by Lara Swann
That…might be slightly usual for me…but it’s still frustrating.
And it’s so hard not being able to explain it to anyone.
Sure, most of the people I know are used to me being a little lost in my own world, so it’s not like I get much more than the occasional eye-roll and amused comment about my distraction, but I’m not used to trying to continue the rest of my life as normal - only having this big, secret thing looming in the back of my mind.
I always thought that something like this would be exciting - a secret project to work on, a big story - but…even though it’s absorbing and hard to think about anything else, I’m not sure exciting is quite right. Crazy-adrenaline-rushing might be a better description. Or terrifying. Or really disconcerting.
I manage to pull myself out of that most of the time and make a good attempt at continuing life as normal, but somehow my attention always seems to drift back to what I’m working on. I apologize to Liam about the barbecue afterward, but he doesn’t seem to mind at all. It seemed like the two of them got on just fine anyway, and I’m not too distracted to be thrilled to hear that Liam actually does take my brother up on his invitations.
It’s nice to feel that I’ve encouraged Liam to start getting to know Ashton’s community from outside the cupcake store - and actually, despite everything I’ve got going on, spending time with him and Maya ends up being one of the few things that really does give me a break from the endless cycle of thoughts and inquiries running through my mind. My nieces and nephews too, but I don’t see them quite as often as I see my next door neighbors.
After that initial burst of activity, my suspicions settle on one main possibility: that the infrastructure projects we’ve all agreed to help pay for…for years…might not have existed at all. Instead, the money might have been going somewhere else entirely.
It sounds…almost impossible to me. Too crazy and too appalling to really consider actually being true. But…if there is something going on, that seems the most likely scenario. I still can’t really believe it - in my mind, it’s still just a suspicion - but…that’s not really the point. The idea is to find out, one way or another.
Once all the possibilities and ideas narrow to investigating that specific thing and it becomes obvious that I’ve got a lot of paperwork to trawl through and things to look up before I can even start working out whether there’s any credibility in that idea, my mind manages to settle down a little. The crazy racing thoughts are replaced with a quiet focus, and it stops keeping me up at night quite so much.
I start feeling like myself again, even while I’m spending my nights reading endless old articles on Ashton’s infrastructure and trying to find those key initial reports that prompted each project, and I’m able to think about other things too. It’s still on my mind, but some of the shock and newness of it all fades, until it almost feels like a pet project - a little thing I’m working on in the background. It’s only when I think too much that I get that ground-falling-out-from-under-me feeling. So I try to avoid that.
Instead, I let other people distract me. I help Beth chase after her children while Jake is away on business, watch Katy and Lily so that Mark and Jenny can spend some time together, and take Maya and Liam to visit that fairy pond I told her about the first time she came round to paint with me.
That was a fun trip - you never know how it’s going to go with children when you hype something up for them, but she seemed to find exactly the same magic in the place that I always have - and going back there calmed some of the adrenaline that’s been going through me for the last week or so. I didn’t quite convince her to be quiet enough for the deer to appear, but we heard a few things rustling in the undergrowth when we tried and the light in her eyes…yeah, I think Liam will be taking her back there.
Even he seemed to feel something of the atmosphere of the place - I couldn’t help feeling the way his gaze lingered on me from time to time, heating something in my blood even while I was talking quietly to Maya. That’s one good thing about this investigation - it’s certainly distracted me from that thing with Liam that I’ve been trying to avoid - and somehow, our easy friendship has only grown.
The casual banter between us when we pass each other in the mornings has been a welcome distraction and as Maya, Katy and Lily play together more often, it seems there’s always a flow of people between my house and his.
I think he knows that something is up with me - but that’s the nice thing about what we’ve established between us. He doesn’t pry, just as I haven’t asked him about the dozen things I’m still curious about. We have a comfortable thing going where we don’t intrude on each others’ business - and that kind of mutual respect is nice, especially in this town.
By the time Ashton’s Summer Fair approaches, I’ve even settled into enough of a routine that I’ve stopped freaking out about what I’m investigating enough to be more casual about it - and I’m able to put it to the side when I’m not working on it. Mostly.
It still takes a lot for me to work up the nerve to voice any of it out loud, but as I’m flicking through some of the old editions of Behind The Times, I make myself do it.
“Hey, Anderson…” I say, trying to sound as casual as I can and twisting my mouth in concentration as I look at this particular past edition. The one two weeks after Margaret’s accident - that I never realized contained so little information before.
“Yeah?” He looks up at me from where he’s doing what looks like the paper’s accounts. A good time to pick - he finds that boring as hell, so I’m hoping he’ll be a little more talkative.
“We never did know exactly what happened with Margaret’s accident, did we?”
He blinks, and I’m not surprised at the disorientation on his face.
“Why are you asking about that?”
I shrug. “I was just looking through some old editions and came upon the article you wrote back then, made me think, that’s all. I mean, at the time I guess we were thinking…things would get better. Looking back…it’s pretty sad, I guess. It just made me wonder what actually happened.”
My heart might be pounding slightly erratically in my chest and my palms are sweating, which is stupid, because asking about this can’t be that bad - but I don’t seem able to control that. I think I’m doing a good job anyway though - my voice sounds normal, just mildly curious, a little wistful maybe.
His brow furrows and he shrugs, standing up to come around and look at the old paper in my hands. His gaze takes in the box of them that I retrieved from storage - all from that year - and he frowns.
“What are you doing with all these?” He asks, picking up the paper and flicking to the article to read it for himself.
“Oh, it’s Jackson’s birthday coming up - my nephew - I thought my sister Elizabeth might be interested in a reminder of all the other things that happened the year she was pregnant and oblivious to the world.” I say, the practiced excuse slipping out easily enough. The number of mental excuses I’ve come up with for activities that so far no one has asked about is a little excessive, but it’s made me feel better.
“Though…” I add, glancing back at the paper in his hands, not having to put on the sadness in my voice. “I didn’t think about that one when I came up with the idea…I guess maybe it’s not the best year to look back on after all.”
He looks at me again, the gentle sadness I’ve felt since it happened reflected on his face - only now, it’s a little harder for me to keep it at that. If something really did happen…if it wasn’t an accident…well, I don’t want to think about that. I’ve woken up with my blood boiling more times than I can count in the last week.
“It’s still a lovely idea, Kelsey.” He says, his tone soft. “I’m sure she’ll really appreciate it.”
“Yeah, maybe.” I nod, and he finishes skimming the article.
I don’t even feel bad for the excuse - since before all this happened, I did have that idea. I might even still do it. Maybe.
&nb
sp; “Hm, yeah, I guess you’re right. We never did say much about it.” He sets the paper back down and looks off into the distance for a moment. “I remember talking to Ken at the time, just afterward - not an interview, just a conversation, anything else wouldn’t have been right - and all he wanted was some privacy, a bit of space. That was what was important, giving them both what they needed after a tragedy like that...”
I nod, even as the disappointment sinks in. I wasn’t expecting anything else, but still…
“So you never heard how it happened?”
“I guess not. Not that I can remember, anyway. It wasn’t something that anyone was thinking about at the time - you remember it, surely - all anyone wanted was to give the two of them the support they needed. I just…wish it had worked out better, I guess.”
“Yeah. Me too.” I say, the sigh in my voice very real. I hesitate before pushing on, but it feels like I need more. It’s eating at me too much not to try a little harder. “Isn’t it…a little strange, though, don’t you think? That it was…such a big thing…and we don’t actually know what happened? Do you think anyone knows?”
“Not that strange.” He grunts, almost in appreciation. “It’s good to know this town can respect people’s privacy when it really matters, at least. And why would anyone want to dwell on the specifics, anyway? It was a farm accident, we know that much, it would just be gruesome to want the details.”
The way his expression puckers with distaste as he walks back to his desk makes it clear that I’ve gone as far as I can, and I try not to sigh with frustration. Of course all that makes sense - and makes me feel another stab of guilt for trying to look into it - but it’s also too damn convenient that they wanted privacy. And it makes me feel like an absolute cretin to be suspicious of that completely natural desire.
In some ways, I’m similarly surprised that no one in Ashton tried to find out those details - and if it weren’t that I’m counting on someone around here actually knowing more about what happened, I’d probably share Anderson’s impressed and relieved attitude.
Of course, the one person who would know…is sitting in the Mayor’s house right now, in the room she’s barely left for three years. The temptation to visit her and try to find out for myself, a little more directly, is getting stronger with every piece of non-information I find…but I can’t bring myself to. It’s one thing to try to investigate this on the side, where no one gets hurt, but I’m not sure I can face asking Margaret about what happened and stirring it all up again…especially when I might have gotten this all wrong.
“You’re going to the Summer Fair this weekend, aren’t you?” Anderson asks as he settles back down behind his desk, looking at me through his glasses over the paperwork resting there.
If I’d had any second thoughts about trying to draw the conversation out any more - find a way for him to tell me about how that conversation with the Mayor went or anything else - my courage dies at that. I’m more than a little paranoid about someone noticing my interest in these things at the moment.
I nod. “Yeah, isn’t everyone?”
He grins. “Good point. You going to remember to take that fancy camera of yours, take some good photos for us?”
My smile turns wry, and I try to leave the knot of tension in my stomach with the box of old editions as I stand up and stretch.
“Yeah, sure thing. Anything you want me to focus on?”
“People having a good time. Anything lively. Maybe families, as we usually do, but it’d be great to show how vibrant the town is too. I want to do a piece on how we’re growing and developing, attracting newcomers, while maintaining the community we’ve always been proud of.”
“By newcomers, you really mean Liam and his daughter, right?” I ask, trying to keep a straight face at his idea of the town growing.
“Yes, and Jessie a couple of years ago.” My nose wrinkles at the mention of Tyson’s fiancee, but I think Anderson is too caught up in this to notice. “Really, there are so many more people here than there were twenty years ago. You’re just too young to notice.”
“Uhuh.” I say, unconvinced. I’m not quite sure Ashton could be called up-and-coming the way some people would like it to be. Then again, there are just as many who want it to stay exactly the same. “Okay, got it. Lively events, vibrancy and families having a good time.”
It’s not like taking photos of any of that is a hardship.
I glance back at the box that I think I’m done with looking through for today.
Yeah. Right now, it wouldn’t hurt to remind yourself of all that, either.
Ashton is the last place I would’ve thought could have a sinister undertone to it…but after that incident in the town archives, I haven’t been quite as comfortable in the home town I’ve always loved as I would like.
The more I look into things, the more holes I’m finding, but…somehow, I still think this is all going to turn out to be nothing.
I hope it is. I hope everything is exactly as it has always seemed to be.
But in the meantime…yes, the Summer Fair will be exactly what I need. A reminder of everything good Ashton has ever been.
Chapter Eleven
Kelsey
I adjust the lens, squinting in concentration as the camera focuses, the image becoming crisp, and - got it.
I glance down at the photo of the two face-painted children grinning and darting around their parents, the family of four holding cotton candy and prizes from the hoop stall they’re stood in front of making a picture-perfect display of everything Anderson wanted.
This one might even make the front of the paper.
I smile to myself, satisfied, as I raise the camera again and pan around to something else I’ve just spotted - two teens at the rubber duck stall—
“Heyy, take a photo of us!”
I drop the camera again at the enthusiastic voice, looking up—into the perfectly made up face of Tyson’s new fiancee, my ex standing right next to her while my stomach drops.
I knew I half-recognized that voice. She’s still smiling widely at me and - giving her the benefit of the doubt - I’d guess she doesn’t realize or she’s forgotten that I’m Tyson’s ex. We’ve met before, but she hasn’t been in town very long and I haven’t exactly made the effort to get to know her. Who’d have guessed, right?
Tyson at least has the grace to look awkward, his arm around her waist bringing her a little bit closer as he doesn’t quite look at me. He doesn’t say anything, though, and irritation flickers through me.
“Sorry.” I say, my own smile obviously fake. “I’m taking photos of the Fair for the paper - not offering couples’ shots.”
Her expression flickers and dims, and Tyson frowns at me - whatever momentary embarrassment he might have felt obviously giving way to his own annoyance.
“Hey, don’t talk to Jessie like that - she was just asking. You don’t have to be rude about it, Kels.” He shrugs, almost looking down his nose at me, even as I can feel my own ire rising at that familiar old nickname. He has no damn right to call me that anymore. “What’s the harm in taking a few photos? You’re doing it anyway.”
Now it’s Jessie looking uncomfortable, glancing back at Tyson with confusion on her face as the two of us try to pretend we’re not glaring at each other. Real mature, I know, but fuck this.
“Yeah, oddly enough I have no desire to take photos of you and your new fling, Ty.” I retort, deliberately turning away and starting to raise the camera again, muttering under my breath. “Idiot.”
Fling is probably unfair, since they are engaged and all, but screw that. I have no interest in being fair right now.
“Still hung up on that, Kels? Seriously?” The exaggerated pity in his tone draws my attention back, even as I hate myself for it. “I thought after running away you’d be over it by now, but damn…you need to sort yourself out, Kels. Jealousy is a bad look.”
I raise an eyebrow, infuriated that I’m even letting him get to me, the comment
s stinging more than they should. They’re not true, but the fact that he thinks it—damn it. He doesn’t even matter.
“You’re flattering yourself if you think that’s what this is.” I say, my own contempt obvious. “I just thought you might have some basic decency, but…never mind. Enjoy the Fair, Tyson.”
This time I really do turn away from them both, only to have him step after me, coming around to block my path again. Yeah. I forgot that about him. Tyson always did need to have the last word - and right now, I really don’t want to hear any of it. There’s a part of me that’s still far too aware that this time last year, it was us here. Together.
Mostly, that hasn’t bothered me, but maybe I’ve noticed the couples here today a little more than I thought I would.
It wasn’t so bad when I was hanging out with Mark, Jenny, Elizabeth and Jake - not to mention all their hyped up children - but the moment I wandered off for a little while to take photos…I don’t know. I have kids running around me all the time, and all the family I can probably handle, but there’s still something about seeing all these couples together that makes me wonder whether maybe I am missing out.
I might be happy with the way my life is going these days, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get moments where I miss the simple companionship of having someone in particular to spend time with.
Basically, all the things I don’t want to be dwelling on in the moment I bump into my ex and his new fiancee.
“No, Kels, I think we need to sort this out—we both live here, you know, and I don’t want to deal with this bickering every time we run into each other, just because you can’t deal with the fact I’m with someone else.”
My irritation rolls over into blood-boiling levels, as my gaze narrows at him.
“Then how about you don’t run into me?” I suggest acerbically, not bothering to dignify the last part with a response as I try to take a step back and get out of here. “And stop getting in my way.”
