Every Breath (A Different Kind of Love #5)

by Liz Durano

  “I remember.” I take a sip of my coffee, pointing to his plate. “Now finish your breakfast before the bus arrives.”

  Twenty minutes later, Dax walks Dyami to the bus stop so they can talk “mano a mano” and comes back to pick up the plastic container with the burritos, kisses Nana one more time and gives me a hug.

  “If Benny’s still working out there tomorrow, you should come by,” he says. “We’re gonna be watching Curious George… or if Ani-pea gets her way, Bubble Guppies. Then if we’re not too exhausted after the kids go to sleep, we can play card games.”

  I roll my eyes, laughing. “So much for Valentine’s Day, huh? What happened to the romance?”

  Dax gives me two thumbs up. “The best, man. The best.”

  Nana and I laugh as Dax waves goodbye and gets behind the wheel of his truck. As I watch him back out of the driveway, some days I can’t believe my baby brother is married with kids.

  “I hope Benny will be back by then, mija,” Nana says as I finish my coffee.

  “I’ll be okay, Nana. You know how much I hate Valentine’s Day. It’s too commercial,” I say. “But I do like the day after when chocolates are all half off.”

  “A little romance now and then never hurt nobody, mija.” Nana shakes her head as she wipes the table. “Are you working today?”

  “Yup. Ten to four. I should be home by five.” I wash my coffee cup in the sink, rinsing it before setting it on the drying rack in the dishwasher. Even though our dad upgraded everything in Nana’s kitchen, we still wash everything by hand, using the dishwasher mostly as a drying rack unless Dad is around. Then we actually pull out the instructions and use it.

  “I like that schedule better than your old one although you do look tired this morning,” Nana says. “I hope you’re enjoying your new position.”

  “It gets boring some days but I like it.”

  It’s actually not boring; it’s just so different from what I’m used to doing. I used to work as a hospice nurse but after Dad invested in a nurse staffing agency five months ago, I’m now one of the major owners and manage it. These days, instead of being at the patient’s bedside, I’m sending the nurses and other medical professionals to homes and hospices in Taos and Santa Fe. We’re also expanding to include non-medical positions like general caregiving.

  Some days I miss my old position but I also get why Dad did what he did. Like Benny’s Navajo mother who believes that people who work around the dying end up having too many spirits hanging around them, Dad always felt I came home from work sad even though I never admitted it. I took it out on Dax by joking with him a lot but I guess, Benny nailed it when he said that some days there was sadness behind my eyes.

  While Benny never minded my work as a hospice nurse like his mother did, he never understood why I refused all of Dad’s earlier offers to give me my own staffing agency given that I had a Master’s degree in Management and Dad has money to burn—too much sometimes. Whether it’s other people’s or his own, Daniel Drexel is a whiz with money, and for as long as he’s been my father, he’s always been about making sure his kids—and now his grandkids—have a financial cushion to fall back on. Already, Dyami and Dax’s twins have trust funds set up.

  “Is everything okay?” Nana asks, breaking through my thoughts.

  “Yes. Why?”

  “You look pale,” she says. “And you didn’t even eat any breakfast. Aren’t you hungry?”

  I shake my head. I haven’t been eating as much lately, my stomach feeling weird for the last three days. Maybe I caught a bug at work. Who knows? I just hope Benny didn’t catch it, too.

  “No, not at the moment, although I’ll pack a burrito for work if Dax didn’t take them all with him.”

  “I set two aside for you, mija,” Nana says, patting a plastic container with my name on it on the kitchen counter.

  * * *

  Benny’s call comes an hour later while I’m in the office, staring at the monitor and trying to figure out the staffing schedule.

  “It’s going to take at least three days of meetings to figure out what we can do over here,” he says and I can hear the sounds of other people talking in the background. “I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it back in time for Valentine’s, babe. Sorry.”

  “It’s okay, Benny. You know how I hate how commercial it’s become.”

  I hear him exhale, imagining the disappointment on his face. “I know, but I’ve never missed spending a single Valentine’s Day with you in twelve years.”

  “There’s a first time for everything, Benny. Guess this is the year.” I force a smile, hoping he can sense my attempt to lighten the mood. He does have a point. He’s never missed a year—until now. “Do your job. I’ll be fine over here.”

  He pauses, his voice lowering when he continues. “Ayóó anííníshní.”

  “Ayóó ánííníshní,” I whisper, hoping he doesn’t detect the catch in my voice. It happens every time I hear him say it.

  I love you.

  Chapter Three

  Two days since I left Taos to deal with the latest toxic waste spill incident and I’m ready to go home. Too bad, the closest to home I can get to right now is my hotel room but after the day I’ve had, I’ll take what I can get.

  Bolting the door behind me, I strip off my clothes and step into the steaming shower, doing my best to let go of the last two days that begun in the arms of the woman I love and ending right here, with me wishing she weren’t so far away.

  But there was also that visit to my mother in Shiprock, just outside the Navajo Nation where she lives with Marjorie, my recently divorced half-sister and her two kids, seven and five. Mother used to live on the rez but after my stepfather got run over while changing his car tire by the side of the highway, she couldn’t handle managing the house alone. It was constantly falling apart. And then there was the water situation. She had to truck in her own water and with her bad back, she couldn’t do it alone. Electricity was sporadic. Some days she’d have it and some days, she wouldn’t. And so I bought her a three-bedroom house outside the reservation, one that was connected to the city grid and had everything she needed—water, gas, electricity, cable. Marjorie helps out by paying rent and half of the utilities.

  Once a month and a few weeks during the summer, I take Dyami with me to visit with them as well as Grandfather who still lives in the Navajo Nation. As sporadic as our visits are, Grandfather still does his best to teach Dyami about the Diné way, or the People’s way, from the cardinal directions, the environment, the land, and the hogan. One day, I’m sure Grandfather will suggest that Dyami is ready for his kinaaldâ, his puberty ceremony, but until then, I’ll leave Dyami to enjoy being the kid that he is.

  Mother was happy to see me although she was annoyed that I hadn’t bothered to tell her I was stopping by for she’d have told Noelle that I was coming. It took all of her self-control not to text my first love even though Noelle has since been married after I broke up with her—and widowed. Still, I love how Mother’s never given up on Noelle and me but she’s also got to understand that that ship has long sailed.

  It’s not going to happen, Mother, I’d told her before kissing her forehead and reminding her that I still had work to do at the spill site two hours away. I’d taken the morning off to make the drive to and back while my colleagues continued to collect samples and run the required tests.

  I stand in the middle of the shower and stretch my neck, letting the water rain down and steam fill the room. Another thing about traveling for the job (besides visiting your mother and reminding her that certain ships have sailed) is catching up with colleagues over dinner and drinks. It’s the only way we can tune out work and feel normal. Turns out I’m the only one who hasn’t gotten himself, as Bob puts it, “tied down to the old ball and chain” called a wife and kids.

  Since I last saw them five years ago, Bob had gotten married twice and divorced twice, Larry is going through his divorce and my other colleague David is no better
. Recently divorced, he was so horny he could have eye-fucked the waitress if she let him. She gave him the finger instead.

  It felt strange having them look at me like I’m some sort of god, still together with the same woman but not tied down to her in the eyes of the law. In their eyes, I was free to sow my oats in someone else’s field any time I wanted.

  But that’s never been the way things worked between Sarah and me. From the moment we met in Albuquerque, we’ve always had a tumultuous relationship and we haven’t exactly been together for the entire twelve years. There were months when we’d split up and swear we’d never talk to each other again but that never lasted long. There’s something about Sarah I just can’t get enough of. She’s feisty and opinionated, loyal and passionate. Most of all, she’s got these killer curves I can’t get enough of and a smile that always brings me back to her no matter what. When she loves, she loves with everything she’s got.

  When we did split up, three months is probably the longest we’ve managed to stay apart and when we’d get together again, we’d swear never to let a night go by that we’d stay angry with each other. The last time we separated that long was seven years ago, one year before I popped the big question and got the big NO, a stark reminder that she held the key to my heart because the rejection fucking hurt.

  Her reason? Her younger brother Dax was taking their mother’s death a few months earlier pretty hard. He’d started drinking and was getting into fights. He’d lost all direction, too. To him, Pearl Drexel was his biggest champion from the day he was born until the day she drew her last breath. He straightened out only when he started building an earthship on the outskirts of Taos with the help of the Villier brothers who took him in, giving him a mallet and a ton of soil to pound all that grief out of his system.

  I could have asked Sarah to marry me again but one rejection was too much for this proud heart. Besides, every time we got into an argument or a disagreement and split up, the makeup sex was through the roof. Still is, and it’s fucking addicting. And then there are the other things we do when we’re alone that’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.

  But such things, no matter how exciting, aren’t going to last forever. Just because two people share a child doesn’t mean they don’t have to make it official. And just because she said no that first time doesn’t mean I can’t ask her again.

  So why the fuck haven’t I?

  But I already knew the answer. It’s the reason why I told my mother to stop dreaming that I’d go back to Noelle one day because it’ll never happen, the same reason I haven’t texted the woman at the bar who slipped me her phone number as I made my way back from the men’s room.

  How do you do it, man? Larry had asked, looking truly impressed. How do you get them creaming for you just by looking at you?

  I didn’t answer him. I wanted nothing more than to get back to my hotel room, lock the fucking door, and wash the grime of the day off me—but not before tossing the napkin with the woman’s number in the trash. Years ago, I would have gone for it but not anymore. I don’t call Sarah my woman for nothing.

  Absently I stroke myself, remembering our last time together. My cock stiffens as my hand slides over the shaft again and again, the memory of Sarah’s moans against my ear filling my thoughts. Seeing her with her eyes shut and her mouth half open as she whispered my name. I groan, one arm pressing against the wall as my hips lean into the sensations that hit me, my hand going over the sensitive tip and back down the shaft again. And again.

  I miss her. Fuck. My body misses her. Every fiber of my being wants her. Needs her. Craves her.

  So what the fuck am I waiting for?

  I can see her in my mind, her back to me as I order her to spread her legs wide, her hands against the wall for support. Her delicious ass presses against me, my cock sheathing itself inside her, so hot and slick, so perfect. She moans, falling back onto my cock and bouncing there as my arm wraps around her, one hand finding her tits, squeezing it, pulling on her nipple until she whimpers.

  I can feel her pulsing around me, ready to explode. I slam into her, water pummeling our bodies as she arches her back, taking me deeper. I grit my teeth, feeling her pussy milking me, even as I hold off my release.

  Fuck. You’re so tight, Sarah. So perfect. So good.

  I can hear her panting, breathing my name as she comes hard, grinding her hips against me, one arm reaching behind her to grab the back of my neck, pulling me closer. I suck on the skin between her neck and shoulder and she shudders against me.

  I squeeze my eyes shut, stroking my cock faster. Fuck. I’m so close. In my mind, I pull out and order her to kneel. I can see her face from behind my eyelids as she kneels before me and takes my cock in her mouth. She takes me in, sucking me all the way back to her throat. My balls tighten. I groan, my body feeling like it’s standing just inches from a precipice, ready to let go, ready to lose myself in her eyes, her mouth… her everything.

  My cock jerks in my hand as my release comes, every muscle in my body tightening. Colors burst in my vision. I groan, feeling my body shudder as my orgasm rushes through me like a wave, Sarah’s face front and center in my mind. When I’m spent, I don’t know how long I stand under the water that’s now turned cold but hell, do I need it.

  I shut off the shower and towel myself dry. Wrapping a dry towel around my waist, I step out of the bathroom and look at the empty bed that’s not mine. Or hers, for that matter. After twelve years together, it’s about time we sleep in a bed we can call ours, a bed that belongs in one place only—our home.

  But it’s not like I don’t know what to do next. I still have the ring, don’t I?

  All I need now is the perfect timing… and help from the usual suspects.

  Chapter Four

  Ugh. Valentine’s Day.

  I know I’ve had it when the latest arrival of another bouquet has everyone gushing and swooning outside my office. That’s it. With the scheduling for the rest of the week done, I might as well hide at home and ride out the rest of Valentine’s Day by watching nature documentaries. Face it, it’s my first Valentine’s Day alone and I’m acting like such a baby about it.

  And why shouldn’t I whine about it? I just learned some news first thing this morning and I don’t exactly know what to think. On the one hand, I’m ecstatic. On the other hand, maybe he should have been part of the planning. Not that I planned it, to begin with. But at least, I know one thing: I’m not coming down with some bug.

  But Valentine’s Day isn’t exactly the best day to process the unexpected development. And as much as I swear that I don’t care about how it’s gotten so commercial, for the last twelve years, Benny has never missed an opportunity to prove me wrong. He’s always managed to be in town, leave me naughty voicemails and text messages, even give me silly cards like You and me are like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You’re hot and I want to be on top of you, before taking me out to dinner and afterward, show me exactly how we’re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. Sometimes, even better.

  Today? Nada, zilch, nothing. It’s like he disappeared off the face of the earth. He did warn me he was going to be busy since his bosses were flying up today to join them on the field. I should be happy I got to talk to him for a bit last night before Dyami insisted he needed some manly advice from his dad and proceeded to talk to Benny for fifteen minutes before Benny said he had to go. His colleagues were meeting him for dinner. After I hung up, Nana and I helped Dyami get every card for his Valentine’s Day card exchange perfectly folded and tucked inside its envelope—although there was one card he refused to let us see at all, not even a peek.

  Maybe that’s what Dyami and his dad were talking about last night, about some girl he probably has a crush on although he’s really too young to think of such things. I remember rolling my eyes as Dyami cast a curious look at my direction while he was on the phone as if admitting to his mom that he’s got a crush on some girl is the worst thing he can tell her. I shake my
head as I get up from my desk and shut off my computer. Men and their secrets… not that it’s doing me any good for Valentine’s Day.

  The office is abuzz with energy as I step outside my office. There are bouquets of flowers on every desk along with red balloons screaming Valentine’s Day and everyone has that glow of love on their faces. It doesn’t help that my first whiff of daylilies has me sneezing and I rush back into my office and shut the door.

  Yep, I need to hide for the rest of the day, alright. I can’t take any more of the flowers or how commercial the day has become… and how I’m not a part of it because my partner’s not here.

  * * *

  I spot the note tucked under my windshield wiper the moment I turn the corner to the parking lot. My heart quickens when I recognize the handwriting.

  Go to the place where we first met. Not the one in ABQ but the satellite location by Taos Plaza. And no, don’t call me or text me or the surprise ends the moment I pick up.

  I look around, wanting to shout Benny’s name and tell him how dare he spring this on me now. He knows I hate surprises. But then, he also knows how much I love a challenge.

  I get in my car and drive to Zia Moon, a small coffee shop that serves one of the best coffees in the state and every other Friday night, they hold a Poetry Slam where poets young and old stand on a stage and recite their poetry. It’s also where Benny and I first met thirteen years ago, although it was at their main location in Albuquerque close to the university.

  The place was packed, and he’d been hogging this one table and my friend and I needed to sit down and discuss a paper we were presenting in a few days. We asked if we could join him and he simply gestured to the chairs with his chin before returning his attention to his laptop. I still remember watching his tanned fingers resting on the table, a hint of a tattoo on his forearm peeking from under the sleeve of his white button-down shirt. Broad shoulders, muscled thighs under tight jeans from the glimpse I caught when I had to pick up a pencil off the floor, with skin that told me he clearly spent a lot of time outdoors, Benny looked nothing like the serious graduate student vibe he was projecting.