Your Guilty Secret

by Rebecca Thornton

  Ryans-world.com

  Entry: August 27th, 0830hrs

  Author: Ryan

  First and foremost, I’d like to say a massive, massive thank you to everyone who has contributed to this so far. I’d like to say that I’m not paying for people’s tip-offs and sources as of yet. This blog was created out of a love for Ava and Lara King and so any tips that come through are taken with the same sense of gratitude and willingness to share – the same spirit in which this project was started.

  Secondly, I’ve been talking to people on the ground all night. I know it’s a scorcher today. But last night when I did the rounds – wow. It was pitch-black at about four in the morning and there were still kids camped out drinking and waiting. Then, the hardier among you were still out with torches and supplies, still searching each path and under each bush in the canyon. ‘For anything at all that might lead us to her. We’d want everyone to do the same if it were our kids,’ said Peter Manray, 57. ‘If any of you would like to donate food or water there’s a campervan parked up by Laurel Canyon.’

  As far as the investigation is concerned, I can tell you that tempers are frayed in the LA Times’ office. Manny Berkowitz has a scoop that the editors say is not ‘in the paper’s best interest’ to run just yet. What is it? I hear you ask. Well, I can tell you that some of the journalists here are on the scent and have been looking at Casuarina Jail in Perth, Western Australia. And who is from Perth? None other than our favorite film star, Matthew Raine. Update to follow.

  And thank you all, for your leads on the female with Matthew Raine in the video footage. I’ll be chasing up a few suggestions soon.

  Here with the latest updates on missing Ava King, brought to you by Lara and Ava King’s number one fan.

  Twitter: @ryan_gosling_wannabe

  August 27th 2018

  0845hrs

  When Joan appeared, it made me feel worse. Like every bad thing I’d done was mirrored by every good thing she’d done for my daughter.

  ‘What’s going on?’ She’d pulled her hair into a tight ponytail and, rather strangely for Joan, had put on some blusher and lip gloss. She looked at the newspaper on the table. I saw her taking it in, then look at me with something close to disgust.

  ‘Tea or coffee?’ she said. I hadn’t offered anyone anything to drink since they’d arrived. I’d been used to Marcy and Rosa doing all of that for me. I wanted to punch her for making me look bad.

  No one answered her. I desperately wanted a coffee to kick-start my senses but I’d be damned if I was going to ask Joan for a thing. She was busy pulling out a large silver cafétière.

  ‘Look,’ said Detective Mcgraw. ‘We just need the truth now, Lara. For the best chances of finding your daughter. No one here cares about what you did. Or what you got up to. Please. Just tell us everything. We’ll take you inside the station after the press conference. Privacy. You can tell us there. The conference is being held on the corner of the next block to the station. So you don’t have to go far. We’ll tell the public that you are just coming inside to help out with some of our enquiries. That way it won’t look so sudden. All right?’

  ‘Fine. Look. I just want you to find her.’

  ‘Good. So we’re on the same page.’ Joan was staring at me now, she’d paused halfway through pouring the coffee. I wanted to warn her that she was about to burn herself but then I realised what she was wearing. It was a large knitted jumper that looked handmade. It had two pockets on either side, and she kept burying her hands into the pocket on the left-hand side. I saw a flash of silver through the material. It suddenly hit me what she had on her.

  ‘Conor.’ Detective Mcgraw took charge again. ‘Please deal with the press. The press conference is at ten a.m. Lara will come to the station with me after that. OK?’

  ‘Fine.’ Conor grabbed the mug coffee Joan held out to him. She slammed down the handful of spoons she’d been carrying.

  ‘Ava,’ she said, her voice harder than I’d ever heard it. ‘She never deserved this. She’s a good girl. With the kindest of hearts. Yet all of this, surrounding her disappearance . . .’ She held her chest and sobbed and sobbed, unable to carry on talking. ‘Please bring her home,’ she wailed. ‘Please bring my little girl home.’ No one moved an inch. After what felt like hours Detective Mcgraw cleared his throat.

  ‘Best get moving soon.’ He nodded at Joan with a small smile. ‘Lara? Conor? Anna? Are you coming?’ Thank God, I thought. She wasn’t going to bring the fob up in public. But I was damn well going to find out what she was doing with it in her pocket.

  No one said a thing, but then Joan shouted. ‘Stop,’ she called. ‘Wait. I forgot, Lara.’ I turned towards her. She was all hunched over like she had a bad back. ‘This, I found this.’

  I was about to pounce on her but she held it up for everyone to see. I grabbed it.

  ‘Oh, thanks.’ I put it in the top drawer of the kitchen island. My legs felt weak. I wanted to ask her where she’d found it but I couldn’t risk any questions. ‘Right. Let me get ready,’ I announced. ‘Anna, I know this is not your remit but my stylist isn’t here. I don’t suppose you might come and help me choose something suitable?’

  ‘Of course.’ She nodded but before she had a chance to get up, Joan walked over to the kitchen island and opened the drawer.

  ‘Wait.’ She pulled it open. ‘That doesn’t belong there, does it?’

  ‘I’ll put it back later.’ I grabbed the fob from her again.

  ‘Let me then.’ I wanted to ask her why she hadn’t just put it back herself and then I realised she wanted me to be caught out in front of Detective Mcgraw.

  ‘Fine. You know where it goes,’ I said, like I didn’t have a care in the world. My knees were beginning to buckle.

  ‘Sure.’ She was using that annoying sing-song voice she had when she was about to try and prove a point. ‘Whoever was in there last must have forgotten to lock up. I know you’ve sealed everything off, Detective, but I hope you can now lock up properly.’

  ‘Lock up what?’ Detective Mcgraw was staring at the front of the newspaper.

  ‘The annexe to the swimming pool. This is the fob. I found it in Lara’s bedroom when I was tidying up yesterday. I meant to say’ – she turned to me – ‘that I’d taken it. Just in case you’d been looking for it. It was on your bedside table. I don’t normally go in there as you know. But I thought given Marcy and Rosa weren’t here, I’d make your bed. And that’s when I saw it.’

  ‘Lara?’ questioned Detective Mcgraw. ‘The key fob? You told me you hadn’t been in the pool for a year? Any reason why it was in your bedroom? I know that all the other keys and fobs are kept in your study.’

  I started to really panic now. And then I remembered Matthew and Joan talking on the CCTV. I wondered whether somehow they were in cahoots.

  ‘No idea.’ I controlled my voice spectacularly well but Joan interrupted.

  ‘A year? You haven’t been there for a year?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I replied. ‘Come on, Anna. Let’s go. I’ve got a black trouser suit that would be perfect. Not too smart. Just right.’ Detective Mcgraw’s breathing sped up.

  ‘But I saw you,’ Joan continued. ‘I saw you there. The day of the announcement.’

  ‘No, you didn’t. Don’t be ridiculous. I haven’t been in there for months.’ I slammed shut an open drawer. ‘Now, please. We’re in a hurry. I really need to get washed before I face the public. I’ve got to get moving. For Ava.’

  ‘I did. I saw you.’

  ‘Anna?’ I sensed Detective Mcgraw looking at my back but I didn’t turn around. I just started to walk out the door.

  ‘Wait,’ he said. I flipped my head back.

  ‘What? Are you going to help find my daughter?’

  ‘You said you hadn’t been near the annexe for over a year. What does Joan mean she saw you there the day of the announcement? That was four days ago. When the CCTV footage was obstructed.’

  ‘I saw you,’ Joan went on. �
��With Ava. Right outside the door.’ I realised she’d been waiting for this moment. Any moment, in fact, to catch me out. To show me up as a bad mother. She must have known all along that I’d told Detective Mcgraw I hadn’t been in the pool annexe. One of the many times she’d been silently eavesdropping.

  ‘I was trying to find Ava,’ she went on. ‘I followed her. She must have followed you. Right before Matthew came back into the room. You went looking for him, if I recall.’

  ‘Right. I’d like to go with my client to get ready now, please.’ Anna pushed Joan backwards lightly.

  ‘Stop,’ commanded Detective Mcgraw. ‘I need your client to stay right where she is. I’d like to hear the rest of this before we leave.’

  ‘I went after Ava. She must have followed you. I wanted to make sure she was all right. She was beside herself. Had been all morning, except you barely noticed,’ she spat. ‘I tried to tell you that she wasn’t coping. That she’d been asking about her father. Her real father. If you’d just taken the time to explain.’

  I felt close to tears. I had wanted to tell Ava. I just hadn’t wanted her to ask too many questions.

  ‘She was nervous about the announcement. Yet you hadn’t prepared her for that either. She was nervous about Manny. You didn’t even tell her who he was. Just this stranger turning up, asking questions, watching your every move. For God’s sake. She’s a child.’ She started to sob again. ‘And then I saw you. I watched you go into the swimming pool annexe. Ava was right behind you.’ I hear Conor gasp. And someone else made a noise but I couldn’t quite be sure who it was.

  ‘I was going to shout out to you. But you looked scared about something. I didn’t think anything of it really. Until I overheard a conversation between you and Detective Mcgraw about the annexe. And then this morning. This morning I remembered I’d found the fob when I’d been tidying up. It all fitted together. That you’d lied. I’d been so distracted thinking about Ava. Thinking about how awful everything is. Grieving, if you will, that my mind had been a complete fog. But you saw something. Didn’t you? You saw something in the pool house. And so did Ava. And that has something to do with why she’s gone. It all makes sense now.’ Her breath’s juddering, her mouth pulling all sorts of strange shapes. And then she collapsed on to the floor pounding the marble with her fists. ‘She’s gone and it’s something to do with all this horrific’ – she gestured around the kitchen – ‘fame. You’re always chasing for more. Like a drug. As for Matthew. He tried to shut me up too.’

  ‘What?’ I asked. ‘I have no idea what you are talking about. None of it.’

  ‘Matthew. He knew I had the fob. He saw me looking at it from outside your bedroom. Came down to my room and told me to give it to him. Said that I’d lose my job if I said anything. But I figured I don’t care anymore. Ava knows I love her more than anyone in the . . .’ She pulled at her jumper, as though she couldn’t contain the ache in her chest.

  Detective Mcgraw went over to Joan and helped her up.

  ‘Come on. Let’s get you seen to. We’re doing our best,’ he continued, ‘to find her.’ He hadn’t spoken to me that kindly since my daughter had disappeared.

  Detective Mcgraw turned to me. ‘The press conference is being prepped right now. Go and get changed.’

  I motioned for Anna to come with me. I took it step by step, holding onto the wall for support.

  ‘Ms King.’ He stopped me. ‘Wait.’

  ‘What now?’ I asked.

  ‘Bring a change of clothes.’ And then I heard him mutter something about obstructing the course of justice. I realised what he meant and that I might not be coming home. But that didn’t change things. It didn’t change the fact that my daughter was still out there, and that it was looking increasingly more likely that I might never see her again.

  London, December 2004

  ‘Sorry. About last night,’ I said to Kaycee. I didn’t care now if she reacted or not, I just wanted to say my piece and be done with it. ‘About everything.’ She was alone with Isabella but she didn’t turn to look at me. ‘Hush little baby,’ she was singing.

  ‘Fine,’ I said. ‘I’m going.’ I didn’t wait for Ben. I picked up my bag, stuffed with the remnants of last night; a champagne cork that Hannah had given me for good luck, five phone numbers on scraps of paper – as if – and my silver jacket that I’d found scrunched up in my bag, with an old piece of chewing gum stuck to it.

  I opened the front door and Joanne was sitting in the front of the taxi. She looked at me and gave me a half-smile. She looked pale but she’d still made an effort with her clothes. She wore a beautifully pressed green top and navy trousers and had tied her hair up tight in a braid off her face. Just as I was about to get in, Ben arrived next to me wearing a large, black puffa jacket and a snood.

  ‘I’m coming too.’ He slung a record bag onto the back seat. ‘Joanne rang me. I was just getting food for breakfast but’ – he signalled towards the front door – ‘Kaycee’s fine. She’s just . . .’

  ‘It’s OK,’ I told him, ‘thank you.’ I wanted to tell him no, it wasn’t OK. That he had responsibilities but then I realised that some of his responsibilities were with me. After all, he’d built me up. Just because he’d had a baby it didn’t mean he could ditch me in the bad times. Indignation rose within me.

  ‘I’m sorry about last night,’ I told them both, as we sat in the back seat. The smell of leather and the faint sounds of the radio felt calming. I wondered whether they were going to play my song. I couldn’t bear to hear my own voice.

  ‘Please.’ I leaned forward and touched the driver’s arm. ‘Please can you turn it off? Or put on some classical music?’ She nodded and flicked the dial on the dashboard.

  ‘Thank you,’ I told her.

  ‘Listen.’ Joanne looked at both of us with those pale blue eyes of hers. I noticed a faint smudge of purple by her right eye. Remnants of last night. ‘Lara. We need to talk to you.’

  ‘I know. I said some awful things.’ I started to feel sick. ‘I just—’

  ‘Shhhh. Just shhhhh. Let me talk. It’s not—’

  But I wasn’t able to stop. They both listened. Joanne turned from the front seat, twisting her arm so she could pat me on the knee, which just made me feel worse. Ben hadn’t said a word, instead just staring straight off into the distance, flicking his middle finger against his thumb.

  ‘So that’s it,’ I said. ‘Now it’s been leaked, I’m guessing, damage control? Is that even possible? Or have I destroyed everything? Oh God.’ I thought about what the public were saying about me. The awfulness of what they’d witnessed.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Joanne said. ‘They’ve pulled your performance on Charity Aid. I don’t know how they heard about it.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ I cried. I wasn’t prepared for this.

  ‘There’s more.’ Ben’s voice was so quiet that I had to lean my head towards him.

  ‘What?’ I asked. I noticed that we were in an unfamiliar part of London.

  ‘Wait. Where are we going? I thought we were going back to mine?’

  ‘We’re going down to the police station.’ He looked at me again. ‘Something bad happened. Apparently. After she took the video. The girl who you hurt last night. Something really bad happened. Joanne?’

  ‘We’ll get more details soon but I just want you to know that we’re behind you. OK?’ I thought back to what I’d done. What if she was dead? Or I’d broken her neck or something? I thought of the thump as her body landed. What if I’d, what if, what if, what if. All these thoughts hurtled through my mind and my hands went numb.

  ‘Listen,’ he said. ‘They just want to talk to you. OK? Nothing else for the moment. Just to talk.’

  ‘OK.’ He took my arm and I sensed he wanted to say something, but instead a deep and painful silence fell between us.

  August 26th 2018

  1000hrs

  ‘Well, what about my real dad?’ Ava had broken the silence first. I could tell something
had been on her mind by the way she kept circling her right knee with her finger. ‘Was he good-looking too?’ I told myself to wait a few seconds before I answered, thinking about my earlier pep talk. Bonding time, I reminded myself.

  ‘Well, what do you look like?’ I said. ‘I doubt someone ugly could have made somebody as beautiful as you.’ She was satisfied by my answer and opened her bottle of water, reaching over into the front seat to pass me some so I didn’t have to lean over and open mine. I took it, heart swelling at her kindness. We sat in silence again as I drove down Laurel Canyon Boulevard, stopping at a red light.

  ‘Ten o’clock. Think it’s going to be too hot to hike in Laurel Canyon?’ I asked her. She shook her head. ‘Great. We’ll go straight there then. We’ll pick up a sandwich on the way back and then, hmmm, then what?’ I craned my neck around to watch her.

  ‘Ice cream?’ she said, eyes wide.

  ‘Yup.’ I thought again about contacting Conor. I hadn’t yet decided what to do. I was feeling agitated away from everyone. Come on, I kept telling myself over and over. This is your and Ava’s time. Don’t do it. Just keep your promise, but once the thought had entered my head, it became harder and harder to ignore, amplifying, making my body uncomfortable in the way I was sitting. I shuffled in my seat. ‘Damnit,’ I said.

  ‘What? What’s wrong, Mom?’

  ‘Nothing. Just can’t get comfortable.’ I pulled the seatbelt off my neck just as I accelerated when the lights turned green. ‘It’s hot and I’m feeling kinda, well, something.’

  ‘Here.’ She tapped me on the shoulder. ‘You must drink lots. Like you always tell me. Water is good for your skin and replenishes you. It’ll make you feel better, Mom, I promise.’ I laughed.

  ‘Good girl,’ I said. ‘That’s very caring of you.’ I thought again of how thoughtful she was and, not for the first time, how I didn’t deserve her. I swung the car out of the main boulevard. I pressed my foot down on the pedal. The sky was a rich blue, it was going to be a beautiful day.