Your Guilty Secret

by Rebecca Thornton

  But then I remembered the house security cameras. I could log on. If he wasn’t answering the intercom, I could search for him that way. Detective Mcgraw still had my phone, so I opened up the browser on my laptop and logged in to the HomeCam website. I flicked from room to room with the cursor, but he didn’t seem to be anywhere in the house. But then I scrolled to the downstairs cameras, Joan’s part of the home, where Ava also had her bedroom. And there he was.

  Peculiar, I thought. He and Joan looked like they were talking. They hated each other. Or so I thought. Weird. I watched the back of his head and then he looked up, right at the cameras, and walked off. I thought about using the intercom downstairs to alert them to the fact I knew they were together, but something stopped me. I felt like I was being untethered in space. I couldn’t work out if things had taken on sinister overtones because I was in shock over Ava, or whether there really was something odd going on. And then I noticed a message flashing up on the screen of my computer.

  Warning: Security tapes have been removed from the hard drive, back-up copies available only.

  The hard-copy security tapes. Removed? Someone had taken them. Detective Mcgraw. It must be. After all, they’d taken the computers, phones, and my car. Everything. I tried to remember when there’d been a time I hadn’t been around to see what Detective Mcgraw was doing. He’d told me about when he’d taken the computer and my phone. I hadn’t even seen him go into the utility room. Perhaps he hadn’t wanted to give anyone any prior warning they were being taken for analysis.

  I couldn’t ask anyone, as I didn’t want to alert people to the fact that they’d gone, or that they were available and that I was even thinking of them at all.

  But then I thought about the swimming pool. The way someone had covered the annexe security camera.

  If someone inside the house had taken them, it meant they were trying to hide something. And if Detective Mcgraw had taken them for analysis, he’d also find out that someone had tried to cover up the footage of the pool.

  I sat very still, thinking about monsters under the bed. Except at that point, they felt like they were crawling all over my house.

  England, August 2004

  ‘What shall I wear?’ I asked Hannah, looking down at my jeans – ripped, but not in a cool way. ‘To the audition?’

  ‘Audition? Fuck, never thought you’d say those words so soon. You want to look done up but not too try-hardy. Don’t you?’ she said as we lay on the damp grass drinking wine outside her parents’ home.

  ‘I guess.’ I looked at Hannah, moonlight shimmering over her face. ‘I don’t know. That’s why I was hoping you’d help me?’ She leaned over and squealed.

  ‘Shall we go inside? Let’s look through all my clothes.’ She got up, sliding the wine bottle under her arm. ‘You can take whatever you like. Mum and Dad aren’t back till Monday, so don’t worry about them.’ I got up after her, and we went inside.

  ‘Come on.’ She opened the drinks cabinet and took out a bottle of Malibu. ‘Let’s go upstairs.’

  Her bedroom was neat, with fluffy carpets, and photo frames of her and her sister Mae, their faces drenched in sunlight, smiling and laughing in every snap.

  ‘OK. You.’ She pushed me on to her bed. ‘Sit down. Have you ever even worn make-up before?’

  ‘Nah.’ I touched my face. ‘Not really. Apart from when we went to Dancing Buddha. And you made me wear that mascara.’

  ‘Jesus Christ. You really are quite something.’ She opened her wardrobe, pulling out piles and piles of shiny black boxes. ‘Make-up course,’ she said. ‘I wanted to be a make-up artist but got the job I have now instead. Thought it would be a quicker way to get noticed.’ I think about her work as a receptionist at a nightclub and how she was going to pull rank there.

  ‘No wonder you always look so perfectly made-up,’ I told her. She got to work on my face, priming and powdering. She smeared an iridescent white cream over my cheekbones, then dabbed some juicy pink gloss onto the back of her hand, and patted it onto my lips.

  ‘Go mwah.’ I did as she asked. ‘God. You really don’t know what the hell you’re doing, do you? Right. Setting powder now, some mascara and eyeshadow and then we’re done. Look up?’ I blinked as she slid the black wand over my lashes.

  ’OK. Let me look now.’ She stepped back. ‘Fuck me. You ever seen yourself done up? Look in the mirror. Actually, wait. Let me get you dressed first.’

  ‘What? What do you mean?’

  ‘Nothing. Just that I think the camera will love you. Can’t wait for you to see.’

  She’d thrown a pair of jeans at me. ‘These and, hmmm, these.’ She chucked some high heels at me and an off-the-shoulder top. ‘These will look cool.’

  I slid them on, and then stepped into the black patent heels. I took off my bra and put on her top. She’d stood, puffing out her cheeks, letting out a long, slow whistle.

  ‘Jesus, you look – fuck. Look in the mirror.’

  She swivelled me round and we both looked at my reflection. I wasn’t expecting much. But when I saw myself, I felt a loosening in my chest.

  ‘I know you’re not meant to put any importance on looks, blah, blah.’ Hannah peered over my shoulder. ‘But holy cow. You’re gonna knock ’em dead. You’d better bring me with you.’ She cupped her hands under her bra. ‘I’ve only got these babies to work with.’

  ‘No you don’t,’ I told her. ‘You are beautiful.’ I wanted to look at her, but I couldn’t stop staring at my own reflection. I looked like those girls on the telly. Glammed and glitzed, spruced and shined and I opened my mouth to start humming my song. ‘If only I could, if only I would.’

  She rested her chin on my shoulder and we both stared in the mirror. ‘I know we haven’t been mates for long. But I’m so excited I met you.’ I thought back to the promotions job we’d both done for a party night at a club in Essex. How we both vowed that we hadn’t left our families behind for nothing and that we were going to find fame and fortune whatever the cost. ‘You did it,’ she said. ‘I really am gonna be friends with a famous person.’ She went on. ‘Just remember, I knew you before.’

  I wanted to tell her that she was wrong, that she mustn’t jinx it, but the words felt like velvet draped over my body and I stayed silent thinking about the audition and meeting the TV producers, and backstage and the cameras. And then she sighed.

  ‘And your voice too,’ she said. ‘You’ve got it all. Bitch.’

  I had it all, I repeated her words in my head. And I wasn’t going to lose it.

  Nothing was going to get in my way.

  August 23rd 2018

  1300hrs

  ‘I’m tired,’ Ava told me. ‘My tummy hurts.’

  ‘Have something to eat. There’s all the food for the press,’ I pointed to a table that was laid out beautifully with canapés on silver platters. ‘Just don’t touch the ones that have been styled. Look, there’s the vegetable tray.’ I looked at her stomach. ‘Have one of those. Not the carb stuff.’

  ‘Can you come with me?’ she asked. ‘I don’t want to go alone. There are too many people.’

  ‘Ask Joan.’ I looked over but couldn’t see her. ‘We’ve got an hour before the announcement so I’m just trying to keep calm.’ I nodded towards the huge cameras that would broadcast the live feed to millions. ‘Just don’t get filmed piling food into your mouth,’ I said. ‘Oh, Ava, I’m joking,’ I told her when I caught sight of her face and she crumpled.

  ‘I don’t want to do it,’ she cried. I pulled her out of the way into my study and thanked God that Manny had gone and that the rest of the press hadn’t been allowed in yet. I dabbed at her eyes with a piece of tissue paper from a small black and white mother of pearl inlaid table. I could hear Joan talking to Matthew in the other room.

  ‘What?’ I said. ‘What is it that you don’t want to do?’

  ‘I don’t want to do the announcement. With everyone watching.’ She had moved over to one of my office chairs. She climbed in
to it and span it round, her knees knocking the side of my desk. I walked over and placed my hand on the edge of the chair. I thought about Ava and how much she loved doing things for the public. How much she wanted to be like me. ‘Famous, Mommy, so that everyone knows me.’ And so I wondered why on earth she was behaving like this. The earlier debacle in the swimming pool had all been sorted in my mind and she had seemed happy enough after Manny left.

  ‘Stop,’ I told her. ‘It’s not a toy. What’s wrong? You’ve been like this all morning. You know what today means to me. Us.’ I swallowed.

  ‘My real dad,’ she said. ‘I want to know about my real dad.’

  ‘Now, Ava.’ I gripped the edge of the chair again wondering if Manny had managed to say something to her when no one was listening. ‘We’ve talked about this before, haven’t we, sweetie?’ I looked at my watch. It was nearing time. I thought about the hashtags gaining momentum. The way Conor had promised me that the media and public interest would be ramped up right about now. ‘We’ll set things viral about half an hour before. That way we know the whole world will be tuned in. And then bam!’ He’d wiggled his fingers right in front of my face.

  ‘I know you said that my real dad doesn’t want us. But I don’t want Matthew. He’s not my real dad and he . . .’

  ‘And he what?’ My voice sounded sharp.

  ‘He—’ I pulled out my mobile phone. ‘He— nothing,’ she said. ‘Actually, he’s a horrible man.’ She looked at me, her lower lip stuck out. I put my phone back onto the table. I had to play this right. If I indulged her too much she’d get worked up and ruin the announcement. Not enough and I risked her getting agitated.

  ‘Oh, you don’t mean that.’ I made sure not to ask her what she knew. ‘Actually, you know what, Ava. Matthew is a good man. He really is. You may think some things about him. But he is a good man.’ I couldn’t even begin to explain to her everything that had gone on. I thought of Matthew. How the things he’d been through had led him to act strangely at times, and now, after seeing what I had in the annexe, it all made sense. But despite it all, he was good.

  ‘Listen, darling. If I thought Matthew was bad, I wouldn’t be with him. I wouldn’t let you near him. Of course not. I’m your mummy. You know that. You might have seen things that look bad. But you don’t know the full story.’

  She nodded then. That’s all she needed, I told myself. Some reassurance now and then. It’s all anyone ever needed.

  ‘OK? You understand? So remember – it’s not Matthew’s fault that things are changing here. Change is a good thing. New beginnings. Listen, Ava . . .’ I pulled her hands towards me. ‘It’s always been you and me, hasn’t it?’ We both looked over at the photographs scattered around the room, her eyes in each one, shining out next to mine. ‘Hasn’t it? Am I right?’ She put her hands back in her lap. ‘So don’t you think it would be nice if someone else came into our family. So that we had someone else to look after us?’

  ‘But we’ve got Joan,’ she said, flicking a bit of cotton off her knee. ‘And Rosa and Marcy. They’re our family.’

  ‘Me,’ I tell her. ‘You don’t want me to be lonely, do you? What happens when you grow up, Ava. When you leave me? I’ll have no one then. It’d be nice for once to have someone looking after me.’

  ‘I look after you.’ She looked down into her knees, her voice small. ‘I try to.’

  ‘I know but sometimes I need more, you know?’

  ‘Do you love me?’ she asked. ‘Tell me the truth. Do you love me?’ I frowned. Where the hell was this coming from?

  ‘Yes. I love you. Of course I do. You shouldn’t be asking those types of questions, Ava.’ Matthew appeared at the door. ‘You guys, we ready for this?’ He looked at me first and then Ava. ‘Cos I’m ready. We’re gonna do this together?’

  Ava looked at me then, her eyes scanning my face so I bent down and whispered into her ear.

  ‘You wait,’ I said. ‘You wait and see what it will be like. And don’t forget. Our day out together. Alone.’ I grabbed her hand and lifted it into the air but she snatched it back. ‘Ava,’ I sang, but there was a warning tone in my voice. ‘Ava. Now come on. We know how to behave in front of our guests, don’t we?

  ‘I don’t want to. Matthew.’ I reminded myself that she just needed reassurance.

  ‘Look. It’s OK, honey. The swimming pool. Just . . .’ I flicked my hand. ‘Just remember, your day out. I can’t take you if you don’t cooperate with me now, Ava. So one more time. Are we ready?’ And she looked at me, her chin set forward. I held my breath, although I wanted to shout at her that we were actually keeping millions of people waiting. That this wasn’t a game, but I knew if I did, I’d scare her. And I needed her onside. The bridge of my nose started to tingle.

  ‘Fine,’ she said as I released my breath.

  ‘Yup.’ I held our arms up and waved them around. ‘We’re ready everyone.’ I pulled Ava along and I could hear Joan whispering from down the hallway. ‘Ava,’ she was hissing. ‘Come here. You don’t have to do this, you know.’ I wanted to scream, but we were in a public space and people were walking around carrying vases of flowers and chairs. I had no idea if the paps had started arriving for the announcement. ‘Joan, I’ve got it,’ I said in as firm a voice as possible. ‘Thank you. I’ll take it from here.’

  ‘She says I don’t have to.’ Ava looked up at me and Matthew was busy looking down, swiping his finger from left to right on his phone. ‘Joan says I don’t have to.’

  ‘Joan doesn’t mean that,’ I told her. ‘You’re coming with me.’

  ‘No,’ said Ava. ‘I want to go with Joan.’ She stayed right where she was with her hands on her hips.

  ‘Now come on, Ava, this is not like you at all.’ I looked over at Joan who shrugged her shoulders.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ she said. ‘I didn’t mean for her to go against you. I just thought I’d try and make her feel more relaxed.’ She squeezed Ava’s shoulders. ‘She seems, well, tense. Peculiar.’ It wasn’t like Joan to be so forthright about Ava. She was normally good at disciplining and guiding her without being too much in our way.

  ‘She’s fine.’ I thought of all the people waiting to tune in and then my phone beeped. Conor.

  Hashtag the announcement is trending. We’re all set to go. Live feeds sorted. Everyone’s geared up and excited!

  ‘We’re all a bit tense.’ I clapped my hands trying to lighten the atmosphere. ‘So, come on, Ava,’ I told her. ‘You’re the star of the show. You know that, don’t you?’ I looked at Joan, tensing my jaw. ‘So don’t please make her feel anything but.’

  She nodded at me and gave a small grimace to Ava, as if to say, Sorry, I tried.

  I took my daughter by the hand and I turned to Joan.

  ‘This is a happy announcement,’ I said to no one in particular. ‘So I hope everyone is going to be on board.’

  ‘I hope it’s a happy time for Ava,’ Joan said. She had no idea what we were going to announce as Conor had told us to keep it quiet but she still looked like she wanted to hurt me. ‘It is.’ I worried then that I was going to let rip. ‘So please help me with Ava.’ As is your job, I wanted to add. And then I thought about the vast amounts of money I pay her.

  ‘I will,’ said Joan. ‘And, Lara, I know you’re busy now.’ She started pushing her hair back from her face. ‘But after the announcement I really would like to talk to you about something.’

  ‘Fine.’ I hoped that would shut her up for a bit. ‘Ready, little one?’ I turned to Ava. She nodded and I could see she was back to her normal self again. I had never had this problem with her before. She was usually so acquiescent and well behaved. I knew it must all be down to earlier.

  ‘Good girl, Ava. You don’t want to show yourself up, do you? In front of millions of people?’ A look crossed her face then – terror mixed up with determination. It reminded me of myself when I’d been younger, back in England, and then I squeezed her hand. As I did so, I felt something col
d wrapped within her fingers.

  ‘What’s this?’ I said, lifting her arm up. I tried to uncurl her fingers but her grip was too tight. ‘Show me. Show me now what you’ve got.’ But she shook her head. It looked like a piece of metal. ‘What is it?’ I pulled harder but as I did so I saw some press walking past. They were all looking at us.

  ‘Well, we don’t have secrets in this house,’ I said, loud enough for everyone to hear. ‘But I’m sure you want your privacy. Just as long as it’s not going to hurt you, isn’t that right?’ I pushed her hand back down, thinking that I was going to find out what she’d got but that it would have to wait.

  ‘You’re just like me.’ I tried to distract us both against my own feelings of helplessness. ‘You can do this. OK? Just think about our future. Because that’s what we’re working towards.’

  I supposed I had to be grateful to Joan. Because if she hadn’t been here, Ava probably wouldn’t have played ball. But she was getting far too involved in Ava’s life for my liking. Manipulating every situation against me. I felt stuck. And out of control.

  ‘Come on then.’ My voice was shrill. ‘I say what goes on in this house, so you come with me.’ I looked up at Joan to see if she’d heard me, but she’d already gone, leaving Ava looking anxiously at the empty space she’d left behind.

  August 26th 2018

  2215hrs

  I scoured Media Spy for any details into the investigation. Nothing, apart from one new posting on the England thread. I clicked on it. There was no profile picture. Just a small avatar of a fork of lightning. There was no discussion, just a few question marks. Weird. I shut it down and contemplated going upstairs. Detective Mcgraw had told me I needed to sleep. I knew I wouldn’t be able to. But at least, if I did manage to get upstairs, and into my pyjamas, then I’d be able to pretend it was a normal night. That Ava was asleep downstairs. The rest of the house was quiet. Conor had gone somewhere. I hadn’t heard either Joan or Matthew in a while.

  But then Detective Mcgraw came through the door. Joan must have let him in. Usually the heavy front door made a loud noise and the beep of the security keypad would have gone off but today, I’d heard nothing.