Your Guilty Secret

by Rebecca Thornton

  OK, I will. I’m in the mood for havoc too.

  I had been thinking that I’d better come round from the medication before anyone saw me. And then I picked up my phone again and sent her another text.

  Just as long as the cameras aren’t watching.

  They’re always watching. Better get used to it now you’re mega famous. Someone. Is. Always. Bloody. Watching.

  August 24th 2018

  0900hrs

  ‘Here.’ Matthew handed over a plate of buckwheat pancakes. We each lay on a sofa in the living room, papers and magazines spread around us. Anthony had left us strong coffee and freshly squeezed orange juice on the counter, along with three jugs of cucumber-spritzed ice water in the fridge.

  It was warm in the house, but I had spread a large shawl over me for comfort.

  ‘Fresh and Wild made these, especially for you,’ said Matthew. ‘I went and collected them yesterday so we could celebrate. Here’s to’ – he pulled off a section of blueberry pancake – ‘us,’ then put some in my mouth. ‘Let’s go and get Ava and then I’m off for the day and night.’

  ‘Where are you going again?’

  ‘I told you. Didn’t I?’ I felt the familiar drag across my chest.

  ‘No.’ I tried to control my feelings. ‘You didn’t.’ I was cross, mainly because he hadn’t spent any time with us since the announcement, and I wanted him to connect with Ava, after she’d been behaving oddly.

  ‘I’m sorry. I’m going to Jenna’s. For the script run-through? Remember?’ Jenna was Matthew’s mate from way back who was now a casting director. I could sense Joan overhearing our conversation – the stall of her movements as she tried to listen.

  ‘Yes, I do. I remember now.’

  I turned to Joan who had been preparing Ava’s timetable for the following week at school.

  ‘Is Ava downstairs?’

  ‘Yes, she’s finishing off her study. I’ll call for her.’ She looked at Matthew.

  ‘Good,’ I said. I was getting sick and tired of the way she was behaving. Her mood swings and constant passive-aggressive remarks. I wanted to shake her and tell her that she’d made herself clear last night. That I understood what she’d been saying and she didn’t need to be so childish. ‘If you could go and get her, I’d be grateful.’ The tone of my voice was remonstrative.

  ‘She’s being odd,’ I said to Matthew after she’d left the room. ‘Any idea why?’ But he shrugged and put another piece of pancake in his mouth. ‘I hope there’s no sugar in these,’ he said.

  ‘Sugar? You really care about sugar,’ I started but I felt the pressure of his hand on my thigh.

  ‘Shut up,’ he said. ‘You don’t know who’s listening.’

  ‘Fine. Anyway, are you sure about Joan?’ I said. ‘You don’t know anything? She hasn’t—’

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘Now, quit. These taste sweet. Motherfuckers. I’m going to complain so much if there’s sugar in here. Oh, Ava.’ He chewed on his pancake. ‘hi.’

  We both looked over to see her clutching Joan’s hand. She was wearing a smocked pink jumpsuit and white espadrilles.

  ‘Ava, you look tired,’ I said. ‘I hope you aren’t getting ill.’ Joan raised her eyebrows at me in mock surprise.

  ‘She’s been a busy girl, haven’t you, Ava love?’ Joan reached down and tucked Ava’s hair behind her ears. ‘Very busy.’ Joan glared at me.

  ‘Right. Enough,’ I said. ‘Matthew. Ava. In the kitchen. Now.’

  Ava followed Matthew. She knew better than to argue when I spoke like that. ‘Joan?’

  ‘Yes, Lara,’ she said, facing the mantelpiece. She wiped her hands across the marble, around the BAFTA statue that we’d won for best documentary. She inspected her hands, blowing on her fingers. ‘Hmmm,’ she said to herself. ‘This needs a clean.’

  ‘Joan,’ I said again. ‘Do you have anything to tell me?’

  ‘No,’ she said, still trailing her hands along the ornaments. She started to walk to the other side of the room.

  ‘Joan,’ I shouted once she was at the other side. ‘Come back here. I need to talk to you. Enough. You don’t get to behave like this in here. You said your piece yesterday. If something’s troubling you, you say so.’ But she carried on looking around the room. ‘Look.’ I changed tack. ‘We value you so much. Ava loves you. We can’t do this without you. You hold us together but clearly there’s something wrong.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’ Her shoulders sagged. ‘I’ve been keeping it in all this time. I wanted to say something yesterday. When I asked you to spend more time with her . . .’ She walked back towards me and sat down. I moved over a bit.

  ‘What? What is it?’

  ‘It’s—’ She pulled a bit of fluff from the shawl, which I had kicked off on to the sofa. ‘It’s Ava and Matthew. You and Matthew. It’s not just you spending time with her. It’s more. Things are different. She’s being affected by it and I don’t know how to help her.’ And then she stood up and walked towards the mantelpiece, threading her hair through her fingers. ‘It’s not right,’ she went on. ‘And she’s been saying some odd things since the announcement. Really odd things. Something about you, Matthew, you at the swimming pool. All this weird stuff. It’s like . . .’ she trailed off.

  ‘It’s like what?’

  ‘It’s like the time the last kid I nannied for had watched a horror film by mistake. It had been playing on the television whilst his parents were having a dinner party. I wasn’t there,’ she added. I thought of what Ava had seen. How it had been like a horror film in itself.

  ‘And?’ I could hear Matthew in the kitchen, singing ‘Ain’t No Sunshine’. ‘What’s that got to do with anything?’ I yanked a thread off the blanket and wound it around my fingers.

  ‘Well, that’s how Ava’s behaving really. It’s not right.’ She started to rake her fingers through her hair again, harder this time. ‘I can’t describe it. It’s like she’s seen or heard something and she can’t get it out of her head. I think you need to speak to her. And she keeps asking about her father too. Her biological father and if he’s coming to get her. I don’t know why she thinks that he would. I’ve just been so upset by it. And if you don’t mind me saying.’ I could tell it was all coming out now. ‘I think Matthew should start behaving more like a proper father. If that’s what he’s telling everyone he is.’

  ‘Oh God,’ I said lightly. The swimming pool. I thought of the fob and the way Ava had clutched it in her bed. And then I thought that I should go and call someone to come in and change the locks to the annexe, so that I didn’t have to worry about it any longer and so that it couldn’t be used for anything like that again.

  ‘Probably something she’s seen with one of her friends,’ I said. ‘I’ll ask them to hold off screen-time. And I get your point about Matthew,’ I said, biting down on the flesh of my lip. ‘Any tips on how to welcome him into her life?’ I knew this would open Joan up, give her a sense of power, change the direction of the conversation. And it worked and then I could stop feeling so angry. I’d just listen to her drone on and zone her out.

  ‘Well, I’m so glad you asked my advice,’ she started. ‘Now, I’ve been thinking . . .’ and she did go on and on and on. I tried to listen. Really, I did. But my mind kept dragging back to the swimming pool and Ava’s face. As though the vision had burned itself on my brain, searing itself deep, like a thorn embedded right into her soul. I had tried not to think of it. To tell myself that all was OK with the world. That these things happened. Move on. Ava would be fine. After all kids are resilient little things. Joan herself had said as much only a week ago, when Ava had said she wanted the corridor light on.

  ‘These children,’ she’d continued. ‘They really do hold up a mirror to their parents, don’t they?’

  I had wondered then, what I was meant to see in myself, when I looked at my daughter.

  Ryans-world.com

  Entry: August 26th, 2330hrs

  Author: Ryan

 
You know when you see footage of crazy Justin Bieber fans, the Beliebers, crying, screaming, rattling their ribs for the boy himself? That’s what it’s like down here now.

  People have lost their shit entirely. The TV crews are giving off light but people are also here with head torches, portable lamps, the works. There’s a whole campsite been set up, not far from where the forensics were doing their initial search. It’s like some weird, fucked-up festival. Like this macabre, shadowy party where people are simmering with fear. Fear that something terrible will happen. But fear also that she’ll be found, and then they won’t know what to do with the news.

  I heard they are scaling up the search. Even more, if that’s possible, when you’ve got the entire world looking for you. That’s what Sky News is reporting. And I’m hearing more whispers about Matthew.

  The ‘Find Ava King’ video that the police did has racked up nine billion views. How fucking mental is that? That’s more than the three billion previous record holder: ‘Despacito’ by Luis Fonsi. How’s that for a bit of light relief from this nightmare that we’re all living. Because that’s what it is, isn’t it?

  It’s our story. It’s all of our story. It’s like she’s everyone’s little sister, Ava King. And we all need a bit of light relief now and then, don’t we? From the horror that this universe keeps throwing at us.

  Anyway – the response I’m getting for these updates has been a little bit crazy. You guys love them. I’ve had thousands of tweets wanting more info. So please, feel free to retweet and share the hell out of these updates. I’ll be broadcasting soon, too.

  Like a bat outta hell.

  Signing off,

  Twitter: @ryan_gosling_wannabe

  August 27th 2018

  0000hrs

  Detective Mcgraw stood over me, like a looming shadow. I felt like his presence was polluting the sacred space where my daughter was meant to be.

  I wanted him to leave, so I could go and search for the fob in Ava’s room, to see if she’d found it and taken it back. I needed to work up the courage to go in there, knowing she wasn’t in her bed. It’s OK, I told myself. I’ll pretend she’s at a sleepover at Misty Banks’ house. I’ll run down quickly. Look through her things. Tell myself she’d forgotten her favourite T-shirt for tomorrow morning. I’d grab that too, to make the scenario more real so that I could trick my mind into believing she hadn’t really gone.

  ‘Lara?’ Detective Mcgraw pushed the door ajar. I could see him, shifting from one foot to another. ‘Shall we go elsewhere?’ He took in the belongings strewn on the carpet. I looked down to check there was nothing too personal.

  ‘No. Here, please,’ was all I could manage.

  ‘Fine. Listen, Lara.’ He shut the door fully at this point. ‘It’s good we aren’t downstairs. Because I’m here about Matthew. I need to talk to you about him. In private.’

  ‘Again?’ I wanted to say, but I saw the look on his face. The tic in his left cheek. I could see the way he was now looking just above my shoulder but somehow, he’d be taking in everything about my face and my personal belongings.

  ‘You knew of his whereabouts during your phone call with him?’

  ‘Not this again.’ I started picking up everything I’d dropped. ‘We’ve been through it. Please.’

  ‘We spoke to Joan earlier,’ said Detective Mcgraw. I stopped and looked up at him.

  ‘And?’

  ‘She said she overheard you and Matthew talking. Apparently Matthew was telling you that he was staying with a friend the night before Ava went missing.’ Jenna, I thought. I prayed he hadn’t been lying about that. For all of our sakes.

  ‘We’ve checked that all out, Ms King and that’s all in order. He did indeed stay with Jenna Bromfield, who told us they were doing script run-throughs together.’ I breathed out. I thought about Jenna and her husband James and their twin girls, Dini and Della. I looked down again and picked up an old ornament I’d bought from Paris. A small ballerina that I was going to give to Ava but she had asked me to keep it by my bedside. I felt something in my chest, punching to get out.

  ‘So he must have told you where he was when he was on the phone to you?’ He kept his voice light. I sensed he was trying hard to control his patience. ‘You chatted for a while. Makes sense that someone would ask where their other half is?’

  ‘For the very last time, Detective Mcgraw. I don’t know where Matthew was when I called him. Now I need to go. I need to do something.’ I couldn’t keep my mind off the fact that I was going to search for the fob in Ava’s room.

  ‘Then can you explain this, please?’ He pushed a piece of paper in my direction. It showed a long list of telephone numbers, with three lines highlighted in neon pink. Mine. ‘Matthew told us he was at his friend’s house this morning after he left Jenna Bromfield’s,’ Detective Mcgraw went on. ‘Lucas. He told us afterwards he went to a raw juice place in Laurel Canyon Boulevard. That all fits. But—’ He dragged his finger across the paper.

  ‘But what?’

  ‘According to our records, there’s a whole lot of time when he’s not accounted for. His phone was off until the signal reconnects at just before midday when you called him, just before Ava went missing and he drove towards you. Except we can’t find any CCTV of his car. Ms King?’

  ‘Sorry, yes?’

  ‘Do you have anything to say? About Matthew? Where he could have been in that time?’

  ‘No. No. Ask him. Sorry. I don’t.’ I nearly pushed Detective Mcgraw out of the way but he sidestepped in front of me, his shoulders squared.

  ‘Ms King. Please. I need your cooperation here. If you are hiding something from us, if you are in any way covering something up for Matthew Raine . . .’

  Then what? I wanted to ask. ‘If he was in any way doing anything’ – he coughed – ‘“unsuitable”,’ we need to know.’ I thought of Joan again and whether she’d been talking. ‘Because there’s more,’ he said. I knew what was coming.

  ‘We’ve been analysing all your security tapes. There’s footage. From the day of the announcement three days ago that has been tampered with. I’d like to ask you if you knew what was happening in the indoor swimming pool annexe on that day.’

  I thought I heard movement outside the room. We both looked towards the door but it went silent. I slid my hands across the carpet. So warm and fluffy. Ava loved to lie on it and stretch out her arms and legs, leaving her imprint in the fibres, like a small snow angel.

  ‘Annexe?’ I coughed. ‘The swimming pool annexe?’ I thought about Conor telling me he knew when I was up to something. The smile that played out on my lips and I worked hard at keeping my mouth in a straight line. ‘What do you mean? Anything to do with the staff?’ I played dumb. ‘The events staff?’

  ‘We don’t know what was going on but someone deliberately obstructed the view of that security camera from ten that morning. We’re going to be asking everyone if they saw anything.’ If he found out that either Ava or I had seen what was going on, that would be it.

  ‘My team are on it, though,’ he said. ‘Looking closely at the blank footage and what happened at exactly the moment the cameras were tampered with. You’d be absolutely amazed at what goes on these days in telecommunications forensics. How much information we can pull from seemingly nothing.’

  I wanted to tell Detective Mcgraw at this point not to antagonise me but I was scared then at what they might find. If somehow they were going to trace my and Ava’s route to the pool via the security footage. I mentally calculated where the security cameras were in the property and I didn’t think there were any leading up to the annexe from a certain point in garden but I couldn’t be sure. And this was when I realised that it was all getting out of hand. That I couldn’t come clean now. It would look too bad that I hadn’t admitted it all before. I had to keep going and pray that Ava would be home soon so I could put this whole sorry nightmare to bed.

  ‘OK,’ he said. ‘I’m going now. I suggest you get some sleep. I’ll
bring him back later.’

  ‘Bring him back? Who?’ He nodded towards a large photograph on the wall. I looked over to a huge black-and-white image of my husband-to-be.

  ‘Matthew,’ he said. It was only when he’d gone, that I realised what he’d meant. The missing time. Matthew was in trouble And I hadn’t even had the chance to say goodbye.

  England, December 2004

  Be Squared nightclub. I was ready for the night out. All charged up from the shouts and flashes of the paparazzi. ‘Lara. Over here. Lara.’ There were crowds of them. Blue flashes threaded my vision. I’d dressed up and despite the freezing temperatures, I didn’t feel the cold. After the beauty treatments, I felt like a million dollars. New dress, new face. I lifted my chin to show off the large diamond necklace that had been loaned to me by Lavelli jeweller’s. I could see the light sparkling off it. I held my hand up to it, smiled. Chin up.

  ‘Lara! Lara!’

  They felt good, sitting heavy on my skin. Just right. I had been told to have security with me if I was going to wear them in public, but there wasn’t a moment that I was going to be alone.

  I was taken through to the VIP section by the manager. He led me in, pulling back the red curtain.

  ‘Security here,’ he said. ‘Lots of them so you’re in good hands.’ And then he stopped and stared at me. ‘But you’ll probably need your own protection soon judging by this lot.’

  ‘Oh and by the way.’ He leaned towards my ear. ‘We’ve got others coming in later. Justin, Usher, the works. They all like their privacy. Just so you know, this bit. There’s no cameras here. Nothing. You can do what you’ – he looked around him and then back at me – ‘want without anyone, you know. So, just get your friends in and come back, yeah?’ His hair had smelled of sweet lime, all slick and shiny under the laser lights.

  It was dark in the VIP room, but I spotted Ben’s outline first. Shoulders rounded, a white cap on his head. The first time he’d been out since the baby was born. He was holding someone’s hand. I squinted towards them and realised it must be Kaycee. I’d seen her in the photograph Ben kept in his wallet but in real life she was so much prettier. She looked up, eyes shining, arms open.