by C. M. Carney
Bläärt’s attention meandered from Lex to the others and he idly scratched his left butt-cheek. A wheezing burp passed his lips as he gazed at Lex’s crew. “Them be ugly ladies,” Bläärt said. “Except big tall lady. Bläärt like her.” Errat grinned at the compliment and a flush of dark purple moved across Bläärt’s cobalt skin.
“Well maybe when we come back, I, the Master, will let Bläärt spend some time with tall pretty lady.” Bläärt’s eyes snapped to Lex full of suspicion.
“Now, I know you am not Master. Master never let Bläärt make grunting with any of his ladies.”
“Psych,” Lex yelled, and a pathetic fake laugh burst past his lips. “Master will never let Bläärt be anything but a bläärt.” Lex waved his hands encouraging the others to join in on his mock laughter. One by one they did, and it was deeply painful.
Bläärt grimaced and put his hands over his ears. A commotion rose behind him and a bunch of other, shorter bläärts pushed their way through the door of the shack, knocking Bläärt off his feet where he face planted. The back of his kilt flipped up, revealing that his wooden peg legs were not legs at all, but stilts.
“Is it wearing stilts?” Simon asked, bewildered.
“Am no stilts. Bläärt am tallest bläärt and that why am leader of bläärts.” Bläärt scrambled like a turtle trying to turn itself over and after several seconds of struggle, regained his feet. Several of his shorter kinsfolk eyeballed him with suspicion, but none had the mental capacity to see through their taller comrade’s subterfuge.
Lex felt something tugging at his satchel and looked down to find another of the bläärts rifling through his bag. “Hey, cut that out.”
“Bläärt smells loots. Bläärt want loots.”
“Get your own damned loots. These are mine, I mean the Master’s, who is me.” Lex eyed the other bläärts, who were still engaged in their suspicious staring contest. “Quit futzing about and get us up the tower.”
Bläärt the bläärt grumbled. And then reached under his kilt. He pulled a small, dented bugle from under the filthy tartan and brought it to his lips. Lex sneered in disgust and Bläärt sputtered and spat into the mouthpiece. A noise like a dying goose pushed from the bell, and the cadre of small blue men scattered like ants doused by water. They ran to and fro but soon lined up behind Bläärt. The leader of the blue men thrust the bugle back under his kilt, fished about for a moment and pulled a large metal key free.
The bläärts marched forward, forcing Lex and the others to step aside for fear of coming into physical contact with the wretched creatures. Bläärt tapped the key to the huge lock, and a keyhole shimmered into existence. Bläärt tried to insert the key, but each time his aim was off, adding more scratches to the metal’s surface. Lex almost offered to help but suspected the Master would never lower himself to the role of a menial servant and waited.
It took several more attempts before Bläärt succeeded in his insertion and the lock clicked open. He stashed the key and motioned for Lex and the others to board the elevator. The platform bore two concentric rings separated by a short wall. It was clear that the inner ring was reserved for the Master and his ladies, while the outer, more rickety area was the bläärts’ station. The platform was built of long bones tied together with what looked to be tendons or perhaps sinews. It creaked under their weight as they stepped aboard but seemed sturdy enough.
The bläärts each grabbed a rope and began to pull. With an agonizing creak, the platform heaved upwards and their journey to the top of the tower was underway. Lex chanced a look skyward to find the abomination tumbling away from the moored airship, the victim of some random eddy in the clouds.
Perhaps our luck has turned.
A half-hour later, as they neared the summit of the tower, the clouds encroached. Flashes of black lightning arced through them, casting their eerie dark illumination. Mist flowed in leaving a greasy residue on their skin.
Lex wanted nothing more than to take a bath, his mind drawing visions of the large stone tub back in his chambers in Dar Thoriim. He envisioned Yrriel, naked, her fun bits strategically hidden by the water and the steam. For a moment, Lex was lost in the vision, but then a bolt of black lightning arced past him and slammed into the nearest bläärt.
The small man spasmed for several seconds and then, in an instant, grew a foot taller. Tufts of hair sprouting from its ears smoked as it locked eyes with Bläärt. The enlarged creature released his grip on his rope and tossed both hands over its head like a sports fan cheering his team’s score.
“Bläärt am now tallest bläärt,” the newly enlarged bläärt yelled.
Without his aid, the platform lurched to the side and sunk. The old ropes creaked under the strain and the other bläärts gurgled in complaint. Simon squealed in fear and Seraphine’s eyes widened. Even Vonn let a glimmer of concern push through his normal serene visage.
“No, me am tallest,” the original leader grunted and rushed towards the new rival. “Bläärt am tallest.”
“Nah, uh.” the challenger to Bläärtdom roared.
“Uh, huh,” original Bläärt countered.
Both bläärts raised their hands and began to slap fight. They stumbled and bumped into other nearby bläärts, causing the platform to lurch even more.
“Stop that!” Lex yelled, but the combatants burned with too much rage to pay any heed. Lex started towards the two blue idiots, but his weight added a further threat to the platform’s stability, forcing him to step back.
The newcomer, who by Lex’s approximation, was taller than the original, even with the faux height provided by the stilts, grabbed ahold of the original Bläärt’s forehead and stiff-armed his rival. Original Bläärt swung his arms ineffectually back and forth, desperate to land a blow and too stupid to realize he should go for the taller bläärt’s arms.
“I am Bläärt,” the newcomer yelled, sensing victory. The original roared and jumped up and down, trying to add another inch to his height. The impacts further tilted the platform, and the threat of a capsize grew all too real.
A cracking sound rose and without warning the bones under the taller bläärt’s feet splintered and fell away, dragging the challenger downward to his doom. Lex didn’t understand the quirks of gravity in the Realm of Chaos, but he was thankful that whatever force held sway had aided them here.
“Bläärt am Bläärt!” the original boss roared. He glared at the other blue creatures, reinforcing his dominance, but when his gaze fell on Lex, his eyes widened in fear.
“Do that again, and I’ll toss you off myself.”
“Yes, Master.” The chastised bläärt grabbed the closest rope and their lurching journey up the mooring tower continued.
Ten minutes later they reached the platform at the top of the tower. Lex and the others exited the rickety elevator. Simon fell to his knees and kissed the solid stone of the ship’s dock.
“You do realize that the bläärts don’t wear shoes,” Vonn said, looking down. “And evidence suggests they know nothing of bathing.” Simon retched, stumbled back to his feet and glared at the half-elf rogue. Vonn turned his back on the lich teen and gave Lex a sly smile. Lex held in a laugh, pleased that Vonn’s wit had found a new target.
They boarded the airship, a forty-foot long vessel that bobbed in the air like a boat at sea. To Lex’s untrained eye it looked like an ancient trireme without the ports for oars. Folded sails draped the boom of two tall masts, and several nozzles and a pair of propellers stuck out the rear. From the sides, a variety of oddly angled sails protruded like wings, rigged with an intricate rope and pulley system. Lex guessed they controlled the ship’s heading, but how was beyond his understanding.
“Lower the battens, raise the sails and draw in the mooring lines,” Lex said, hoping his orders sounded vaguely nautical. Bläärt stared at him blank-faced. Lex sighed. “Make boat go.”
Bläärt nodded and then gurgled and sputtered and hacked at the other blue men in Bläärtinese. Like a well-oiled m
achine, the bläärts scattered, each taking a task. Several ran to the lower decks, while others climbed the masts and unfurled the sails. Still more rushed to the mooring lines or pulled oiled tarps from a pair of harpoon emplacements.
Lex walked up the short set of stairs to a higher deck to find a metal pillar topped by a shimmering ball of crystal pushed up from the deck. Lex guessed this was the ship’s helm, but he was no pilot so he could not be certain. He hesitated to touch the glowing sphere, for fear the damned thing would send them lurching in some random direction.
“You know how to fly this thing?” Vonn asked.
“Of course, I don’t,” Lex sputtered. A fog rolled over the deck as the cloud cover grew thicker.
“You no Master!” Bläärt screeched at his side, making Lex jump. He hadn’t realized the impish little bastard had been standing there. “Bläärt knew you no was Master. Bläärts to…”
The rank little man did not finish summoning his men to arms, because a barb of bone exploded through the back of his skull and out of his mouth. Bläärt’s body went limp and Lex’s eyes followed the ragged tentacle upwards where it disappeared into the mists. Dread filled him as the abomination, now three times its original size and inflated like a blimp pulled itself through the clouds.
24
The monstrosity wretched and drew its tentacle tongue, and Bläärt the bläärt, back into its mouth. Its jaws crunched and swallowed. For a moment nothing moved, then panic took the other bläärts, who screamed, raised their arms and ran about like a kindergarten class confronted by a spider.
Bläärts ran into Lex and his gang, the masts and each other, brewing chaos far better than even the Princes had ever managed. The sound of chains running over gears rose from down below and the propellers at the back of the ship began to spin, slowly at first, but then with enough speed to move the ship forward.
One of the wee blue men bounced off Errat’s shins, spun away and then smashed full-on into the helm. The blow knocked the terrified creature senseless and instead of walking around the pillar, the idiot attempted to climb over the sphere, activating the ship’s navigational controls.
The ship lurched sideways. Several bläärts fell to the deck. Their survival instincts convincing them to curl into balls, like an unshelled armadillo. They rolled around the deck, smacking into masts, bouncing off and over bulkheads and cannonballing into the legs of Lex and his people.
Amidst the turmoil, the dire chaos abomination continued to wreak carnage. It sunk a pustule fired barb into the decking of a smaller boat tied to the side of the main craft, giving itself an anchor. Lex guessed it was a life raft, or perhaps a landing skiff.
The ship lurched again, and Lex slammed into the mast, bear-hugging the thick timber. He snapped his head back to the helm to find the imbecile bläärt still scrambling atop the sphere, screaming in a high-pitched tone.
“Dammit, that idiot will get us all killed.” Before Lex could move, Errat slid past him, arms held wide like a surfer riding a wave. He curled his left arm around the helm and grabbed the bläärt with his right. He heaved the blue goblinoid creature off the helm and the ship righted itself.
Lex wanted to thank the warborn, but the creaking sound of a strained rope drew his attention. He turned just as the moorings of the life raft snapped. The small boat tumbled end over end, dragged by the abomination’s anchor. Lex ducked and a rush of wind ruffled his hair as the boat sailed over his head.
It smashed into a pair of bläärts, killing the creatures instantly. The boat then pummeled into the massive abomination, shattering in a cascade of splinters. The abomination screamed in rage and another pustule boiled up from its skin and fired its barbed tentacle into the decking, just missing Seraphine.
Lex ran to the helm and stared down on the swirling ball with hopeless confusion. “I don’t suppose anyone knows how to pilot this damn thing?”
“I think I might,” Simon said, raising his hand like a kid in school. “Or, Dirge did.” The lich teen stopped and turned his head to the side as if struggling to remember a long-faded memory. “Back in Gypt, he worked on the pleasure barge of the High Priest. Some undercover mission as a ‘fancy lad.’”
Lex had no desire to unwrap the meaning behind the odd phrase and commanded Simon to take the helm. “We’ll buy you all the time we can. Just get us the hell out of here.” He rushed to the others and made a defensive bulwark between Simon and the abomination. “Let’s keep this fucker busy.” He raised both arms and unleashed a dual casting of Order Bolt. Vonn did the same.
A dozen knives of white light seared towards the monster’s bloated sack body, but a moment before impact a wave of deep-orange energy expanded from the creature’s body, forming a shimmering defensive field. The bolts slammed into the shield, doing no damage as they shimmered and then dissipated.
The beast roared and vomited forth a stream of red-black energy. It washed over Lex and the others. The taste of rotten eggs mixed with spoiled milk filled Lex’s mouth, dredging a trickle of bile up from his guts. His knees wobbled, and he nearly fell.
Debuff Added: Vile Putrescence.
You have been enveloped by a wave of chaotic energy. Your attack and defensive skills are reduced in effectiveness by 50%.
Duration: 1 minute.
Lex spat, trying to force the awful flavor from his mouth, but each hawked gobbet of sputum enhanced the horridness. Vonn’s face grayed and Seraphine fell to her knees. Errat, who seemed to suffer no ill effects, stepped between his friends and the floating abomination.
The pair of bläärts corpses crunched by the lifeboat rolled to Lex’s feet. He grunted in disgust and readied his best Beckham kick when Seraphine yelled for him to stop. Lex turned to her confused, but she ignored him and moved on hands and knees towards him.
Seraphine grabbed the bläärts and forced their mouths open. She pulled a vial of thick red liquid from her pouch and upended a half past each corpse’s rotten teeth. She creaked their jaws shut and then lifted and shook each corpse like a bartender making a martini.
“What in the hell are you doing?”
She ignored Lex. “Errat, Vonn, catch.” She tossed one corpse to Vonn and the other to Errat. Despite their confusion, both men caught the deadweight. “We need that bastard to eat these.” She turned to Lex. “And you need to ensure it opens its mouth.”
“How the hell am I supposed to do that?” Lex roared, confusion raging through him.
“I don’t know. Make yourself look tasty.”
Lex spun towards Errat and Vonn with arms wide. Both men shrugged, but turned towards the abomination, ready to toss their bläärt balls. Lex grunted in annoyance and waved his arms over his head. “Hey, asshole, over here.” A hundred eyes arrayed across the beast’s surface turned on him and a hiss pushed from its mouth. “Yeah, that’s right, look at me you disgusting sack. Get yourself some tasty Lex. I’m all basted and ready for chomping.”
The abomination opened its mouth and began its hacking-vomit motion again. Any second, a bone tipped harpoon would soon scream his way. He had to be ready. Dammit, why didn't I put more points into Dexterity? The beast’s mouth opened wider and like a frog seeking a fly, its tongue lashed towards Lex.
Lex dodged and then ducked as Errat and Vonn tossed the pair of blue corpses past him. The barbed tentacle missed skewering Lex by inches, retracting too fast for his eyes to follow. Errat’s bläärt was right on target and the abomination didn’t have to move to swallow it whole. Vonn’s toss was off the mark and flew past the floating monstrosity, but it lurched and snapped its jaws around the free meal. It choked both corpses down, buying them all a temporary reprieve.
A moment later, a pair of dull whomps reached Lex’s ears and the abomination expanded, as explosions burst inside its body. His curiosity peaked, Lex cocked his head to the side.
“I’d get down if I were you,” Seraphine said, ducking behind the main mast.
Before Lex could move, the beast’s mouth opened wide and a
torrent of muck filled liquid poured forth, falling towards Lex like a waterfall of toxic waste. The morass of innards, blood and digestive fluids splattered on top of him, slamming him to the deck.
He grunted in pain and disgust, grateful that his mouth had been closed when the slop enveloped him. Despite that small blessing, chaotic goop covered him. His skin began to itch and then burn. Frantic, he pulled his soiled robes over his head and used the clean-ish insides to wipe the slop from his face, eyes, and hands. He tossed the robes aside and watched as the chaotic sputum ate several large holes in the Order Magic infused cloth.
“What in the unholy fuuurffin grumpy was that?!” Lex roared, eyes snapping to Seraphine.
“Nectar of the Black Goddess. It makes corpses…”
“Explode?!”
“Yup,” she agreed, with no hint of apology.
“Ya coulda warned a guy.”
“I did.” She grinned at him and Lex became very aware he wore nothing but his underclothes. “Nice undies,” she said with a wink.”
“What made you think it would let it past its shields?” Vonn asked, desperate to draw attention away from Lex’s clothing malfunction.
“I hoped it was hungrier than it was smart,” Seraphine said with a shrug. Vonn nodded his approval.
“Errat does not wish to interrupt his friend’s chat, but it seems the abomination is not fully exploded.”
Lex peered up. Above, the abomination spun in lazy circles, still anchored to the deck via one of its barbs, and still very much alive.
“Shit,” he muttered and turned to Simon. “Kid, we need out of here, now.”
“I’m trying to man, this ain’t as easy as it looks.”
“I thought you said you knew how to fly this thing?”
“I said Dirge could fly it, and it was hard enough rooting around in that creepy bastard’s memories before his brain started rotting. Now…” Simon went silent and the kid’s dread became palpable. The body he inhabited was rotting out from under him and nobody, least of all Lex, knew what would happen if that process reached its inevitable conclusion before they got Simon back to the Barrow.
