The Vow: the gripping new thriller from a bestselling author - guaranteed to keep you up all night!

by Debbie Howells

  As I think of my parents, my insides feel knotted. ‘They were strict – and loving. They were a different generation. We didn’t talk the way you and I talk, but life was very different then. Then of course, my sister died.’ Swallowing, I break off, as a memory of her comes back to me. Hardly a day has passed that I haven’t missed her. ‘Your grandparents …’ Shaking my head, my voice wavers. ‘They were devastated.’

  ‘It must have been terrible, Mum.’ There are tears in Jess’s eyes.

  ‘It was.’ I break off, waiting for more questions, but they don’t come.

  *

  Over the days she’s home, Jess and I fall back into the way we used to be, before Matt moved in, watching movies and reality TV shows, Jess lying on the sofa with her feet up, dipping into the packet of crisps beside her. As I watch her, something niggles at me – about myself, because when Matt was here, all of this stopped and until now, I hadn’t noticed. Meanwhile, the other woman Matt was seeing obsesses me. Maybe she is the liar. Maybe she is deluded. Maybe Matt was trying to break it off with her, rather than me.

  Far from the celebration I’d imagined, the arrival of Christmas only brings more pain. The house is too empty, heavy with the weight of Matt’s duplicity, the knowledge that if he hadn’t disappeared, he’d have been with her. I buy a tree that Jess and I decorate, fill the fridge with festive food, for the most part trying to hide my feelings from her – but unsurprisingly, she sees through it.

  Wise beyond her years, she sits next to me, and takes my hand in hers. ‘It will get better, Mum. When something like this happens, it always does.’

  At some point over the fortnight Jess is home, I know the police will want to talk to her. They arrive one rainy morning early in January. After showing them in, I pull on a coat and go to my workshop, leaving them to talk. It’s an hour later, after they’ve left, that Jess comes to find me. Huddled in one of my coats, her face is anxious. ‘They asked questions about Dad. You don’t think he would have done anything to hurt Matt, do you?’

  I’d worried that talking to the police would stir up doubts, creating more questions there are no answers for. ‘No. I really don’t. I’ve told the police that, too. Don’t worry yourself. There are just questions they have to ask, to rule people out.’

  She’s quiet for a moment. Then she frowns. ‘It was weird. When they asked me what I knew about Matt, apart from where he worked and how long he’s been with you, I realised something. He never really talked about his life before he met you, did he?’

  Knowing Matt could be private about a number of things, I try to gloss over it. ‘Maybe not to you, honey. But he and I have talked about all sorts. I know about his past relationships and all that kind of stuff.’ But I’m not being entirely truthful. How many times did I dig beneath the surface, only for Matt to change the subject? I know only fragments of what came before. He talked about his previous relationship, a woman called Mandy, but that’s all. I keep my voice light. ‘Did you tell the police?’

  ‘I didn’t.’ Jess hesitates. ‘Do you think I should have?’

  Hesitating, I shake my head. ‘It probably won’t make much difference to anything. But if you talk to them again, if it’s bothering you, maybe you should.’

  But Jess is frowning again. ‘This Mandy … Maybe we should try and talk to her.’

  Shaking my head, frustration fills me. ‘There’s no point. Whatever’s happened, Matt’s gone. Whoever we talk to, nothing will change.’

  Chapter Eleven

  All the time Jess is home, I endeavour to put on a brave face, but when she goes back to uni, my mood dips. Unless it’s the police or Jess, I let my calls go to voicemail, wanting to be left alone. When Cath unexpectedly turns up, I’m less than happy.

  When I open the door, she stands in the doorway, the frown on her face indicating she’s clearly irritated. ‘I’ve been worried about you. You could at least have let me know you’re OK.’ She sounds more annoyed than sympathetic, but then she has come all the way from Bristol.

  I close the door behind her. ‘You know how it is. Jess was home over Christmas. Since she went back, I needed some time alone.’

  ‘How can I know when you don’t talk to me?’ Her voice softens. ‘I may not have wanted your help, but you were on my case the whole time I was going through it.’

  I shake my head. ‘You don’t know what’s been going on.’ I pause, looking at her – she’s my friend, she’ll want to know. And I can’t go on keeping it to myself. ‘I’ve found out Matt’s been leading a double life.’

  ‘What?’ Her eyes widen, then she frowns. ‘No. I can’t believe that.’

  ‘I’ll fill you in.’ As I start walking towards the kitchen, Cath follows me. ‘Around the time he disappeared, the police received a call from another woman – reporting a man missing. She had photos – of him, of them together. It was definitely Matt. Apparently, he told her he was about to leave me for her.’ I can’t keep the bitterness out of my voice. ‘He was waiting to find the right moment – at least, that’s what she told the police.’

  ‘Oh, Amy …’ Cath’s voice is full of sympathy. ‘No wonder you went to ground. But I wish you’d told me. Honestly, I can’t believe he’d do this to you.’

  Nodding, I swallow the lump in my throat. ‘Right now, I’ve no idea what to believe. There’ve been so many lies – about the night he disappeared, the time he’d been taking off work, presumably to see her. He’d even insured our wedding without mentioning it to me. He’d obviously known we were going to be cancelling it. And in all this, I still don’t know where he is. I don’t even know if he’s alive.’

  ‘He really is a bastard.’ Cath’s silent for a moment. ‘Do you have any idea who this woman is?’

  Feeling my jaw clench, I shake my head again. ‘The police won’t tell me.’

  ‘You need to find out – perhaps they could bring the two of you together? Between you, you might be able to work out where he is.’

  ‘I’ve asked. But the police won’t give out her identity.’ Not knowing who she is, eats away at me. Filling the kettle, I switch it on. ‘Tea?’

  ‘Thanks. This woman … she must know who you are – from Matt.’ Cath speaks bluntly. ‘Maybe she’ll turn up here – in fact, I’m surprised she hasn’t. She must be as curious as you are.’

  ‘It doesn’t change anything, does it?’ Fetching a couple of mugs, my voice is bitter. ‘If she’s telling the truth, he was planning to leave me.’

  ‘If?’ Cath sounds astonished.

  I hesitate, but only briefly, because I no longer have doubts. ‘To start with, I wondered if she might have been lying. She could have been obsessive – or a stalker even, doing whatever it took to get between us. But the police were never in any doubt that her story was more believable than mine.’ I shrug. ‘And now there’s too much evidence that she’s telling the truth. He was definitely cheating on me.’

  ‘What kind of evidence?’ Cath looks puzzled.

  ‘Photos and CCTV that corroborate her story,’ I say bleakly. ‘Plus there’s the time he’s taken off from work.’ I think of the lies he told me about seeing clients. My voice hardens. ‘But until he turns up, I‘m stuck without answers. Hardly fair, is it, when I’m the one he was supposed to be marrying.’ As my words tail off, there’s a lump in my throat.

  ‘Stop being such a victim.’ Her words are tinged with annoyance. ‘If this is true, he’s a complete shit. You’re better off without him.’

  My hackles rise. It’s too close to what Jess said. It’s also the first time she’s ever talked about Matt like that. ‘I’m realising that. But no-one actually knows the whole story yet.’

  ‘He’s cheated on you. That tells you all you need to know about him.’ Getting up, Cath starts piling dirty plates and glasses into the sink. ‘I can’t understand why you’re not furious with him.’

  ‘I have been angry. I still am.’ My voice is sharp, but she doesn’t understand my rollercoaster of emotions; how I swing
from fear and grief, to shock and denial, to raging anger.

  ‘You should be,’ she says pointedly. ‘You know more than enough to decide never to have any more to do with him.’

  But she’s missing something. ‘Cath. What if he’s dead?’

  ‘He’s still cheated on you.’ She pauses. ‘Let the police deal with it. Move on. Get over him.’ She glances around the kitchen. ‘I suppose all his clothes are still upstairs?’

  I nod, thinking of the clothes left in piles after I finished going through them, as I make two mugs of tea and take them over to the table.

  Coming over and sitting down, she shrugs. ‘Get rid of them – put them in the loft or something. Or burn them – he deserves it. If he was about to shack up with this woman, he probably has more clothes at her place. It’s not like he’s ever moving back here. If he tries to, you’re going to tell him where to go, aren’t you?’ She searches my face. ‘He deserves no sympathy whatsoever from you.’

  As I sit opposite her, I remember something else she doesn’t know. ‘The day after Matt disappeared, remember you came here for lunch? After you left, I went for a walk and while I was out, someone left a bouquet of flowers on the doorstep. It was massive, wrapped in layers of paper with the stems tied in a water bag – or so I thought. I took them inside, thinking they might be from Matt. Anyway, they slipped off the worktop.’ I pause, recalling the smell that reached me. ‘It wasn’t water in the bag. The police took a sample away. It was a pint of human blood.’

  ‘Jesus.’ Cath looks horrified. ‘Do the police think it’s Matt’s?’

  ‘They don’t know yet – they’re testing it.’ I look at her bleakly. So much blood. What kind of person would do that?

  She shakes her head. ‘I had no idea what you’ve been going through.’ She pauses. ‘You should come and stay with me for a few days. It would be good for you to get away from here.’

  For a moment, I’m tempted. But while so much remains unresolved, it isn’t the time. ‘I can’t – not right now.’

  I wait for her to try to persuade me otherwise, but she seems to understand. ‘Amy? You need to keep reminding yourself, that even if the worst thing has happened and he is dead, he’s still treated you abysmally. It’s incredible that you had no idea what he was getting up to. He must be bloody good at covering his tracks. You’d think there’d have been clues.’

  ‘I know.’ My voice is tight. ‘But I’d always thought I could trust him. That he loved me. I was stupid.’ But as I say that, her eyes shift slightly. Frowning, I stare at her. ‘What have I said?’

  But when her eyes don’t meet mine, I know there’s something she isn’t saying. ‘Nothing. Nothing at all.’

  In the past, I wouldn’t have questioned her, but with everything that’s happened, my instincts are heightened. ‘Cath?’ There’s a hollow feeling inside me as I ask her. ‘Did something happen between you?’

  Cath sips her tea. ‘No. Of course it didn’t. I’m your friend. I was in love with Oliver the scumbag, remember?’

  ‘You have to tell me.’ My voice cuts through the silence. ‘My entire life has fallen apart. If there’s something you know that I don’t, you owe it to me to tell me what it is.’

  ‘Jesus.’ Her face is ashen. ‘Alright. I will, because it will help you realise what a complete jerk he is – but it really was nothing. I came round here one afternoon to see you – it was after the first time Oliver hit me. You were out, but Matt was here.’ She pauses. ‘He asked me in – he could see from my face what Oliver had done. He was sympathetic, overly so, but I didn’t realise at the time. Inevitably, I got upset. He seemed so concerned. Then he put his arms around me.’ From the way she hesitates, I know there’s more.

  ‘He kissed you.’ I’m filled with disbelief.

  ‘He tried to, but I moved away in time. I was shocked that he’d even tried – it was the last thing I needed – or was expecting. I told him I wasn’t interested and to fuck off. Then I left. Talk about taking advantage of me at my lowest.’ She pauses. ‘Amy, I promise you nothing happened. You must know I’d never do that to you.’

  I believe her, but I’m staring at her green eyes and pale skin, the soft haircut, imagining Matt touching her. ‘But you never told me.’

  She looks stricken. ‘I thought it was a stupid mistake on his part. A misjudgement or a one-off. You seemed so happy. I wasn’t going to ruin the rest of your life for a fumbled kiss that didn’t happen.’

  But it’s not the point. If she hadn’t stopped him, it would have. How many other times, with other women, didn’t he stop? Getting up, I fold my arms tightly around myself as I walk over to the window, staring out across the garden before turning to face her. ‘You still should have told me.’

  ‘You’re right. Of course I should. And it’s not an excuse, but at the time, I was a mess, as you know. Love makes people act irrationally.’ She looks at me pointedly.

  *

  An uneasy truce falls between us. But after she leaves, more doubts kick in. She only told me what Matt did because I pushed her to. If I hadn’t, if Matt had been here, if our wedding had gone ahead, I would be beginning married life naïvely believing that I was the only woman in the world for him.

  The foolish woman, who still hasn’t learned from her mistakes. Already I’m regretting that I didn’t ask Cath more. Maybe something else happened between them. How would I know? When I used to trust instinctively, after Matt’s lies and Cath’s silence, I can no longer trust anyone.

  1996

  The scorching heat, those blameless blue skies, the banks of wildflowers, none of them assuaged your jealousy. Instead it grew like the bindweed in the hedgerows, spreading its stranglehold. Unmoderated. Unchecked.

  For a while, you held it to yourself. Welcoming the stabbing pain you felt. It came from loving. Such agonising pain that could only come from such great love. But he didn’t see you, did he? Instead he only had eyes for Kimberley. You couldn’t bear it, could you? The new pain that racked you, of rejection, twisting your guts until you couldn’t breathe.

  You’d waited so long. Been so patient. Waited for him to see you. But when he didn’t, you had to do something. In your world, people fought for what they wanted. Everything about your childhood had been a battle. It was how exam results were achieved, careers forged, relationships built. If you wanted them enough, you fought for them. But you forgot one thing. You can’t take love. Like the soft summer breeze, it has to be given.

  Jess

  It was easy to see why my mother was drawn to Matt. Good looking, he had charm; took her out for pub meals and to the cinema. Poured flattery onto her after she’d been alone, for so long. But as he inched his way into our lives, I was an annoyance, visible only when it suited him, incidental to his cause.

  When he came round to take my mother out, while she was upstairs getting ready, I’d catch him wandering around the house. If my mother was within earshot, he’d make an effort to engage me in conversation – about college, my friends, watching my mother brighten, flattered by his interest, taken in by the façade of his seemingly considerate ways.

  It was after he moved in that the changes started. The brands of cereal in the larder, dairy milk and cheese in the fridge suddenly appearing when my mother and I were vegan. Our comfy old sofas replaced by new expensive ones, the ugly painting he loved hung over the fireplace, the walls now country house shades of paint. The meat I was prepared to tolerate. Neither of us expected everyone to be vegan. So I kept quiet, until the day Matt cooked steak.

  Excusing myself, I went outside. I could cope with him eating it, but the smell of seared animal flesh revolted me. Even ten minutes later, when I went back in, the kitchen stank. Opening the window, I heard my mother say behind me, ‘She doesn’t like the smell.’

  ‘That’s a shame,’ Matt’s voice was smooth. ‘You should have some, Jess. It’s ethically produced. You never know, you might like it.’

  ‘No way.’ I flinched at his suggestion that an
y slaughtering of animals could be described as ethical. After serving myself some veggie casserole, I went and sat down, but something made me glance in my mother’s direction. My mother, who had sworn off meat since as long as I could remember, was cutting into a steak. ‘Mum?’ Incredulous, I watched her eat a piece, before cutting off another.

  For a moment, she looked mildly discomfited. But only for a moment. ‘Matt feels very self-conscious about the fact that he’s the only one of us who eats meat. I thought …’ Breaking off, she glanced at him. ‘I thought I’d try eating it again – only now and then. And Matt’s going to try more vegan meals. Aren’t you, honey?’

  ‘That’s right.’ He stared as I started eating. ‘In the circumstances, Jess, I’d suggest it’s only reasonable you do the same.’

  He had to be joking. But when I glanced at him, his face was deadly serious. ‘You are kidding.’ Putting down my fork, I glared at him. ‘I can tell you right now, that for the rest of my life, I will never eat anything that’s suffered in order to be shrink-wrapped in plastic before being served up to the ignorant masses.’

  ‘Jess, don’t you dare speak like that.’ I rarely saw her angry, but pinpoints of red appeared in my mother’s cheeks. ‘Matt isn’t ignorant. He’s no different to anyone else we know who eats meat.’

  ‘I think you’ll find he is.’ Shaking my head, I knew she was wrong. Matt was trying to control, manipulate, both of us – not because he cared about what we ate. That she couldn’t see it made it even more wrong. Getting up, I picked up my plate, sweeping the leftovers into the recycling, before storming out. On the way, catching Matt’s eye, I saw rage flicker.

  It was his first attempt to impose his will on me, the first wedge he tried to drive between me and my mother. The next morning, I waited for some kind of fallout. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d spoken to anyone in that way. But it wasn’t just Matt’s attitude that had riled me. It was the change of my mother’s heart he’d forced. No matter what her reasons were, I felt betrayed.