“I... uhm... I don’t know.” I lifted my shoulders in a shrug. “No one, I guess.”
With a firm hand on my lower back, Niadhir steered me back to the dancefloor. I barely managed to drain my drink and place the empty glass on the table before I was out of reach. The delicate crystal thing wobbled as I pushed it onto the edge of the white tablecloth.
I didn’t want to dance but I followed him anyway. What I really wanted to do was be alone for a while and think about all the confusing things swirling around my brain. It felt as though something monumental was about to happen, something that would change my life forever, and I wanted to make sure that I made the right decision.
My mind churned as I trailed behind Niadhir. Maybe it was time to leave the Underworld and become a better person. I drew a deep breath. Maybe it was time to get rid of the darkness.
30.
White mist swirled around me. The smooth material was cold underneath my legs as I sat in front of the pond in the Sprit Garden and watched the reflections of the dark green leaves in the water. I wanted to talk. Wanted to tell Elaran about my thoughts but I couldn’t get my mouth to work. Knowing that he wouldn’t be able to answer threatened to bring a tidal wave of grief down over my head so I kept silent.
Water rippled from behind a wall of jasmine bushes. I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes. If he was here, what would he say? Would he advise me to get rid of the darkness and become an upstanding citizen? Honor was a big thing with him, so probably. Oh, how I wished he could answer. I opened my eyes.
A young girl with brown hair sat cross-legged on the other side of the pond. She watched me with big brown eyes. Cold hands strangled my heart. Rain?
The girl who had been my sister in all but blood before I had gotten her killed just continued looking at me curiously. I desperately wanted to go over to her but my body might as well have been made of stone. It refused to move. Rain cast a glance over her shoulder as another figure emerged from the mist.
Sharp blades ripped my heart to bloody shreds. Across the water, Elaran approached until he was standing right next to Rain. I forced a few shallow gasps in and out of my throat. The auburn-haired ranger held out his hand. Rain took it and climbed to her feet. They both looked at me for a long moment before they turned around and Elaran led Rain by the hand into the mist.
I toppled forward. Dampness from the pond and the mist seeped into my clothes as I curled up on the floor and drew my knees up to my chest. With one hand pressed against the hard floor, I forced my lungs to continue drawing air. My jagged breaths created a thin coat of fog on the smooth white floor.
Elaran and Rain had been here. Both of them had died because of my actions and now the only time I would ever be able to see them again was as spirits in a place of mourning. Talons gripped my heart and yanked it apart. It was all my fault.
A sob bubbled from my throat but I stifled it before it could turn into a flood. At least they were together now. I could see them in my mind’s eye. Elaran grumpily crossing his arms while looking after the energetic Rain who bounced around the place in search of mischief. Letting that image comfort me, I tried to ward off the grief that threatened to swallow me in its dark abyss.
After a few minutes, my breathing finally started working on its own again without me having to consciously force oxygen in and out of my lungs. I stayed on the floor a while longer before pushing myself up. The room swayed before me.
When I at last stumbled out of the room and into the corridor beyond, I found Niadhir staring at me. I placed a hand on the wall to steady myself and then cut him off before he could say anything.
“I want to see Shade,” I stated.
The scholar put a hand to my shoulder and gave it a short squeeze. “If that is what you wish, I will get in touch with the doctors and arrange for you to visit him today.”
“Yes.”
He nodded and then held out his arm. My previous feelings about being escorted aside, I was grateful for his arm now because without it I was pretty sure I would’ve collapsed. Confusion whirled around inside my mind as we moved away from the Sprit Garden. I had to talk to Shade.
AFTERNOON SUNLIGHT filtered in through the windows and fell across Shade’s pale face. I remained staring at him for another moment before I could convince my disobedient legs to move. Wood scraped against the floor as I dragged over a chair and dropped into it.
After my visit to the Spirit Garden, I had spent the rest of the day in a daze before Niadhir had at last escorted me to the wing opposite the library. I had waited the whole day for this but now that I was here, I suddenly didn’t know where to start. Casting a glance over my shoulder and out the open door, I made sure that the scholar had kept his word and waited a bit further down the hall. When I found the doorway empty, I turned back to Shade and sucked in a deep breath.
“I think I’m gonna get rid of the darkness,” I blurted out.
The assassin, of course, couldn’t answer but it was easier to pretend that he could because at least he was right there in front of me. As opposed to Elaran. Tears welled up in my eyes but I pushed them down and got back on topic.
“I haven’t done it yet because...” I let out a long exhale and raked my fingers through my hair. “Well, because I felt like it was the only thing I had left of who I was. Of the things that made me, me.” Placing a hand on his chest, I gave him a sad smile. “You said it was an asset but you’re wrong. It is a curse.”
His muscled chest rose and fell slowly under my hand. I could almost convince myself that he was only sleeping. Almost.
“I mean, look where it’s gotten me.” I threw out an arm in a desperate gesture. “Where it’s gotten you.” My throat closed up and I had to forcibly push out the next two words. “And Elaran.”
While I was keeping the tears at bay by sheer force of will, the birds outside the window had the gall to chirp. I shot up from the chair and stalked across the room.
“Why do you keep singing?” I bellowed out the window. “Don’t you know there’s nothing left to sing for?”
The startled blue birds dove for cover at my shouting and raced away from the building.
“Damn feather flappers,” I muttered.
For a moment, I just continued watching the windowless floor that housed the library in the opposite wing until my irritation had dissipated. With my eyes still on the library that Niadhir and I had spent so much time in, I opened my mouth again.
“Niadhir was right. He warned me that Storm Casters often end up killing people they care about by mistake.” I slammed a hand into the windowsill. “Why didn’t I listen?” Warm afternoon air filled my lungs as I drew a bracing breath. “But maybe it’s time now. Maybe it’s time that I got rid of this demonic curse.”
“Princess Illeasia!” Niadhir called from somewhere outside in the corridor. “What are you doing here?”
I whirled around. Not sure if I could bear the pain of a heartbroken princess attacking me, I darted across the room and dove behind the door before she had a chance to see me. Smattering footsteps sounded in the hallway.
“Princess, you need to come with me,” Captain Hadraeth said.
“No! Is she here?” the princess demanded. Niadhir must’ve shaken his head in response to her question because she pressed on. “I’m not stupid, I know she’s here somewhere. I heard her talking. I’m not going anywhere until you tell me where she is.”
Shuffling feet echoed from outside. Illeasia must’ve looked inside the room and found it empty while the Guard Captain had followed her. Behind the door, my heart pattered in my chest. She sounded furious.
“Don’t touch me!” she snapped. “My mother wouldn’t take kindly to you touching me without my permission.”
Hadraeth sounded weary as he replied, “Queen Nimlithil is the one who ordered me to do this, remember? Now, please, come with me.”
When she had at last stalked down the hall, I slipped out from behind the door. I didn’t usually hide from a fight but if
I was going to get rid of the darkness and become an upperworlder, I had to change my ways. And besides, I was pretty sure that beating up the princess of my new host country wouldn’t make me very popular.
“She has left,” Niadhir said from outside the door. “Are you finished?”
“Almost.”
With a heavy weight settling over my chest again, I returned to Shade’s unresponsive body. I stroked gentle fingers along his cheek. Though I wasn’t sure why I had done it, it felt right.
“Next time I come here, I promise you that I will have once and for all made a decision about all this.” I studied his handsome face. “And in return, you’ll promise that you’ve woken up next time I walk through that door. Deal?”
The Master Assassin didn’t reply but I took it as a sealed deal anyway. Burying the pain under layers of stone, I turned my back on him and walked out of that awful white room. Thankfully, Niadhir didn’t ask me what I’d talked to Shade about. I was trying to make a life-changing decision and I didn’t want to tell any of the star elves about it until I had made up my mind. I wanted it to be my decision.
But I had also meant what I’d said to Shade. I had to make a decision soon. As we made our way down the stairs, my mind drifted back to the heartbroken princess roaming the halls. Before I hurt someone else.
31.
Soft sounds came from outside my door. I sat bolt upright. With my heart thumping in my chest, I scrambled out of bed in a mess of tangled sheets. Moonlight spilled in from the windows, casting the room in a pale silver shimmer. In the light coming from under the door, shadows from two feet were visible. Someone was breaking into my room.
A tiny voice filled with hope pushed to the front of my mind. It’s Shade! He had kept his promise and woken up after my visit yesterday. It had to be him. Who else would be picking the lock on my door in the middle of the night? Relief and joy bounced around inside me like an excited three-year-old. Shade was back.
Metal clinked on the other side of the door just as I made it there. It was the sound keys made when clanking against each other. I paused. A voice of reason elbowed past the giddy hopefulness. What if it’s not him?
Of course it was him. Who else would it be? But the suspicious part of my mind refused to be shoved aside. Taking a quick step, I slunk in behind the wall. Better sure than dead. Or however the saying went.
The lock clicked. Blood rushed in my ears as I watched the handle being pushed down. In only a few seconds, I would find out if it really was that arrogant assassin that I so desperately wanted to see smirk at me again. A shard of light appeared on the white floor as the door was edged open.
The light spilling in from the corridor grew until it illuminated my bed on the other side of the room. My heart slammed against my ribs. Any second now.
“Empty?” a voice whispered. “This doesn’t make any sense. Where is she?”
Disappointment washed over me like a cold dark wave and snuffed out the tiny spark of hope that had dared to flicker in my heart. It wasn’t Shade. White fabric billowed as Princess Illeasia strode into the room.
“After everything it took to get here, she isn’t even here,” she hissed.
Melting into the shadows, I snuck along the wall so that she wouldn’t see me if she turned around. Sudden realization shot up my spine and pushed the crushing disappointment aside. The princess had broken into my room alone at night. She was more of a danger than I’d initially thought. If she’d found me sleeping soundly in that bed, she could’ve just stuck a knife in my heart and then slipped out again without anyone being the wiser.
Illeasia turned my room upside down in a mad search for me while I shadowed her like a wraith. My heartbeat pulsed in my ears. She threw open the closet and ripped the dresses aside. I hadn’t seen her a lot since I’d been yanked out of my living death state but the few times I’d seen her, she had been very different. Before Elaran’s death, she had seemed so full of life and joy but now, she just looked so angry all the time.
Heavy footsteps rushed through the corridor. Shit. If she had an accomplice coming, I couldn’t remain out in the open like this. Whipping around, I dropped to the floor and rolled in under my bed just as the second person stomped across the threshold.
“Princess Illeasia!” Captain Hadraeth exclaimed. “What in the world are you doing?”
From under the mass of tangled sheets hanging down from the bed, I watched him advance on the princess. She stomped a foot on the floor.
“How did you find me this quickly?”
Ignoring her question, the captain ushered her towards the door. “Where’s Storm?”
“I don’t know. But as you can see, she’s not here.”
“I will have some guards look for her but now, we are going back to your room.”
Illeasia scoffed. “Always following my mother’s orders.” Her voice grew fainter as she and Hadraeth disappeared into the hallway. “There will come a time when you have to pick a side. Hers or mine.”
Footfalls leading away from my room mingled with more rushed ones approaching.
“Find the girl,” Captain Hadraeth ordered what I assumed to be the other guards.
Figuring it was best not to cause an incident by remaining hidden, I rolled out and climbed to my feet just as two guards in shining white armor barreled into the room. They jerked back in surprise and blinked at me.
I flicked an impatient hand at the rumpled covers next to me. “She didn’t check under the bed.”
After giving each other a sideways glance, the two guards nodded and backed out. Keys clanked and then the lock clicked shut again. I slumped down on the bed and massaged my forehead.
That had been close. If I hadn’t been such a light sleeper, I would most likely be dead by now. Drumming my fingers on my thigh, I tried to shake the strange feeling that had taken over me. It was all so backwards. I didn’t hide under my bed while someone broke into my room. I was the one breaking into the room. But not anymore, apparently.
Was this what my life would be like as an upperworlder? Uncertainty flashed through me while that incessant question banged against my skull again. What do you want?
Since I still didn’t have a clear-cut answer to that question, I just toppled to the side and curled up in my bed again. Pulling the covers over my head, I sent a prayer to Nemanan. Tomorrow would be better.
32.
“Princess Illeasia tried to kill me last night,” I stated flatly.
Niadhir looked up from his books and blinked at me. “I beg your pardon?”
“Yeah, she broke into my room while I was sleeping but I heard her coming so I hid before she could do anything.”
A couple of star elves shuffled past our table with stacks of books so tall I was convinced they would topple any second. They disappeared behind the white bookshelf with their precarious piles still intact.
“That is very troubling,” the scholar next to me said. “You must be terribly shaken.”
Considering all the creative ways in which people had tried to kill me before, last night’s event wasn’t much to be frightened about so I just shrugged in reply. Creases appeared in his forehead as he looked at me, worry written on his face.
“Are you sure you are alright?” he asked. “You do know that Princess Illeasia will keep coming after you? She is in a lot of pain.”
I picked at a thread in the half-finished embroidery in front of me. “I know. I know she’s in a lot of pain.” Shoving the fabric away, I let out a frustrated sigh. “She was a bright happy person who spread light everywhere and now I’ve hurt her so bad she’s trying to kill me.” The wooden frame and the embroidered flower came to a halt in the middle of the table just as I dropped my head into my hands. “I took a kind loving person and I broke her. Made her bring darkness into her soul. What kind of person am I?”
Elegant fingers pried my hands from my face. “Yes, you have done a lot of bad things in the past but you are still worth saving. You can still become a better per
son but you are the one who has to choose it.” Niadhir squeezed my arm. “I could not help overhearing what you said when you visited Shade.”
“You eavesdropped on me?”
The scholar gave me a patient smile. “No, not eavesdropping per se. We elves have very good hearing and you were speaking rather loudly. I even think you screamed at times.”
“Oh.” I cleared my throat. “Right.”
“I heard you saying that it might be time to rid yourself of your demonic curse. That is a great first step towards the light. Have you made a final decision?”
Picking up a needle, I started flicking it between my fingers. “I don’t know.”
“Did you talk to Elaran about it when you visited the Spirit Garden this morning?”
I shook my head.
“Perhaps you should. The spirits of our loved ones can offer more guidance than we think.”
Talking to Elaran when I knew he wasn’t really there made that gaping black hole in my chest widen so I was reluctant to do it. But maybe I had to in order to make a decision. I dropped the needles back on the pile and got to my feet.
“I need to think.” The chair scraped as I pushed it back in while waving a hand towards the back of the room. “Those book towers at the back, I’ll be there sorting books. I need to be alone but still do something to keep my hands busy.”
Niadhir frowned at me for a second but then nodded. “If that is what you need.”
“It is.”
“Very well. I will be here when you are done.”
Without bothering to reply, I strode along the aisle of packed white bookcases and towards the other side of the room. I couldn’t think with his concerned eyes watching me, and sorting books gave me an excuse to be alone for a while.
Muted conversations drifted to my ears as I passed a table of scholars engaged in a discussion about something or other. I drew my fingers along the spines as I passed another bookshelf. At last, the gigantic towers of stacked books appeared. The spare door that had misled me when I first got here was still tucked in behind the furthest piles. Hiking my skirt up, I waded into the sea of literature.
A Storm of Glass and Stars (The Oncoming Storm Book 4) Page 19
