Indefinite

by Corinne Michaels

  Oh, my freaking heart is melting.

  My fingers shake as I look at it until the tears are so thick the ring becomes too hard to see. I lift my gaze back to his, and then his palms are cupping my cheeks and his thumbs are softly wiping away the tears. My heart is pounding so hard I can’t breathe.

  I can’t go on this date without telling him.

  There is no way I can endure any kind of public . . . anything.

  Plus, he says he doesn’t want an end, but what if this is the end? What if, when I tell him that he’s going to have a kid, he sees that his entire life will alter and decides he doesn’t want it?

  Quinn grew up with an asshole father and a mother who wasn’t worth the air she breathed. He’s said time and time again that having a child when you’re not ready isn’t fair to the kid. Sure, I was ready and I would never be the kind of mother that he had, but I don’t think he is ready.

  I have to say it.

  “Ashton?” he calls my name while tears continue to fall.

  I wanted a date, but it’s not fair to do to him.

  “Why are you crying, sweetheart?” Quinn asks with a soft laugh.

  Because I’m about to ruin everything.

  My lips part, chest heaving as another tear slides down my face. “I’m pregnant.”

  His head jerks back as though he’s been struck. “Already? You went through with a procedure? Already?”

  Oh, how I wish it were that way. Then he wouldn’t look at me like I kicked him. “No.” My voice is soft and sounds deflated. “Not already. Not like that.”

  “But you . . . I was gone a few fucking days!”

  “Quinn, listen to me,” I say with more strength than I feel. “I’m saying that we’re pregnant. You and me. Us. It’s your baby.”

  He looks at me, but it’s more like he’s looking through me. As though the words I’m saying aren’t really registering in his mind, which I understand because I pretty much had my own out-of-body experience when I found out.

  Being told you’re having a baby when you weren’t actually trying isn’t easy to digest.

  Quinn’s eyes gloss over, and he doesn’t say a word.

  I move my hand in front of his face, but he doesn’t so much as blink.

  I think I broke him. Who knew? The guy who keeps calm in war has a weakness: unplanned pregnancy.

  “I’ll wait,” I say and then sigh.

  “I’m just . . .”

  “Yeah.”

  He shakes his head. “You’re sure?”

  “Yup. I’m sure. We’re having a baby.”

  His eyes open and close a few times as though he’s escaping whatever fog he was in. “Okay. A baby. I wasn’t expecting that.”

  “Oh, neither was I when I went to the clinic for the medication to get pregnant.”

  Quinn moves over toward the couch and then leans against it. “How are you feeling?”

  “Conflicted.”

  The word hangs around us, but at least it’s honest. I’m happy because I wanted a baby, and in a part of my heart, it has always been him I’ve wanted one with. He’s the man I would’ve built a life around, and here we are, kind of doing it.

  Just not the way we thought.

  “What about physically? Are you okay? Is the baby okay?”

  I move closer to him and nod softly. “We’re all okay as far as I can tell. I’m very early on. So much so that a home pregnancy test probably wouldn’t have picked it up. If one did, it would’ve been difficult to read and I would have still had to go to the clinic for confirmation.”

  He stands straight as though to move closer to me but then stops. “We didn’t use a condom.”

  “No, and I’ve been off the pill for a bit.”

  Slowly, a smile creeps across his face.

  “Why are you smiling? I’m a mess!”

  “I’m not,” he says after a second.

  “You’re not what?”

  “Conflicted or a mess. I’m . . . I don’t know . . . relieved?”

  Now, I’ve heard it all.

  “You’re relieved that we’re going to have a baby?”

  When Quinn moves again, he doesn’t hesitate as he takes my hand in his. “Yeah. I love you, Ashton Caputo. I love you, and I hated the idea of you ever having another man’s baby. Would I have done what you needed if it happened that way? Yes. Would I have fucking hated it? Yup. Do I love the fact that you’re going to have a baby with me? Yes, yes I do. The fact that I got you pregnant . . . I’m fucking elated. I mean it when I say I don’t want us to have an end.”

  I glance at the ring that sits on my finger, the one symbolizing a never-ending loop. In some ways, it is our relationship. We go around and around and never find the finish line.

  “I’m a little stunned,” I say with honesty. “I wasn’t sure how you’d take it, but relief or joy definitely weren’t high on my list of possibilities.”

  He brings his hand to my cheek. “Ashton, I’m a fuck up. We know this. I’ve given you every reason to distrust me, but I vow, right here, that I will be a better man. And if that man isn’t someone you can love, then know that I’ll be a good father to our baby.”

  That is the one thing I never doubted. “How about you just be you? We have about eight months to get our shit together one way or another,” I offer.

  “Are you happy at all, fragolina?” Quinn pushes a stray piece of hair from my face, tucking it behind my ear.

  His touch is so soft and reverent that my defenses drop. That simple movement is a tenderness I’ve yearned for.

  “I’ve been afraid to be,” I admit to him. He’s been open, honest, and maybe he has changed but I’ve been too defiant to believe it. “It’s what I wanted, I mean . . . I was willing to do artificial insemination to get a baby. But, to know it’s us and you, there’s a relief there too. I was scared of what would happen if you had reacted badly to the news, though. I didn’t want to be upset, so I sort of tempered my emotions around it.”

  Now, though, I let myself feel a bit more, and it’s overwhelming. My body is tingly and warm as I allow the fear to be replaced with optimism. He knows, and he’s taking it better than I ever could have hoped.

  He watches me, his eyes studying subtle movements, and a slow smile creeps across his lips. “And now?”

  Another tear forms. “Yeah, I’m happy.”

  “Good, let’s go on our date, okay?”

  “Where are we going?”

  “McDonald’s.”

  I burst out laughing, tears no longer filling my eyes. I’m pretty sure I just fell head over heels in love with him again.

  23

  Quinn

  I wasn’t really taking her to McDonald’s. I only ate it before because she pretty much dared me, knowing I don’t back down. She was so sure I would find my way out of it, and I loved watching her smug smile disappear.

  Now, though, I’m wondering if I shouldn’t cancel the Italian restaurant in the Theater District and take her for some fries. I will if it’s going to make her smile at me like that again.

  We head out of the building, and she slides her arm into the crook of mine. I do everything I can to not make it seem like a big deal, but it is because she’s touching me without me having to push her.

  “You know, the whole fast food thing was a joke, right?”

  She smiles. “I figured, but I was a little excited.”

  “Tonight is about you and us, and I want to spoil you a little, is that okay?”

  “Yeah, that’s okay.”

  The hope is that tonight will go so well that I can take her on a million more dates. I can finally prove that I have changed and stop telling her. Apparently, actions do speak louder than words, and I’ve been a little too slow on the uptake to actually do that when it comes to Ashton.

  And then I remember . . . we’re having a baby.

  Ashton and I are having a child. Not some random guy in a book, but us.

  When I was determined not to allow that to happen,
I didn’t think this would be the path we would take, but I’m happy it is.

  “Quinn?” she says after we get down the subway stairs.

  Jesus, I don’t even remember getting here. It’s as though I’m in a fog. One that’s filled with possibilities.

  “Yeah?”

  “Are you seriously okay?”

  I laugh once. “I am. It’s not exactly what I planned as the start of our date, but it’s all good.”

  She smiles. “No, I imagine not. What did you plan?”

  Most of the plan will still happen, so I don’t want to give too much away. She’s surprised me, so now it’s my turn. “You’ll see.”

  “Hmm.” Ashton’s eyes narrow. “So, you won’t tell me?”

  “Nope.”

  I have zero ideas if this is what she wants to do, and our friends were no help on this, but I dug deep to find romance, which isn’t hard in a city like this.

  So, here goes my best plan.

  We exit the subway and start to walk. “Are your feet okay?” I ask. She’s in heels, and I didn’t even think of getting a car service instead of walking.

  She looks at me with wonder. “Umm, yes, why?”

  “I can’t imagine those are comfortable.”

  “No, but I wear heels a lot, so I’m used to them.”

  “I don’t know how much walking you would want to do . . .”

  “I’ll let you know if it gets to be too much. I mean, it’s not like we’re going to stroll through Central Park, right?”

  I shake my head. “No, I thought about it, but I opted for something a little more glamorous.”

  Her smile grows bigger, and I take her hand in mine, lacing our fingers. My thumb brushes against the ring I gave her. I wasn’t sure what to get when I walked in, but when I saw it, I knew. I plan to get her other things in the future.

  Hell, I plan to give her so many of those blue boxes she can’t count them. However, I may want to pace myself since I’m about to be unemployed. I will officially be out of the navy in one month thanks to the meeting with Commander Thomas and Master Chief Schaffer. Between my medical leave and accumulated standard leave I’ve had banked, I was able to get an early discharge.

  Jackson and Mark have already guaranteed me a spot at Cole Securities. I’ll be handling a few protective and asset details, plus, I’ll be working as long-range cover for the bigger jobs.

  Ashton and I walk a few more blocks and make it to the restaurant a few minutes late. They seat us immediately, and I sort of dig the vibe here.

  It’s that old-school Italian where there is a rose and candles on the tables, and each table has a chandelier with a drapery on it to soften the ambiance . . . at least I think that’s why.

  “You know, I’ve always wanted to eat here,” she says as she looks around.

  “Really?”

  She nods quickly. “This is the place where everyone goes to before a show. It’s sort of a ritual.”

  I read that on the reservation site. All the reviews were raving about the food and proximity to Broadway, which is exactly where we’re going after.

  “Well, at least I can check another first off your list.”

  She leans back. “What else did you check off?”

  I go to say that I got her knocked up first, but then I remember that’s not true. That stupid dickhead who should be castrated did. Hopefully, the big firsts will be mine. I’ve already ticked one off in the form of a blue box. The others, like her having a child, getting married, living with a man, I want just as much. “You know one, you’re wearing it now.”

  “True. What else?”

  I sit there, a little stunned. “You know, I’m not sure. Had any other man taken you to Central Park?”

  She bites her lower lip while lifting her shoulders. “Just once.”

  “Okay, well, I’ve got Tiffany’s and now here.”

  Ashton laughs and takes a sip of her water. “I’m happy we’ve at least got this one—and the other.”

  “Me too.”

  It’s now my goal to check every last one off. I’m going to win her, come hell or high water.

  24

  Ashton

  Dinner is great, we keep it light because I honestly can’t think about anything heavy. I feel like that’s all we are—heavy. Everything with us has been overly intense, and I wonder how much blame falls on me.

  I wanted it all, and I wanted it now.

  I’m about to get all that I wanted and more than I could’ve ever hoped for.

  However, tonight has been great. He took the news of the pregnancy in stride, which is more than I ever hoped for. He’s been sweet and kind . . . and the ring.

  Infinity.

  The things he said when he gave it to me were almost too much.

  “Hey.” Quinn grabs my hand, covering the silver mathematical sign.

  “Sorry.”

  “Do you want to call it a night?” he asks. “I’m sure you’re . . .”

  “No,” I tell him quickly. I don’t want this night to end because I’m a basket case. Dinner made it possible for me to avoid thinking too much. We talked about Virginia Beach, our friends—especially Liam and Natalie. I have to remember to send them a gift for the advice they gave him. He told me a little about going to visit his buddies who are in rehab.

  When I look at Quinn, it’s sometimes easy to forget that he’s not as strong as he likes to pretend he is. He may be this big guy that everything tends to bounce off him, but I know the inside. The walls don’t come down often, but I’ve been there when they have.

  It’s hard to carry the world on your shoulders and expect them never to get tired.

  Quinn gives me a smile. “Good. Are you ready for the next part of our date?”

  “I am.”

  He stands and then extends his hand to help me up. “Who knew you were a gentleman?”

  “I have many hidden talents.”

  “I’m pretty sure I know the ones that matter.”

  “I’m sure you do,” he says under his breath.

  We head back out into the muggy New York summer night, and he takes my hand in his. It’s funny how such a small gesture can do so many things. It can be a sign of support and solidarity or comfort when you need it, but in this moment, it’s more. Quinn’s hand in mine is a sign of all of those things and a promise. He’s here. He’s holding my hand, showing me that he’s beside me.

  Maybe for him it doesn’t mean that, but it feels like it does.

  And I like it.

  A lot more than I should.

  “Where are we going?” I ask as we make a right onto 7th Ave.

  “You’ll see.”

  As we walk, I recall what I said about Times Square at night. I smile because even though I live here and I grew up in Jersey where coming to the city wasn’t such a big deal, I still love it.

  It’s a place you can see a million times, and it will never be the same experience. Sure enough, the lights get brighter the closer we walk.

  “I know you think this is where we’re going,” Quinn says as we get to the center. “But it’s not.”

  “No?” I ask with a bit of curiosity.

  I would’ve sworn this was his big plan.

  “Nope.”

  Okay, now he really does have me intrigued.

  We keep going, but both of our eyes dart around the space as the thirty-second ads move onto the next. Catherine once told me what her client spent on one of those ads, and I almost passed out. The cost to be seen by that many people is astronomical. Since then, I’ve done my best to pay attention because if they ever figure out it doesn’t work, then what would I look at?

  We keep walking and then make a right onto 51st Street. Broadway? No way is Quinn Miller going to take me to a show. There must be some other thing he has planned.

  “Are your feet okay?” he asks as I stumble a bit.

  “I’m fine,” I say with a smile. I love that he’s being so concerned, but I’ve walked miles in heels and
have lived to tell about it. Sure, I’m a little uncomfortable, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. His legs are so damn long that I have to take two steps to each of his one to keep up.

  “Here,” he says and then swoops low, lifting me into his arms. My arms wrap around his neck, more from surprise and instinct than anything.

  “What are you doing?” I ask with a gasp.

  “Taking care of you.”

  “Put me down.” Trying to wiggle out of his arms is useless. He holds me with the ease and security he would use to hold a bouquet of flowers.

  “You’re walking slow, which means your feet hurt. And you’re having my baby, so just hold on to me. I won’t let you fall.”

  So many things ping around in my head.

  I’ve already fallen.

  Please don’t ever put me down.

  God, it feels good to be in your arms.

  But, mostly, I wonder how I’ll get through tonight without being right back where we started. Me in love with him, hoping for a life he says he’ll give me but can’t.

  I know he’s saying all the right things, and I’d be lying to myself if I said I didn’t wish they were all true. Because, God, do I ever. I struggle to believe him because he’s said similar things in the past.

  He hasn’t ever turned in his discharge papers before, though.

  Or told me he loves me.

  Or bought me jewelry.

  Quinn walks with the same pace he was without having an extra buck thirty in his arms. We get in front of the Gershwin Theater, and he stops. “Here we are.”

  “You’re kidding me,” I say with a wide grin. “You’re taking me to a show?”

  “I am.”

  “And which of my lovely friends do I have to thank for this?” I ask.

  He shakes his head, nose brushing my hair. “None, fragolina. No one helped me with tonight. This is me, proving to you that I know you.”

  My eyes meet his. “And how is that?”

  Quinn doesn’t move his gaze as the words fall from his lips. “Italian food is your favorite, which is why we went there. Your favorite movie is The Wizard of Oz, and you can basically recite the entire movie.”