BLACKOUT

by Olivia Evans

  “Sometimes I wonder what kind of shitty person I was in my other life to deserve the things I’ve had to endure in this one. What about you, Lonna? You ever feel that way?”

  I studied my fingers, picking at the loose cuticle by my ring finger. The truth was, until what happened at my graduation party, my life had been great. I came from a good family and grew up with both parents. I was well liked and made a point to get along with everyone. I’d had a perfectly middle-class life and knew little of heartache and pain. It was just another reason I felt like a poser in the support group.

  “Not until recently,” I answered honestly, surprising myself. “Maybe I was due. Maybe no one is supposed to go through life blissfully happy. What can someone possibly learn about themselves if they never have to take a real look at their reflection?”

  Bat scoffed. “I’ve had to look at my reflection my entire life. I didn’t have it easy, but I never hurt anyone. Isn’t that enough to spare me, you, anyone from being fucking violated? I didn’t think you understood. Honestly, I thought for a while you were just at group for morbid curiosity or some fucking story you were writing for school or a local paper. It wasn’t until the last meeting, when I showed up with this—” Bat held up her wrist, the white bandage still covering the wound underneath “—that I saw something else in your eyes. You got it. And I hated myself for feeling glad.”

  I felt tears sting my eyes. I would never wish what I’d been through on another person. Bat groaned and scrubbed her hands down her face.

  “That didn’t come out how I meant. I was glad to know you weren’t there to stare at the rest of us like a bunch of freaks. You’re one of us. I hate that you are, but there’s comfort in having someone to share your pain with. Fucked up as it might be.”

  “I understand.” And I did. I’d wondered the same thing about Gavin when I’d first met him. Wondered if he was there as some kind of sick predator. I’d felt both relief and heartbreak when I realized I’d been wrong.

  “I saw him,” Bat said, her words barely above a whisper as she traced her finger around the bandage on her wrist. “I was coming from the tattoo shop about eight blocks from here. I saw him, and I just knew. I froze. I literally felt like my body was trapped inside a block of ice. Each breath I took burned my lungs, and my skin was on fire. Like when your foot goes to sleep, except all over. He looked at me, and I could see in his eyes that he knew who I was. And do you know what that motherfucker did? He smiled. He fucking smiled. There was no fear, no concern about going to jail, nothing. I’m not even sure what happened after that. It was like I was possessed. I charged him. I bit and hit and kicked and everything else I’d been too weak to do that night in the alley. His blood sprayed across my face, and it was the best feeling in the world. The next thing I knew, the cops were there and I was being dragged to the back seat of a police car. I was the one in handcuffs. It didn’t matter that I was screaming at the top of my lungs that the piece of shit they were tending to had raped me. I went to jail. I sat there in my tiny cell, cold and defeated and just fucking tired of feeling like a victim. So, I raked my wrist across the rusted end of the bed frame and waited for it to be over. I just wanted it to be over.”

  Oh my God, I thought, my mind a blur of confusion and sadness. I wondered what I would do if I ever came face-to-face with the man who raped me. Would I fight or break? Maybe I’d be like Bat and do both.

  “Gavin picked me up at the hospital when my psych evaluation was over. Thanks for that,” she said with a wry smile. “He took me back to the police station and explained why I’d attacked that asshole. They took some notes, nodded, and made sympathetic faces when they should, but it was all for show. I was just some tattooed, goth freak who probably deserved whatever happened to me. I found out right before group today that they dismissed my case against him because he had an alibi. Some guy vouched he was with him the whole night at a bar across town. Bros before hoes, right?” Bat swiped at the tears on her cheek and downed the rest of her beer. “Fuck all of them.”

  There was a knock at the door that caused Bat and me to jump before releasing a small laugh. “I’ve got it,” Gavin said, waving off Bat when she tried to give him money. While Gavin was at the door, I leaned forward, timid.

  “I can’t remember his face,” I whispered. “He could be standing right next to me, and I’d have no idea. I thought that was the most terrible thing in the world, but now I’m not so sure.”

  Bat nodded. “The alternative always sounds better until you get a view from the other side. I thought I’d be so much better if I didn’t see his face every time I closed my eyes, but at least I know what my devil looks like.”

  “Yeah.”

  “It’s good that you have Gavin. Don’t think everyone hasn’t noticed you guys leaving together after every meeting. He’s got some secrets, but he’s a great guy.”

  “Has he ever talked about what happened to him? In group,” I added quickly, making sure she knew I didn’t expect her to betray his confidence.

  “No. Not to the group, but I’m pretty sure Melissa knows. She knows everything,” she said with a small laugh before her face grew serious. “We’re all broken in one way or another. Make sure your path to becoming whole again doesn’t fracture him further.”

  “I promise,” I whispered.

  “You guys ready to eat?”

  Bat and I nodded, grabbing a couple slices of pizza. For the next hour, the three of us discussed everything from art and music to foods and fads. What had started out as an attempt to console Bat had turned into a different kind of group meeting. There were no secrets, no hiding, just raw emotion and the art of faking our way from one day to the next until, eventually, the scars healed.

  When Bat finally kicked Gavin and me out, I wrapped her in a strong hug. “I left you my number. I’d really like to hang out if you’re ever up to it. Maybe show me some of your other paintings.”

  “You’re nothing like the stuck-up princess I expected. Thank God,” she added with a laugh. “Let’s plan something soon.”

  Hand in hand, Gavin and I walked down the four flights of steps and out into the street. “Want to share a cab?” Gavin asked, a soft smile on his face.

  “Yeah,” I exhaled. “I’d like that.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to see if Gavin can get his boss’s tickets?” Krista asked as I pulled on her Braves shirt.

  “Nah. Ethan has bugged me to go to a game with him for over a month now. I don’t think it would go over very well if the first time I agreed to go, I brought Gavin.”

  “You and my cousin have a really weird fucking relationship,” Krista said, crossing her arms over her chest.

  I blew out a heavy breath. “Listen. I know Ethan had a thing for me, but that was a long time ago. I was very clear about my feelings, and he knows all about Gavin. Also, I don’t know what I would have done without him this summer. He was such a rock for me. He’s my friend, and I’ve kind of been a dick. He deserves better.”

  “You haven’t been a dick,” Krista groaned. “You’re just putting your life back together with a super-hot guy.”

  “Stop,” I muttered, my eyes pleading. “Ethan and I have gone to lots of games together. This is no different. Let it go.”

  “Fine.”

  “You ready?” Ethan asked, sticking his head into my room.

  “Yes,” I answered, shooting a warning glance at Krista, who kept her face blank. Shoving my ID and credit card into my back pocket, I slipped on my shoes and joined Ethan in the living room with a wide smile stretched across my face. “Let’s roll.”

  My good mood didn’t take long to wear down once the game started. “Jesus, what is going on with our outfielders?” I asked, disgusted by their sloppy play.

  “Fuck if I know,” Ethan said, his expression a mirror of mine. “I need another beer. This is painful. You want another?”

  I blinked and squinted at the jumbotron. The numbers came in and out of focus, and I swayed a
little. I hadn’t realized how much one beer had affected me. I shouldn’t have been surprised. After cutting back on my drinking, I’d become such a lightweight. “Maybe I should stick with water from here on out.”

  Ethan waved me off. “You’re fine. I’ll grab you a hot dog.”

  I wanted to protest, but suddenly a hot dog sounded like the most amazing idea ever. When Ethan returned, the sweet smell of bread and salty meat had my mouth watering. “Oh my God,” I moaned, taking a bite. “This is delicious.”

  “Maybe you should hold off on the beer,” Ethan teased, pulling the plastic cup from my reach before handing it to me with a chuckle.

  “I’m glad we did this.” I’d missed hanging out with Ethan, even with the strain in our relationship since Gavin entered the picture.

  “Me too. I know I’ve been weird lately, but I’m kind of out of my element. I know what to do when you girls have a bad breakup or get into some dumb-ass fight with a friend, but what happened to you, that’s new territory for me, Lonna. I’m doing the best I can.”

  Warmth rushed through me. I wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or my love of my friendship with Ethan, but whatever the reason, I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my face against his chest. “You’ve done amazing. There’s no way I could have made it through this without you.”

  Ethan leaned down and pressed his lips to the top of my head. “Anything for you, Lonna.”

  One beer turned to two, then three. By the time Ethan and I left the game, I could barely keep my footing. “Jesus,” I gasped, my palm flattening against the wall of the elevator in our building. Ethan laughed and braced himself as well.

  “You’re going to make us both fall,” he laughed, the tips of his fingers sliding up my waist and skimming the bottom of my breast. “Whoops.” Ethan jerked his hand away before realizing I was about to fall and grabbed me once more. He pulled me against his chest, our faces so close, I couldn’t tell where my exhale ended and his inhale began. Warning bells sounded in my head, and my breath caught.

  Ethan pushed away the hair that had fallen in my face and trailed his finger down my cheek. It was all wrong. “You’re so beautiful.”

  I swallowed and sucked in a sharp breath. “Ethan…”

  My words were cut off when his mouth crashed against mine. I gasped and pushed on his shoulders, my hand covering my mouth as I stared at him, wide-eyed.

  “Shit, Lonna,” Ethan croaked, panic written all over his face. “I didn’t mean to do that. Shit. Fuck. What the fuck? I’m so sorry.”

  I felt some of the tension leak from my body when I saw how freaked out he was. “It’s okay.” It wasn’t, but I could tell he felt terrible.

  “The fuck it is. Jesus Christ. I’m so sorry. I need to date more.”

  My eyes widened, and after a second, I burst into laughter and nodded. “You really fucking do.”

  Ethan groaned. “Tomorrow, I’m letting you and Krista set me up on a blind date. I can’t go back to candle girl, and the girl I’ve been seeing doesn’t eat meat. If I can’t take her to The Vortex for burgers, we don’t stand a chance.”

  “No, you cannot. We don’t have room in our fridge for tofu!”

  “Are we okay? I don’t know what the fuck just happened, but I’m sorry.”

  “We’re okay, Ethan, but I’m totally setting you up on a date.”

  “Of course you are.” Ethan threw his arm around me and led me down the hall to the apartment. I smiled and joked, but something in the pit of my stomach knotted in the worst kind of way. I didn’t want to think about why that was.

  “You know you don’t have to do this if you’re not comfortable, right?”

  I smiled at Gavin’s nervous expression. “It’s fine. I swear. I just have a lot on my mind with work,” I lied. I was nervous about being at his house, but not for the reasons he probably thought.

  It had been almost a week since Ethan kissed me, and even though I’d had several opportunities to tell Gavin about it, I hadn’t. Krista had made her thoughts crystal clear, much to my annoyance. “You have to tell him,” she’d said. It wasn’t that I didn’t agree, but I worried how it would affect my relationship with Gavin if he knew my roommate drunkenly groped and kissed me. “It’s just going to be worse if you don’t say anything and it comes out later,” Krista scolded in my head.

  I pushed her voice to the background when Gavin slowed and nodded toward the house in front of us. “Wow,” I exhaled. Two concrete pillars stood at the bottom of the steps that led up the steep front yard. The small bungalow was painted forest green with four white columns across the covered front porch. A short bush sat beside the front door, and a cozy swing rocked from the gentle breeze.

  “This is quite the setup you have here.” I looked over my shoulder toward Piedmont Park. “We live on opposite sides of the park,” I mused. “You’re way closer to Lucky’s, though.”

  “It was my uncle’s. He apparently had lots of empty real estate just sitting around for me to weasel out of him.”

  “I need to meet this uncle of yours,” I joked.

  “He’s a good guy. Too much money and no one to share it with. We’ve always been close. He bought this place from the bank for next to nothing. When he found out I was coming back to Atlanta, he offered to sell it to me for what he paid. There was no way I was turning down that offer.”

  Gavin opened the front door and stepped to the side so I could go in. Dark hardwood covered the living room floor and continued down the narrow hallway. A masculine leather sofa and chair sat around a thick white rug facing a large flat-panel television hanging above the stone fireplace. Pictures of Gavin with who I assumed were friends and family hung on the beige-colored walls.

  “This is beautiful.”

  Gavin shrugged and looked at his feet. He seemed embarrassed and shy. It was pretty damn adorable. “Thanks. My mom did most of the decorating. Since I moved out, I’ve had the bare minimum, which has been fine, but she said now that I have a real house, it should consist of more than a card table and a recliner.”

  “She’s right. A house this nice deserves more than deserted crackhouse furnishings.”

  Gavin let out a sharp laugh. “What?”

  “You know, beer cans, soiled clothes, ashtrays, and crack pipes scattered around stained mattresses lying on the floor. The usual.”

  Gavin lifted his brows. “Been to many crackhouses, have you?”

  I lifted my mouth into a half smile. “Thankfully, no, but I did watch three hours of Cops with Krista the other night.”

  “Ah, well, I assure you, you’ll find none of those things here. Come on, I’ll show you around, then we can figure out dinner.” I followed Gavin as he led me from room to room of his modest two-bedroom home. Each space was similarly decorated—simple yet warm. It suited him. “This is my favorite place,” he said, opening the back door. We stepped onto the large deck, and I let out a wistful sigh. Thick foliage surrounded the small backyard, giving the area a feeling of seclusion. I could barely make out the tops of the surrounding homes. A large covered hammock sat next to a small umbrellaed table and a grill.

  “I’d stay out here forever.”

  “You’re welcome to come over anytime you’d like,” Gavin said, stepping close enough that I felt his shirt brush against my back. I had an image flash through my mind of being wrapped in his arms, his chin resting atop my head as we sipped wine and watched fireflies dance around the shrubs. It caused a feeling of longing to swell inside my chest that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. My desire to have that with him caused so many conflicting emotions; anticipation and shame, excitement and terror.

  “Are we ready to figure out dinner?” I asked, stepping away. I knew Gavin liked me, but he had his own set of baggage. Just because I was envisioning a future with him didn’t mean he was ready for the same.

  “Uh, sure,” he answered, clearly taken aback by my change in demeanor. He opened the back door and ushered me in, making sure not to touch
me as I passed. Unease settled in my stomach like lead. I had no idea what was right or wrong. One thing I did know was that Krista was right. I needed to tell Gavin about what happened with Ethan. If I wanted more, and I was fairly certain I did, I needed to be honest with him. I wasn’t ready to tell him everything, but this would be a start. First, though, I needed to do something about the tension hanging in the air.

  While Gavin rummaged in the fridge, I looked around the kitchen, pausing when I spotted a familiar black device in the corner. “Alexa, play oldies radio.”

  Gavin peeked from around the fridge door, a smile breaking across his face when the opening of “Great Balls of Fire” filled the silence. “Good call.”

  “What you got there?” I asked, studying the pan in Gavin’s hand.

  “It’s pretty nice out. I thought we could grill kabobs. If you want to start on the vegetables, I’ll cut the meat and fire up the grill.”

  “That sounds perfect. Where do I start?”

  Gavin set me up with a knife and cutting board on one side of the island, while he spread out a couple chicken breasts and some beef. We worked in silence, but it was no longer uncomfortable. The entire scene felt so ridiculously domestic, and I struggled not to picture us like this all the time. Needing a distraction, I grabbed a piece of pepper from the cutting board and tossed it at Gavin, smacking him in the cheek.

  He flinched and looked up, wide-eyed. “What the—”

  I covered my mouth with the back of my hand and tried to hold back my giggle. “Whoops.”

  Gavin narrowed his eyes, a slow smirk sliding across his face. “Whoops?” He set down his knife and wiped his hands on the dish towel before taking a step around the island. I grabbed another slice of pepper from the cutting board and moved in the opposite direction, keeping the island between us. “It was an accident. I swear!”

  Gavin jerked like he was about to leap toward me. I let out a surprised squeak and tossed the pepper at him. “I suppose that was an accident too?”