by A. m Madden
“That’s what worries me.”
“What does?” His gaze held steady on my face, waiting for me to elaborate.
“It’s something I’ve wanted my whole life. I just hope I don’t screw up.”
Cannon shook his head and smirked. “You’ll be fine. Look how well you’re playing already—”
“Not with playing,” I explained. Cannon remained silent, trying to read between my cryptic words. “Just screw up in general… handling fans, shit like that.”
And there it was… what really bothered me about leaving. It wasn’t the work, or the part I had to play in the band, or even the fact I was basically a kid who would be living as an adult rock star. It was knowing all the crap that could come at me, crap that came with the territory. I knew damn well I’d never give in to any of those temptations. What I needed was to make sure Alivia knew that.
“Things get reported all wrong. It scares me,” I went on to admit.
He nodded when it hit him. “Ah… I get it.” Clapping a hand on my shoulder, he squeezed it supportively. “Don’t stress over the unknown or what you can’t control. As long as you stay true to who you are, you’ll be fine, Shane. Yeah?” Another nod on his part prompted me to do the same. “Good. See ya tomorrow.”
“Okay.” I said my goodbyes to the guys and walked out of my first day as a professional musician.
With my case in hand, I navigated the familiar halls of JLL Productions Studios, remembering all those times when I was a kid watching Devil’s Lair rehearse. I couldn’t wait for the day to come when I’d be rehearsing there myself. There I was, and the entire experience seemed anticlimactic.
Having some of the biggest rock stars in the world as parents, and as an extended family, should’ve prepared me for the life I was destined to have. But now that I had one foot on the threshold, I wasn’t as confident as I should’ve been.
As I pulled open the heavy glass door, I heard, “Oh my God… is that Shane Lair?” Caught off guard, I turned to see my favorite girl from where she sat on one of the black leather chairs in the lobby. I’d been so lost in thought that I’d walked right by her.
“What are you doing here?”
“I’ve been here for a few hours,” she admitted with a shrug. “Your mom set me up in the control booth so I could watch and listen. I got here just before you started up again.” Instantly, I wondered if she’d heard what had been said as we’d eaten, or even the last few minutes of my conversation with Cannon. If she had, I couldn’t tell when she said, “You crushed it today, Shane.”
My response was a kiss before I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and led us out onto the sidewalk. Seeing us, Alec nodded and opened the back door.
We remained silent the entire way home. I’d like to blame the lack of privacy, but by doing so I’d be kidding myself.
The probability she’d heard what had been said suddenly made our impending separation scarier than anything had before.
Chapter Nineteen
Alivia
On Sunday night, while Shane had spoken to his parents regarding the whole Molly and Jett thing, I’d had a long chat with mine. Dad had already shared with Mom what he had said to Shane. It wasn’t surprising that she defended Shane, or that she made sure I knew it was okay to be mad over the situation. It was how I handled that anger that mattered.
The next morning, I decided to see him rehearse and support him on his first day. He did mean well, and I didn’t want to spend the time fighting. Wanting it to be a surprise, Leila situated me in the dark control booth so I could watch undetected. They had just begun eating lunch, and I felt proud as Shane accepted praise from his bandmates.
Until the conversation took a sleazy turn. I should’ve left, but I didn’t. And the more I heard, the more nauseated I became.
Of course I knew that being a single male rock star on tour was synonymous with being a man-whore. It was the lay of the land, as was the gossip that would inevitably be written. I had no idea how I would react if it were directed at him, which had absolutely nothing to do with trust. I didn’t have a shred of concern that Shane would ever cheat on me. But was I strong enough to ignore it all? I didn’t know.
My true deep-rooted issue was what he would again be missing out on because of me. How could he know I was enough for him when I’d been the only girl he ever had? Whenever defending his slutty days, my father emphatically believed that every one of those women he’d slept with had eventually led to him being ready for a life with my mother and me.
If Shane only ever had one relationship, would he still be satisfied only having me come five, ten, twenty years down the road? I had no way of knowing that. But as unimaginable as losing him would be, wouldn’t the heartbreak be easier now than if there were kids involved later?
Regardless of my fears, I knew telling him all that or rehashing the regrets argument wouldn’t go well. Without a doubt, he’d lose it if I even tried to explain my reasoning.
All the changes coming our way scared me, and there wasn’t anyone I could talk to who would understand my fears… even my own mother. Her situation with Dad was entirely different in that it had been water under the bridge by the time they came together. We really had only one common denominator: loving a rock star.
Monday night, Shane had had a lot of paperwork to go over with his parents. After a quiet dinner with my family, I’d mentioned to my mother what I had heard his bandmates say. She’d listened to my rundown and then to what worried me.
“Sweetie, is it possible you have the same concerns of regret?” she’d then asked. My instant reaction had been to deny her theory. I loved Shane and knew no one could hold that place in my heart like he did. Things were different for him than me. I wasn’t destined for fame.
That question continued to haunt me through the night into the next day. I’d never regret loving him and only him, but would I someday regret making everything in my life about him if things were ever to end between us?
Yes.
Once Shane signed the paperwork, I felt comfortable telling Kim his news. Wanting to do so in person, I decided to invite her to our spa day. Hours of pampering with my mom, Leila, Siarra, and Kim were just what I needed.
During our pedicures, Kim caught me up with how things had improved for her since she and Chase had broken up. Chad from Boston had been keeping her mind off Chase. He’d actually wanted to come down last weekend to see her, but Kim had pushed to wait until they started UMass. She seemed different after the days we’d been apart. More at peace, and I was happy she appeared happy.
When I finally revealed Shane’s news, her shock was obvious, but in a good way. She was quick to say it was a matter of time before he was snatched up because of his talent. The conversation steered clear of the obvious emotional element that hovered over me.
Ever since she’d ended things with Chase, I’d tended to hold back on any relationship talk… or I’d tried, at least, to convince myself it was to spare her. Deep down, I believed the real reason I hadn’t told my best friend all the doubts and worries that consumed me was because voicing them could tempt fate. But by holding back, that had given Kim an open invite to fill in the blanks.
“He’s going to have the time of his life,” she had innocently said. I guessed I wasn’t as good at hiding things as I thought when one look at me had caused her to backtrack. “You know, by playing on stage like he always dreamed of.”
I’d forced a smile and a nod, but I couldn’t find it in me to respond enthusiastically. Instantly, connotations from the conversation with his bandmates reared their ugly head.
Needless to say, the distraction I had hoped spending a day with the females I adored never really came. Through the massage and facial, my mind wouldn’t turn off. So many changes were coming, but none that I looked forward to.
Just like my time with Shane continued to tick by, Kim leaving in two weeks for college made me sad for different reasons. That and finding out what my boyfriend considered w
as a great way to get Molly off my back had messed with my head.
While we scanned the lunch menus in the spa’s restaurant, there was enough conversation that my silence went unnoticed. That was, until my mom reached over and patted my hand. “Liv.”
“Yeah?”
“Leila asked you a question.”
Flipping my attention to Leila, I shrugged. “Sorry, Aunt Leila… I guess I’m so relaxed that I zoned out.”
“Oh, no problem, sweetie. I just asked if you met Cannon’s band.”
“No, I didn’t get to do that yet.” I hated those guys, and I kept to myself why. After hearing them pretty much berate Shane for having a girlfriend, I couldn’t exactly stroll in, wave, and say, “Hey, I’m the girlfriend.”
Leila nodded, looking concerned. “I had asked Shane if they were nice or not, and he gave me a very bland answer. Lori has told me some stories over the years about that crew… but I guess I have just as many I could tell for my own band.” I hated that way too many of those stories had to do with my father. “He did say they are very impressed with how much he already knew.”
“They were,” I agreed. “It sounds like Shane’s been playing with them for years.”
“Well, he has been practicing his heart out,” my mom interjected. “When will Lori unleash the press release?”
That held my attention. “What press release?”
“Just a standard industry statement announcing Shane has joined Cannon’s tour,” Leila responded. Like an idiot, I hadn’t even thought of that. Of course, he needed to be formally introduced to Cannon’s fan base. And along with that would come photo shoots for promotional materials and maybe even interviews before they left in a few weeks. Add in the fact that Shane Lair was the son of rock-and-roll royalty and things were about to get very real.
“When is it being released?” I tried to hide how much this tidbit had freaked me out.
“In the next week or so.” Leila tilted her head in a sympathetic way. “Are you okay, sweetheart?” All eyes focused on me as my mom placed her hand over mine.
“I guess it’s all hitting me now.” I couldn’t lie and pretend that I was okay. That reaction would only snowball the closer we came to his departure date, and the bigger the lie became the harder it would be to keep pretending.
“It’s a lot to handle, but you have us to lean on,” Leila said.
“Ugh… another rock star to deal with in my house,” Siarra grumbled. “Can’t wait.”
Kim and I exchanged a knowing look. It was hard enough to tamp down the fascination when Shane was just Jack and Leila Lair’s kid. Outing him as a working musician for one of the hottest solo rock stars in the world would catapult his popularity overnight.
“Sweetheart, can I give you a little advice?” I nodded at Leila. “If you go looking for trouble online or in the press, you’ll find it… and most of it won’t be true. Trust me. I’ve lived through it. Our first tour was very hard on me. Devil’s Lair already had a fan base, and they didn’t take me joining the band too well. Let’s not get into the maniacs that worship my husband. Those Lair Lovers can be downright evil when it comes to Jack. I was called every name in the book by most of the female population.” She shook her head and released a sarcastic laugh as my insides clenched with apprehension. “Hell, the things they made up were downright ridiculous. They’d go as far as claiming Jack slept with groupies on the very bus that I was also on.” Her pretty eyes widened in disbelief, as if it were just yesterday and not years ago. “And even knowing it wasn’t true, it was hard to ignore all the lies. I had no one I could lean on who understood. You have all of us.”
“That was the best advice you gave when we became friends,” my mom added. “There should be one person you trust to get your information from… and for you, Liv, that’s Shane. Communicate often, and if there is anything you want to know, ask him directly.”
“I will,” I said, when I really meant I’d try.
In the week that followed, Shane and I got into a routine. Even though I wanted to avoid overhearing stuff I didn’t want to hear, at some point each day I’d still pop in to watch Shane rehearse. Sometimes I stayed just for a song or two. A few times I’d been so mesmerized hours had flown by. On my insistence, he’d never acknowledge that I was there. I didn’t want to get him into any trouble with Cannon… not that he would. Shane was always extremely focused whenever he played, and especially so when performing with his new bandmates.
There were many more conversations about things Shane could expect while on tour… some regarding music, most regarding the women. Now that he knew I was sometimes watching, he also knew I had heard what had been said. Each time, he’d remind me he was there for one reason, to play bass guitar. He even joked I could buy him an e-reader and load it up with books, because he’d have a lot of time on his hands between shows.
Of course, he’d purposely shelter himself just to avoid giving the gossip world any reason to write crap about him. And his sole motive to miss out would be to spare me that agony. We’d both witnessed more times than not that it was often the ones left at home who suffered from misinformation written about a celebrity. The more malicious the story, the more money could be made. It all came with the territory.
At night we’d have dinner at one of our houses, play games with our siblings, or just retreat into his bedroom or mine to listen to music. When the weekend came, we hung out in the city, catching a movie or vegging out in Central Park.
Each minute of each day became a precious tick of the clock, and I tried not to take any of it for granted.
Forgotten was how we thought we’d spend our time during the weeks leading up to school starting. While he rehearsed, I prepared myself as best as I could for the move to NYU, which now felt so wrong. Pretending to be interested in shopping for my dorm room and the new clothes my mom bought me was a challenge.
That countdown to my next chapter suddenly had an entirely new meaning, and I tried not to dwell on why sadness replaced anticipation. I should’ve been just as excited with or without Shane being there with me, but instead I felt dread… and then, Lori’s press release hit the rock world and punched me with a reminder as to why.
A week after first learning about the announcement, we woke to Shane’s face and name gracing every media outlet—TV, online, the rock station that the car radio was currently tuned in on. He was everywhere.
Beyond reading what Lori had prepared, I tried really hard to follow Leila’s advice. It was harder than I thought. All I wanted was to scour the internet and see what was being said. Even Kim respected my wishes, keeping to herself anything she saw. Still, it was killing me.
And just like that, paparazzi appeared in front of his building. Jack instantly put security detail on Shane and me. We went nowhere without Alec or one of Oscar’s other guys.
It was a new normal for us.
Schoolmates were texting me links, and people I barely knew thought it was completely appropriate to message me on my social media accounts. Screenshots of nasty comments regarding Shane having a girlfriend made their way to my message box, and I had to witness my fair share of negativity on my own posts. Some of them hurt like a bitch, but so far I could handle it. And if one caused me to cry my eyes out, I did so nowhere near him.
As bad as it was for me, Shane had it a million times worse. Especially when news came via Kim that Molly and Jett had broken up. Even though it was all because of his own doing, the stress that it caused him broke my heart.
We expected it to happen, but on top of everything else it seemed like a cruel joke. Pretending to be shocked for Kim’s sake had been difficult. I hated lying to her. Except for our parents and Jett, no one knew of the deal Shane had made. With luck, Molly would leave for Florida, Jett would complete one semester before transferring to Penn State, and this whole thing would be behind us.
Above all else, being alone with him had been difficult for me. I hated the tension I felt between us. He assumed it was b
ecause of the Molly and Jett thing. For me, it was so much more than that. Pile on his sudden catapult into fame, and it added a whole new element to my angst. Avoiding it became impossible, and I knew it wouldn’t get any better with each day that went by.
It’d been a long, emotional week, one that felt three weeks long. Because of the craziness surrounding Shane, his parents thought it’d be a good idea to escape it all and join them at the beach for the weekend. Sure, we’d been exposed to this kind of attention all our lives, but being the focus of it was new to him… to us.
When Shane took their suggestion, I knew he was far more stressed than he let on. Normally, if given the chance to be alone with me, that would win over being surrounded by his family. Who could blame him? Personally, I also welcomed the distraction.
The first thing we did was change into our suits and head for the beach. No sooner had we lathered up with lotion and settled on the blanket than he fell asleep. Exhaustion between rehearsing every day and everything else he was forced to deal with hit him hard.
So many emotions flooded through me as I watched him lying peacefully beside me. He’d lost some weight, making his sculpted abs even more defined. His hair was a tad longer on top than usual, the highlights from being in the sun fading a bit under daily fluorescent lights. I reached over and skimmed a featherlike touch over his tattoo. He was so beautiful, both inside and out, and girls would soon be losing their minds over him.
Flipping onto my belly, I hoped for the same peaceful slumber my boyfriend had found. But it never came, as my mind continued to reel with one negative thought after another.
In just ten days I was due to move into my dorm room… and in just one month, he would be leaving on tour. I figured I had one option—ignore the nagging thoughts and find a way to deal with every insecurity I was suddenly drowning under. None of which were even an inkling of a thought in my mind a year ago. If someone would have said I’d be teetering on so many unknowns regarding Shane and me, I wouldn’t have believed them. Maybe I’d grown up a lot this past year, and with maturity came clarity that I never saw before. Or more accurately, clarity I refused to see before. Either way, I needed to figure out my crap, and quick.
