by Swan, T L
Nathan, answer your phone.
I’m freaking out.
Where are you?
A text bounces back.
Leave me alone.
Thank God. I text back.
Where are you?
A reply comes back.
I’m staying at my place tonight.
No, baby…
Nathan, I’m sorry.
I should have talked to you.
Please come home.
A reply bounces back.
Tomorrow.
I frown as uneasiness fills me. I reply:
I need to talk tonight.
With my heart in my throat I wait.
I can’t.
He can’t. What the fuck does that mean? I dial his number and it rings out again. My heart hammers in my chest, and the tears of regret roll down my cheeks as I wait for the answering machine.
“Nathan, I love you.” I whisper. “I’m sorry. I’m just so scared.” I pace as I think of what to say. “I’m going out of my mind with insecurity and I don’t want to,” I whisper as I walk to the window. I pull back the drapes and look out over the view. “It’s just new and this is a transition stage, that’s all.” I offer an explanation. “This is weird for me, Nathe. Meeting men at conferences who put these ideas into my head is fucking weird, okay? Call me… please.”
I feel so guilty that he had to hear that from Jolie.
I am fucking furious with her. How could she?
I hang up and drop to the couch. I screw up my face and I call April. Then, I cry.
* * *
It’s early morning and still dark when I hear the key in the door. I sit up.
He’s here. He’s come home to talk about it.
I’m exhausted. I think I slept for an hour, tops.
He marches into the bedroom in his suit. He’s ready for work already. He flicks the bathroom light on. I hear the drawers open and slam shut.
“Nathan!” I call. “What are you doing?”
I hear something fall on the floor.
“Come and talk to me,” I call. What the hell is he doing in there?
Bottles fall over, and something bangs hard as he tears through the bathroom cupboards like a mad man. “Where is it?” he calls.
“What?” I frown.
“Your fucking birthcontrol pills. Where are they?”
“What?” I frown as I climb out of bed, still half asleep. “What are you doing?”
He grabs my makeup purse and scurries through it. The makeup falls everywhere.
My new blush falls on the floor and smashes everywhere.
“You’re breaking things,” I cry.
He pulls out the little foil packet and studies it closely.
“What are you doing?” I whisper as I begin to panic.
“What is this?” He holds it in the air.
“What?”
“Where is your fucking period, Eliza?” His eyes search mine.
My face falls.
“You haven’t had one since we’ve been together. Where is it?” He studies the packet again. “This says here you were supposed to get your period on Saturday. It’s fucking Tuesday, Eliza.” He screams as he holds the packet up in the air. “You’re late?” The veins are sticking out of his forehead in anger. He’s completely lost control.
“Nathan, calm down.”
“How the fuck can I calm down?” He screams. “Heaven forbid that I should take up residency in your fucking uterus.” He looks at me and shakes his head in disgust. “Or are you already pregnant? Should I go to the bar to hear about this, too?”
My eyes well with tears. He’s so hurt. “It’s coming,” I whisper. “It’s my first month on the pill. I swear, my period is coming. My hormones are adjusting, that’s all.”
He throws the pill packet at me. “Get yourself to a doctor.” He marches out and I hear the front door slam behind him.
The apartment falls deathly silent again.
He’s gone.
I put my head into my hands, and my heart drops.
Fuck.
* * *
I sit at my desk and stare at the computer. I feel sick. My stomach is a ball of nerves. In ten years, I’ve never seen Nathan like that before. He was so angry—so hurt.
How do we get over this? What do I say to fix this?
And where is my period? Why is it late? I did everything right. I took the pill every day at the same time. I waited the time before I had sex. How long was it?
Fucking Jolie. I’m going to kill her with my bare hands. But I know I can’t blame her. This is my fault, and Nathan has every reason to be furious with me.
Please, don’t let me be pregnant.
This is not the way I want to have a child.
I can’t be. I did everything right. The doctor told me that I would be protected after a week, and I waited for that time. I go through my diary and work out when I went to the doctor. I count through on my calendar and count the days. It was actually two weeks to the day, before Nathan and I had unprotected sex.
My phone buzzes in front of me. The name Jolie lights up the screen. I look around guiltily, stuff it, I want to talk to her and give her a piece of my mind.
“Hello!” I snap.
“Oh my God. I am so fucking sorry. I don’t even remember what happened. Brooke called me and told me this morning.”
“How could you say those things?” I whisper angrily.
“I don’t know.” She splutters. “Last thing I remember, we were talking about it, and then I drank too much and…God, I’m a nightmare.”
“Yes, you fucking are,” I bark. “Poor Nathan.”
“I’ve already called him twice to apologize but he won’t answer my calls. I’m just really worried about you, Eliza, and I don’t know why but it all came out wrong.”
“Do you blame him?” I whisper as I look around.
“Fuck, I’ll keep trying to call him. I left him a message.”
“This all could have been avoided if you weren’t such a fucking idiot.”
“I know. I’m going. I have to try him again. I feel terrible.”
“And so you should. Goodbye.” I hang up in a rush. She pisses me off.
How could she say those things to him? Adrenaline is pumping through my veins.
I try to calm myself down and go back to my pregnancy scare. Shit, this week is just horrendous. The kind you see on cable.
I type into Google. How long after starting the contraceptive pill are you covered?
The answers pop up, and I read through them. They’re all the same.
The Contraceptive Pill does not protect a woman from sexually transmitted infections. Birth control pills protect from pregnancy after seven days of use but it's best to use a backup method (condoms) for the first month after taking the pill to be safe.
What?
A backup method.
A month. What do you fucking mean, a month? I begin to hear the panic as it screams through my veins like a river rapid.
The doctor told me seven days. She was positive. If I had of known…
I put my head into my hands. “Oh my God.”
“Excuse me?” a voice says. I glance up. “I’m here for my post-surgery consult.”
The girls are all on lunch and I am covering reception. “Oh, yes.” I fake a smile. I glance through the booking list. “Mia, is it?”
“You should know me by now. I’ve been in three times this week.” She snarls.
Okay, rude bitch. I type into the computer. “Sorry, I’m not normally on reception.” I frown. Why has she been in three times this week? “Is there something wrong with your wound?” I ask.
“There’s nothing wrong with my wound. The entire procedure was a disaster. I asked for this picture. I wanted them bigger, more natural looking.” She shows me a picture on her phone. It’s of an eighteen-year-old girl with perky, natural breasts. Not that I can tell, because she’s had so much work done, but I think this woman is in her l
ate thirties. She’s never going to look like this.
Henry is a surgeon, not a miracle worker.
“And I can tell you now, my boobs don’t look like this. I want a redo or a full refund.”
“I see.” I force another smile.
Seriously…fuck off, cow. I am not in the mood for your shit. I’ve got way bigger problems than your tits.
“Let me go and see Dr. Morgan, and I’ll be right back.”
She sits down on the couch and folds her arms in a huff. I walk up the hall and softly knock on Henry’s door.
“Come in.”
I open the door. “Hi.” I close the door behind me. “Mia Schofield is here.”
He exhales with an eye roll. “Yes.”
“She’s carrying on about her surgery.” I wince. “Sorry.”
“I know. This is the second time I’ve done them. I did them two years ago. She wanted them bigger and complained then, too.”
“She showed me a picture of a—” “I’ve seen the picture. Nobody is that talented.” He exhales heavily and sits back in his chair. “Send her in.”
“Okay.” His eyes linger on my face. “Hey, are you okay?” he asks softly. “You’re not your happy self today.”
“Yeah.” I fake a smile.
“Still fighting with Nathan?”
I shrug. I feel so fragile that I may just burst into tears any moment.
“You know, you can talk to me at any time.” He places his hand on top of mine on the desk. “I’m here for you… as a friend. I’m an excellent listener.”
I smile, grateful for his kindness. “We’ll be okay, it’s nothing serious,” I lie. “Just teething problems. It will be fine.” I give him a smile and make my way back to the crazy woman in the waiting room.
“Just go in, he’s waiting for you.”
I watch her march up the corridor and close the door behind her.
I exhale heavily. This job sucks. I miss nursing. I miss looking after children—beautiful, sick little children who need me and are grateful for every smile. If I get offered this job at the private hospital, I’m going to take it.
I’m not cut out for cosmetic surgery. This isn’t my calling.
* * *
I stand in the kitchen and sip my tea. I called Nathan and he said he wouldn’t be long. He was short with me, and it’s clear he’s still furious. I don’t even know what he’s going to say when he gets here… or if I want to hear it.
I’m nervous as hell, and I still don’t have my period.
Where is it?
I hear the key in the door before he comes into view. My eyes instantly well with tears at the sight of him. He looks like shit, and it’s obvious that he didn’t get any sleep last night, either.
“Hi.”
“Hi.” His eyes hold mine.
“I’m sorry, Nathe. I just wanted to talk to someone, and I know it should have been you.” I watch him as my stomach swarms with butterflies. “You know, I was just scared to share my fears with you.”
Empathy wins, and he exhales heavily. “Don’t cry.” He sighs as he takes me into his arms and I press my face into his shoulder as he holds me.
“I don’t want this to come between us,” I murmur.
“Let me have a shower and we’ll talk, okay?” He brushes my hair back from my forehead and he looks down at me.
I nod, hopeful for the first time, all day. He begins to walk off and I cling to him. “Can you just hug me for a moment, please?” He holds me tightly, and we stand in each other’s arms for a long time. I’m feeling so fragile and clingy.
“I love you,” I whisper.”
“Do you, Lize?” he asks softly. “Or do you just think you do? Because from where I’m standing, it doesn’t seem like it.”
I close my eyes in sadness. “Nathe, I only told the girls what had been said to me, not that I believed it. Zavier rattled me, yes, I can’t deny it. But put yourself in my shoes for a moment.”
He exhales heavily. “Let me shower.”
“Okay.” I kiss him softly again, and he disappears up the hall.
He kissed me. There’s hope.
I get back to making dinner, and I put the chicken in the oven and pour two glasses of red wine. Then, I stare at my glass and frown.
What if I’m pregnant?
I take a sip with a shaky hand, and then I pour my glass down the sink.
Fuck, this is a disaster.
The apartment phone rings. I frown and pick up. “Hello.”
“Hello, Miss Bennet. It’s Roy from concierge.”
“Hi, Roy.”
“I have a visitor here for you. He said you are expecting him.”
“Who is it?”
“Robert Scott.” My eyes widen. What? Nathan must be expecting him. “That’s fine, send him up.”
I pour myself another glass of wine. One glass can’t hurt, surely fucking not.
Moments later, there is a soft knock on the door, and I open it.
“Hello, Eliza.” Robert smiles. He leans in and kisses my cheek. I know Robert from over the years. He’s a nice guy. Handsome and sweet.
“Hi.”
“Is Nathan home?” he asks nervously.
I frown. I thought he said he was expected. “Yeah, he’s in the shower.” My eyes hold his. “Does he know you’re coming?”
“Um.” His eyes dart up the hall to where the shower just turned off, and Robert twists his hands nervously in front of him. “No.”
The hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention. ……Something feels off.
Nathan walks up the hall in his navy, silk boxers, and he stops mid-step when he sees Robert.
“What are you doing here?” he asks.
“Um.” Roberts eyes flicker to me nervously. “I wanted to talk to you… both.”
I look between them.
“I wanted Eliza to hear this from me, out of respect.” He shrugs. “I don’t want anything underhand.”
“Stop!” Nathan snaps.
“When you cut all ties this week—,” Robert whispers.
“Stop, right now.” Nathan growls. “I mean it, Robert.”
It’s as if Nathan already knows what he’s going to say.
My eyes flick between them as they stare at each other. You could cut the air with a knife.
“I broke up with Liam,” Robert says. “I can’t be with Liam… because, I’m still in love with you.”
22
Eliza
My eyes widen. What the fuck?
“I don’t want to hear it!” Nathan snaps. “How did you know where I live?”
“Umm.” Robert’s nervous eyes flick to me, rattled by Nathan’s cold reception. “I…. um—”
“You what?” Nathan bellows, making me jump. “How do you fucking know where I live?”
“I followed you home from work,” Robert whispers.
“You what?” Nathan erupts.
“I just…” Robert’s voice trails off, and his eyes come back to me.
“You wanted to say this in front of Eliza.” Nathan sneers. “Is that it?”
Robert stays silent.
“Answer the fucking question!” Nathan bellows.
“She… she needs to know,” Robert stammers. “When she said we couldn’t speak anymore… she needs to know it isn’t possible. She deserves to know the truth.”
Nathan must have told him I don’t want them speaking. I pause as I look between them.
“I’m going to go out for a while and give you both some privacy,” I say quietly.
“Don’t you dare go anywhere, Eliza!” Nathan yells.
My eyes widen.
“I love you,” Robert says, his eyes searching Nathan’s. “And I know you still love me, too.”
My heart stops as I watch him. Robert’s hair is dishevelled and his eyes are crazy. He seems desperate. This would have taken a lot of courage to come here and do this.
“You’re too late,” Nathan tells him. “I’m happy. For th
e first time in ten years, I’m fucking happy. You think you can barge into my home and want me back? No, you’re too late.”
Robert shakes his head as if panicked. “Don’t say that.”
“I’m tied to Eliza now,” Nathan whispers as if forgetting I’m here.
I begin to hear my heartbeat in my ears, and I put my hands over my mouth. This is too much to handle. I drop my head as I process that statement.
Tied to Eliza.
Not I love Eliza. Not I want Eliza. I’m tied to Eliza.
The baby.
He’s tied to me because of the baby. Emotion overwhelms me, and I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to hear this. I feel the need to protect myself take over. I walk out of the kitchen and into the living area.
“Eliza!” Nathan yells. “Don’t you fucking leave!”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I fire back. Fuck you. I want to be anywhere but here, listening to this.
“Get out!” Nathan yells. “Leave now, Robert.”
“You’ve been begging me to come back to you for years,” Robert cries. “I know you still love me, Nathan. It’s not too late for us.”
Horror dawns. What?
Nathan’s been begging for Robert to come back to him for years?
My eyes well with tears.
“Get out!” Nathan cries. His voice cracks, betraying his hurt, and I screw my face up in pain.
He does still love him. I can hear it in his voice.
“Please,” Robert begs, and I can tell by his voice that he’s becoming upset.
“Don’t touch me,” Nathan whispers angrily, and I know that Robert has reached for him.
I close my eyes. I can feel Robert’s pain.
“Don’t come near Eliza again,” Nathan whispers. “You wait until I’m finally happy and you think that you can show up here and upset her?”
“I’m not trying to upset her,” Robert cries.
“Well, you are.” Nathan yells. “And you’ve upset me. Get the hell out of my life, Robert. You’ve fucked me up for too long.”
