floor. I blinked repeatedly at him. When I stopped, his blond head had disappeared again. Shaking my head, I tried to catch up with the dance I had fallen out of sync with. Niadhir looked at me with concern in his eyes as I rejoined him.
“Are you alright?” he whispered as we touched hands before drawing back again.
“I’m fine,” I replied while we once again moved towards each other.
Gray eyes met mine over the scholar’s shoulder. I jerked back.
“Queen Charlotte?” I breathed.
Her light brown hair hung limply over a gray dress that didn’t appear to move at all as she glided into the sea of spectators. I squinted at where her form had disappeared before another turn in the dance took me in a different direction. The Fahr brothers glared at me. Next to a long table overlaid with silver trays and glasses filled with sparkling wine, they watched me with death in their eyes.
My step faltered and I stumbled out of the line. When I raised my gaze again, they were gone. Sucking in a desperate breath, I pushed my way past the glittering dancers and made a run for the doors to the terrace. The voluminous dress I was wearing got caught in star elves and furniture alike but I didn’t care. I continued my headlong dash until I finally made it outside.
That flowery scent of jasmine and roses was so cloying and sickly sweet that it made me gag. Longing for some crisp sea air, I set course for the far side of the terrace. Elves stared at me but I ignored them. The white railing was cold under my arms when finally made it. Leaning against it, I heaved deep breaths.
“It’s not real, it’s not real,” I repeated over and over again while I desperately clung to the frosted glass for support. “It’s just my mind playing tricks on me because it’s not used to being around this many people.”
“Storm!” Niadhir called as he wove through the potted bushes and strolling star elves. “By the Stars, what is the matter?”
Tearing my gaze from the dark cliffs beyond, I turned to face him. “I thought I saw...” I trailed off. How was I supposed to explain that I had seen dead people among the dancers? I waved a hand in front of my face. “Never mind.”
Creases appeared in his forehead as he furrowed his brows. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah.” I nodded at the music drifting in from the glass doors. “Let’s go back inside.”
After one last curious look, Niadhir held out his arm and escorted me inside.
The flower-scented air hadn’t helped clear my head much but at least the cooler temperature slowed my thumping heart and brought some logic back. Dead people don’t get up and travel across a sea and an entire continent to lurk in a ballroom. It had just been my brain’s way of telling me that the sudden onslaught of sensory impressions was difficult to process after weeks of solitude.
“Oh, Niadhir,” Lady Nelyssae said as she and her posse stopped right in front of us. She looked me up and down, distaste evident on her face. “And Storm. So you’re the reason Princess Illeasia and Captain Hadraeth aren’t here tonight. Instead of their wonderful company we get... you.” She flicked her eyes over my body again while her luscious lips curled in disgust. “Great.”
“Yeah, sorry,” I mumbled.
Niadhir raised his eyebrows in surprise while the glamorous lady and her friends simply elbowed past me and disappeared into the crowd. I didn’t know how they had expected me to react but I was all out of snarky comebacks.
“Would you like to resume dancing?” the scholar asked and motioned at the floor to our right.
The synchronized dance had broken up and instead, the couples swayed to the slow string tunes in pairs of two. I shrugged. My companion took that as a yes and led me towards the open space at the middle of the room. He placed one hand in mine and the other on my waist.
“I am so proud of you,” he said as we moved in rhythm with the violins and harps. “You have grown so much. When you arrived, you were aggressive and unyielding but now you have transformed into a proper lady with grace and composure.” His pale violet eyes roamed my body. “And beauty.”
How he found me beautiful was beyond my comprehension. Same with the transformation. I had always been athletic but not moving and barely eating had made my lean muscles all but disappear. Now, I was just skinny. And the lady with grace and composure he talked about was just as foreign. I didn’t feel beautiful and composed. I felt weak.
But the sincerity in his eyes when he had said it made me pause. Maybe it was my own values that were off? I had always had a clear view on what kind of person I should be but lately, I had started to doubt that image.
Niadhir smiled as he spun me in a circle before placing his hand on my waist again. All around us, flowing skirts in white and silver twirled in the air as the other dancers did the same. I let my gaze drift over their happy faces.
Last year when we’d been manipulating the election in Pernula, Liam had said some things that were starting to make more and more sense. Not everyone’s life was filled with violence and bloodshed. These people’s lives certainly weren’t. Liam’s half-unspoken theory that I was the reason behind the messy life of blood and screams had rang true then already – and even more so now. Maybe I was the one who needed to change?
“I have wanted to say this before but I have not yet found the right moment,” Niadhir said as he continued leading me through the dance. He looked deep into my eyes. “I see a future for us here. You and I getting married, buyin
g a house in the city, having children.”
My breath hitched and I stumbled a step. He tightened his hand on my waist to steady me while hopeful eyes searched my face.
“What do you think?” he asked.
What did I think? I didn’t know. Marrying, buying a house, and having kids had never even crossed my mind. That was the kind of things upperworlders did, not thieves from the Keutunian Underworld. Liam’s excited face on his first day at work selling hats drifted across my memory. But then again, just because I was an underworlder now didn’t mean I had to keep being one.
That persistent question echoed through my mind again. What do you want?
I watched the safe and contented star elves around me. Living like this, I wouldn’t be a danger to my friends. Instead, life would settle into a comfortable pattern that didn’t include stealing from lethal people, getting blackmailed by powerful nobles, or fighting and killing relentless attackers. My grip on my old self wavered. Liam had left the Underworld behind. Maybe it was time I did too.
“That sounds like something worth considering,” I answered at last.
My dance partner beamed at me. All these questions and life decisions had made my head spin so when there was a slight pause in the music, I excused myself and fled to the drinks table. Picking up a glass flute, I emptied its contents in a few quick gulps before reaching for another. Niadhir was closing in but I just needed a moment to myself so that I could think, so I turned my back on him.
Dark violet eyes bored into me. I jerked back from the shock of finding someone standing straight in front of me when I turned around.
“The weak do not survive here,” Maesia said in a voice of steel.
“I...” Footsteps sounded behind me so I cast a glance over my shoulder at the approaching scholar. When I returned my gaze to the silver-haired elf in the white dress, she was gone. “What the...?”
“Who were you talking to?” Niadhir said as he sidled up next to me and placed an arm around my back.
A Storm of Glass and Stars (The Oncoming Storm Book 4) Page 18
