Elizabeth had been beyond angry. Angry at Kev for dismissing her desire to wait until after med school to even discuss marriage. But the more interesting thing was that she’d been even angrier at Layce for making her feel like it was her fault Kev was going to ask her to marry him in the first place. What did Layce care? Layce of the never-ending line of women she flaunted in her face. Layce who had dumped her all those years ago. As far as she was concerned, Layce had absolutely no say in the matter. Even so, she decided then if Kev really did ask her to marry him, she would say no.
Pissed off, but still sensitive to Kev’s feelings, she didn’t say any of this to Layce. Instead, Elizabeth had asked Layce why she even cared. Elizabeth had been tired of dealing with Layce’s attitude all day. She’d had half a mind not to even go to the marina that night. She’d rather take a long drive by herself. Everyone could fuck off with their unwanted proposals and bitchiness for all she cared.
Unexpectedly, the conversation had brought up a whole lot of old feelings for Elizabeth. She and Layce had never really talked about the time at the sleepover or the time in the meadow—except for when Layce had told her how wrong it had been and that they should forget it. Elizabeth had been too embarrassed to press Layce about and she’d tucked it away. After that, they had gone on with their lives as if nothing had ever happened. But months later, after Elizabeth and Kev had started dating, Layce had started dating other girls. A bitter sense of betrayal had filled Elizabeth, but since they had never spoken about what had happened, she had to kept it all inside. She had watched Layce with the other girls and her heart broke with each new one. Each one had proven to Elizabeth that Layce just didn’t feel the same way Elizabeth felt about about her.
Until that 4th of July.
Layce had begun acting like she had a say in the matter. And she definitely did not.
“You have no right to tell me who I should or shouldn’t marry. You can’t even stay with one girlfriend for more than a month!” she’d said, squaring off with Layce, daring her to respond.
That’s when the fight had really escalated. They’d said a lot of things to one another, but never once had they said what was really bothering them. Then, tired of the fight and raw from the subject, Elizabeth had looked Layce in the eye and told her what she had been holding onto for so long.
“You fucking don’t get it! You never have.”
“You’re right, I don’t,” said Layce, and Elizabeth remembered how frustrated she’d been at the smirk on Layce’s face.
“I have been the one suffering all of this time, watching you go from girl to girl, listening to how great this one is, how awesome that one is. Even telling me details about your sex life…”
“What?” Layce had spat out, clenching her fists. Elizabeth had never seen her so angry. “You’ve told me every excruciating detail about you and Kev! Oh, wait! It’s okay because you’re straight? Is that it? Are you a closet homophobe just like your mom?”
“What does my mom have to do with anything? And you know I’m not a homophobe.”
“Yeah, right.”
“You know it! All these years you’ve been parading all your girlfriends by me as if it didn’t matter. And all this time all I’ve ever wanted was for you to acknowledge…” Elizabeth couldn’t say it.
“Acknowledge what?”
“Nothing.”
“Really. Acknowledge what? That you and Kev are made for each other? You’re not. There. I’ve said it. You don’t belong together. You’re settling. You don’t love him.”
“I do.”
“Not the right way.”
“What do you know about it? But you’re right. I don’t. All this time I’ve only wished he was you.” Elizabeth had been shocked to hear herself say those words out loud. She’d hardly admitted them to herself. But now that they were out, and she knew they were true, even if she didn’t know the extent of what it meant, she figured she should admit the rest. Get the rest off her chest. “But you never gave me the chance, Layce. You told me to forget what happened. You’re the homophobe. You! You know what? Never mind. You’ll never get it, anyway,” said Elizabeth as she stormed away from Layce’s house, from Layce’s surprised eyes.
She drove around for a while, trying to figure out where she should go. And finally, when the sun started to set, she went where she was expected. She was late getting to the marina, but she went, just like everyone knew she would. Layce had been there, though. Even though Elizabeth hadn’t thought she would be, even after the embarrassing things Elizabeth had admitted to her, Layce had waited at their secret parking spot, the one no one ever thought to use, intercepting her as she parked her car. Elizabeth had still been angry, but she was tired of fighting. She was ready to put the fight to rest and was just about to tell her she wasn’t going to marry Kev anyway. Layce had even seemed to drop some of her bitchiness as she had approached Elizabeth, helping her out of the car.
But Kev had found them.
He’d been exuberant when he approached Elizabeth. She saw his smile dim a little when he saw Layce was with her, but it stayed on his face as he guided them to the picnic area, where he said everyone was already celebrating. Layce got shitty again. She’d made some remarks about how Kev always got his way and about people being forced to do things they didn’t want to do. Kev had lost his temper. He’d told Layce to mind her own business and go find some other girl to fuck. Elizabeth had yelled at him, then, she had yelled at them both. She’d told them that they were out of line. She’d almost left, but her mother found them and they’d all stuffed the anger down and pretended everything was fine.
The surge of emotions had left Elizabeth fuzzy and in the next moments, she’d found herself shuffled over to the marina where she lost track of Layce. Someone told her that Layce had left. She wanted to go find her, ashamed at having yelled at her, but people were pulling at her and she didn’t know where Layce had gone, anyway. That’s when everyone had mysteriously backed up a few feet. They were looking at her with big smiles and nudging each other. She’d looked around, confused, and Kev had been on his knee. There had been a big flash across the water, and a huge array of sparklers flamed a misspelled proposal. And, as if they hadn’t just been screaming at each other, Kev had asked her to marry him. In front of the entire town. She had almost run away when she saw the sparklers, but Kev had been on his knee and how could she embarrass him like that? She wasn’t even sure she had said yes. Kev had just slipped the ring on her finger and the town had exploded in congratulations. And they were engaged.
Layce had refused to speak to her after that night. Elizabeth hadn’t even known how to approach her after what she’d said. It had been a terrible summer. It had taken the rest of July and most of August to convince Kev that being engaged didn’t mean she was going to change schools and that she still had no intention of getting married before she finished med school. Thankfully, he’d eventually stopped trying to convince her. It seemed just wearing his ring put him in an overall better mood. Maybe that’s why she stopped trying to figure out how to give the ring back. And as the hot days of that summer wore on, she and Layce continued to avoid one another. She’d begun to wonder if she needed to make new living arrangements down in Baltimore, since it didn’t seem like she’d be sharing the apartment she and Layce had picked out.
Then Layce had shown up at her house. It had been the first time in a long time since Layce had come to her house.
They went for a drive.
“You weren’t the only one suffering, Eliza. I was suffering, too.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Your mother told me to leave you alone.”
“What?”
“I left a note on your windshield after you went rowing the day after the sleepover. You didn’t call and I was going crazy wondering if you were okay, worried that you were flipping out. So the next day, I went by your house and she answered the door. She had the note.”
“I never got a note.”
Layce reached into her pocket and pulled something out. She threw a crumpled note at her. Elizabeth smoothed it out and read it. A tsunami of emotion swept through her.
“This is from then, right after we…?”
Layce cleared her throat.
“Um. Yeah. The first part. I wrote the last part while everyone was watching the fireworks. I was a little pissed off that night.”
“I wish… I mean, if I’d seen this…” She didn’t know what she would have done if she’d seen it back then. But she knew things would have turned out different. Anger erupted in her. “She just said to leave me alone? And you listened to her? You never even told me!”
“She said you weren’t like me. That it wasn’t healthy for me to fill your head with stuff. ‘Painful confusion’ she called it. I was embarrassed, confused, scared. You hadn’t tried to talk to me. I didn’t know what to think. It was all new to me, too, Eliza. So, I left and pretended it never happened.”
Elizabeth stared at her hands in her lap, clutching the note. Her anger was gone and a dark emptiness filled her. She didn’t know what it all meant and so much had changed.
“It’s not fair,” she whispered. “All this time…”
“But, now you know. I’ve always loved you. I always will. But you’re with Kev now, and you’re going to marry him.”
“I’ll break it off.”
“Is it what you really want? Don’t do it for me, if that’s what you’re doing it for. You need to do it for yourself.”
“Of course I’d being doing it for myself. If I could be with you…”
“That can’t be your reason, Eliza. It can’t be for me. What do you want for yourself? I couldn’t stand to be your experiment. Not now. I don’t want to be your secret either. I want to be friends with you forever. If I had to choose between being your lover for a while or your friend forever, I would choose you as my best friend. If you break up with Kev, it has to be for something other than just to be with me.”
Elizabeth thought about breaking it off with Kev. She had wanted Layce for so long. But could she be open about it? Would her mother understand? What about Kev? He’d stood by her during her darkest times. She’d even told him about her and Layce—the times at the sleepover and in the meadow, but not the fight before he asked her to marry him. It would have been too much for him to carry. Could she do that to him? Could she break his heart after he’d stood by her through so much?
She felt Layce’s eyes on her as she considered everything. Her chest felt tight, feeling so many questions in her gaze. She wanted to tell Layce that she wanted to be lovers and best friends, that it didn’t need to be a choice. But she wasn’t sure she could live up to it. She wanted Layce more than anything else in the world. But, was she strong enough to disappoint every other person in her life? Maybe even lose some of them? She was relieved when Layce sighed and started the car without asking what she’d do.
Layce dropped Elizabeth back home after they agreed they would see how things played out. Elizabeth made no promises to change the direction of her life, and Layce made no promises other than to be a good friend. They did agree to one thing, though—they would live together in Baltimore, but they would keep their relationships with others separate. Kev wouldn’t come to visit, and Layce wouldn’t bring her girlfriends around. Somehow, they both assumed things would carry on as if nothing had ever been said.
That day, Elizabeth watched Layce drive off and an enormous hole in her heart opened up. All the time they’d had, all those chances, and she had missed them. Now she wasn’t sure she could change the image of herself she had worked so hard to build. An anger, dark and oily, began to swell within her.
Her mother was in her office—she was always in her office—and Elizabeth walked in. She slammed the door. Startled, her mother looked up from the stack of pages she was reviewing.
“Elizabeth, what’s wrong?”
“Did you really warn Layce off?”
Her mother paused and considered the question.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I haven’t seen Layce Dalton since you girls were in high school.”
“That’s because you told her to leave me alone.”
“I didn’t tell her to leave you alone.”
“What did you tell her, mother? She just told me her side, now I want to hear yours.”
“I found a letter she had written to you. A love letter.” Her mother’s eyes bored into her with meaning. “I saved you both some embarrassment and told her you weren’t interested.”
“How do you know I wasn’t?”
Her mother relaxed her shoulders.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Elizabeth. For one, you were still in high school, if I recall. You were already dating Kev. You’re engaged, for goodness sake. You aren’t like that.”
“Like what?”
“Elizabeth Grace, what has gotten into you?” asked her mother, lying down the pen she’d been holding. “You are not a lesbian.”
“How do you know?”
“I just do. Honey, I don’t understand this. I would know if you were gay. And I thank God you’re not. What mother would wish for their daughter to be unhappy and reviled?” A look of alarm crossed her mother’s face. “Are you worried I may have hurt your friend’s feelings? It was years ago. Layce can’t still be harboring ill feelings. I’ll be happy to talk to her.”
“Mom…”
“Seriously, if she’s still upset I’ll talk to her. People like her need to know they have people on their side.”
“As long as they aren’t trying to convert your daughter, is that it?”
“Elizabeth, what is wrong with you? Gays don’t convert people. They are born that way.”
“Is that what you really think, or is it just your canned senatorial response?”
“It’s not a canned response.”
“How do you feel about gays?”
“You know how I feel. They’re important in my life, though their orientation doesn’t define their relationship with me. They’re my friends. They’re some of my most brilliant staff members. They are valuable community members. I don’t know what this has to do with…”
“What if I were gay?” interrupted Elizabeth.
“But you aren’t.”
“But what if I were? And don’t try to do the politically correct thing. I’ve heard you talking to dad about it. I’ve heard you tell him you’d be disappointed.”
“If we’re being honest, I would be. The gay life is hard. There are so many people who disagree with it and condemn it. I get to see death threats made to my staffers from mean and sometimes violent anti-gay groups and people. Why would I want you to live with the constant stress and fear? Why would I want such difficulty in our family? Beyond that, the limitations under the law are a burden. And selfishly, I want grandchildren. I want you to follow in my footsteps and be the next generation carrying our name into Washington. Neither of those would be likely if you were a lesbian. So, if it’s wrong for me to be grateful you don’t have to face any of those hardships because you aren’t gay, then I’m wrong.”
Elizabeth didn’t know how to respond. It was true. Her mother wasn’t hateful. But something didn’t sit well, and she didn’t have the words to describe what it was. The confusion kept her from trying and she knew she would continue to choose the path that was chosen for her until she knew how to define what she felt.
She left her mother’s office still not knowing what she should do about her feelings for Layce, her promise to Kev, and the hopes that she represented for her parents. The one thing she would do, she knew, was be the best friend Layce needed her to be. Maybe she’d figure out the rest in time.
So, she and Layce moved to Baltimore. They lived together and they protected each other from their romantic lives. They made a trip down to Guatemala every year during summer break and provided shelter and immunizations to the locals.
But neither of them thought the impasse they had tac
itly agreed upon would last. And it didn’t. One day Layce told Elizabeth about Andrea, and Elizabeth could tell Andrea wasn’t just another girlfriend. Layce was in love and the dynamic had to shift. Layce still made time for Elizabeth and they still went on their trips. But Layce started to spend more time away from Elizabeth and more time with Andrea. And Elizabeth knew Layce’s heart had found a home.
Curious about the new girlfriend, because Layce had honored her promise and had never brought Andrea to the apartment, Elizabeth convinced Layce it was time to meet her. And against her will, she liked Andrea. Andrea was smart and funny, but most of all, she was good to Layce, and that was the most important thing.
It broke Elizabeth’s heart.
She and Layce got drunk one night, something they never did, because there was a chance that they’d edge back toward the place they had both walked away from.
Although Elizabeth had two more years of med school, Layce had just graduated from engineering school. They were celebrating.
Three bottles of champagne sat on the coffee table; two of them empty, one was still half-full. Layce sat at one end of the sofa and Elizabeth had her head in her lap. She was curled up on her side, facing away, and Layce scratched her back through her t-shirt.
“Someday you’re gonna build me a house, Layce,” said Elizabeth, first closing one eye, and then closing the other, watching the champagne bottles line up and then move apart. She pointed a finger at one of the bottles to hold it there and squinted. A flock of bottles fanned out in her vision and her finger wasn’t pointed at any of them.
“I have always known this. It will have high glass walls and lots of wood.”
“How’d you know?” asked Elizabeth, dropping her outstretched hand and glancing back at Layce before she dropped her head back onto her warm lap.
“You told me.”
“When was this?”
Chasing Mercury Page 34
