Chasing Mercury

by Kimberly Cooper Griffin

  Nora knew she should get up to rekindle the fire, but she was so warm and the air outside was so cold. She justified staying where she was by not wanting to wake 4B. So she lay there, enjoying the possessive arm wrapped around her middle.

  “I don’t want to move,” murmured 4B, just as Nora was about to drift back off.

  “I thought you were still asleep,” said Nora, hoping 4B wouldn’t leave.

  “I was until just now. I don’t want to get up.”

  “Don’t then. It’s cold out there.”

  But 4B pushed herself up and looked out into the sodden light of the rainy morning. Nora missed her warmth as soon as she moved away.

  “God, you’re not kidding.” 4B shivered, but slid out from under the covers and crawled toward the fire. She tossed a few sticks of wood on the embers and crouched over the flames that started to grow.

  “That was the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time,” said Nora, stretching under the covers but not getting up.

  “Stay there until it warms up out here,” said 4B shrugging into the pilot’s jacket and pulling the hood of the sweatshirt under it over her head. Her breath formed a cloud near her lips. Nora checked her watch. It was just past dawn and the temperature read just a few ticks above freezing.

  Nora watched 4B, with her mussed up hair and sleepy face. 4B hugged her knees to her chest and hunched close to the fire. Another fine poof of white came from her mouth when she yawned and rubbed her face. “My head is a little fuzzy. I’m not sure if I should blame it on the bump on my head or the alcohol you plied me with last night,” said 4B, with a wide yawn.

  “I seem to remember it was you who insisted on finishing off our stash of wine. Not that I was complaining. But don’t go spreading rumors about it being me getting you drunk when you know who did the plying.”

  “All right, all right. I accept the blame. Man, it’s cold, though.”

  “Take your own advice and come back here and get under the covers until it warms up, then.”

  4B looked over at Nora with a contemplative look and then shook her head. Nora wondered if she had done something to make 4B uncomfortable. Or maybe 4B was embarrassed about their cozy sleeping position once she’d had a minute to think about it. Whatever it was, it felt like a huge wall had just gone up.

  “Tempting,” 4B finally said. “But I’m already up, and it’s pretty warm by the fire.”

  “Suit yourself,” Nora said as she rolled onto her side and shut her eyes. She hoped her voice didn’t betray the disappointment she was feeling over 4B’s sudden distance.

  “I kind of thought I’d wake up this morning and have my memory back,” said 4B, biting into a piece of jerky and gazing out at the rain that continued to fall in sheets around them. Nora was relieved 4B wasn’t acting as distant as she had that morning. “I feel much better and my cognitive faculties seem to be functioning fine otherwise. Drinking all that wine with a possible concussion wasn’t wise, but I don’t seem any worse for it.”

  “Cognitive faculties, huh?” teased Nora, sitting across the fire from her and pausing in her mental inventory of their remaining food to smile at 4B. “You sound like a professor.”

  “Maybe that’s what I am.”

  Nora squinted at her.

  “Hmm… With a pipe and a tweed jacket. I can almost see it… in thirty years or so.”

  4B wrinkled her nose and Nora found it very cute.

  “Strike the smelly pipe, but I think I could do the tweed jacket,” said 4B with a grin.

  “Still nothing?” asked Nora. She couldn’t tell how 4B felt about her memory loss. Or about that morning. 4B’s sudden distance still stung.

  “It’s a very strange feeling. I remember everything about yesterday, and odd things like knowing I don’t like pipe smoke. But I have no memory from before waking up here yesterday. It didn’t feel as strange at first, but now that some time has passed, it’s weird to think back and hit a wall of… nothingness. It’s like having a point of reference makes it more obvious.”

  “I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like,” said Nora, wondering what would be worse—having no memory or remembering the crash. Then she went directly to worrying about their food supply. She had a hard time swallowing her bite of jerky.

  “There you go again.”

  “What?” asked Nora.

  “Falling into your head again.”

  Nora tried to think of a response that didn’t betray her dire thoughts, but 4B seemed to know what was on her mind.

  “How much longer do you think we have until our food runs out?” asked 4B.

  “The peanuts and crackers could last us several days if we continue to ration them, but as far as the rest of the jerky, I think we can make it stretch to dinner tomorrow or breakfast the next day. So, our variety is almost gone.”

  4B fiddled with the small bag of peanuts she hadn’t yet opened.

  “Maybe we need to think about hunting and gathering when this rain lets up. Do you know anything about what plants are safe to eat?” asked 4B.

  Nora shook her head and felt like she was letting 4B down. She was embarrassed about her lack of survival skills. Being outdoorsy was almost a prerequisite for being an Alaskan, and although she had done her stint in search and rescue, Nora didn’t really know that much about living off the land. Her survival training had come with plenty of military issued freeze-dried meals.

  “I know how to fish. We’re both smart women, I’m sure we can figure out how to hunt if it comes down to it. I just hope it won’t,” said Nora, sounding more confident than she felt.

  “Necessity is the mother of invention. Maybe we can make a knife or arrows out of pieces of the airplane.”

  “I just had a vision of us going all Lord of the Flies out here,” snorted Nora.

  4B laughed and they were quiet for a moment.

  “You know what’s strange?”

  “Besides this whole thing?” asked Nora spreading out her arms indicating everything around them.

  “Yes, besides all of this,” agreed 4B with a smile. “What I find strange is I am not more afraid than I am.”

  “You aren’t? I’m terrified,” admitted Nora. It felt good to say it out loud.

  “I’m a little afraid, but not as much as I would have thought I would be,” said 4B. “For whatever reason, I just have a feeling everything will be okay.”

  Nora looked into the fire. She felt just the opposite. She was scared she wouldn’t be able to keep 4B safe. She was terrified they would run out of food and slowly starve to death. She worried 4B’s wound would become infected and she’d die right in front of her for need of simple antibiotics. She was frightened that lack of food and infected wounds were the least of their worries, and that snow would come and they would freeze to death in their sleep. Or bears. She didn’t want to think about bears.

  “I hope you’re right,” she said, eating the last of her peanuts and reaching out to grab one of the plastic cups they had placed on a rock to catch the rain. “At least we have all the water we need.”

  “Shit,” said Nora, laying down her last card, dismayed that 4B had forced the queen of spades on her once again. They’d given up poker to play a two-handed version of hearts, and 4B’s extraordinary beginner’s luck had followed to this game, too. “I’d get upset at losing all the time, but Aunt Mace has numbed me to that delight already.”

  “Maybe I’m a professional card shark in real life,” laughed 4B.

  “Is it shark or sharp?” asked Nora.

  “I have no idea, actually,” said 4B handing over the cards she’d collected during the hand.

  “Either way, you should seriously consider becoming a professional card player,” said Nora, gathering the cards and shuffling them for a new hand. “We should take the first flight to Vegas when we get out of here.” Realizing she had just suggested they get on another airplane, she stopped mid-shuffle and looked up. 4B looked up at the same time.

  “Nah!” th
ey said in unison and laughed.

  Nora started to deal the cards and contemplated again how much more unpleasant the situation would have been had she been stranded with someone she didn’t get along with—or even if her survival companion had been the woman sitting next to her in the plane before it crashed instead of 4B. An immediate wave of guilt washed over her for her thoughts. She started to beat herself up and had to remind herself that her thoughts hadn’t caused any part of the ordeal they were faced with. The constant feeling of guilt kept rising in her, making her crazy. This wasn’t her. She’d always been confident and easy going. The last couple of years had admittedly shaken her a bit, but all of that was behind her now, and she’d never wasted her time on guilt. Maybe the crash had changed her. She wondered if 4B had similar thoughts and feelings.

  “You know, if I had to be stranded, I’m glad it was with you,” said Nora, trying to put her feelings into words, putting positive thoughts out there instead of the self-deprecating ones that tried to steal her confidence. But hearing it out loud made her cringe. Seriously. Who says that sort of thing? And especially after the awkward morning they had. When 4B didn’t respond immediately, she wished she had kept it to herself. “Yeah. Sorry. It sounded weirder out loud than it did in my head,” said Nora, staring at the cards she was dealing.

  4B’s smile was hard to read.

  “No. I get it,” responded 4B, just as Nora was about to change the subject. “I’m glad you’re not wishing you were stranded with someone else.”

  Nora was relieved but 4B hadn’t said she was glad to be stranded with her. Maybe that’s why she said what she said next, to test 4B’s feelings about her. She wasn’t exactly acting like her normal self. It seemed that putting herself out there was on par with everything else that had happened to them so far. “I like you. We barely know each other, but you’re easy to be around and I can’t imagine doing this alone. You keep me from dwelling on things, which helps more than you know. Also, it doesn’t hurt that you have a killer smile. Oh, and you don’t snore.” She added the last to ease the unexpected seriousness she was heading toward.

  4B laughed. “It’s the same for me… except the snoring thing.”

  “What? I snore?” asked Nora, pausing in her dealing of the cards. She was a little embarrassed about her little monologue, but 4B didn’t seem put off by it. She was glad they were talking about things. But, she didn’t snore. Did she? “Really?”

  4B held up a hand with her forefinger and thumb measuring out a quarter inch.

  “Just a little. It’s cute.”

  Nora shook her head and blushed. “No one has ever told me. Of course, it’s been a while since I’ve had an overnight guest.”

  She finished dealing and they picked up their cards.

  “I find it hard to believe,” said 4B organizing the cards in her hand.

  “Find what hard to believe?” asked Nora, leading with the two of clubs.

  “That it’s been a while,” replied 4B, tossing out a card. “You know? The overnight guest thing.”

  “Oh,” said Nora, picking out her lowest diamond to throw down on 4B’s ten. She already knew 4B was going to rout her—again. “Yeah, I’ve sworn off women for a while.”

  They tossed out a few more rounds, and then Nora realized she had just come out to 4B. She’d been so focused on the stuff she’d said before that she hadn’t even realized what she’d just said. Worry about giving 4B more reason to feel even weirder about the morning seized her. Nora peeked over her cards at 4B, who was staring at her cards and her brow was knit in concentration like it always was when she was trying to win the game. Or maybe absorbing the fact she was trapped alone in remote woods with a lesbian. Nora couldn’t tell how she felt. She was trying to decide whether she should ask, when 4B beat her to it.

  “The woman who broke your heart didn’t deserve to have it,” said 4B. “Wait. Did you really just throw that card? You know all of the diamonds are out there already, right? I have to give you the queen now.”

  “What?” asked Nora. She was having a hard time processing what 4B said. It was as if she had started to throw herself into an abyss, but just realized she didn’t need to, and now she had to stop the forward momentum.

  4B pointed at the cards lying on the rock between them.

  “You threw the last diamond and you know I have the queen of spades.”

  Nora studied her cards. She had no idea what cards had been played while all the tumultuous thoughts had catapulted through her mind. She made a show of going back over the last few tricks as she reset her inner turmoil. She’d gotten distracted by her own thoughts and she’d made a stupid play. She did it all the time and that’s why Aunt Mace always cleaned house on her at cards. It didn’t bother her that 4B was doing the same, though. More importantly, 4B didn’t seem bothered by Nora’s comment, which was a good thing.

  “I did, didn’t I?”

  “It’s my fault. I distracted you. I shouldn’t have said anything about the snoring. You really don’t. It’s more like heavy breathing, with an occasional teeny-tiny snort. Hardly noticeable. It’s cute. I swear.”

  “That’s it. You distracted me. Otherwise I’d be winning. So, stop it,” admonished Nora with a mock glare and they both laughed. Nora relaxed. It felt like they had just settled a few things between them without a whole lot of effort. She had even more appreciation for having 4B in this with her rather than anyone else.

  They finished out the hand and Nora took almost all of the hearts, losing soundly.

  “Can I ask you something?” asked 4B, after she’d dealt the next hand.

  “Sure,” said Nora, leading again with the two of clubs.

  “When we’re like this, do you feel…? Oh, I don’t know. Like it’s wrong or something?”

  “Wrong?” asked Nora. Maybe 4B did care about her being gay.

  “Yeah. Like it’s just not fair? Like how did we get lucky, and the others didn’t? I know we’re still in a pretty scary spot, and if we don’t get rescued soon, we’ll be in trouble. But we’re still alive.”

  Nora looked up at 4B and wondered how she’d let herself get more concerned about 4B’s reaction to her being gay than how she felt about surviving an airplane crash. Maybe she was avoiding thinking about it, even as they lived it. Psychology had always seemed like such an illogical concept to her, but now she wished it were something she knew more about. She was navigating unknown territory. Stuffing it away was her immediate reaction. But it seemed like 4B needed to talk about it.

  “Yeah, the guilt has been hard. I know I should feel grateful I’m still alive, but…” she didn’t know how to continue.

  “I know. It’s like… it’s like… why am I alive and the others aren’t?” offered 4B, sounding relieved to be talking about it.

  Part of Nora wanted to change the subject, not knowing what to say, while the other part wanted to press forward. When she did, she found she had a lot to say. Not acting like herself was becoming a habit.

  “Yeah. I feel like I’m not allowed to consider myself lucky, but then I feel guilty for not having the appropriate appreciation for not ending up in the ravine with the others. And then I remember we’re still out here, not quite safe and sound, and I get scared. And something inside me tells me there’s no room for fear, that I have to just push through and do what needs to be done. It’s a vicious circle and I keep having these mental fights with myself about all of it.”

  4B lowered the hand of cards she had been arranging and studied Nora. “You just put into words an idea that has been lurking in my head all day. I didn’t know how to say it. Except, I have this numb feeling inside me, too, a part that seems to be hiding from reality. Like I’m… broken, or something.”

  “Broken?”

  “Yeah. It could be the memory loss. I’m pretty sure I have amnesia. At least I tell myself it’s got to be amnesia. But I feel like there’s something inside that’s purposefully disjointed, preventing me from feeling the amount of sc
ared I should be experiencing,” 4B shook her head as if something in her mind was just out of grasp. “It’s hard to explain. Maybe I should be grateful for it.”

  “I’ve just had a few more days to dwell on it,” said Nora.

  They were quiet for a few minutes, their cards forgotten.

  “You’re easy to be around, Nora. Easy to talk to. I’m glad it’s you who found me.”

  “I am, too, 4B.”

  They sat quietly for a moment, staring into the fire.

  “Why do you think we’re the only ones who…” Nora looked at 4B, who continued to stare into the fire. She couldn’t finish her sentence. Saying it out loud made it more real. It was one thing to talk about herself and her situation, but another to talk about the fate of the others.

  “Survived?” prompted 4B, finishing her sentence.

  “Yeah. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Why did we get tossed out up here? Why aren’t there others? How come we’re not more badly injured?” The relief of talking about it battled with the pain of giving words to the thoughts she’d pushed aside.

  “We’ll probably never know,” said 4B, confirming Nora’s suspicions.

  “I’ve been thinking about the whole physics aspect of it. The flight was full. There was a woman in the seat right next to me. Why am I here but she’s not? You were up in first class and I was in coach. We weren’t even on the same side of the aisle.”

  “Is there much wreckage up here? Besides this wing? Or is it all down in the ravine?” asked 4B.

  “It’s hard to say. The airplane was pretty broken up when I saw it. I couldn’t really tell how much of it was down there but it seemed like some was missing. It seemed like some of the other wing was missing. I didn’t recognize any of it as the tail. It makes me think some of it is up on the mountain above us. There’s not much here, on this ledge. I think the plane, or a part of it, kind of bounced down here, barely touching down. The engine broke away from this wing and is close by,” said Nora indicating behind them. “And some of the landing gear is past the rocks where the latrine is. I saw something that looked like a crumpled seat tray half buried. Other than that, and the stuff you see in here, plus a couple of airline magazines, which I burned, there wasn’t much left up on this ledge. It all went into the ravine.”