by Swan, T L
Oh God. This is bad. This is really bad.
Nathan never got over him. A piece of the puzzle clicks into place.
This is why he has never had another relationship. I close my eyes as I listen.
They fall silent.
What’s happening?
“Please…” Nathan whispers as if pained. “Just go. Leave me be.”
“I love you.”
“Go!” Nathan bellows as he loses all control.
I screw up my face to stop myself from sobbing out loud, I drop my head into my hands.
“I said go!” Nathan yells.
“No!” I hear Robert cry, as if they’re in a scuffle. “Don’t do this.”
I run into the kitchen to see Nathan dragging Robert toward the door by the arm. He opens the door and hurls Robert out into the corridor.
“Stay the fuck out of my life!” he yells before slamming the door hard. He marches up the hall to our bedroom.
The tears roll down my face, and I look at the back of the door.
Do I go out there and check on Robert? Is he okay?
What do I do? What do I do?
I hear the shower turn back on. What’s he doing?
I walk back into the kitchen, and with a shaky hand, I pick up my wine and sip it.
I wince. It tastes like poison.
Everything tastes like poison… even my love.
My heart is hammering hard in my chest…what the fuck just happened?
I can’t stand this. I need to see if Robert’s okay. I march to the front door, open it, and I peer out into the corridor. Robert is gone.
I walk back into the apartment and into the bathroom.
Nathan is in the shower, the water falling hard over his head. His face is in his hands.
His devastation so real that I can feel it.
“Nathan,” I whisper.
He remains silent.
“Are you okay?” I ask softly.
“Leave me alone,” he murmurs.
I screw up my face in tears. That’s not what I needed to hear. I turn and walk out into the living room and fall to the couch in tears. Can this week get any worse?
Nathan stays in the shower for over an hour, and with every minute that he’s in there, a little more truth sinks in.
I’m tied to Eliza now.
I’m pregnant by a man who is still in love with his ex.
I thought he loved me.
How could I be so stupid as to fall pregnant?
Oh, fuck.
What happens now?
I have a child with him, carry on with our farce of a relationship, all while knowing that, deep down, his heart is with Robert?
Pain slices through my chest. This isn’t how I thought it would go. Oh, this hurts.
Nathan finally appears. He’s in his boxer shorts, once more, and his mask is firmly back into place.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers.
I stare at the floor, unable to drag my eyes to his.
“Why are you crying?” he whispers as he sits down next to me and takes me into his arms.
“Do you want to be with him?” I ask.
“No.” His eyes are sad—so much pain behind them. “I love you. I want to be with you.”
My eyes search his. “Do you still love Robert?”
He stares at me, but doesn’t answer, unable to push the lie past his lips.
My eyes well with tears, the lump in my throat is so big, it hurts.
“I want to be with you, Eliza.”
“That’s not what I asked, Nathan.”
“I have a history with Robert but my future is with you. I’m sorry he came here. I’m sorry you had to hear that.”
He holds me in his arms, but I don’t feel loved.
I feel in the way.
I feel like his heart is breaking and he wants to go to Robert.
I feel betrayed.
“I’m going to…” I pause as I try to think of an excuse to get away from him…to get away from his hurt, “take a shower.”
“Okay.” He lets me go.
I walk into the bathroom, lock the door, and slide down the back of it to sit on the floor.
And all alone, I sob in silence.
I lie in bed in the darkness. I’m on my side, facing the wall.
Nathan is beside me with his back to me.
He’s silent. I am silent.
There’s an elephant in the room, in between us in bed.
Robert.
The air is heavy with regret, filled with lost hopes and dreams.
And an unplanned pregnancy.
“What’s wrong?” Nathan whispers.
Every time he speaks to me I get a lump in my throat and it’s hard to answer.
How do you verbalize so much hurt?
“Nothing,” I murmur into the darkness.
He hesitates, as if wanting to say something, but he doesn’t.
Eventually he says, “Goodnight.”
I close my eyes as a tear rolls down onto my pillow. “Goodnight.”
* * *
I wake alone.
Nathan has gone to work.
He didn’t wake me to say goodbye. I didn’t even hear him getting ready.
After crying silently in bed all night, I must have drifted into an exhausted sleep in the early hours.
I don’t feel emotionally strong enough to go to work today, but what do I do if I stay home? I’ll be a pshycotic by the time he walks in the door this evening. He’s in surgery today so I know he will be late.
I feel so alone, I need to talk to someone but my best friend and confidant is the one that’s hurting me. And the worst thing about it is, he can’t even help it.
I know he would never hurt me by choice.
I don’t want to talk to the girls. I still feel angry with them, and I know this isn’t their fault, but hearing the words I told you so right now will just tip me over the edge.
I have to make myself go to work. The alternative will be having a complete meltdown, and I can’t let that happen.
I drag myself up and into the shower.
I’ll stop at the pharmacy on the way and get a pregnancy test.
May as well get this over with.
I need to know.
* * *
I hit send on the final operating schedule for tomorrow.
“Hey.” Henry puts his head around the door. “How’s my girl today?”
I smile at Henry’s casual demeanour. He calls all of us girls in the office ‘his girl’.
He’s not flirty or stepping over the line. He’s just Henry being Henry. Weird to think back to my first impression of him now when he’s actually quite endearing.
“Do you want to go out for lunch?” he asks. “I’m starved.”
I look at him. “You know what? I do.” I go back to typing. “Give me two minutes to finish this email.”
“Okay.” He disappears down the corridor, and I smile sadly.
I’ve all but made up my mind. I want to go back to nursing. This isn’t my jam. I’m just not sure how to tell him. I finish off my emails and grab my handbag when I notice the brown paper bag tucked safely inside.
The pregnancy test. I was going to do it at lunch.
Oh, well, I’ll do it when I get home, I guess. I set off to find Henry, and twenty minutes later, we are in a sushi train across town.
“You know, I always eat way too much at these places.” He says casually as he takes a plate from the train. “Because I’m eating small plates, I have this mental block where I think I can keep eating.”
I smile as I grab a plate. “Me, too.”
He pops some sushi into his mouth with his chopsticks. “Well, this may very well be my main meal for the day.” He shrugs casually. “So, there’s that.”
“Why? Didn’t you end up getting back with your girlfriend?”
“No.” He rolls his eyes. “I really fucked things up there.”
“What happened?”
�
�God.” He sighs, “Where do I start? When I got back from the conference, she wanted to talk.” He shovels some more sushi into his mouth.
I frown as I listen. “And?”
“So….” he shakes his head as if disgusted with himself. “Of course, we end up in bed and now I don’t want anything…” He rolls his eyes and makes the blah, blah, blah sign with his hand.
“You used your ex-girlfriend for a booty-call?”
He pinches the bridge of his nose. “Sounds bad when you say it like that.”
“Did you?”
“It wasn’t my fault. She looked hot, and my dick accidentally fell out of my pants.”
“I hate it when that happens.” I fake a smile. For fuck’s sake, are all men completely clueless?
“Right?” He scoffs. “Me, too.” He continues eating. “Anyway, now I’m the worst in the world and she’s messaging me ten times a day to tell me so.”
I smile sadly. It feels good that everyone has shit to deal with.
“How’s your guard dog going?” he asks as he chews.
“Not so great, but that’s another story.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.” I sigh. “We were best friends for a long time before we went out.”
“How long?”
“Ten years.”
His eyebrows rise in surprise. “Wow.”
“And we only recently connected, and then we moved in together like two weeks later.”
He winces. “Well, that was fucking dumb.”
“But we practically lived together, anyway, so…”
“Yeah, but it’s completely different when you’re sleeping together. You should have waited at least six months before you moved in together. You’re too familiar. No wonder you’re fighting all the time. There’s all this added pressure. You would never move in with a new boyfriend after two weeks. This is no different.”
“That’s exactly what it is,” I reply. “It’s like we’re in a pressure cooker, you know? We are fighting over things I would never have imagined.”
“If things don’t get better, you should move into your own place for a while. Then, date again. Get some space from each other. Remember why you’re in love.”
I chew as I listen. “You think?”
“I know. Everyone has issues when they first move in with a partner. There’s no such thing as a smooth transition, but add in the long-term friendship to the mix and it would be a nightmare. You already know each other so well, there would be no boundaries.”
That makes so much sense. “So true.”
And that’s not the half of it, I think to myself. Throw in sexuality questions, an ex, and an unplanned pregnancy… fuck, it’s no wonder we’re fighting all the time. “I guess.” I smile.
“Can I ask you something?” He says as he wipes his mouth with his napkin.
“Yeah.”
“If you had met me in a different circumstance and you weren’t with the guard dog…”
I smirk, already knowing what he’s going to say.
“Would you have gone out with me?”
I dig through my food with my chopsticks. “Yeah.” I smile. “I would have. You’re cute in a weird kind of way.”
His eyes hold mine. “Well, fuck.” He raises his glass and takes a sip. “Here’s to the worst timing ever.”
I giggle. I really do like Henry, and I know I need to be honest. “I have a confession.”
“You’re going to leave him for me?” he teases with a wink.
I laugh. “No… but I am maybe leaving work.”
His face falls. “Oh no, why?”
“I’m just not loving it. I’m sorry.”
“Is it something I can fix?”
“I’m missing nursing, the buzz of the hospital, and I haven’t decided anything yet, but I just wanted you to know in case I do decide.”
He smiles sadly. “Well, that blows but I completely understand. Thanks for being honest.”
We eat in silence for a while.
“What are you going to do about the boyfriend?”
“I don’t know.” I sigh. “Hopefully, work it out.” I sip my drink. “Your idea about space from each other makes a lot of sense.”
“You never know. It may very well work.”
I smile, grateful for the chat. “Thanks, Henry.” I wish I could blurt out all my issues, but I can’t.
These are mine and Nathan’s problems, and only we can fix them.
And we will…
I hope.
* * *
I sit at the dining table and listen to the clock ticking on the wall. I haven’t had the guts to do the pregnancy test alone. Nathan will be home soon. I texted him an hour and a half ago, and he said he had just finished surgery and would be home about now.
I never thought I’d see the day where waiting for Nathan made me nervous. But he’s acting different. He isn’t texting me. He isn’t looking after me. He isn’t being my Nathan.
I frown at the notion. Was he ever my Nathan, or was he just on loan?
We need to talk. God, we need to talk, and I know he’s still angry about what Jolie said to him the other night, but he’s locked me out.
He’s cold and detached.
He told me that he doesn’t want Robert, that he loves me and that he wants a future with me…. but actions speak louder than words.
I keep hearing his voice as it cracked last night. He was so hurt by Robert’s admission of love.
And if he didn’t feel the same, it wouldn’t have affected him the way it did.
I have this sinking feeling, and as much as I hate to admit it but I don’t know if he would still be here if the pregnancy wasn’t hanging over us. I close my eyes, it’s too painful to comprehend.
I’m dreading being pregnant… but I’m dreading not being pregnant more.
If I’m pregnant, he’s trapped. If I’m not,…. he’s free to go… to him.
My eyes well with tears at the thought.
I feel sick to my stomach and have thrown up twice.
I get a vision of him and Robert living happily ever after, and me, alone and brokenhearted.
Ten years. Ten years of love and friendship. It’s a lot to lose.
I angrily wipe my tears away. Stop being so negative. It’s going to be fine.
He loves me—I know he loves me—but, deep down, I know he loves Robert, too. I put my head into my hands in sadness.
It isn’t supposed to be like this. I’m thirty-one years old and I feel like an insecure teenager, scared that my douche of a boyfriend wants somebody else.
But then the sad reality sets in. My boyfriend isn’t a douchebag. He’s a beautiful man who I am deeply in love with.
Is his heart aching for someone else?
My chest constricts, how would I recover from this…if… .
The key turns in the door, and my heart somersaults in my chest. Nathan comes into view and gives me a lopsided smile. “Hi.”
“Hi.” I stand and go to him. He kisses me on the cheek before he brushes past me.
My heart drops at his cold demeanour.
He rattles through his briefcase and produces a brown paper bag. He pulls out a pregnancy test and holds it out for me.
“Can you take this, please?”
I stare at his haunted face as more hope about us is lost. I just want to howl to the moon. “Sure.” I take it from him and walk into the bathroom.
My heartbeat echoes in my ears.
I lock the bathroom door and open the box. I wipe my eyes with my sleeve so I can try and read the blurred instructions.
How can he be so cold?
I pee on the stick, and before I look at the result, I walk back out into the living room and I pass it to him.
We stare at each other for a moment, and I screw up my face in tears.
“Don’t cry,” he whispers.
“How can I not?” I sob. “Look at how you’re treating me.”
“I’m just… we�
�re not ready for children, Eliza.”
“You know what?” I cry. “Just fucking go, Nathan. You want to, so don’t let me and a baby hold you back.”
I can’t take this. I need to get away from him. I grab my bag and storm toward the door but Nathan jumps up and grabs me from behind.
“Don’t go,” He says into my hair as he holds me tight.
“What do you want, Nathan?” I whisper. “Is it me or him?”
“It’s you. You know it’s you.”
“Then why are you acting like this?”
“I don’t know,” he whispers as he holds me tightly.
He holds the test up in front of us, and we both read it at the same time.
One line.
One line…
“It’s negative,” he whispers. “But still too early to tell.” He holds me tighter.
I struggle to break free from his grip. “Let me go, Nathan.” I cry.
“I can’t.”
“You’re no good to me if you’re confused,” I whisper angrily.
“Don’t, baby,” he murmurs into my hair.
“Let me fucking go.” I burst out of his arms.
“Don’t you dare walk out that fucking door.”
“Or what?” I cry.
“I mean it,” he warns. His chest rises and falls, as if he’s struggling for control.
We glare at each other. His face is full of fury, and my heart is splintered into a million pieces. “Why are you being like this?” I whisper.
He runs his hands through his hair in frustration. “I’m just fucking stressed out, okay?”
“About what?”
“You have to ask?” he cries, as if outraged.
I stare at him, my mind a clusterfuck of confusion. What the hell is going on here?
What’s happening between us?
This is pointless. I’m not going to get anywhere with him tonight. I don’t want to fight anymore, and I don’t know what to say to make this better.
What is there to say?
“I’m going to bed.” I sigh. I walk up the hall and into the bedroom, and I shut the door behind me.
It’s 2:00 a.m, and I lie in the darkness and listen to Nathan’s regulated breathing.
He kissed me on the cheek to say goodnight before he went to sleep.
