by Natalie Dean
“Are you?”
“Yeah.” He nodded, and his eyes focused in on her plush lips. “I am.”
The conversation lapsed as they finished eating, but not from awkwardness. The food was even better than he had expected, and it was nice to just be in the moment.
Ben had never realized how he used his work on the ranch to fill every minute of his life, always keeping busy so that he would never feel lonely. Plus, it always ensured that he would drop into bed completely exhausted. Chastity brought so much more to his life, and he knew he would sorely miss her when she was gone.
Unless she didn’t have to leave…
No, that was a dangerous line of thought, and he needed to leave it alone. He could cherish the time he had with Chastity, but that was it. To expect or want for more was only going to leave him heartbroken, and he’d had enough of that.
Eventually they both finished, and Chastity moved to take their dishes to the sink. He followed her, perhaps a little too closely, but the close proximity allowed him to smell her sweet vanilla bodywash and whatever magical concoction she used on her hair.
He brushed against her on accident as he placed his dishes in the sink, and the feel of her arm against his made his skin prickle. He wanted to reach out and pull her to him, to hold her so tightly to him that they fused into one. But instead, he leaned over and pressed a light kiss to her forehead.
She leaned into the gesture, her hands going to his chest where they rested, two points of heat against his torso. Once his lips pulled away, her face turned up to him, and he drank her features in like it was the first time he had ever seen her.
“You’re beautiful, you know that, right?”
“No, but I feel that way when you look at me.”
“Good. Then I should keep saying it.”
“I wouldn’t object.”
Carefully, he lowered his arms to where they just rested on her wide hips, then pulled her to him until they were flush. Her body felt so right pressed against his, like they were made to be perfectly fitted puzzle pieces, and for a moment, he rested his head on top of hers.
They stood like that for several moments, rocking gently to an inaudible music that they seemed to feel more than hear.
“I miss this,” she murmured into his chest, her voice a gentle and soothing vibration against his skin. “Being held by you.”
“I miss holding you.”
She hummed a murmur of agreement and tilted her head up once more, which made him lift his chin from her hair. They looked at each other again, and he was overwhelmed with the urge to kiss her.
But why even resist? They were two adults on a date. Surely a little kiss wouldn’t be too inappropriate.
He ducked his lips down, his eyes half-lidded with his own want, and he felt her push up on her tip toes, he drew in a breath, wanting nothing more than to crash his mouth to hers once again. His heart leapt into his mouth and his whole body ached for her.
“Chastity, the nurse texted me and said she won’t be able to make it tonight, but she can get us a replacement. Do you want that or can we just—” Mrs. Parker stood on the stairs and seemed genuinely surprised by his presence. “Oh, I didn’t know you had company.”
For the second time in a row, Ben found the romantic rise cut off by Chastity’s mother.
Oh goodness.
20
Chastity
It took all of the willpower in Chastity’s body not to turn around and snap at her mother. But she knew her mom didn’t mean to interrupt. She just had the uncanny timing of a Catholic school nun who wanted to make sure that nothing was going on between anyone.
“Hi, Mom,” she said, turning. “I told you that Ben was coming over for a visit, remember? You said you’d be up reading to give us some space?”
“Oh… I don’t recall that. But anyways, what do you want me to tell the nurse?”
Chastity looked to Ben, feeling a bit guilty again, but he smiled. “Take care of your mother,” he whispered, lightly enough so that her mother couldn’t hear.
“Tell her we don’t need a replacement. You can hang out with us tonight.”
“That sounds like fun!” Her eyes flicked to the dining room table and she clapped her hands. “Oh, is this what I’ve been smelling? You wouldn’t mind if I helped myself, would you?”
“Of course not. And do you mind if Ben and I have dessert while you eat your dinner? Since we’ve already eaten.”
“That sounds perfect, actually. It’ll be like a real family meal together. Like before…” she cut herself off again in that telltale way she had been doing for the past month. “Like before,” she finished without adding anything else.
“Yeah, that does sound nice. Why don’t you have a seat, Mom, and I’ll get you a plate.”
Chastity’s mom nodded and made her way to one of the unoccupied places. She sat down and texted the nurse. Chastity rushed to get her a plate and silverware before worrying about the dessert she had made.
As Chastity returned to the kitchen to get the desserts ready, her phone vibrated. She glanced over at where she’d put it on the counter. Her stomach lurched with excitement when she realized it was a text from her agent.
You got a callback!! Second auditions are next week. What day can you be back? I’ll set it up.
Her hands were shaking. A callback. This was the break she’d been waiting for to get out of her slump. She started to text her agent back that she’d make any time work, then stopped. Any time would not work. She wasn’t in New York. She was miles and miles away stuck in Blanche Creek. Taking care of her mother who couldn’t be left alone. Having dinner with the man who made her heart race.
Life wasn’t fair. Not at all.
She was going to have to think hard about this decision. She texted her agent. Exciting! I’ll let you know tomorrow.
Chastity brought out the desserts she had made. In addition to the huckleberry pie, she had also made a mousse. Hazelnut and dark chocolate, and she was quite proud of it. It had taken quite a bit of work and even more clean up afterward.
But how big of an accomplishment was it compared to getting a part in a show? Despite being distracted, she tried to put on a happy face.
“That looks amazing,” Ben said, as she served him a bowl back at his seat.
“It does, doesn’t it?” her mother added, looking over from her plate. “I can’t wait to try some once I get through dinner.” She took a large bite of the roast Ben had placed on her plate while Chastity had been busy in the kitchen. “Oh goodness, but this is certainly delicious too.”
“I’m glad you think so,” Chastity said, sitting back in her spot. “I had fun cooking it.”
While she still somewhat felt like kicking her mother for her poor timing, she did indeed love seeing her look so happy. That almost made up for not being able to kiss Ben like she really wanted to.
Almost.
“Goodness, Chastity, I should have you cook more often,” her mother continued after a few minutes pause to eat the fare she had made. “Maybe it’s a good thing your career failed in New York, so you can come here and feed me.”
Chastity paused in bringing her spoon up to her mouth. “It didn’t fail,” she said adamantly, despite having thought that very same thing several times to herself. But the text from her agent had given her hope. “I was just in a bit of a slump. I have plenty lined up for me when I get home.”
“Do you?” Ben asked, sounding surprised. “I thought it was going to be a bit until you returned.”
“Well yeah, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to go home soon.”
“Wait, so you’re abandoning me?” her mother asked, completely shocking her out of her good mood. “Why even stay here at all?”
“Mom, you always knew I was returning to New York. You too, Ben. I don’t know why either of you are acting surprised.”
“I’m not surprised,” Ben said slowly, as if he was trying to contain his seething emotion. “I just thought you’d be here for a few
more months.”
“I sure hope I’m not,” she blurted out before she could think better of it.
His face sharpened instantly. “What? Is staying here so painful for you? Are you so eager to run away that you’ll do it the first chance you get?”
“Why are you acting this way?” Chastity found her voice rising. “You said you understood.”
“Yeah, I understand,” he said. “But I thought that you were going to take your time and go when everything was taken care of here. I thought we had time. I thought—” He cut himself off, shaking his head. “What are we even doing?”
“We’re enjoying each other’s company. Why think any more about it?”
“We should think more about it because I’m falling in love with you all over again. And I thought you were feeling the same way about me.”
Her eyes went wide at the confession, and she felt such a strange mix of emotion within her that she could only stare at him for several moments. Guilt, affection, then anger, white-hot and choking.
Suddenly she was on her feet, and she didn’t quite understand how she got there. “Why is that my fault? I’ve been nothing but honest with you. I can’t stay here. The locals don’t treat me like I belong, and every time they look at me, I feel this overwhelming need to prove to them that I’m so much more than what they think I am.
“You said you understood. You held me in your arms and looked at me with those sharp, green eyes and promised me that you got it. And now you want to be mad at me for doing exactly what I told you I was going to do?”
Now he was on his feet too. But he wasn’t looming over her, threateningly like some men liked to do in an argument. Instead, he paced, running his hands through his sandy-blond hair. “Look, it’s not that you’re leaving. I get that this place isn’t for you. I get that I’m not enough. But to hear you talk about leaving as if being here with me, with your mother, is painful to you—that hurts. You have to understand that, right? Are we so repugnant to you that you have to run away at top speed?”
Chastity stared at him in shock. “Why would you ever take it that way? This whole meal was to show you how grateful I am for everything you’ve done.”
“You say that, but the look on your face just now when you reacted to staying for a few more months, that told me everything I need to know.” He looked to her mother, his face struggling to remain stern and not enraged. “Mrs. Parker, I apologize for my behavior. I’ll be going now. You have a good night.”
“Oh dear, did I say something wrong?” she asked, looking between them with the most confused look on her expression.
“Not now, Mom,” Chastity tried to say as lightly as she could before turning to Ben. “You walk out that door, and you will never see me again. We did this once, but we don’t have to do it again. I’ve been upfront with you this entire time, so you have no reason to be mad like this.”
Ben looked at her, and she could see emotions rushing across his face. An eternity seemed to pass between them before his uncertain face hardened—and he walked right out the door.
Chastity watched him, mouth agape, and heard his truck door slam before his engine rumbled off. She ran to the still-open door and slammed it closed before sliding to the ground in a heap.
She couldn’t help it—as she sat there, big, angry tears rolled down her cheeks. She hadn’t cried in so long, refusing to let herself give in, and now she found herself sobbing and hiccupping in a real mess.
“Honey, what happened? I’m so confused.”
Chastity heard her mother stand up and wobble over to her, but she couldn’t reply right away. All the stress and uncertainly and now anger were flooding most of her brain, nearly drowning her in her tears. She had known that getting close to Ben was a stupid idea, but she had never imagined that it would crumble so easily. Perhaps it was foolish, but she thought maybe they could part with the bittersweet sting of love lost rather than clashing like two roiling clouds in a storm.
Dang it, she was such a fool. She wanted to shake her fist at the sky and ask him why he kept doing these kinds of things to her. Once more, she felt her barely rebuilt heart shattering to pieces inside her chest, only leaving bitter shards behind.
There was a thunk, and Chastity realized it was her mother planting her butt against the door, so she could slide down to sit next to her. Chastity looked at her, questions in her teary eyes.
“Did I do something wrong?”
For a moment, Chastity wanted to scream at her that yes! she did. She wanted to tell her mom that her career hadn’t failed, and that she was going to make something of herself. That if maybe she and Dad hadn’t been so insistent that all she could do was marry and have babies that she wouldn’t be so set on breaking that mold.
But she couldn’t say any of that, because it wasn’t her full cognizant mother staring at her. No, Mrs. Ruby Parker was very sick, and this wasn’t the time to air out old grudges.
“No, Mom, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Okay, dear.”
She looped her skinny arm around Chastity’s shoulders, and the two sat there while the younger Parker cried out all the pain filling her.
What was Chastity going to do?
21
Ben
Ben threw a small hay bale from the top loft of the main barn down to the floor below. He tossed it a bit harder than he should have, and he heard Benji let out a colorful swear below him.
“Whoa, you okay up there?” he asked.
Ben didn’t answer, and thankfully, his brother knew well enough to leave him alone with his thoughts. His next brother in line, however, was not so gracious.
“Hey, Ben, any reason why you’re trying to kill us down here?” Bart’s voice had that edge to it of barely restrained anger. He had been struggling with that a lot since he came back, but he had been doing better in the most recent weeks. It all seemed to depend on whether he was having his night terrors or not.
But still, Ben grated at Bart’s words. He didn’t feel like talking. He didn’t feel like explaining. The only thing he felt like was an idiot.
He knew that Chastity was leaving. He even got it, on some level in his brain. But when he had seen her react to the idea of staying for a couple more months, like it was some awful torture that she had to endure, it had cut him right down to his core.
“Maybe if you all worked a little faster, you wouldn’t be in the way now,” he snapped.
“Wow. Cranky.”
“Leave him be,” Benji hissed loud enough for Ben to catch his words. “It’s obvious he’s having a hard time with something.”
“Yeah, but I’m just saying, shouldn’t we try to help our brother out if he’s hurting? Isn’t that what you lot are always tellin’ me? That we’re all here for each other?”
Ben sighed. He and his brothers had always been close, especially when one of them was hurt, but he preferred that kind of attention go to Bart, or Bryant, the two who really needed it—although for vastly different reasons.
“Look,” Ben said, leaning over the loft. But before he could get any farther, a loud whoop echoed through the space, startling the few animals that had chosen to linger around rather than go frolic in the fields.
His head turned toward the entrance to see an almost unfamiliar shape; that’s how rarely his youngest brother visited from the nearby city.
“What’s up, losers?” Bryant asked, lifting his hands in the air like he was at some sort of concert.
“Oh, Bryant, it’s you,” Bart said, sounding absolutely unenthused. “To what do we owe this visit?”
“Whoa, Bartie-boy. Surprised to see you up and about. The bombs not going off in your head anymore?”
Bart was quiet a moment, and Ben felt his anger spike. Trust Bryant to rile up what didn’t need to be riled. Clambering down the ladder, Ben arrived in the group of Miller boys just as Bart found his words.
“I’m going to the main house to see if Mother needs anything,” he said, striding off and n
ot so kindly knocking into the youngest brother’s shoulder with his own.
“Geez,” Bryant said, rolling his eyes. “What crawled up his butt?”
“Do you always have to be such a jerk?” Benji asked in exasperation.
“What? He’s been back for almost a year. Are we still to the point where we can’t joke about it?”
“PTSD is a serious illness. We may never be able to joke about it,” Ben said evenly. He was disappointed in his youngest brother, but unsurprised.
Being the littlest out of five had resulted in Bryant Miller being spoiled, and he was the only one that Ben would consider the leach of the family. He spent almost all of his time in bars and hotels of the surrounding area, sleeping with whatever young women caught his fancy, and spending tons of his parents’ money. Ben shuddered to think at how much money he had blown at the casinos and didn’t understand why Ma and Pa didn’t cut him off.
But they would just wax on and off about the prodigal son and how he would soon return to ranch life. Ben was not so certain.
“Ugh. How boring. This is why I don’t come around here anymore. You lot are always so depressing.”
“So why are you here?” Benji asked, a sigh implicit in his words.
“I wanted to check on my biggest bro,” Bryant said, smirking like he was oh-so-clever. “I hear that big ol’ Ben is chasing after the same ex that broke his heart all those years ago and made him turn against women.”
Ben paled at that. He hated being the talk of the town, and if there were already rumors going about…he hated to think about it.
“I haven’t turned against women,” he objected, trying to avoid the rest of what he said altogether.
“Sure, whatever you say. But that’s not what Madeline told me.”
“Who is Madeline?” Benji asked.
“Oh, no one you know. But I think Benny-boy here is familiar with her brother.”
Ben’s patience was wearing thin. He loved his littlest brother, but he was a right pain most of the time. “What do you mean?”
“I think you got into a bit of a row with him. Apparently, her brother works for a bank in the city. Some girl hauled off and punched him, and I heard that you were the one who diffused the whole situation by flaunting our family name a little.”
