I Don't Want to Be an Empath Anymore

by Ora North

  “Ora North brings a raw and powerful look at the reality of being an empath. It’s not always glitter and unicorns; we must take a long, hard look at the wounds and shadows we hold; we must get real to heal. Ora skillfully guides us through this process so we can take off the spiritual mask and claim our true power as empaths.”

  —Lisa Campion, Reiki master teacher, and author of The Art of Psychic Reiki

  “What a relief this book is! At turns fresh, familiar, frank, and funny, author Ora North manages to distill recovery models, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and shamanism into a coherent and accessible program for empathy management, self-healing, and relationship building. Don’t take the title seriously, though. After working the exercises in I Don’t Want to Be an Empath Anymore, you will not only be more comfortable being so deep in the world of emotion, you will have become adept at it and found yourself embracing what an asset your sensitivities are to yourself and others. Highly recommended.”

  —Kathryn L. Robyn, healer, artist, author of Spiritual Housecleaning, and coauthor of The Emotional House

  “Ora North is the wise, witchy aunt I never had, who has arrived on the scene just when this heartbroken world needs her most. How I wish I could’ve read this bracing tonic of a book when I was sixteen, and so overwhelmed by confusing, painful emotions that all I could do was bury them. Ora reassures us in her straight-talking way that it’s never too late to witness and integrate our dark, scary feelings—and regain our equilibrium. Goddess bless her for doing this groundbreaking work, and for writing this compelling, enlightening book to empower sensitive souls like me!”

  —Simone Butler, astrological consultant at www.astroalchemy.com, and author of Moon Power and Astro Feng Shui

  “Ora North has penned an instant classic. I Don’t Want to Be an Empath Anymore is the kind of book you immediately feel understood by; the kind of book that feels so perfect and obvious, you’re a little surprised it didn’t exist before it did. I devoured it and then gave it to my favorite people, because I wanted them to feel understood too.”

  —Arden Leigh, creator of The Re-Patterning Project, and frontwoman of Arden and the Wolves

  “Ora tells the truth about what it means to be a deep-feeling person in this world. She blazes a way through the precarious world of self-inquiry, and she offers real-world tools that are restorative to the raw nerves of an empath. This book is a healing.”

  —Erin Schroeder, The Psychic Witch, psychic teacher

  “As a ‘cry of the millennial witch,’ this guidebook has much to offer those who need to effectively harness the powers of empathetic sensitivities rather than be consumed by them. The author speaks volumes to the various aspects of being an empath in our culture, such as the dangers of the ‘positive vibe only’ complacency, past trauma, and the neglect of certain emotions. She offers innovative exercises such as listing your victims and villains of your shadow self, a formula to write your own pain alchemy affirmation, throwing yourself a pity party, and creating voluntary energetic blindness. Bravo, Ms. North!!”

  —Nancy Antenucci, owner of Between Worlds LLC, author of the beloved Psychic Tarot, and teacher and presenter throughout the US and internationally as faculty for the Arcana Company in Chengdu, China

  Publisher’s Note

  This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

  Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

  Copyright © 2019 by Ora North

  Reveal Press

  An imprint of New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

  5674 Shattuck Avenue

  Oakland, CA 94609

  www.newharbinger.com

  Cover design by Sara Christian

  Acquired by Jennye Garibaldi

  Edited by Jean Blomquist

  Text design by Michele Waters-Kermes and Tracy Carlson

  All Rights Reserved

  In consideration of evolving American English usage standards, and reflecting a commitment to equity for all genders, “they/them” may be used in this book to denote singular persons.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file

  For Katie, who felt too much.

  Contents

  Contents

  Foreword

  Introduction

  Chapter 1: What the Hell Is an Empath?

  Chapter 2: No Light Without Darkness

  Chapter 3: Uncovering Core Wounds

  Chapter 4: Mastering Emotional Energy

  Chapter 5: Whose Feelings ARE These?

  Chapter 6: Working with Boundaries

  Chapter 7: Energetic Patterns in Relationships

  Chapter 8: Working Through Trauma

  Epilogue

  Resources

  Acknowledgments

  Foreword

  There is a rebel storyteller in all of us, I think, a submerged seer-poet who sits atop our ribs, skipping stones in our blood and waiting to be called up, hoping for the chance to climb our bones, stand on our tongue as if it were an orator’s mound, and spill out wild truths that give pause to all who listen. The tales told by this deviant visionary are not those of skills mastered and quests fulfilled; they are those paradigm-shifting sorts of stories, riddled with shadow, uncertainty, and longing. That moment when we grant this outlaw the opportunity to speak is a wondrous initiation, one of those pivotal plot twists in our epic stories of becoming when we suddenly claim not only our socially valuable successes but also our as yet unmet desires to heal the many wounds of our foremothers.

  A true elder-teacher, this storyteller is a sage healer who somehow—against all odds within this hard-edged society of ours where all things must be named and boxed—shares her experiences of unlearning and unease, stepping with grace into that rare role of a wise mentor who weaves hard-won knowledge with admitted, beauteous, and blessed uncertainty. Our aching world does not need another spiritual teacher who has solved every mystery, who floats far above the ground and is never in danger of falling. It is not the overbleached and all-knowing healer-prophet we seek; it is the wounded mystic who walks heavy on this ancient land, who has become the wild heart she needed when she was younger, and who tells stories not to offer soft-breasted comfort, not to rehash the old and outmoded, but, rather, to radically oppose the existing thought structures, change-resistant cultures, and socioeconomic systems that threaten to bind us all to joylessness.

  True healing is never about a quick fix, and that mischievous maker of myths knows this well, as does Ora North. Healing happens only through awareness and integration, only by coming to terms with the gifts we have been given and the wounds that still pulse with the same ache our grandmothers’ grandmothers nursed long ago on ancestral soil. What Ora offers in this book are not overly simplified tools or a diluted plan for winning at the Game of Empath. This book is an interactive wilderness guide of sorts, an eloquently written and sorely needed ownership manual for the empathic human soul.

  As a Witch who believes our magick must be first and foremost a planet-savior during this desperate time of human history, I honor and bow to the work being done by empath-storytellers like Ora, who call out the “distortions of new age thinking” and frame empathy as not only a gift but one of the most valuable resources our ailing society can cultivate during the Anthropocene. She
writes without making any one-size-fits-all claims about the potent medicine she offers, whilst being concurrently generous with tools, stories, and ample opportunities provided for the readers to draw their own conclusions about what it means to be an empath in a hard-hearted, trauma-riddled world.

  When I first read Ora’s writing years ago, I was struck by her ability to express with transparency the “cry of the millennial Witch,” the exhaustion burdening the younger generation of magick-makers who are finding themselves hungry for an embodied kinship with the ancient and yet quite paradoxically without access to many compassionate elders who share their wisdom—not as immutable truths but as a lens, as an invitation. In this age when our prophets are few and our fears are many, it is often those healer-teachers who, regardless of linear age, harbor a hag’s heart beneath their ribs, and Ora North is the crone-empath we all needed when we were babes. May you read her words as an invitation to come home to yourself, and may we all wake tomorrow more whole versions of the fractured souls we put to bed.

  All blessings be.

  —Danielle Dulsky

  Author of The Holy Wild: A Heathen Bible for the Untamed Woman and Woman Most Wild: Three Keys to Liberating the Witch Within

  Introduction

  You must be exhausted. Aren’t you?

  You’ve always been sensitive. Maybe a little too sensitive.

  You knew from a very early age that you felt a lot more than most people. You felt everything. Every life experience felt like an epic adventure, full of victorious highs and dangerous lows. How could they not see what you saw? How could they not understand the swinging pendulum of emotion that rose and fell within you each moment? There was a purity in the way you experienced the world, an amplified openness and curiosity that made you hyperaware of the joy and complexity and heartbreak of life. What gave others happiness, gave you pure ecstasy. What gave them disappointment, gave you heart-shattering pain. You have felt yourself moved from tears of pure joy to tears of desperate sadness all in the course of an afternoon. Sometimes you knew why you were feeling those things so intensely. Sometimes you didn’t.

  It didn’t stop at you, though. No, this amplified way of being extended to others as well. Your sensitivity made it so you could feel and connect within your relationships just as intensely. Somehow a part of you just knew what other people were feeling, even when they didn’t (or wouldn’t) tell you. It was like wearing a second skin, made entirely of the thoughts and emotions of other people. This second skin was invisible, though; others never seemed to realize what you carried around day after day, year after year. So, you learned how to wear this second skin. You learned how to adapt to all the extra feelings.

  Your ability to tune in to what your loved ones need, even without them telling you, has made you a beautifully nurturing human being. You can truly see the people you love, and you want more than anything to be there for them and to love them in the ways they need to be loved.

  Seeing people like this also has its cost, though. The more you involve yourself with them, the more you willingly wear the second skin of everyone else’s emotions, the more you get the energies—your own energy and the energy of others—confused. After a while, it’s hard for you to tell which emotions belong to you and which emotions belong to them. The more those lines are blurred, the more you lose your confidence and the sense of your mission here on Earth. It could be that when your relationships go bad, they really go bad. The highs and lows that you experience with everything make your relationship problems feel like life or death. Resentments grow like weeds. You find yourself in this blurry place not only with your romantic relationships but also with your family. The emotional entanglements of ancestry weave through you, making it feel that it’s impossible to untangle yourself and be free. Your suffering feels both slow and building, and immediate and explosive. You see only your loved ones’ emotions. Where did yours go, anyway? You’re not really sure. But being able to see everyone else for their emotions leaves you feeling oddly lonely in your own feelings.

  Everyone comes to you for advice and help, but where is your advice? Where is your help?

  Even though your sensitivity lends to your emotional intelligence, working can be a challenge. The emotional labor you put in at your job, for issues that are not yours, drains your energy and your spirit. Maybe it feels like there’s nothing you can do to be noticed for your work and get ahead, and you begin making yourself smaller to accommodate your coworkers and supervisors. You might even make excuses for their bad behaviors because you can feel the pain they operate from. Perhaps you think, Well, I’ll just let this one time slide, until you realize that years have passed and that one time has multiplied into countless times. You’ve watched everyone else move forward, propelled by your compassion and empathy for them, and yet you’re still standing still.

  When you come home at night, after your draining work experience, maybe you find yourself immediately immersed in the care of your significant other or your kids. You sigh without complaining most of the time, slipping into the caretaker role that they never seem to see or appreciate. You might have an emotionally detached conversation with your partner, because at this point, you don’t even know how to express the overwhelming nature of your feelings. Feeling unseen, you might turn on the TV to decompress. All you want to do is relax, but every show you see is filled with violence or cruelty, and you find yourself shaking. You simply can’t handle more sadness, more pain. You may find yourself going to bed utterly exhausted—and no wonder you’re exhausted.

  This is the life of the overwhelmed empath. It’s one of frustration, of loneliness, of sensitivity gone sideways. Eventually, this life ruins your relationships and your career, and leaves you completely drained of vitality. It makes you wish you weren’t an empath anymore.

  Living this way isn’t sustainable, but sometimes it’s the only lifestyle you can imagine. Sometimes you don’t realize there’s another option.

  From Exhausted to Empowered

  I do see another option for the overwhelmed empath. I see you as a strong, empowered human being using your sensitivity as your superpower.

  Instead of relationships that get messy and confusing and painful, I see you standing strong in your boundaries, able to clearly define what energy is yours and what energy is theirs. Instead of being ignored or taken advantage of, I see you excelling at your work, speaking your truth, and being unashamed for it. I see you taking time to rest, filling up your energy reserves with intention. I see you processing through your painful emotions, becoming a container for amazing healing and change in this world. I see you getting what you truly deserve, simply because you’re strong enough to say it, to take it, to be it.

  Your relationships are easier, because you know exactly what you need and how to get it. Your energy comes back in full force, because you know how to protect it. You don’t even worry about the energy vampires of the world, because you know yourself too well to let even the thought of them bother you. You have found another path for yourself: a path of ease, grace, and clarity.

  I know it might sound impossible, and I know change is scary, even when you desperately crave it. Self-growth isn’t easy, and when it involves the darker emotions of being an empath, it’s even harder. But as I enter these words into these pages, I put this promise within them: if you stay with me throughout these chapters and face the things that come up, you will find a strength in yourself you’ve never known.

  You will say hello to the fears that hide inside of you. You will say hello to your childhood pain and your conditioning. And because of your willingness to see your fears and your pain, you will also say hello to your primal power, your inner wise self, and your flawless intuition.

  You are an amazing person with the potential to change lives—both your own life and the lives of others. This sensitivity you have, which seems to betray you on a daily basis, can be understood on a deeper level and ca
n unlock your higher self in a way you’ve only dreamed about.

  This book is an emotional journey. It will guide you down the path of emotional shadow work, encouraging you to dig into all of your messy energy and all of your pain. The only way out of the pain is through it, and the practices in this book will guide you to the other side.

  You’ll make your relationships a hell of a lot easier by being able to differentiate between the energy of others and your own, and by being able to nurture and strengthen the boundaries that protect those relationships. You’ll receive the respect you deserve from the people in your life by being able to show up in all your glory, taking up the space you rightfully deserve. Everything in your life will seem simpler and more straightforward because of the complicated work you are showing up for right now.

  Thank you for showing up. Showing up is half the battle.

  A Journey into Your Truest Self

  What you’ll do in this book requires courage, because the scariest thing you could face in this lifetime is the truth about yourself and your power. You’ll open up a door you’ve been trying to keep shut, and you’ll step through it. You’ll dive into your emotions and learn a new way to handle them. You’ll meet your emotions with love and acceptance, even if they’re negative emotions. You’ll identify your patterns and the roots of your pain, and you’ll transmute them into personal power.

  First, we’ll look at what the hell an empath is, and some of the ways being an empath has made life a little more difficult. We’ll shift the focus of being an empath from your relationships with other people to your relationship with yourself.

  Then, we’ll explore the shadow side of being an empath. Being able to approach and work with your own personal darkness as much as you work with the light will completely change how you see yourself and the world. We’ll learn how to appreciate the parts of you that live in that hidden shadow self and the parts of you that were wounded in childhood. These parts are full of power, and yet we’ve been taught to ignore them all our lives.