Your Guilty Secret

by Rebecca Thornton

  ‘Oh, do I have to?’ Everyone laughed. She went down with Joan and everyone shouted goodbye. ‘You’re brilliant,’ came the cries.

  An hour later, Conor started shifting everyone out. Then he turned to me and Matthew who had been in and out all afternoon.

  ‘A quick look online tells me that, holy shit’ – he showed me his tablet – ‘we’re trending. Millions of people talking about it. Oh my God. People actually think you are already pregnant. This couldn’t have gone better.’ Matthew kissed me. ‘The lady of the moment,’ he said, bringing me close to him. ‘You’ve saved me. My heroine.’ We all laughed.

  ‘No, seriously.’ He looked at me again. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Well, you didn’t exactly help me out, did you? Earlier? When I had to come and find you.’

  ‘Darling, I’m so sorry. I am. I’ll make it up to you, I promise. I’ll arrange something amazing, just for us two. A surprise.’ The earlier anger had lessened after the success of the announcement. Conor punched both fists into the air.

  That evening, Conor arranged to take Matthew and me out.

  ‘A lovely celebration supper for the newly engaged couple. One shot of you two, together,’ he said. ‘And that’s it. Then you lay low, for the moment, OK?’ I nodded. ‘Right. Supper. Holly restaurant?’ he said, referring to the most exclusive place in town.

  ‘Let me just say good night to Ava. She did very well today.’ I had been expecting to see her all happy and pleased with how she’d done but when I made my way into her bedroom, she was with Joan. I thought I heard Ava say something about Matthew.

  ‘Are you sure?’ Joan was saying. ‘Don’t be daft.’ She had her arm around my little girl.

  ‘One moment,’ I said to Joan. ‘I’m just going to say goodnight to Ava.’

  ‘Fine,’ she replied and then she started, ‘Wait.’ She threaded her fingers through the front curly strands of her hair but they kept getting stuck. ‘Wait. Lara – I want to talk to you about Ava. Just a quick word.’ She pushed the door ajar so Ava was out of earshot, and lowered her voice.

  ‘Look,’ she said. ‘I had no idea that was going to happen. I find it quite surprising, actually. That you didn’t warn me. It’s a big thing, getting engaged. Ava’s out of sorts.’

  I wanted to ask her if she was sure she wasn’t just peeved she hadn’t known in advance about our surprise.

  ‘You think she was out of sorts?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said, a touch defensively. ‘I think you should spend some more time with her. It’s been very unsettling lately. And now you’ve gone and announced you’re going to get married in front of ’ – she threw her hand in the air – ‘all these people?’

  ‘Unsettling? I’m trying to do the exact opposite. I’m trying to create a settled family life for us all. Things were just fine before I met Matthew but now he’s in my life, I’m trying to make things work best for all of us. This engagement – it was part of it all,’ I told her.

  She looked like she wanted to say something then, but she pulled on her bottom lip with her teeth.

  ‘Fine, then maybe you can explain that to her? She’s only young. She doesn’t really know what’s going on. This is all a big change for her. And she keeps saying strange things. About Matthew. Saying that she wishes he wasn’t around.’ She faltered but I could see she wanted to continue. I wasn’t going to give her that opportunity.

  ‘I’m taking her out for the day on Thursday. Just me and her. So why don’t you take the day off. Treat yourself. You can go swimming. Sunbathe. We won’t be around.’

  ‘That’s good,’ she said. ‘But you need to spend time with her alone. Not as a treat. Just because you’re with her.’ She took a breath and her eyes started to water. ‘You’re her mother, you know. She needs a break from all of this.’ She guided her hand around the room. I followed her arm, tracking the beautiful artwork, the silver that had been polished and brought back down since the announcement. ‘She just needs to experience being a child.’ The space between us went heavy with silence.

  ‘When was the last time you hung out with her, when it wasn’t to do with work? Or your show? Or your . . .’ She looked like she wanted to be sick. ‘Brand?’

  ‘OK. Stop,’ I said.

  My head felt stuffed. I wanted to defend my actions but deep down, I knew it was true. I just didn’t need to hear it from Joan.

  ‘OK. Please have a lovely day tomorrow,’ I said, signalling the end of the conversation. ‘I’ll go and see to my daughter now.’ I hurried into Ava’s room where a heaviness descended over me.

  I felt angry with Joan. Don’t shoot the messenger, I told myself. Don’t do anything rash. Don’t get rid of her. You need her.

  ‘Are you going out?’ Ava looked at the wall behind me, unable to look me in the eye.

  ‘I am. Not for long. You did very well today.’ But she didn’t reply. I kept silent until eventually, she turned her gaze to me.

  ‘Why did Matthew do those things?’ I thought about the pool house. What exactly had she seen or heard?

  ‘Oh God. I don’t know. He’s acting. He’s an actor, remember. That’s what they do – test out scenes for films.’ I said, pushing her shoulders down. ‘Go to sleep.’

  ‘No. I saw. I saw what happened. He wasn’t acting. It was real. It really scared me, Mom. I don’t understand. I need to know.’

  ‘Look, Ava, sometimes things are just too adult to understand. And that’s all there is to it. Matthew’s a good man. He’s just had a tough time. We need to feel sorry for him,’ I told her again. ‘Look.’ I pulled out my phone. ‘Here’s what they are saying on Instagram about you.’

  I flicked through my Instagram account for her to look at but she barely moved her head. She just caterpillared her way down under the duvet.

  ‘Fine,’ I said. ‘I’m going then, if you want to be like that.’ I was still hurt from Joan’s words and I had begun to question my every movement.

  ‘No.’ Her head shot up. ‘Can you stay?’ she whispered. ‘Just for a bit. I hate the dark. I’m sorry. I won’t ask again. I promise.’

  ‘No,’ I said.

  And then she went on. ‘I’m hungry. I’m hungry.’

  I thought about the huge table of canapés laid out – all the delicious food she’d had access to – and the way she often said she was hungry as an excuse to stay awake, but tonight I wasn’t having any of it.

  ‘No, you aren’t hungry, Ava. Not after all that food earlier. You aren’t having anything to eat.’ She opened her mouth to speak but I held my finger up to her lips. ‘Shhhht,’ I said. ‘No more. Sleep.’

  I willed Joan to be quiet; she was outside Ava’s bedroom, opening and closing drawers, banging and crashing around.

  ‘OK but please, Mom, just stay.’

  ‘No, Ava. You’ve upset me. Do you see what happens, when you upset me? I don’t want to be with you.’ I felt all the emotions and nerves from earlier rise up to the surface. The things we’d seen at the pool annexe, me having to pretend it was fine. Trying to process it all in my head – the fact it had shifted my whole view of everything I knew into disarray. That I would have to keep this quiet for the rest of my life or risk everything. The announcement. Manny. The fear of Matthew not turning up. All of it was jostling for space in my mind and I felt my synapses on fire.

  She started to cry and I thought that she was about to shout for Joan.

  ‘OK then,’ I told her, getting up and shutting the door. ‘Five minutes.’ I felt bad then. ‘Oh, Ava, I’m sorry. I just had it all taken out of me today.’ I thought then that she was about to ask me some more questions about Matthew, so I shut my eyes and pretended to go to sleep. But then a few minutes later, I opened one eye and there on her side table was the outline of something heavy. Metal. My mind flicked back to what Ava had had grasped in her hand so tightly just before the announcement. I didn’t want to move an inch in case it disturbed her going to sleep. Every fibre of my being willed myself still.

>   Eventually I heard her breathing slow down and the light whistle of air fill the room. I leaned over and rested my hand on her head. She was fast asleep. I rolled over and pulled the object towards me. Weird, I thought. I recognised it. Perhaps some lucky charm? I strained my eyes against the light and pulled it closer towards me and that’s when I realised. The fob. It was the key fob to the indoor swimming pool.

  What on earth was she doing with it? Why had she been clutching it so tightly? I thought about waking her up but then I’d have to deal with the fallout and really, I had to get going. I slipped it into my bra and told myself to remember to put it somewhere safe, and of course, to quiz her about it first thing in the morning.

  ‘Night, my little girl,’ I whispered as I let myself out of her room. I felt the cool metal against my skin. I was pleased I’d found it but its presence near me made me feel even more uneasy. ‘Sleep well.’ I smiled at Joan.

  ‘Lara?’ she said. I turned back towards her.

  ‘Yes, Joan?’

  ‘Congratulations.’

  Ryans-world.com

  Entry: August 26th, 2245hrs

  Author: Ryan

  There’s so many crazy theories going on. Some people are still saying she’s run away. But if you want my opinion, there’s something sinister going on.

  Something’s in the air, no doubt about it. But the worst thing of all? This whole thing tonight seems to have turned into a massive, crazy-ass party. I swear there’s all these groups of people out with kegs, and everyone’s juiced up, and when I went for a wander earlier, there were some high-school dudes smoking joints. It’s like this has done something crazy to everyone.

  I guess I’m feeling it too. The craziness.

  Here with the latest updates on missing Ava King, brought to you by Lara and Ava King’s number one fan.

  Twitter: @ryan_gosling_wannabe

  August 26th 2018

  2300hrs

  Once the thought that I was being watched had been seeded in my mind, I couldn’t get it out. I knew there had to be a plausible reason for Detective Mcgraw asking about Matthew’s dad just after I’d been speaking about it to Conor, but the more I thought I was being watched, the more I felt my skin crawl. I wanted to go upstairs, but couldn’t move from my seat.

  Had Detective Mcgraw been in my study before I’d arrived? Surely I’d just watched too many drama series. I wanted to google it, to see if it was even legal, but I was even too scared to do that. In my heart, I knew that Detective Mcgraw would have done nothing of the sort. But it was too late. The idea had clawed itself into my brain.

  Anyway, even if I was being watched, I needn’t have cared. I’d been doing nothing wrong. ‘Stop,’ I shouted down the persistent thoughts, but they erupted even more. Maybe this is trauma, I told myself. I thought I’d been managing so well before and now I knew why. My body had been in fight or flight mode. And now, the gears had shifted.

  I managed to calm myself down by going online and distracting myself. I kept looking at the England thread on the forum to check it hadn’t changed. Open, flick through, close. I did this on repeat until my arm ached.

  ‘Lara.’ Conor appeared at the door. ‘I’m sorry. I’m going home soon for a rest. I just wanted to see if you were all right.’ I always teased Conor for looking young. But right now he looked like he was being dragged down by an invisible force. ‘Detective Mcgraw wants us to report to him now every time we do anything.’

  ‘Fine,’ I told him, not caring who knew what any longer, or who did what. My mind felt bruised. Conor walked over to my desk.

  ‘I will but, Lara, what the fuck are you hiding from me?’ He was leaning over me, right up close. I could see the thin hairs that he normally took such pains in shaving.

  ‘What?’ And then he stopped and covered his face with his hands.

  ‘Jesus. I’m fucking sorry. I’m sorry. I know. This thing – it’s like a beast and I know I should be more sensitive but it’s getting totally out of control.’ He rubbed his forehead. ‘If I don’t control it then I’m as responsible as . . .’

  ‘As who?’ I snapped. ‘What’s wrong with you? You’re a machine. You’re not meant to be behaving like this. Come on.’

  ‘I mean, just, I feel responsible. For that part of her safety. I know that much. I know that if I fuck this up, oh God.’ He leaned over my desk with his elbows right close to me. They were all chapped and raw. He normally looked after himself so well. ‘Fuck. God damnit, where is she?’ I started to cry. ‘It’s OK, Lara.’ He steadied himself. ‘It’s OK. They’ll find her. They honestly can’t not. Not with the number of people that know what she looks like. Or the amount of police presence around here. OK? I truly believe that.’

  ‘Do you?’

  ‘Yes, but, Lara, look, you have to help me out. You have to. I know there is something going on. Something you’re not telling me. The way you keep dismissing me when I ask. I know what you’d normally do.’

  ‘And what’s that, Conor?’

  ‘You’d tell me where to go.’

  ‘Conor, my child is missing. I don’t expect there’s any correct protocol with which to behave under these circumstances. Do you?’ I wanted desperately to tell him how scared I was. How I thought someone was watching me but I struggled to get the words out.

  ‘No. But it was those messages. Those emails I’ve been getting from England. Something in your face. Panic. I know you, Lara.’ I started to shiver. ‘I know your exact movements. I know when you don’t want to tell me something. I know because you have this weird smile on your lips. A half-smile. As though you can’t quite keep it inside but you know you have to. You’ve got it now. If you don’t tell me, it’s going to . . . Ava. I don’t know how else to get through to you.’

  I thought back to England and how he was wrong. It wasn’t going to help Ava. What was going to help Ava was what we’d been doing.

  ‘Look at the way the public reacted to my letter. About me being on my phone,’ I said. ‘That’s how we help her. More of that. Just let me deal with it.’ I imagined people finding out the whole truth. And then everything else leaking out, somehow. Matthew. The pool. Ava.

  I heard Conor shouting at me and the distant sound of a phone ringing. A samba, which felt entirely inappropriate.

  ‘Lara.’ He grabbed at my arm. I felt the press of his fingers around my elbow. It hurt. ‘Lara, what’s up? It’s Detective Mcgraw on the line. He wants to speak to you.’ He passed me the handset. ‘Lara. Come on,’ Conor was saying. ‘What on earth is the matter? You need to speak to Detective Mcgraw. You look like you’re totally dazed. Disconnecting.’ And then he took the handset from me. ‘She’s not with it,’ I heard him say, ‘I think she’s gone into shock,’ and really, at that point, I almost started to laugh. I felt it bubbling up inside me but then I went all cold, deep into my bones, as though my blood had frozen over.

  ‘Yes, yes I’ll just pass you over,’ he said. ‘I don’t know why she wasn’t answering the landline or her emails. She’s, no, something’s not right. Shock. I think. yes. No. Here she is.’ I took the phone and pressed it to my ear.

  ‘Yes?’ I said. I felt that dropping sensation again. The feeling that I had felt earlier today, when I realised Ava was gone. I credited myself with being so pulled together earlier. Now I knew why – this was on its way. I told myself to pull myself together. That Ava deserved my full attention, even if I could barely put one foot in front of the other.

  ‘I’ve been trying you,’ said Detective Mcgraw. I mumbled something about talking to Conor and then I realised I’d switched my landline onto silent when I’d been looking online. What if my little girl had been found and I hadn’t been there to answer the phone? What was I playing at? And the worst thing was that I hadn’t even been aware of what I’d been doing.

  ‘What is it?’ I asked.

  ‘I’m coming over to talk to you. That OK? I want you to get some rest. I’ll be over soon.’

  ‘Fine,’ I told
him. ‘Anything, though? Please tell me you’ve got something.’

  ‘We’re looking into all avenues. Those two guys from Bear Productions. We’ve looked into them. They’re clean. Just in case you were worried.’

  ‘Fine.’ I couldn’t stop fidgeting. ‘Thank you. See you in a bit then,’ I said, shifting around in my seat. I couldn’t get comfortable, or ease the sensation of dread in my stomach.

  When Conor left, I looked online again. Theories abounded about my daughter. Some ludicrous, some painfully realistic. And then I worked up the courage to log on to my official website, where I looked at pictures of us together. The beautifully crafted shots we’d posed for. Her with a rattan basket stuffed full of homemade pumpkin muffins. We’d done a video montage that day, with the ingredients sent to us by Eco foods. They’d paid us four million dollars for a year-long endorsement and Ava had been so happy to see her face and mine on the back of the baking box. A black and white photograph, her nose smudged with cream-cheese icing, me laughing.

  I scrolled down some more, except it made my heart hurt too much to stay on any one image for too long. I flicked through, briefly pausing over a beautiful black and white picture of her swimming. And then with a start, I remembered, the key fob. The coolness of it on my skin after I’d taken it from beside Ava’s bed, before putting it at my own bedside.

  I had the idea that I was going to return it to the key holder right that minute. My paranoia gave way to urgency. I switched off the laptop and ran upstairs to the bedroom, past Conor who was on the phone in the hallway.

  ‘I thought you were going,’ I said.

  He held up a hand to signify that he was busy.

  ‘You can stay,’ I told him. In fact, the idea of him here was soothing. ‘Please stay.’ I clasped my hands together and he nodded.

  ‘Shhhh,’ he mouthed.

  ‘I’ll tell Joan,’ I mouthed back and then I ran up the stairs. I was going to get the key fob and I was going to put it back. I didn’t know why. Just the mere existence of it gave me the creeps. It made me think of Ava and the swimming pool and the awful things that must have been going through her head.