Space Hippie

by Tammy Hobbs

  Petrol enters the trench, headed toward the crystal core. The Luv Shuttle swooshes in to follow him, sweeping some trash in with it.

  As they accelerate, Space Hippie shouts over the rumbling and crackling of the splitting planet. "What's he want with the crystal?!"

  Chillz hangs on to the aging vinyl seat ahead of him. "Unlimited respawns. Duh!"

  They've got Petrol in their sights. Rainbow yells, "Fire!" and Chills pushes the button... And nothing happens. He keeps banging on the button pointlessly. Starr calmly takes the controller away from him. "It must have busted the phasers when we ran over that woman," she theorizes.

  Herb's slapping the dash in frustration as the Shuttle skirts around rivers of lava. Petrol's edging away from them. Trash falls into the lava and bursts into flames. Chillz, entranced, watches for a second, and then gets that eureka look. "Wait! I got an idea! Herb, back to the surface- where he can't see us. Gimme the flamethrower! Quick!"

  "That didn't work last time!" Starr protests.

  "I made a couple of adjustments. And there's plenty of oxygen this time. It'll work!"

  Rainbow nods, and Herb does a u-turn, taking the bus back to the surface to hover.

  But they're in danger. The planet is falling apart around them. The whole planet is going hay-wire, shaking and crumbling. Tornadoes are forming all over the place.

  Trash is flying everywhere. Objects are floating this way and that as the gravity field is disrupted.

  Steam and smoke belch out of the trench.

  The planet is cracked more than half way through now. As the two halves continue to separate, they begin to float away from each other, giving birth to the crystal, which is floating free in the middle.

  Petrol zooms up to it and engulfs it. He heads back up toward the surface...

  Wind shakes the bus hard. Trash hits the windows.

  Starr's freaking out. "Oh my God! He destroyed it! He destroyed the whole fracking planet!"

  Chillz is equally disturbed. "That bas-"

  Rainbow shakes him, "No time to panic! Get ready to use that thing!"

  Chillz nods, then leans out the window, holding the flamethrower. A dirty baby diaper blows onto his face, and he shakes it off.

  "Gag!" he sputters.

  "Focus!" Rainbow growls.

  As he raises his weapon, a tornado approaches...

  "Guys?" Space Hippie says timidly.

  "Not now, watch for him!" Rainbow blows her off impatiently.

  It edges closer...

  Space Hippie starts poking people. But they're all busy.

  "Guys?!!"

  "Shhh! Concentrate!" Chillz jerks irritably away from her.

  The tornado hits the bus just as Petrol exits the trench clutching the brightly glowing crystal.

  Chillz pulls the trigger. The flames go flying. They hit Petrol and a bunch of trash. Petrol and the trash burn and swirl in the tornado, turning the wind black.

  He burns up entirely.

  The smoke seeps into the Luv Shuttle, making everyone squint and cough as they're holding on for dear life.

  The tornado flings them out into the sky.

  Up, up they go. As Herb struggles to get control of the vehicle, they see the tornado spit out the crystal.

  "The crystal!" Rainbow bellows. "Maybe we can-"

  Another tornado comes along. It drives a straw into the crystal. The straw splits the crystal in two, and then the crystal turns to dust and blows away.

  The hippies collapse into their seats.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Shortcut

  LUV SHUTTLE - OUTER SPACE

  The Luv Shuttle is once again covered in soot, inside and out. The gang is back to work cleaning it with slime and rags.

  Starr sighs. "This is gonna take forever again," she pouts.

  Space Hippie smiles confidently. "Not..." she scrunches up her face in concentration, "this time!"

  There's a whooshing sound, then squelching as their small mound of slime expands. It quickly grows and bubbles, until-

  Splat!

  It explodes all over them, covering everything inside the bus.

  Chillz wipes the slime from his eyes. "Thanks," he says sarcastically.

  Starr giggles, then everyone else joins in.

  Herb nonchalantly wipes the slime off the windshield and keeps driving. "Hey, man. We gotta stop for fuel again. Der bleep der blop der bloop."

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Wanted

  PLANET CONUNDRUM

  Night. Lightning-bug-like aliens hover and flash in a complicated aerial chorus.

  The Luv Shuttle's rear tires are very slowly sinking into a nearby mucky swamp. Nearby are miniature plants and itty-bitty dinosaur-like creatures.

  The hippies, chased by a yipping purple T-rex the size of a chihuahua, are piling back into the bus and cracking up laughing. They're each carrying two full gallons of water.

  As the Luv Shuttle rises into the air, the T-rex jumps up and bites the rear fender. It hangs on for a couple of seconds, then falls to the mud and romps away, unhurt.

  It leaves slobber dripping off the rear fender.

  LUV SHUTTLE - OUTER SPACE

  Herb's asleep at the wheel.

  An alien newscast plays on Rainbow's holographic computer screen. It's dubbed over in English.

  Starr and Space Hippie sit beside each other playing guitars. Chillz is kicking around his hackie sack.

  Nobody's paying much attention to the alien anchorman's translator's words:

  "...wanted in connection with the destruction of Spendopolis's rare Containment Crystal, as well as..."

  The hackie sack hits Starr in the head. "Hey!"

  Chillz says, "Oops. Sorry." But he smirks.

  "No you're not!" She launches herself at him and wrestles him to the floor.

  The broadcast in the background continues:

  "...there were thought to be only three such crystals in the Universe, and..."

  "Guys!" Space Hippie tries to get their attention.

  Starr has Chillz in a headlock. "Say Uncle!"

  "...massive casualties on both planets. The perpetrators..."

  "Guys!" Space Hippie's pointing at the screen. "That's us!"

  She tries to pry Starr off Chillz and motions toward the newscast.

  "...four humans from the hit music group 'Hippies from Space' which..."

  "OW! Quit it!"

  The screen flashes a security camera photo of Chillz, Starr, Rainbow, and Space Hippie getting into the Luv Shuttle on Spendopolis.

  "...may be traveling in an Earth vehicle with their accomplice..."

  The screen shows a closeup of Space Hippie.

  Starr and Chillz are rolling around on the floor in a struggle.

  Space Hippie's waving her arms frantically. "Shh! Shhhh!"

  Desperately, Space Hippie tugs at Rainbow, who looks up at the screen-

  "Hey!" Rainbow roars. She throws a bean bag at them.

  Chillz freezes. "Wha...?"

  Rainbow and Space Hippie both point sternly at the screen.

  Starr and Chillz finally cool it and realize what's going on. Everyone strains to hear until Rainbow turns up the volume.

  "...offering a 20 billion Zircon reward for their capture. Be advised that the suspects are armed and extremely dangerous. In other news, the Stubits and Erbits have again cancelled their treaty..."

  Rainbow shuts it off. They sit in stunned silence for a few seconds.

  "Everybody thinks we did it?" asks Space Hippie, disbelieving.

  Starr lets go of Chillz. He moves away from her, punches a beanbag, and falls face first into it. "Well, there goes our last chance of getting any help from anybody."

  Starr balls up into her thinking pose. "I wonder who's offering the reward?"

  The sensors in the front begin to beep. Herb wakes up, peers out the window and grins. "Hey, man. Fans or something. I think they want
our autographs."

  He starts to slow down.

  Everyone else yells, "No!"

  They throw themselves at him. Chillz is the first one there. Making a spectacular leap, he lands across the floor and jams his hands against the accelerator.

  The bus lurches forward. Everyone falls over.

  "Uncool! Exclamation point!" exclaims Herb. "You could have just told me you wanted to drive, man."

  OUTSIDE, a pirate spaceship, complete with skull and crossbones painted on the side, chases the Luv Shuttle. It edges a little closer.

  INSIDE the Luv Shuttle, Chillz is moving into the driver's seat. "You think they know about the reward?" he asks the group.

  OUTSIDE, a phaser blast from the pirate ship clips off the passenger side mirror.

  INSIDE again, Herb is struggling to stand up. "Did I miss something?"

  "Evade!" Rainbow shouts.

  "Right!" Chillz replies.

  OUTSIDE, the Luv Shuttle juts this way and that, but the pirate ship shoots, getting closer with every second.

  INSIDE, another sensor starts to beep.

  Chillz shakes the steering wheel. "Not now!"

  "What?" Space Hippie asks, but she already suspects...

  "Two more!" answers Starr. Everybody groans.

  It beeps faster.

  "Wait! Make that three!" Everybody groans louder.

  Starr works quickly at her keyboard. "Looks like..."

  "Cops!" Rainbow finishes.

  Chillz stomps on the floorboard with his free foot and wails, "Oh, sure! Now that we don't want 'em, they come out of the woodwork!"

  OUTSIDE, the police cruisers and the pirate ship begin to converge on the Luv Shuttle, then...

  INSIDE, Rainbow asks, "What the beck?" as...

  OUTSIDE, the police cruisers attack and destroy the pirate ship.

  INSIDE...

  Stunned faces.

  Space Hippie chews on her bottom lip, thinking. "Maybe... They haven't heard about the reward?"

  They all look out the windows. The cruisers are at a dead stop behind them.

  The hippies all cheer.

  "Yes!" Chillz punches the air.

  Until...

  "Wait," interrupts Space Hippie. "What's that?"

  A high-pitched sound starts low and grows louder, like a jet engine warming up.

  The hippie exchange confused glances.

  Crack!

  The bus shakes and a bright blue flashing light surrounds everything inside.

  The three police cruisers have the Luv Shuttle caught in a flashing blue light beam.

  Everyone inside the Luv Shuttle is paralyzed, frozen in mid-action.

  OUTSIDE, the police cruisers drag the bus to a nearby planet.

  INSIDE, the Petrol-sensing siren begins to go off. The hippies are all paralyzed, so they can't shut it off.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Pasta Lovers

  PLANET HARMONY

  The cruisers fly low over the lush planet, dragging the Luv Shuttle behind them.

  Perfectly landscaped eco-villages sprawl below them. They're small communities of underground homes covered by garden roofs and solar panels.

  Enormous wind turbines dot the ground at regular intervals. The cruisers swerve in and out to avoid them.

  A dome-shaped cathedral the size of a mountain lies ahead. It is surrounded by sculptures of tomatoes and bell peppers 100 feet tall.

  A big bottle of olive oil, tipped, tops the peak. A river of olive oil flows from this down the side of the cathedral.

  Hundreds of pasta-like aliens in a variety of shapes kneel praying at the banks of the olive oil lake that forms at the bottom.

  The cruisers fly through an open door in a gigantic sculpture of a mushroom mounted on the side of the cathedral.

  The cruisers lower the Luv Shuttle and it slides smoothly to a stop in front of a dozen heavily armed, pasta-like, alien police officers.

  The strobing blue light beam disappears and the hippies fall to the floor. Space Hippie accidentally falls into a petri dish filled with slime and gets it on her clothes.

  Lightning fast, the noodly police remove the hippies from the bus and march them away.

  Herb sniffs hungrily. "Do you smell garlic, man?"

  As they leave, the Petrol alarm continues to screech.

  CATHEDRAL BASEMENT

  The hippies are ushered down some stairs and into a prison cell, with Chillz struggling the whole way.

  "Who puts prison cells in a church basement, anyway?" Starr asks, mildly amused.

  A deep male voice answers her in an Italian accent, "They like to keep the prisoners close to rehabilitate them."

  Chillz looks around jerkily, paranoid. "Who said that?"

  A hippo-sized mound of what looks like spaghetti sits in a nearby cell. It moves.

  Space Hippie shrieks, "Holy pork chops!"

  The other hippies all gasp and stare awkwardly at her.

  Starr whispers, "We never swear by pork."

  "Sorry," Space Hippie whispers back.

  "What's your problem?" asks Chillz, still looking for the source of the male voice.

  Space Hippie points. The pasta pile moves again. They all back up a little.

  It groans. They freeze and stare.

  Space Hippie is the first to relent. She inches forward a little. "Uhm... Hello?"

  "Mamma mia!" the pasta answers, somehow sounding like oregano.

  Space Hippie tries to speak casually. "Are you... Uhm... Okay?"

  "A little mushy," it responds shakily. It lets out a big sigh.

  "Uhm..." says Space Hippie, not sure how to word this, "Who are you?"

  "I am the Hovering Fettucini Entity. You are from Earth, yes? You know my cousin, Spaghetti? He lives around there."

  "Uhm... No. Sorry."

  But Rainbow nods excitedly. "I've heard of him. What are you doing here?"

  "This is a sad, sad story," he tells her, flattening out and hovering toward them as he talks. "I was-a the church. Big Oil beat me up and locked me here. They worship him now."

  Starr looks confused. "You were... At church?"

  "I was-a the church!" He sounds miffed, and the hippies jump in unison. "These crazy people, they worship me. I tell them not to. They don't listen." He wiggles sadly. "They make fun of religion by calling me a god. This is blasphemy! Uffa! I just want to live in peace! Do the joke-people consider my feelings?"

  Chillz is quietly laughing and Starr takes him aside and shoves him on the shoulder. "What are you laughing about?" she whispers fiercely.

  "I just think it's clever," he whispers back. "Creating a religion that makes fun of religion. Genius!"

  She looks disgusted. "It's hypocritical."

  He shrugs his shoulders and whispers, "Free speech, man."

  "It's slander. Poor Fettucini!" she laments.

  Rainbow gives them both a stern look and they fall silent. She slips in some marinara sauce and holds onto Herb for support. "Who are these people who worship you?" she asks Fettucini.

  "These Harmonites. This is Planet Harmony."

  "Oh!" she exclaims.

  "You've heard of it?" Space Hippie asks her.

  She nods. "It used to be like Earth with wars and global warming. About 20,000 years ago they learned to co-exist with each other and their planet. They-"

  Chillz interrupts her by holding up a finger. He addresses the Hovering Fettucini Entity. "Wait. You said Big Oil put you in here?"

  "Si. Yes."

  "Big, greasy, goopy fellow?"

  "Yes. You know-a him?"

  The hippies exchange surprised looks.

  At that moment, three pasta police come to the cell door.

  The tallest one points at Space Hippie and motions for her to follow him.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  Reunion

  ALTAR ROOM

  Petrol stands one hundred feet tall in the center o
f the altar room.

  The ceiling of the room is made of several very large stained glass windows that form the top of the domed cathedral. The windows are open to form a hole in the ceiling and Space Hippie can see the sky. There are depictions of the Hovering Fettucini Entity in the glass.

  On the walls are four oil paintings of the Hovering Fettucini Entity. Underneath each are the words "Deus Mushroomus."

  On one side of Petrol floats Mystery Character, bathed in a flashing blue light coming from three devices underneath him. He is completely motionless. His face is frozen in an expression of surprise.

  On the other side of Petrol, a large pink crystal sits on a pedestal. Except for its color, it's identical to the crystals of Spendopolis and 3-Plus-Kids.

  As the cavatelli cop escorts Space Hippie into the room, the crystal glows brighter. The closer she gets, the brighter it glows.

  The cop stares open-mouthed and adoring at Petrol.

  A dozen other pasta people wearing similar expressions kneel on the floor worshipping Petrol.

  Space Hippie is terrified. She begins to twist her hair.

  Petrol thunders down at her in a voice she can barely recognize as human, "You'vvve grrr-ownnn sssinsse the lassst timmme I sssaw you."

  She gulps. "So have you."

  He laughs a greasy, echoey, gurgly sort of laugh. He squishes himself down into a human size and shape.

  "Betterrr?" he asks.

  She nods slowly. "Dangerously polite," she thinks.

  "I guessss mmmy rrrewarrrd worrked," he remarks. Again, polite. Not even cocky.

  As Space Hippie hesitantly walks closer, the crystal glows brighter.

  "Innnterrresssting," he continues. "Yourrr powerrr hazzz grrr-ownnn." He studies her like he might an insect, analyzing her like one of his experiments.

  She shakes her head. "No. I..."

  He ignores her words. "Perrrhapsss that izzz why the Crysstalll ovvv Attrrr-actionnn doezzz nnnot affffect you. Yesss..."

  "What do you want with me?"

  "To sssee you dead."

  She backs up in surprise. The cop stops her.

  Petrol laughs again, and it echoes around the cathedral like a failed gospel song. His tone changes. It's transparently menacing. "You killlled yourrr mmmotherrr. But I wonnn't lllet you keep herrr fffrrrommm commming back," he seethes. "I sssaw the nnnews. I knnnow you desss-trrroyed mmmy otherrr ssselllvvvezzz, Lllittlllle Onnne."