What Dreams May Come

by Alana Terry

  Yours always,

  Susannah

  CHAPTER 37

  Susannah was gathering the supplies she needed for Kitty’s sponge bath when the doorbell rang. Who would be stopping by here in the middle of the week?

  She made sure her sister was comfortably propped up with her pillows and then trudged to the front door. She had no idea why she was moving so slowly. Usually, the holidays made her feel renewed and energized, but this year she only felt exhausted.

  She peered into the peephole, surprised to see who it was, and opened the door.

  “Hi.” She knew she must be desperate for company if the sight of Ricky Fields could bring such a rush of warm relief. “Would you like to step in?”

  He cleared his throat and kept his eyes on Susannah’s feet. “I can’t stay long.” He held out a tray of colorful Christmas cookies like a protective shield. “My mom made these for you. Said I should drop them off. Said she remembered how much your mom liked baking and worried that maybe you and your sister didn’t have anything nice for Christmas.”

  In all the time she’d known Ricky Fields, which had been her entire life, she wasn’t sure she’d ever heard so many words come out of his mouth at once. He looked both exhausted and flushed from the effort.

  “That’s really sweet.” She took the tray, which he seemed somewhat reluctant to hand over. “Why don’t you come in and say hi to Kitty?” He cleared his throat again. Susannah wanted to cough on his behalf.

  “I can, but only for a minute. Mom’s in the car waiting.” He offered a sheepish grin.

  “That’s fine,” Susannah said. “She’s been pretty tired this week anyway.”

  “Yeah,” Ricky answered, “I know what you mean.”

  Susannah had no idea what he was talking about, but she waved quickly to Mrs. Fields, who was parked in the driveway, and stepped aside to let Ricky through. She glanced around the living room, thankful to find it free from random socks or bras or other embarrassing clutter.

  After asking Ricky to wash his hands to keep from spreading any germs, she led him down the hall. Thinking about how excited her sister would be, she stopped outside Kitty’s door and whispered, “You wait here. I want it to be a surprise.”

  Ricky grinned conspiratorially.

  Susannah hurried into her sister’s room and covered Kitty’s lap and legs with a heavy quilt, the result of an overzealous sense of modesty inherited from her mother. “There’s someone here to see you,” she told her sister. “Want to guess who it is?”

  Kitty grunted and slapped her thigh. Her eyes widened gleefully, and for a second, Susannah was paralyzed with fear. What if Kitty thought it was their mom? How could Susannah explain away that kind of disappointment?

  She forced a smile on her face. “Here’s a hint. He looks very, very handsome.”

  Susannah had forgotten that Ricky was right outside the door and could hear every word she said. Her remark was met with a hiccup from the hall and a loud snort from the bed.

  Kitty slapped her thigh once more.

  Susannah put on a melodramatic frown. “Then again, you’ve been pretty tired. I guess I should tell him you’re napping. A girl needs her beauty sleep, right?”

  Two slaps.

  Susannah shrugged. “If you’re sure. I guess I can let him in for a minute, but you better behave yourself or you’ll be in big trouble, got that?” Even while she tried to sound firm, she couldn’t keep the grin off her face. She peered into the hallway and beckoned a somewhat sheepish-looking Ricky inside.

  Kitty tensed up every working muscle in her body.

  “I think she’s happy to see you.” Susannah smiled.

  Ricky stepped up to the bedside, no longer hiccupping. “Hi, Kitty. How’s it going?”

  Susannah was about to answer for her out of habit but then stepped back against the wall and waited.

  “That’s a pretty nightgown,” Ricky told her. “Is it one of the ones your mom made for you?”

  Kitty blinked, and Susannah automatically translated, “Yes.”

  “I like it.” Ricky paused for a minute, and as she stared at his back Susannah realized his shoulders had broadened out quite a bit since the night of the homeschool prom. He shoved his hands into his pockets. “Well, I gave your sister some Christmas cookies. My mom made them special for you two. She wanted you to have them. I’ve got to go now, but if it’s all right with you and your sister, maybe I’ll come say hi again. Would that be ok?”

  A kick, two blinks, and a smile so big there was no need for interpretation.

  Ricky finished saying goodbye, and Susannah followed him down the hall. “That was really sweet of you. Let me grab my boots and I’ll say thanks to your mom.”

  “You don’t have to do that,” Ricky insisted. “I mean, the walkway’s really icy. I wouldn’t want you to slip.”

  Susannah hadn’t left the house since she’d gone to church last Sunday. She’d had no reason to worry about the condition of her walkway.

  “You got any salt?” Ricky asked. “Or maybe some gravel? I could sand it down for you real quick before I leave.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it later.”

  “You sure? It’s no problem if you just tell me where everything is.”

  “No,” Susannah insisted, embarrassed to admit she had no idea where to start looking for anything like that. “I need an excuse to get some fresh air anyway. Tell your mom thanks, and I’m glad you came in to say hi to Kitty. She’ll be talking about your visit for weeks.”

  Ricky gave her a quizzical glance and then a shrug. “All right. Have a good night.”

  “Yeah, you too.” Susannah realized she didn’t want him to leave. She was about to tell him there might be some ice melt in the garage, but he was already out the door and down the walkway.

  “Merry Christmas,” she called out after him, but her words died in the cold air, and he didn’t turn around.

  CHAPTER 38

  June 21

  Dear Scott,

  I had a really good talk with Mom today! She and Derek had just gotten home from a breakfast date, and she looked dazzling. She wasn’t dressed fancy or anything, and her only jewelry is her wedding ring, but she was stunning. I think — no, I know — that the beauty comes from being loved by her new husband so much.

  I’m so glad they found each other. I didn’t think Mom would ever get remarried, and maybe it would have been harder when I was younger if she had. I can see myself getting jealous or feeling threatened, but Derek’s a kind and godly man, and he has a great sense of humor. He’s perfect for Mom. She’s laughed more since she met him than I think she has in the past fifteen years!

  And that’s a really cute story too. Did I ever tell it to you? He moved to Orchard Grove a couple years ago, but he goes to the different church on the other side of town, mostly because he’s a welder and wakes up crazy early during the week, so Sundays he likes to sleep in and go to the afternoon service at Valley Tabernacle. Last summer, the two churches did a joint VBS program, which makes it a little hard to organize since both congregations are involved. So Derek signed up to help with recreation, and Mom always does snacks for everyone, and for some reason they were both expecting to use the same part of the fellowship hall downstairs, him for games and her for feeding the kids. I guess the first day they met they nearly got into a fight over it until he apologized and then was extra nice trying to make it up to her. It hasn’t even been quite a year since their first date, but they’re perfect for each other.

  I’m so glad my mom’s found someone that makes her happy. And I’m glad she’s comfortable with the two of us talking as much as we do. Sometimes she worries that I’m not getting enough sleep, but she says she’s thankful for the times you’ve called her just so she feels like you’re not a stranger. Speaking of phone calls, I miss talking to you! I know you’re really busy over there, and I pray for you and the interns every time I think of you (which is quite a bit). I hope those Bible verses I
copied down are encouraging to you when you feel tired or homesick.

  Don’t forget that you have a friend out here in Orchard Grove praying for your safe return.

  Love,

  Susannah

  CHAPTER 39

  Kitty had been so excited about her visit from Ricky (aka Prince Charming) that it was after 9:30 by the time she finally fell asleep.

  Susannah was behind on just about everything — the laundry, the dishes, the grocery list she was supposed to pass on to Derek.

  She staggered her way into the kitchen, groaning inwardly at the sight of all the dirty plates and bowls. When was the last time she’d cleaned up after herself?

  She still didn’t understand how her mom had managed to cook three nutritious meals a day and still keep up on all of Kitty’s care and the other chores around the house. Just making herself a simple pot of soup could throw off Susannah’s schedule for a week.

  Well, Lord, I never claimed to be perfect. I guess this is just one area where you’ll have to keep on teaching me how to improve and until then, help me show myself some grace.

  She stared at the huge platter of cookies Ricky had dropped off and wondered if his mom remembered that Kitty couldn’t handle any foods besides her formula. Oh, well. It looked festive, and she could share some with Derek tomorrow when he dropped off the next batch of groceries.

  She took out a pecan shortbread cookie and nibbled around the buttery edges. Once she got the dishes clean, she’d treat herself to another. Her enthusiasm lasted about two seconds. It could take hours just to catch up on the kitchen, and she’d still be behind on every other part of the house.

  God, I’m sorry I didn’t help Mom out more when she was alive. I’m sorry I took her for granted all those years.

  She left the light on over the sink — an optimistic symbol of her plans to return to cleaning — and made her way to her computer. She’d been so busy she hadn’t checked her email in a week or more.

  Not that she expected to hear from anybody in particular.

  She waited for the desktop to start up. It was an old hand-me-down from Derek and took ten minutes just to load. Still, it was better than nothing. Her mom had been fairly suspicious of the internet, so Susannah had never gotten involved in social media or online shopping or anything like that. Right now, all she wanted was a reason to procrastinate. An excuse to forget about the dirty kitchen, the endless pile of dishes, those countless other chores she hadn’t done today and might not get to tomorrow either.

  When her inbox finally loaded, it told her what she already knew. No messages.

  It was her own fault. She’d been clear in her last email to Scott that she didn’t think they should communicate any more.

  At all.

  Still, sometimes she wondered how she’d react to finding a note from him. Something like Hi, how are you doing, merry Christmas, do you still want to marry me?

  She shook her head. Her mom had spent sixteen years as a single parent before she met Derek, and she never complained. Never pined away for some stranger on the other side of the country.

  God, I know I worry as much as my mother, but I wish you would have let me inherit some of her positive qualities too, like her patience.

  The nights were the hardest, with Kitty already asleep and Susannah too restless to go to bed but too exhausted to tackle the chores that kept piling higher and higher. Cold winter nights, seemingly endless.

  She could email him. It wouldn’t take more than two or three minutes. Hi Scott, it’s me. Just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas. I hope you’re doing well.

  What could it hurt?

  She opened up a new message but stopped herself before her fingers even found their place on the keyboard. No. Resuming their relationship, no matter how casually it started out, would only make it that much harder for them both to move on. And that’s what Susannah needed to do. Move on.

  Instead of writing him, she sent a quick email to Ricky and his mom thanking them both for the Christmas cookies. Nobody else from church had thought to do anything like that. The way some people treated her now, it was as if her mom had never existed. Never served on the hospitality committee at Orchard Grove for decades, never organized all those meal trains for new mothers or church members recovering from surgeries.

  Maybe it was easier for the women of Orchard Grove to ignore the past, but Susannah never could. Her mom had done so much for others, and now she was purged from memory when she’d only been dead four months.

  I’m sorry for grumbling, Lord. Please forgive me.

  After expressing her gratitude to the Fields, she made her way back to the kitchen. She’d given up trying to convince herself to get anything clean before tomorrow. Now she just had to turn off the lights, lock herself in, and call it a night. As she reached for the light switch near the sink, a Ziploc bag behind the microwave caught her attention.

  She sighed. All that work and she’d completely forgotten about the starter mix she made earlier in the week. Cringing slightly at what she knew was coming, she opened the bag. She didn’t even have to get her nose close to know it was rancid. Using significantly more force than necessary, she heaved it in the direction of the trash can and missed. Moldy starter landed on the floor, the cupboard, and the fridge.

  She sank to her knees, too tired to even grab a rag. She used the old Ziploc to smear up as much of the mess as she could and made her way to bed. She’d clean up the rest tomorrow.

  By the time she reached her room, tears of loneliness and frustration and hot, inexplicable anger poured down her cheeks and splashed onto the cluttered floor beneath her.

  CHAPTER 40

  July 9

  Dear Scott,

  I’m so glad you’re back home! I know we’re still thousands of miles apart, but it’s so comforting to know that you have internet access now and that I can email you any time I want without having to wonder how long it will take for you to read it. And actually hearing your voice again! I can’t believe how late we stayed up last night, but there was so much catching up to do!

  I loved your story about the missionary in Mongolia who had to butcher a sheep in his bathtub. It was hilarious. I told Mom and Derek. She though it was gross, but he laughed his head off. Then he talked about how when he was a young man, he’d thought about doing mission work too. It was neat because I didn’t know that about him before. Mom said she could see the two of them doing short-term trips at some point, and it just got me thinking. God can use people at any age. I’ve been so impatient to get to the mission field now, but I have a whole lifetime ahead of me! So what if I have to wait another few years? If God has plans for me to spend my life overseas serving him, it’s going to happen no matter how long it takes me to get there!

  That’s helping me be patient about finding the right time for you to visit, too. Mom says the beginning part of August will work out well over here. We can talk about that next time you call. In the meantime, I know God’s using everything — our relationship, Kitty’s health, even Mom and Derek’s marriage — to teach me to wait on him and on his perfect timing.

  Thank you for being patient with me. I appreciate you more than I know how to put into words.

  Always yours,

  Susannah

  CHAPTER 41

  Susannah was halfway through helping Kitty with dinner when the doorbell rang.

  “That’s Derek with the groceries,” Susannah told her sister. “I’ll be right back.”

  Blink.

  She smoothed out her hair as she made her way down the hall and opened the door. “Hey.”

  “Howdy, howdy.”

  She tried to match her stepdad’s playful grin but got the feeling she failed pathetically.

  “How you doing today? You ready for an early Christmas present?” Derek stepped past her and set the bags of groceries on the dining room table where Kitty was sitting in her chair. “Hi, pretty lady.” He tousled the top of Kitty’s head. “What’s for dinner tonight?
Delectable vanilla or scrumptious strawberry?”

  Kitty let out am amused snort.

  “Thanks for the groceries,” Susannah told him. “What do I owe you?”

  Derek ignored the question and picked up Kitty’s bottle of formula. “This all you’ve eaten for dinner so far?” he asked her playfully. “Come on. I know you can do better than that.”

  “We got a later start than normal,” Susannah tried to explain, but he cut her off.

  “Enough of that now. You bundle up and grab your boots. It’s a little icy, but not too bad. Remind me before I go tonight and I’ll salt the walkway for you.” He lowered himself into the chair where Susannah usually fed her sister.

  “Are you staying for dinner?” she asked, wondering what she could possibly offer him. She’d finished off the last of the bean soup at lunchtime and hadn’t thought about what to make next. She’d probably grab a bowl of cereal for dinner and make herself a pot of something more nutritious tomorrow.

  Or the next day.

  “I’m staying,” he answered, “but you’re going.”

  “What?”

  Derek kept his back to her and uncapped the bottle of formula. “This is it. Your early Christmas present. Oh, I almost forgot.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out some crisp twenty-dollar bills. “Go out. Take yourself shopping. Get one of those mandy-paddies or whatever you girls call those things. I don’t care. Just come back here with a story of how you spoiled yourself, all right? Tonight’s all on me.”

  Susannah stared at the money he shoved into her hand. “You really didn’t have to ...”

  Derek’s smile was ill-suited for the brusque tone he was trying to adopt. “I don’t want to hear another word out of you until you’ve come back and are ready to share all the ways you wasted my money on yourself, got that? And I better not catch you home before —” he gave his watch an exaggerated frown “— nine o’clock. Nine o’clock with none of the money left and at least two or three good stories of how you pampered yourself.”