BLACKOUT

by Olivia Evans

  “Eight months ago,” Bat continued, “I was at a bar listening to my friend’s band play. I stepped out back for a smoke, and the next thing I knew, some douchebag asshole was dragging me behind the fucking dumpster in the alley. I screamed and punched at the motherfucker, but I was no match for him. He actually had the nerve to say he’d seen me checking him out earlier, and he knew I wanted him.” Bat swiped angrily at a tear that slipped from her eye and made a sound of disgust in the back of her throat. “What a fucking moron. I wouldn’t have fucked that loser with my worst enemy’s pussy. He told me I was asking for it because of the way I was dressed. I had on a skirt, for fuck’s sake. How that screams Rape Me, I’ll never know. But a part of me can’t help but wonder if he was right.” Bat waved her hands over her clothes, and I understood then. “No fucker will ever be able to say that shit to me again.”

  “It wasn’t your fault,” Melissa said, her voice strong yet filled with compassion. Tears pricked my eyes, and I dropped my head to get my emotions under control. “What that man did to you was his weakness, his sickness—not yours. You might not be ready yet, but in time, with the support of everyone in this room, we’re going to help you see that too.”

  Bat pulled her coat tighter around her chest and nodded, no longer fighting the tears falling from her eyes. My mind drifted in and out of the room after that, torn between the past and the present. My heart broke for each story I heard, but that same feeling of shame and guilt, the uncertainty, couldn’t allow me to see myself as the others in the room. They were violently attacked. I was a willing participant. Maybe. I ground my teeth together as I dug my nails into my palms. If I could just remember what happened, I could finally deal with that night. But what if I couldn’t? What if I had gone along with everything? What if I hadn’t? Would either answer make me feel any better that some stranger had been with me in the most intimate way possible?

  “I want to thank all of you for coming,” Melissa said, pulling me from my thoughts. I glanced at the time, my eyes widening when I realized an hour had passed. “I hope to see you Sunday.”

  The people around me stood and spoke in soft murmurs before tossing their coffee cups into the trash and disappearing down the hall. I couldn’t seem to make myself move. My body was frozen.

  “Are you okay?” Melissa asked, crouching next to me and placing her hand on my knee.

  I sniffed and shook my head but answered, “Yes.” We both let out a small laugh, breaking some of the tension. “Clearly I’m confused about even the smallest thing.”

  “That’s not uncommon. You’re allowed to feel however you want to feel. It’s what you do about it that counts.”

  “I know.”

  “Will I see you again?” Melissa asked, rising to her feet.

  I hesitated. “I don’t know.”

  “There’s never any pressure. You don’t have to share. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. But these groups help. It’s why I do them. You came here because whatever you’ve been doing isn’t working. Coming back can’t hurt. Just think about it.”

  “I will. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  I stood as well and moved to the door as Melissa started folding the metal chairs and stacking them against the wall. I considered staying to help, but my body and mind were in overload, and I just wanted to curl up in my bed and think about everything that happened today.

  “I’m close.”

  Sweaty hands, anguish and ecstasy. Push and pull. Yes and no.

  Stop.

  Heavy weight, drops of sweat on bare skin sinking into flesh like acid. Burning.

  Vomit. Dread. Nothing.

  “Fuck!” I bolted upright in bed, my fists slamming into the mattress. I wanted to punch a hole through my wall. I wanted to shatter my lamp and break a chair against the desk. Anger crawled over my skin like lava in a way I hadn’t felt before. It caused me to freeze. For the first time since I’d started having nightmares, I wasn’t crying; I was furious. It was the same dream as always, except this time, in my place was Bat. The rage I felt was unfamiliar but oh so welcome. I fell back into bed and let my eyes drift shut. Was it really so simple as imagining what happened to me happening to someone else for me to see it wasn’t my fault?

  The memory of tequila shots and flower-stamped ecstasy was all it took to deflate my anger and pull me back to reality. I wasn’t singled out in a back alley, and I wasn’t attacked by a neighbor. I got drunk and high with a stranger and….and, what? I pulled a pillow over my face and screamed.

  “If you don’t cut that out, one of the neighbors is going to call the cops and report someone in this apartment is being murdered.”

  I pulled the pillow from my face and looked at Ethan, who stood in the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest and a confused smile on his face. It was like he wasn’t sure if he should be amused or concerned. I couldn’t blame him. I likely looked and sounded as crazy as I felt.

  “Sorry.”

  “Eh, I have an alibi if a dead body shows up. The question is, will you still have a job since you’re late again?”

  I threw the covers off and dropped my feet to the floor. “I’m off today.”

  Ethan raised his brow. “How did you manage a day off from an eight-to-five, Monday-to-Friday job you just started?”

  I cleared my throat. “It’s more of a ‘get your shit together by Monday, or you’re not going to have a job’ mini-vacation.”

  “Damn.”

  “Yeah.” I scrubbed my hands over my face and looked at the clock. It was just after eight. “Where’s Krista?”

  “Wednesday and Thursday are her seven a.m. classes. She’s been gone for a while now.”

  “Right.” I stood and grabbed my terry cloth robe, tying the belt around my waist. Krista was diving right into her master’s degree, and summer classes were in full swing. Unlike Ethan, who had the comfort of taking the summer off and lying around doing nothing all day. Trust fund jerk.

  “Want to do something? We can go out for breakfast or catch a movie. My schedule’s open.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Of course it is. Actually, I think I’m just going to hang out here today, watch a couple chick flicks.”

  Ethan laughed, his eyes bright. “Is that your subtle way of telling me to get lost?”

  “That was subtle? Damn, I really need to get better at being direct.”

  “Bitch,” Ethan teased, pushing off the doorframe. “I’m going to visit my dad then head to the gym. I should be done around lunch. Am I allowed to come back and join your daytime slumber party if I grab a couple burgers from The Vortex?”

  “You drive a hard bargain, Ethan Randolph. You know there’s nothing I won’t do for one of their burgers.”

  “Of course I know that. Why else would I offer? Do your girlie shit. I’ll be back in a few hours.”

  Ethan spun on his heel, and within a matter of minutes, the front door of our apartment clicked shut. I stood in the center of my room and looked around. Clothes were scattered across the hardwood floor. My ebony vanity and dresser were littered with random jewelry and makeup. I turned back to the bed and eyed the beige-and-black comforter picturing a rendition of an old-world map. I tried to remember the last time I’d washed my sheets, and I wrinkled my nose when I couldn’t be sure. The girlie shit would have to wait. My room and its sanitation would need to be addressed first.

  After throwing the sheets in the wash and straightening the rest of my room, I grabbed a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and settled on the sofa. I flipped on the news, watching as reporters interviewed organizers of an upcoming women’s march. On every news station for the last year were people protesting for women’s rights and against those who committed sexual assaults. The Me Too movement was in full swing, and I felt a bit of shame that I’d never really bothered to listen or try to understand their most basic motivations. The truth was, I had never been treated unfairly. I’d never felt like being a woman had held me back from
accomplishing my life goals. I’d also been a judgmental bitch when it came to sexual assault. Maybe if I’d shown a little more empathy, a little more understanding, things could have been different for me.

  I shook my head and let out a humorless laugh. No amount of understanding would have stopped me from going to that party. I would have done exactly the same thing and ended up in exactly the same situation. So, what was the point? Frustrated, I scrolled through several stations before muting the television and grabbing my laptop. I pulled up the address of the support group and looked for any information I could find. I wasn’t sure what I was looking for, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Melissa or the other people there. It occurred to me that I wanted to go back. The realization threw me off-balance. I was so preoccupied with my thoughts that I didn’t hear the door open until I found Krista standing over me, hands on hips.

  “You better not have started watching some shit that’s going to make you cry without me.”

  My mouth fell open, and my brows pulled together. “How?”

  “Ethan,” Krista answered, dropping her backpack on the floor and falling onto the couch beside me. “He told me what happened at work, said you might not have wanted him around, but he doubted you’d run me off.”

  I sighed. “You didn’t have to leave school to come home and babysit me. I manage to get through the day on my own just fine.”

  “Oh, shut up and just let me love you,” Krista sighed. “Besides, I’m done for the day. I only had one class, so the rest of the day is open.” In a softer tone, Krista spoke again. “We’re just worried about you. Especially Ethan. You worked so hard to get through school and land this job. We just want to be here for you. We damn sure weren’t when you needed us most.”

  “Don’t do that,” I said, my throat tight. “You guys aren’t responsible for what happened. You didn’t know. You couldn’t have.”

  Krista sniffed and unmuted the television. “Still. We’re going to get through this together. You’re my best friend. I’d never let you deal with this alone. And I sure as hell wouldn’t let you watch—” Krista squinted at the television. “What the fuck is this? Were you going to watch a fucking Nicholas Sparks movie? Alone? Are you insane?”

  I looked at the television and laughed when I saw the opening credits for The Notebook rolling across the screen. “I swear I didn’t know. But if ever there was a movie to make us both cry until our faces are red and swollen, this is it.”

  “Excellent,” Krista said, her voice heavy with sarcasm as she grabbed a soft white blanket and draped it over our laps. “Next, we’ll watch The Fault in Our Stars. You know, just to lighten the mood.”

  I snuggled next to Krista and let out a small laugh. “Sounds like a plan.”

  “Where are you going?”

  I paused at the front door and bit my lower lip. For whatever reason, I hadn’t told Ethan or Krista about the support group. I just wasn’t ready. I turned back to Ethan and smiled.

  “I have a few errands to run. I should be back in a couple hours.”

  “Want some company?”

  “No. I’m okay. You stay here and watch the Braves. I’ll be back soon.”

  Ethan’s brows dented, but he nodded. “Be careful.”

  I stepped out onto the sidewalk and looked up and down the street. It was a good walk to the support group, but I had plenty of time to get there. Hopefully, it would also clear some of the noise bouncing around in my head. The last few days off work hadn’t changed much of anything. My initial boost Thursday had been fleeting. Krista and Ethan didn’t mention my nightmares, and Ethan hadn’t shown up at my door like he normally did. Maybe he was over my self-wallowing, maybe it was the girl he’d been spending more and more time with, or maybe I was just getting better at faking my way through the day. The thing was, I wasn’t always sad. There were times when I felt completely normal and I wondered why I was upset in the first place. Then a song would come on or a commercial that would trigger a memory, and it was like the air had been knocked from my lungs.

  Sweat glistened on my skin by the time I reached the brick-faced building. I looked across to the diner and smiled when I saw Pearl in the window. I would have to stop in after. The same feeling of unease washed over me once more as I pulled open the door and stepped inside. Everything was the same, right down to the smell of coffee coming from the meeting room. Moving down the hall, I stepped into the room, relieved to see the same familiar faces from Wednesday. A few people looked up and gave me a small smile and wave before returning their gazes to their phones or continuing their conversations with the people around them. I noticed a large glass water cooler on the table next to the coffee. Ice mixed with water, lemon, and limes floated inside, and condensation rolled down the outside. My mouth watered. I moved to the table and grabbed one of the plastic cups, filling it to the top.

  “It’s a hot one today, huh?” I coughed and nearly spilled my water, unaware that someone had moved next to me. “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  The guy next to me handed me a napkin and took a step back, almost like he was scared to stand too close. I accepted the napkin and wiped the water off my chin. “It’s okay. I just didn’t see you there.”

  “I’m Gavin. Gavin Lewis.”

  I smiled. “Nice to meet you.” I wasn’t sure why I didn’t return his greeting, but I wasn’t ready to tell anyone my name. He smiled like it was completely normal and went back to setting out the snacks, either unbothered or used to my type of response. I wondered if he was there to support a girlfriend or a family member, or worse, if someone had assaulted him as well. It was a strange thought, that a man could be sexually assaulted. Wasn’t it always women? I chastised myself for being so closed-minded. Violence could happen to anyone.

  I hesitated for a moment before deciding to leave well enough alone and found a seat at the bottom of the circle again. The chairs slowly filled, and before long, Melissa started the meeting, Gavin seated to her right. Maybe he was there for her. Just like the last time, people shared their stories. Some were angry, some sad. All were emotions I knew all too well. When the meeting was over, I tossed my cup in the trash before heading across the street and ordering a to-go slice of cake from Pearl.

  “What’s that?” Ethan asked when I walked into the apartment a little while later.

  I looked at the box in my hand and smiled. “Strawberry shortcake.”

  Ethan sat up and patted the spot next to him. “You’re going to need to bring your ass over here and share that with me.”

  I laughed and pulled out two plastic forks before falling onto the couch next to Ethan and popping open the top. The sweet smell of strawberries and cake caused Ethan to moan. “God, where did this come from?”

  I dug my fork into the cake and popped a bite into my mouth. “It’s from my new favorite place. A diner called Lucky’s.”

  Ethan nodded. “I’ve heard of that place. It’s in Virginia Highland, yeah? What were you doing over there?”

  I twirled my fork between my fingers, trying to decide if I wanted to tell Ethan where I’d been. After a second, I blew out a heavy breath. Ethan had been by my side every second since that night. If I couldn’t tell him, who could I tell? “Remember Wednesday when I was sent home from work?” When Ethan nodded, I continued. “I kind of wandered around for hours. I wasn’t sure where I was going or what I planned to do. I just needed to clear my head. When my stomach started screaming to be fed, I happened to be next to Lucky’s Diner. When I was getting ready to leave, I noticed a group of people standing across the street. The lady at the diner, Pearl, told me they held different kinds of support groups over there. I wasn’t going to go, but after being sent home from work, I certainly didn’t think it would hurt. So, I went in, and it wasn’t as awful as I expected. They have meetings on Wednesday and Sunday. That’s where I went. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

  Ethan pulled the box from my hand and set it on the coffee table before turni
ng to face me. “You don’t have to apologize to me. You are under no obligation to tell me anything, but can I just say, I’m very proud of you? I try really hard not to pry, but I’ve been worried. I’d do anything to find the asshole who did that to you and beat him to fucking death. But I can’t, so all I can do is hope you’re able to find some kind of peace. If going to a support group is what you need to do, then that’s what you should do. If you ever want company, I’d come with you.”

  My eyes welled up with tears. “You’d do that?”

  “You’re such a dumbass,” Ethan joked. “Of course I would. Now let’s eat the rest of this delicious fucking cake before Krista gets home.”

  Monday morning, I slapped at the button on my alarm clock and rolled out of bed. My mind and body were emotionally and physically drained, but giving in to those feelings as much as I wanted to wasn’t an option. I looked at the little note Krista had left on my bedside table and smiled.

  Fake it till you make it.

  I wasn’t better. Not even close. The nightmares weren’t going to miraculously stop just because I’d attended a couple of meetings, but I had to at least try to fight the depression. The alternative would destroy what will I still possessed.

  Later that morning, Katherine stopped next to my cubicle and cleared her throat. I pulled out my earbuds and smiled. “Good morning, Katherine.”

  Katherine leaned in closer, peering at my computer screen before giving an approving nod and matching smile. “Good work. I like the concept. Will it be ready by the deadline?”

  “Yes. I just have a few things I need to make adjustments to, and it will be ready for your review. I’ll stay late if needed to make sure it’s on your desk on time. I promised you I wouldn’t let you down, and I meant it.”