What Dreams May Come

by Alana Terry

  The woman whose engagement ring still sat in a box on his nightstand.

  The woman he’d planned to propose to.

  CHAPTER 13

  “The good Lord will raise you up on eagles’ wings. He will cover you with his feathers and offer you his comfort once more.”

  Comfort. What kind of comfort could Susannah expect after all she’d been through?

  Grandma Lucy was still going strong, without offering any hint that she was getting tired or preparing to wind down her speech. “The Lord is faithful, and he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.”

  It was a verse Susannah had been thinking about a lot lately. Carry it on to completion. Well, maybe for some people. Strong believers like Grandma Lucy, who spent most of their lives on the mission field serving God. Or Scott, with his passion for the lost guiding everything he did.

  Susannah might have been like that. She wanted to be like that. Wanted to have the same kind of faith that would sustain her as she traveled to the remotest parts of the earth, following God wherever his Spirit might lead. But she’d made a promise. A promise she refused to break.

  A promise that would dictate the rest of her life.

  God, I’m so sorry for complaining. I hate that I’m becoming so resentful.

  A promise. A promise she’d been happy to give when her mom was healthy, when the future was bright, when it seemed like Susannah would have decades ahead of her. Decades of freedom, adventure, love.

  Why did you have to take her away so soon? Susannah prayed as the uninvited, ugly thought she’d been fighting crept up into her consciousness: It shouldn’t have been Mom.

  It was a hideous thought. A hideous thing to wish, but there it was, staring her in the face like an infected bedsore.

  It shouldn’t have been Mom.

  She let out a choppy breath as Grandma Lucy recited the familiar passage from Isaiah. “Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

  Over the course of her life, Susannah’s mom had made her memorize dozens, probably hundreds of Bible verses. Learning Scripture was as regular a part of the family routine as praying before meals or practicing math facts every day. Her mom was so strong in the faith. Susannah still remembered how strange she’d felt as a little girl hearing her mom cry.

  Susannah was five or six, and they had just pulled into the garage after gymnastics classes. Susannah jumped out and stood watching while Mom helped her sister out of her car seat.

  “Mom, how old was I when I started walking?”

  Mom, somewhat distracted, answered, “I don’t know, hon. Around a year.”

  Susannah crossed her arms. Watched the familiar sight of Mom unbuckling Kitty. Making sure not to tangle the seatbelt around her.

  “Well, how old’s Kitty gonna be when she learns to walk?”

  Mom stopped and stared at her. Had she asked something wrong?

  Unease and a hint of unexplained embarrassment warmed Susannah’s tummy, and she tried to think of what she could say to cover over any mistake she might have made. “I mean, I was just wondering. Because I was thinking she always smiles so big at gymnastics that I bet she’ll like it once she gets old enough to do it herself.”

  Mom sighed. “That’s why we take her to her physical therapy. You know that, babe.”

  Susannah frowned. “Yeah, but ...”

  Mom shushed her with a quick, “We’ll talk about this inside,” and Susannah clammed up instinctively. Automatically, still unable to erase the strange shame in her belly.

  Later that afternoon, while Kitty was napping and Susannah was helping mix some chocolate chip cookie batter, Mom said, “Now about your question earlier.”

  Susannah’s cheeks heated. She could tell her curiosity had somehow hurt Mom’s feelings. She stared into the bowl.

  Stir, mix, stir.

  “There’s something you need to know about Kitty.” Mom was using the same reverent tone she used when she talked about God or Jesus or the Bible or Daddy up in heaven.

  Stir, mix, mix.

  “Kitty’s a really special girl.”

  Suddenly excited that she could now relate to this somewhat strange conversation, Susannah piped up, “I know. She’s the happiest little angel in the world. Isn’t that what you said Daddy use to call her? His little angel?”

  Mom gave a smile, but it was full of sadness. Susannah could feel the heaviness from it soak into her own body.

  Mix, stir, mix.

  “That’s right. That’s what Daddy used to call her. And there’s a good reason for that.”

  “I know that too!” Susannah was proud to have the answers for a change. “He called her his angel because she loves God so much. Like how she smiles so big every time you sing her hymns. Hey, I have an idea. When she wakes up, maybe you can play the piano and we’ll have a singalong.”

  Mom sighed. “Maybe, but right now your sister needs her rest. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”

  There it was. That heaviness again.

  Stir, stir, mix.

  “Kitty’s not as strong as you are. That’s why she takes extra naps each day and why she drinks her special formula instead of having big-girl food like you.”

  Susannah frowned. “I thought she just liked it better.” She glanced up at Mom and then back at the bowl.

  Mix, mix, mix.

  Mom rubbed Susannah’s back. “Kitty’s such a special little angel she’s not going to be able to walk or go to gymnastics or eat cookies like you do.”

  “Well, I know that. I’m just talking about later once she gets bigger and can do those things then. Won’t it be fun?”

  Mom let out a little cough. What had Susannah said wrong?

  Mom was still rubbing her back as if she could erase the stains of Susannah’s misspoken words. “Your sister isn’t ever going to be big enough. She’s always going to need someone to help her. She’s always going to need someone to take care of her.”

  Susannah felt the heaviness surrounding her, not the heaviness of Mom’s words but of her entire being. Her mom was tired. For the first time in her life, Susannah realized that.

  Mom isn’t as strong as she looks.

  “It’s ok, Mom. When I’m big enough I’ll help you take care of Kitty.”

  She thought she was doing the right thing. Her promise was supposed to make Mom proud, but instead she turned and walked slowly out of the kitchen. Mom went into the bedroom, but even shutting the door and running the shower water wasn’t enough to muffle the sound of her stifled sobs.

  CHAPTER 14

  Scott did his best to engage in the conversation around Carl and Sandy’s table, but his mind kept snapping back to Susannah, reminding him of the magnetic pull of a compass momentarily shaken off balance. Like the victim of some animistic curse, he was destined to relive that last phone call of theirs with perfect clarity.

  “We can never be together.” Five words. So final. Spoken with such tenderness, a tenderness that made the truth of her statement even harder to endure.

  Never be together ...

  He tried to change her mind. “Don’t say that. Give yourself time to grieve. Let me walk through the mourning with you.”

  “I can’t,” she whispered, as if her soul was terrified of him, afraid of the attraction they’d felt for one another from so early on in their relationship. What was she scared of? Did she think he possessed the ability to hurt her?

  “This is about Kitty, isn’t it?” He tried not to sound angry. Whenever he replayed the conversation, he chided himself for letting his passion get in the way of his clear thinking. Rational. He should have been rational.

  “I made my mom a promise.”

  This wasn’t happening. After ten years serving God overseas, he’d finally found a woman he wanted to call his wife. Finally found a woman who wasn’t just willing but excited to travel the world with him, sharin
g the gospel, advancing the kingdom of God. They’d taken things slowly. At least it felt slow to him. They’d prayed. Scott had humbled himself before Pastor Carl to ask for his advice, and Susannah had kept her mom filled in about their relationship from its earliest stages. It wasn’t like they were sneaking around behind anyone’s back or acting shamefully.

  All they wanted to do was serve the Lord together. How could God ask them to give that up?

  “She needs me.” Susannah’s voice was heavy with both sadness and conviction. She was such a demure, quiet-natured soul, but there were two things always guaranteed to stir up her passion — her zeal for world missions and her devotion to her sister.

  Scott had heard so much about Kitty it was like he had already met her. Knew her smile. Understood the basic signs she used to communicate. Could probably talk with a doctor or nurse and fill them in on the basics of Kitty’s medical history, from her preterm delivery when Susannah was only a toddler to the medical tests that eventually led to the diagnosis.

  Scott had only known one other person with cerebral palsy. In sixth grade, one of his electives was as a volunteer buddy for another student. Zack had been in a wheelchair for his entire life, had been nonverbal that whole time too, but he loved to laugh and listen to people talk about sports. For an entire semester, Scott’s job was to spend forty-five minutes every day after lunch playing in the gym with Zack, placing the ball in his rigid hands and then shooting it toward the basket, congratulating him every time the ball came close to the rim.

  He’d actually thought about Zack quite a bit last fall when he was still planning to visit Susannah and meet her family. He wanted to make sure he included Kitty in his discussions — it was a pet peeve of Susannah’s when people ignored her sister or talked about her as if she weren’t there — but he also didn’t want to overdo it, make it look like he was trying too hard.

  Turned out he didn’t need to worry about any of that since Susannah was purging him out of her life. “I told my mom that whenever she died, I’d take care of Kitty.”

  “Let me move out there. We’ll take care of her together.” What else could he say? Even as he pleaded with her on the phone, he held the tiny ring in his hand, the ring he expected to give her when he flew out to Washington.

  “I would never ask you to do that.” Her voice was a mixture of shock and pain, as if he’d slapped her and then laughed in her face.

  “You don’t have to ask. I’m volunteering.” Even as he said the words, he was trying to figure out how feasible it would be for him to continue working for Kingdom Builders from Washington. Just about every aspect of his job could theoretically be done remotely. The three-hour time difference would be the biggest complication, but Scott would rather learn to forgo sleep altogether than rip Susannah out of his heart.

  “God’s called you to the mission field,” she reminded him. “And I can’t go there with you.”

  “We’ll make it work.” Did she have any idea that he’d already bought her an engagement ring? Did she know that all the traveling in the world couldn’t compare to life with her?

  “I don’t want to be a stumbling block to you. I don’t want to keep you from your calling.”

  “But what about your calling?” He heard the intensity in his voice and tried to soften it. “What about your heart for mission work?”

  Her voice was steady and resolute. “It’s a matter of priorities. If someone does not provide for his own family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

  “You don’t have to quote Scripture to me.” Now he really was angry. Not at her, but at the situation. At her mom for dying. At God for bringing them together just to split them apart. At himself for not having found a way to make it to Washington sooner.

  “I’m sorry, Scott.” The words were so soft, he could hardly hear them.

  “Please don’t do this.” He hated to sound so whiney. Like a little toddler throwing a fit because he didn’t get his way. “Please. You don’t understand how much I need you. I know you’re trying to protect your heart here, and I respect that. I really do. But I love you. You don’t have to say it back to me. You don’t have to do anything except listen. But I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

  He glanced at the ring that looked so delicate between his thumb and finger.

  “A few weeks ago, I went out and bought you a ...” He stopped himself. Should he tell her? Would it just make matters worse? The words fell off his lips, carried on by inertia and no actual force of their own. “I bought you a ring.”

  She didn’t reply. He wondered if she understood the gravity of what he’d just spoken.

  “I want you to be my wife.”

  Silence. He checked his cell to make sure he hadn’t gotten disconnected.

  “Do you need more time to think?” he finally asked.

  Still no response.

  He sighed. “Just pray about it, and you can give me your answer later, all right? I know your sister needs you, and I would never ask you to turn your back on her. But I’m certain that God’s brought us together. The more I pray about it, the more convinced I am. We’ll find a way to make it work. I know we will. Just please pray about it.”

  “Ok,” she promised. “I will.”

  It was the last time he heard her voice.

  CHAPTER 15

  Susannah fidgeted with the strap of her purse. She had to get home. Kitty was supposed to eat her lunch at noon sharp. Any later, and she wouldn’t tolerate her three o’clock snack.

  It was nice of Derek to watch Kitty Sunday mornings, but Susannah couldn’t depend indefinitely on her stepdad’s generosity. Derek had only been part of the family for a few months. He loved Kitty, but he wasn’t invested like Susannah was. For Derek, Kitty was part of the package if he wanted to marry her mom. For Susannah, her sister was now her calling, her ministry. Susannah’s mission field, which she had at one point imagined to be the entire world, was now confined to a ten-by-fifteen bedroom.

  The only thing I don’t understand, God, is why you gave me all those desires to become a missionary if you weren’t ever going to open those doors for me.

  It wasn’t like the church was overrun by young men and women begging to be sent out to the mission field. When Susannah was so willing, why would God bar the way?

  Please forgive me for my lack of faith. Help me to focus on all the good things you’ve done in my life, all the ways you’ve provided for me.

  Her mom’s small life insurance plus Kitty’s regular disability payments were enough so Susannah could keep up the mortgage payments on her mom’s home. Susannah quit her job at Winter Grove and committed herself to caring for Kitty full-time. Her stepdad stopped by for a few hours Sunday mornings so she could go to church, and he dropped off groceries once or twice a week, but when you’ve only been married for a few months before your wife dies, how long can you be expected to stay involved in the life of her disabled adult daughter?

  Derek was a nice guy. Susannah had no complaints about him, but she knew that he wouldn’t stick around forever. He was healthy, good-looking, stable, and eventually he would move on with his life. She couldn’t begrudge him that. But she couldn’t count on him forever either. For all practical purposes, it was just her and her sister.

  It had been hard to break up with Scott, or whatever you want to call what she did when she wrote him that last email. She knew she’d hurt him, but what other choice was there? Scott would have given up anything for her. She realized that as soon as he mentioned moving to Washington. She wouldn’t be responsible for making him drop out of his missionary work. She wouldn’t put that kind of obstacle in his way.

  When he told her about the ring, said that he was ready to propose to her, she’d faltered, but only for a second. The instant that truck plowed into her mom’s car, any future Susannah and Scott may have tried to make for themselves became an impossibility.

  An impossibility because Susannah could never lea
ve her sister’s side. She felt guilty enough for taking two hours off every Sunday so she could go to church. She could never leave the country or travel around the world.

  She could never leave Orchard Grove.

  Any scenario that Scott might suggest — and he dreamed up quite a few before she said goodbye — would have been just as unattainable. What if they got together, what if they were married? Would Scott keep his job and travel the world while Susannah stayed home with Kitty? What kind of wife could she be to him?

  And even worse — what if he gave up his mission work? What if he decided to move to Orchard Grove, settle down, and play house with Susannah and Kitty? Then Susannah would be guilty before God for keeping a capable, willing missionary from his calling.

  She couldn’t.

  She wouldn’t.

  God, I sacrificed him to you, and I’m trying hard to remember that you are enough for me. But I miss him so much. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is so weak. Please send me a little bit of encouragement today.

  She glanced up at Grandma Lucy, and their eyes met. An electric jolt zapped Susannah’s heart.

  “What God has opened, no man will shut.” Grandma Lucy didn’t take her eyes off Susannah. “What God has ordained, no plans will thwart. ‘Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?’ says the LORD. ‘Do I close up the womb when I bring to delivery?’ says your God.”

  Power tugged at Susannah’s spirit. Heaviness and warmth wrapped around her shoulders like a mantle. Conviction rose in her soul even as Grandma Lucy’s voice increased in intensity.

  “He is the God who finishes what he begins. He is the God who brings it to completion. He doesn’t carry you to the moment of destiny and desert you there. He doesn’t place a calling on your life and fail to bring it to pass. He will never abandon you or forsake you. Just like for the Israelites, it will be said of you that not one of all the LORD’s good promises failed. Each and every one came to pass.”

  The words were like a tailwind that could whisk Susannah up and carry her away, straight off to paradise if she could hold onto them long enough. The warmth surrounding her turned into burning heat, the initial quickening in her spirit giving way to the undeniable presence of her glorious Savior. Wrapped in his grace, surrounded on all sides by his glory, her soul sang his praises even as her ears echoed with Grandma Lucy’s declaration from Scripture: Not one of all the LORD’s good promises failed. Each and every one came to pass.