by A. m Madden
As she headed for the door, I panicked. “Don’t leave.” If she walked out that door, this fight would go on for days. “Stay here, be angry with me any way you need to… but do it here.”
Hope sparked when she plopped into a chair instead of walking away. “Jesus, Shane.” She stared at me hopelessly, torn between wanting to kill me and wanting to forgive me. “How am I supposed to process this?”
This time, when I approached and squatted before her, she allowed the close proximity. “I fucked up… but this is all on me. This may all go away and no harm done.”
“Or it won’t. People deserve to know what you did.”
“The only people I care about are you and my family. I’ll tell them. Like you, they deserve to know.”
“You only told me because my dad called you out,” she argued.
“No… I only told you today because he did. I planned to tell you eventually, I swear.”
“When? After you left?” My silence caused a frustrated shake of her head, and she pressed her palms into her eyes, refusing to look at me. “Go inside. I need to be alone.”
I stubbornly pried her hands away from her face to kiss her forehead. “I love you, Liv. No matter how dumb this was, the only reason I did it at all is because I love you.” With that, I left her to sit out there alone, respecting her request while holding on to the fact she’d stayed.
Alivia
The only reason I left my ass on that chair was because I couldn’t hurt him by leaving… even if I was furious with him. Besides, he was hurting enough.
Still, what the hell was he thinking?
Jesus, if that bitch found out, the crap she’d pulled before Jett would be nothing compared to what she could pull after him. At least one thing was for sure: I’d be prepared. In fact, I’d welcome her to try to mess with me.
Yeah, I got that he thought that dumb plan was a solution, but seriously? What the hell? There were so many things wrong with his little scheme, I didn’t know which to be angriest at. Probably that if it ever got out, the entire situation would make me look weak and pathetic.
I walked over to the glass railing, gazing at the view of the park I always loved so much. Usually it would calm me; today it did little to settle my frantically beating heart. Part of me knew it wasn’t all because of this bomb he’d dropped. Combined with him starting a new chapter in his life the next day, and leaving in a few short weeks, it all caused a level of desperation I’d never felt before when it came to us.
I couldn’t get past all the wrongs he’d just unleashed on me. Despite that long list, the one question that waved a blaring red flag was what would have happened if my dad hadn’t confronted him. Shane claimed he would’ve eventually told me. I tried not to harp on why I didn’t believe him. What did that say about me? About us?
Regardless, did I want to spend what little time we had angry and resentful?
No… I didn’t.
As I twisted the silver bangle on my wrist, I couldn’t remember a time I was ever this angry with him. And still my heart ached, remembering his pained look.
“Goddamn him.”
My cell chose that moment to buzz in my pocket. At seeing Kim’s name, I tapped to ignore the call. I had no plan to confide in her, or anyone, really… and my mood wouldn’t allow me to pretend something wasn’t wrong.
But because that had been the third time she’d tried, I shot off a quick text.
Sorry. Spending time with Shane. I’ll call you tomorrow.
The single thumbs-up emoji I received could only be interpreted one way. She wasn’t happy with me. Not because I’d left her apartment claiming a headache, but because I’d barely spoken to her in the days that followed.
If I explained the anxiety of him leaving, the doom and gloom I couldn’t seem to shake, and now the Molly crap my boyfriend had created, I wasn’t sure her advice wouldn’t be tainted by her own mood. That may not have been fair to my best friend, but I had enough of my own crap to deal with right now.
Eventually, my mom would be who I unleashed it all to. I was the type of person to keep it in and let it fester, and this time that could prove to be toxic to us. As it was, all the emotions and feelings I’d kept to myself this past week had already messed me up. Adding this new layer of bullshit on top wasn’t helping, and it had been only ten minutes.
And through it all, my heart squeezed, knowing that Shane was probably in his room right now shoving his hand through his hair and pacing.
Making my way through the large apartment, I found him doing just what I’d predicted. With his back to me, I remained silent, watching him worry. When he twisted around and saw me, his face fell, assuming the worse. The ache returned, and I became a little less angry.
“Hi.”
“Hi.” I closed the distance between us. “I’m really mad at you.”
“I know.”
“But I don’t want to waste time fighting.”
“Me neither.” He cupped my face while his eyes searched mine. “I’m sorry. I’m such an asshole.”
“Yeah… but you’re my asshole.” A smirk played over his lips before I added, “Promise me you won’t ever do anything like that again.”
“I promise.” He dipped his head but then stopped, looking unsure. “Can I please kiss you?” I couldn’t help but melt at his adorable question. Raising on my toes, I beat him to it and pressed my lips against his.
This jerk had my heart in a two-handed grip, and that gave him complete control over whether he’d treasure it or destroy it. Shane would never hurt me on purpose, but today proved even an unintentional fuckup on his part could wreck me.
Chapter Eighteen
Shane
Miraculously, she stayed the entire afternoon and most of the evening. I took her insistence on making us pasta for dinner as a good sign. She was so much like our moms in that regard, and I knew her cooking for me came from the heart. Despite the underlying tension, we managed to accomplish what I wanted for our day… alone time, sex, and just being together.
After dinner, we moved to the den, and she encouraged me to play some of Cannon’s songs for her. That also proved being with me and pushing aside her anger were more important… for now.
It was once she was alone with her thoughts that the hurt I’d caused would rise back up to the surface. Still, I had to give her space. She’d chosen to stay, and I needed to believe that she’d also choose to talk to me instead of letting her anger get the best of her. If not, I’d make sure she did.
A surge of noisy arguing from the foyer meant my family had gotten home from the beach. When my siblings came barreling through the door, Alivia visibly relaxed, probably welcoming the distraction. As she always did, Siarra went right for her, yapping a mile a minute over the volleyball game she and Trestan had won.
“You should’ve seen Madden’s face,” Siarra whispered, but not low enough based on the dirty look he shot her. “Beaten by a nine-year-old. Classic.”
“You guys cheat.” I couldn’t help but laugh at his accusation. The dialogue was no different than it had been years ago between Alivia and me.
“No one cheated,” my father said, coming through the door with a smile for us. “Did you two have a nice day?” When Alivia’s cheeks tinged and her eyes darted away, his smile grew enough to reveal dimples. The question was typical of Dad, but tonight it held a heavy weight. He had no idea what had really happened… yet. I would have to tell them soon enough. That reality caused my own eyes to dart away. They weren’t going to be happy.
“Yeah,” I said, avoiding his gaze before changing the subject. “I was just about to walk Alivia home.”
Just as we both stood, my mom was the next to join us. “Hey, kids.”
My flat “Hey, Mom” came at the same time Alivia offered a somber “Hi, Aunt Leila.”
One look at us and eagle-eyed Leila Lair tilted her head in concern. “Everything okay?”
“Yep.”
Mom’s curious gaze fixated o
n Alivia. “Liv?”
“Honestly, Aunt Leila, we’re fine. Shane was playing some of Cannon’s songs for me. I’m so proud of him, but sad he’s leaving soon.”
“Aww… honey. We are too.” A warm smile spread over my mother’s face. “Trust me, the time will go fast. And you’ll see him during the tour.” My mother’s glass was always half-full. She lovingly stared at me, and in doing so caused the guilt to swell with each minute that went by. That only piled onto the tension that remained between Alivia and me. It was all too much, and I had no one to blame but myself.
“Well, we’re taking off.” I needed to get Alivia home so I could do what needed to be done. The sooner I confessed to my parents, the sooner I could move on from this crap.
“Okay. Please be careful. Don’t forget to wear your hat low and take the back entrance.”
“I know, Mom.” It was the same drill every time we walked the block between our apartments. When we headed for the door and she stopped Alivia to tell her they would be having a girls’ day come Wednesday, I impatiently said, “Mom. You’ll talk to her in the morning.”
The way I rushed us to leave had my father chuckling before leaning in and whispering, “You know Liv’s folks are home, right?”
“I know,” I said with an eye roll.
He didn’t look convinced and clapped a hand on my shoulder. “Just warning you. Trey’s in a mood.”
Yeah… because of me.
“Thanks for the warning. Come on, Liv.”
After she hugged them goodbye, I practically dragged her out of the apartment.
Sensing my freak-out, once we were out in the hall, she took my arm. “If you want to talk to them now, I can have my dad come get me.”
“No. I’m walking you. I need the air.” And during the short walk not only did I ensure she got home safely, but I insisted on seeing her all the way up to her apartment. Obviously to stall for time.
The elevator slid to a stop and opened onto her floor. Instead of getting out she turned toward me. “Maybe you should wait until tomorrow to tell them. I’m sure you’re exhausted.”
“No, I want to get it over with.”
It was the truth. Why prolong the misery? I needed this crap off my chest. The only thing I’d need to worry about was if or when Jett dumped Molly. Now that Alivia knew, that probability didn’t freak me out anymore. If anything, my little stunt had lit a fire in my girl. Sure, most of it was directed toward me, but I would almost dare her nemesis to start something, just to watch Alivia rip her to shreds.
Taking her hand, I led her down the hall before stopping at her door.
“Good luck,” she said, staring up at me.
“Thanks… I’ll need it.” I leaned down to kiss her before saying, “Thank you for staying with me today.”
“There’s nowhere else I want to be.” In the depths of her ice-blue eyes I could see nothing but the truth in that statement.
Still, I teased, “Liar.”
“Shut up. I’m not as mad at you anymore.”
My lips quirked into a smirk. “Did eating your pussy do the trick?” Before she could respond, the door swung open, and there was her father. “Oh, hey, Unk.” My cheery tone received his narrowed gaze.
“Yeah, yeah.” His focus ping-ponged between me and his daughter, looking for some sort of sign.
“She knows.” At my admission, eyes identical to hers connected and held.
“He feels bad enough, Dad,” Alivia said.
“And I’m going home to tell my parents,” I offered as some sort of consolation.
His stern expression smoothed out a bit. “Okay. You’re doing the right thing, kid. They need to know, and they’ll forgive you.”
“I know.” I glanced down at the girl who we both loved more than anything. “As long as Liv forgives me, nothing else really matters.”
Telling my parents went just as I expected it to. I held nothing back, from my reasons behind the plan to my hopes on the outcome that I wanted. I even admitted that if it weren’t for Trey figuring it out, I really didn’t know if or when I would’ve come clean. Fear I’d lose their love, or even lose Alivia, was probably the underlying reason I’d kept it to myself.
For the first ten or so minutes I sat, accepting their troubled looks and words of disapproval. As Trey had, they scolded that I had no right playing with people’s lives as I had. I had prepared myself for it, but the way my heart squeezed in my chest with each stab of their disappointment contradicted that.
And then, slowly, they came around.
The last thing they lectured me on was my illogical worries that I’d ever lose their love and support. And in typical fashion, they waited for me to list the lessons learned from it all.
After I received a text from Alivia asking if I were okay, I called her to rehash the entire thing. She seemed fine. But until I saw her in person, it would be hard to tell. My girl knew how to play a part when she needed to.
Sometime during our call, we moved on from Molly and Jett to what to expect during the tour. Again, I couldn’t tell if she withheld any sadness for my benefit. I suspected the closer I got to leaving, the more I’d see her true feelings reveal themselves.
By the time we hung up, I was over this exhausting day, but once again my mind refused to calm enough to sleep well.
Come morning, my new bandmates had no clue that my head pounded from something other than having gone on a drinking binge the night before like they had. Sadly, it wasn’t beer or alcohol that caused the thumping pain behind my eyes. Nope… it was all the self-inflicted stress that tainted what should have been an exciting time for me.
We had a late start because of all the paperwork I had to get through. My parents had already reviewed it with their lawyer last week, and being eighteen meant I had to sign it all myself. Lori would be handling the press release sometime in the upcoming days, announcing my new role with Cannon’s band. Ready or not, this was now official and the world would soon know it.
Once we got going with the actual rehearsing part, I joined in without prompt during the first three or four songs. Somehow, I managed to lose myself in the music, play my new role, and do it convincingly.
Cannon was quite impressed.
He had wanted me to focus on a few of their hits for now and master them before we moved on. Today he found out I had most of their library already committed to memory.
I should’ve been more excited after a day of accepting compliments and hearing confirmations that Cannon had made the right choice by adding me.
By the time we stopped for a late lunch, I was starving. The three of them reminded me so much of my dad and his bandmates, especially in the way they insulted one another. But when they went off on all the things they were excited for once we left on tour, I suddenly felt every bit the kid that I was.
These guys weren’t my buddies, and despite blending with them musically, I was an outsider. They had history, and it was hard to see how I’d fit in. Clearly, the differences in our personalities were blaringly obvious after just one day. How the hell would I be able to live with them for thirteen weeks?
“The girls are gonna eat you up,” Lou said with a grin. “Did you tell him your rule, Can?” The way he asked that meant Lou wasn’t thrilled with said rule. At Cannon’s silence, he groaned. “No banging on the bus allowed.”
“Wait a minute…” Russell’s eyes lit up with some sort of revelations. “With Archie not coming, we outnumber you now.” He clapped his hands together like a child. “Three single dudes versus the one married chump will make for some fun times.”
“Nope. I’m the boss and my rule stands,” Cannon said, rolling his eyes. “Besides, Shane isn’t single.” The two of them stared at me as though Cannon had announced I was a leper.
“Time to ditch her,” Lou said. “You have no idea how much pussy you’ll be able to—”
“I’m not ditching her,” I interrupted. The man had six years on me but didn’t act like it.
“That’s what I said the first time I toured,” Russell said, adding his two cents. “That changed quickly. One photo of me and a groupie, and she dumped my ass. Saved me from doing the dirty work. If you don’t have the balls, just one week on the road and—”
Cannon barked, “Leave the kid alone!” When they both raised their hands in innocence, he went on to say, “Don’t listen to them, Shane. It’s a miracle their dicks haven’t fallen off yet.” Ironically, they were no different than any of the stories I’d heard about Devil’s Lair. I gave him a weak smile as he crumpled up his sandwich wrapper and tossed it. “Okay, let’s get back to work.”
We did just that, and I played my ass off. But the entire time my fingers strummed the strings, my mind reeled with unease.
The next hour went by quickly, and before I knew it Cannon had announced last song. Again, I played my heart out, referring to the sheet music only a few times. As the last musical bridge came to an end, I stilled my fingers on the strings, relieved day one was over. For some reason, it wasn’t as fun as I’d thought it would be.
“That sounded fucking awesome,” Cannon said with a huge grin. “You did great, Shane.”
“Thanks.” His drummer, Lou, and his guitarist, Russell, lifted their chins as an acknowledgment. If they thought I was nothing more than a dumb, inexperienced kid, at least they seemed to appreciate my skills.
After hours of being in the zone, now that it was over my limbs screamed in protest and my headache resumed.
Eager to go home, I snapped my bass case closed as Cannon came over. “It’s like you were born to play with my band.” The dude was such a nice guy I felt bad for not liking him on occasion.
“I really appreciate the opportunity, Cannon.”
“This will be great for you. I had no experience when my old label signed me. Because of it, my first tour had me feeling like a fish out of water most of the time. Nothing or no one can prepare you for living on a bus and moving from city to city like actually doing it.”
