I Am Unbreakable: (Josh and Izzy, #2)

by Angela Mack

  Even though he was considerably taller than me (thank God), so my height wasn’t an issue, I still had zero experience in bed. He didn’t know. What if it was a problem? What if it was a massive turn-off or I did something hideously wrong to embarrass myself? He must have guessed though, right? He must have figured it out by now. All this flitted through my brain as I sat in the lounge with Georgie, Mum and Dad, waiting for Josh to come downstairs. Maybe I shouldn’t give Josh his present. Maybe it was a terrible idea.

  I caught Josh out the corner of my eye, stumbling down the stairs, yawning and stretching. I was caught off guard by a pang of grief; Ryan used to do that all the time. The resemblance between Josh and his brothers was glaring and I immediately felt like a complete bitch for worrying about something as trivial as sex, not even a full twenty-four-hours after Ryan’s funeral. I didn’t even know if Josh was going to be happy with celebrating his birthday in any way at all, but Georgie was so damn excited, we couldn’t have reigned him in even if we’d tried.

  “Hey. Missed you this morning,” Josh muttered, pecking me on the cheek as he threw himself down next to me on the sofa. I shrugged, avoiding his eye. I hoped like hell we weren't about to piss him off or upset him.

  “Happy birthday, Joshie!” Georgie charged at Josh, jumping onto his lap. Josh smiled, ruffling his hair. It was the smile that didn’t reach his eyes, but at least he wasn't frowning or shouting.

  “Thanks buddy.”

  “I hope you don’t mind, Josh, but we haven’t planned much for today. We weren’t sure what you’d feel like doing,” Mum said with a strained smile.

  “That’s OK. I’m not sure I feel up to much, to be honest.” Josh shrugged, his finger tracing a swirling pattern on my knee through my pyjama bottoms.

  “We thought we’d give you your presents now before breakfast and then if you feel like going out, perhaps we can all go for lunch or to the cinema or something later?” Mum asked. Josh shrugged again.

  “Sure.”

  “This one first! This one first!” Georgie sprung out of Josh’s lap, snatching a small box perched next to Mum and Dad on the sofa opposite us. He handed it to Josh, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

  “Hang on, Georgie, there are some cards for Josh to open first.” Mum leaned over and handed Josh a couple of envelopes. Georgie rolled his eyes.

  “Open those later. No one actually cares about the cards anyway.” We all chuckled, having no other choice but to bask in Georgie’s exuberance. Josh began opening the package, his cheeks colouring.

  “Oh, wow.” Josh stared down at the box in his hand, speechless.

  “We thought it was about time you upgraded. Your new number is written down somewhere in the box and Izzy has programmed all ours in.” Josh slid the new iPhone 11 out of its package, stroking the shiny surface with his thumb. “And these can be used with it.” Dad held out another box. It was a set of Beats by Dre, wireless headphones, the kind that blocked out background noise so you could focus only on the music.

  “Your iPod was damaged on um, Boxing Day,” I whispered. Why had I said that? I wished my brain had engaged before I’d opened my mouth. That was the last thing Josh wanted to be reminded of on his birthday. The day after Ryan’s funeral. I shook myself, trying to rid my nervous energy. Dad’s phone rang.

  “Sorry, I’ve gotta take this. It’s work.” He stepped out of the lounge and when Josh wasn’t watching, he crept out the front door. The call didn’t have anything to do with work and had everything to do with Josh’s present from Georgie. Josh began to twig that something was going on when Georgie couldn’t contain his excitement any longer. He was dancing around, a beaming smile splitting his face.

  “Er, what’s going on?” Josh asked, one eyebrow raised. Mum smothered a laugh behind her hand, and I turned away from him, pretending to look out the window. OK, so this was more like a present for all of us and Josh’s birthday was just an excuse. I couldn’t believe Mum and Dad had actually agreed to it when Georgie had asked.

  “Georgie? You better come here and get Josh’s present!” Dad called from the front door. Josh was about to stand up, but I put my hand on his wrist, shaking my head. I was smiling and he must have seen something reassuring on my face because he sat back again. Georgie ran from the room as fast as he could, returning moments later with Josh’s present in his arms.

  “Holy shit!” Josh leapt up; eyes wide as he spotted the wriggling puppy. “You did not get me a dog!” He turned to Mum and Dad, disbelief on his face. He dropped to his knees, letting the tiny black and white Springer Spaniel lick his face. Georgie giggled as Josh wrinkled his nose.

  “That little guy is from Georgie,” Dad said, hands on hips as he watched Josh and Georgie pet the pup. After managing to hold back for a full sixty seconds, I joined them on the floor, reaching over to tickle the puppy behind his ears.

  “What are you going to call him?” Mum asked, stretching over to stroke the dog too.

  “Oreo!” Georgie shouted and Mum shook her head, laughing.

  “Georgie, we’ve spoken about this. This is Josh’s present, so he gets to name him.” Georgie pouted, clinging to the puppy even harder. He still hadn’t let go of him.

  “I suppose we can call him Oreo,” Josh laughed. Georgie cheered and finally let Josh hold Oreo. Josh lifted the puppy up, peering into his face.

  “I can’t believe you got me a dog,” he laughed again. Oreo shimmied out of Josh’s grip, tail wagging like a maniac as he began sniffing the floor, trailing an invisible scent. He shoved his nose under the sofa, almost disappearing as he tried to get whatever it was that had caught his attention.

  “He’s going to need lots of walks,” Dad said pointedly.

  “No problem.” Josh had such a carefree smile on his face that I thought today might go OK after all. The minutes ticked by as we all watched Oreo scamper about the room. I started to think that perhaps I could get away with not giving Josh my present, but Mum dashed all hopes of that.

  “Izzy, why don’t you give Josh your present now?” she prompted, a knowing gleam in her eyes. After a very stilted, awkward conversation, she had helped me arrange Josh’s present.

  I sighed, reaching for the card I’d had hidden behind my back the whole time. I trembled a little as I handed it over, suddenly becoming very interested in watching Oreo chase his tail. Josh frowned at me, sensing my avoidance. He opened the card and a folded piece of paper slipped out, falling into his lap. He tilted his head in question, but I continued to avoid his gaze. I felt like my heart was about to beat out of my chest as he unfurled the paper. I snuck glances at him, watching as his eyes flicked left and right, reading. I should have chosen a different weekend, one that was at least a couple of weeks away. It was too soon after Ryan's funeral. At the time, I had thought it would be a nice distraction, to end the week on a high. I was an idiot.

  “I can’t wait!” Dad choked mid-sip of his cup of tea, making Mum laugh as my cheeks went bright red. Josh wrapped me in a hug, whispering in my ear.

  “We can spend the whole weekend cuddling, Sunshine. Stop worrying.” I hugged him back. Those were exactly the words I needed to hear to make me stop fretting about our upcoming weekend away to Norfolk. Just the two of us. Alone. Overnight. A flare of determination surged up from my stomach; I would not let my fear hold me back.

  “OK, so, Josh, do you fancy pancakes for your birthday breakfast?” Dad asked, edging towards the kitchen.

  “Pancakes!” Georgie squealed. Josh nodded, pulling me closer to him as we sank back into the sofa.

  “You feeling OK?” I murmured to him.

  “Yeah. I’m good.” I scrutinised the side of his face as he watched Georgie balance on a chair, passing ingredients to Dad in the kitchen. He genuinely did seem OK.

  “Oh. Don’t forget those.” I gestured to the two cards still resting in Josh’s lap and he chuckled as I rolled my eyes. I recognised Mum’s handwriting on the first card and Josh smiled at whatever she had written inside
. He reached for the second card and I frowned, unsure who it was from.

  “Bill gave that to me when I saw him yesterday,” Mum threw over her shoulder as she joined Dad and Georgie in the kitchen. Between the regular visits at the hospital and the frequent phone calls with updates on the case, Mum and Dad seemed to have built quite a good relationship with Superintendent White. They considered him a friend now.

  Josh frowned, tearing open the envelope. As Josh opened the card, I laughed at the lame joke on the front: ‘It is scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.’

  Josh slammed the card shut. He stood up, marching over to the bin in the kitchen. He shoved the card in before swivelling to face Mum.

  “Can I help with anything?” Josh began retrieving mugs from the cupboard, heading over to the coffee machine. Huh. Wonder what that was all about?

  Chapter 24

  Joshua

  Izzy was freaking out. I could tell from a mile off. She kept jumping or flinching every time I took her hand in mine or my arm brushed against her. She was staring out the train window, watching the trees and fields streak by. We were headed towards a hotel in the Norfolk countryside. When we were waiting in the train station, she kept saying how she hoped the hotel was nice. She was fidgeting. A lot.

  I had never stayed in a hotel before. Before Big Mike flushed our lives down the toilet, he would take Mum away for long weekends with other couples. They would take their fanciest clothes and come home bragging about their fancy lunches and dinners. Somehow, I was always left at home to look after Georgie and Ryan. We were never welcome on their trips.

  But even if I had stayed in a hotel before, even if I’d spent my entire life living out of a fucking Hilton, I would not give a damn about what this hotel was like. It could be a tent in the middle of a fucking rubbish dump for all I cared. Having a whole weekend alone with Izzy was...well, I was trying not to embarrass myself by showing the whole damn train how excited I was. Although I’d meant what I’d said to Izzy on my birthday; if all she wanted to do was cuddle, that was fine by me. And it was. Even though in the back of my head, I was hoping she’d want to do more.

  She was so fucking hot. And her morning wake-up calls were almost unbearable. She was torturing me every morning. I loved her, completely, and I would wait until she felt ready to take things further, but fuck me, I had a major case of blue balls. As uncomfortable as I felt right now, shifting in my seat as I tried to distract myself (picturing picking up Oreo’s shit did the trick―it was disgusting how much turd a puppy of his size could produce), I hated how uncomfortable Izzy looked. And for completely different reasons to me.

  “Izzy talk to me. Please.” I stared at her profile, wishing I could read her mind. She turned to me after a moment, sighing.

  “I’m sorry. I’m ruining your birthday weekend.” She stared down at her lap, picking at one of her nails.

  “Hey. You are not ruining anything. I just wish you’d relax.” I put a finger under her chin, lifting so her eyes met mine. “Stop putting yourself under so much pressure. I’m not going to force you into anything.” I ignored the brief flicker of anger that stirred inside me; she knew I would never do that, right? I grabbed her hand, pulling it up to my mouth so I could kiss the back of it. I brought it back down to let it rest on my left thigh, holding on with both hands. She didn’t say anything for a while, and I tried to give her some space. My eyes wandered down the aisle of the train.

  There was a lady sitting at a table towards the front of our carriage, her back to the direction of travel. A little girl with blonde pigtails sat next to her, scribbling on a piece of paper. The lady helped the girl colour in her drawing. She glanced up, catching me watching her. She smiled before ducking her head, continuing to colour with her little girl. It reminded me of Georgie’s drawings, which reminded me of being in hospital, which of course, made me think of Ryan. My heart lurched and I felt like someone was pressing on my chest. I lifted a hand, rubbing where it hurt. But it didn’t ease the pain.

  I was such a dick. Here I was, thinking about potentially having sex with Izzy in the same week that we had buried my brother. Wasn’t I supposed to be a recluse, hiding in my room, engulfed in grief and misery? I wasn't supposed to laugh or smile or enjoy myself ever again. Or at least for a few months. I wasn't supposed to move on yet. But it wasn’t like I wasn’t grieving, like I wasn’t in pain. In fact, the rage that usually bubbled beneath the surface felt like it had been stifled, like it had been doused in ice cold grief. There was an emptiness there now, like a black hole. And it was so deep and fucking scary that I didn’t dare look too closely at it. In case I slipped over the edge and fell straight into it. No, I needed to stay close to Izzy, to stay close to my sunshine. Only her brightness could soothe my pain, could help me forget―if only for a while.

  “Have you had sex before, Josh?” Izzy’s murmur interrupted my thoughts. The sudden change of subject from what I had been thinking made me hesitate, taking a few moments to pull myself together.

  “Yes.” I answered honestly, but I didn’t volunteer any details. I couldn’t imagine this conversation was going to go well and it seemed like the safest option was to keep it as brief as possible. Izzy nodded to herself.

  “A lot?” she asked.

  “Not really. A few times.” She raised her eyebrows, sceptical.

  “In order to have sex regularly, you need one of two things―a girlfriend or plenty of opportunity for one-night stands. I’ve never had a girlfriend. You know how hard it was for me to trust you with the details of my shitty home life. I sure as shit didn’t want a girlfriend sticking her nose into my business.” I was relieved when she laughed along with me at the irony. “And once we moved to West View, between working at Martins and looking after Ryan and Georgie, sex wasn’t really a priority.” I thought back to when I’d last had sex, a drunken quickie at a party Ollie had convinced me to go to. That was the one we’d both gotten kicked out of later. Fuck, was that how long ago it was since I’d last had sex?

  “And have you been with anyone since you met me?” She was back to avoiding my eyes again.

  “No. To be honest, it’s been about a year since I’ve had sex.”

  “OK.”

  “Is there anything else you’d like to know?” Why had I asked that brilliant question? Moron.

  “No.”

  “No? Don’t girls usually want a list of everyone their guy has ever slept with?” I nudged her with my elbow, hoping she found me funny. She laughed, shaking her head.

  “I don’t need to know the details. I was just...curious,” she shrugged. Phew, I felt like I'd gotten off easy. Not that I’d lied about anything, but I thought she’d have more questions.

  “Wait―” Izzy turned to me, eyes wide. Here we go.

  “You’ve never slept with Ellie Sparks, have you?” I laughed when I realised she had humour in her eyes.

  “No, Izzy. I’ve never slept with your archenemy.” Thank fuck. Although she was only teasing me, I had a feeling that would still have been a dealbreaker. In all honesty, I couldn't quite remember what Ellie looked like from that one time I’d seen her at that party. She wasn’t anything special, especially next to Izzy.

  “I haven’t.” She glanced across at me, waiting for my response.

  “Sorry, did I miss something? You haven’t what?”

  “I haven’t had sex before.” My mind was blown. I hadn’t thought she was a virgin. I’d assumed maybe she’d had one shitty time in the back of a car or something and was shy that she didn’t have much experience, not that she hadn’t had sex at all before. She was seventeen! In this day and age, there weren’t many seventeen-year-olds wandering ‘round who hadn’t had sex before, surely? Fuck. No wonder she had been acting so weird ever since my birthday. Why the bloody hell hadn't I realised sooner? It was so obvious, yet it hadn't even entered my mind.

  I suddenly felt underprepared, like I should have something special planned. The enormity of
our situation sunk in; I was going to be Izzy’s first. Shit. I'd heard about guys who thought virgins were like fucking unicorns, getting a hard on over just hearing the word. Virgin. What dicks. A girl’s first time was supposed to be a big deal, right? It was supposed to be with that guy who scattered the bed with rose petals. The guy who got straight As, who was going to make something of his life. The guy who promised her the world and could actually deliver it. That wasn’t me. I had nothing worthwhile I could promise her.

  “You've gone very quiet,” she whispered. The train slowed to our stop and I jumped up, pulling our bags from the storage shelf overhead. I hauled them both towards the exit. What the fuck was I going to do? Five minutes ago, I had been desperate to have sex with Izzy, and now, there was no way I could. I couldn’t be her first. Your first time was when you made love. I didn’t know how to do that. I had never loved a girl before, never cherished someone enough to feel like making love. I’d only fucked. Shagged. And only a handful of times for Christ’s sake. Why did I now feel like I was the virgin?

  I followed the sign for the station exit with tunnel vision, not paying attention to my surroundings. Izzy followed a pace or two behind me. It was a tiny station; one platform in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by quiet countryside. There was a taxi idling a few feet away.

  “That’s our ride,” Izzy said from behind me, but didn’t step towards it. “We don’t have to go to the hotel if you don’t want to.” I turned to face her and felt like a complete prick. She had tears streaming down her face.

  “Oh, Iz―” I reached out to her, but she took a step back. I dropped our bags at my feet, raking a hand through my hair.