by Swan, T L
She’s in her hotel.
My chest tightens as I watch it. Her phone is a hotline to my heart. It brings back everything, and I see her laughing and smiling up at me. I see us making love and lying together naked. I remember the happiness I felt in her arms.
With a shaky hand, I refill my glass and drain it. Then, I do it again. I just want to sleep. I want to wake up and not feel like this.
I close my eyes as her betrayal washes over me.
It’s cold, bitter, and it hurts like hell.
One month later: September
I sit at the bar and stare at the screen on the wall.
I’m in a dark place.
Twenty-nine days without her. Twenty-nine days in a cage of living hell.
I miss her.
I miss who I am when she’s beside me.
Happiness.
The elusive emotion.
I’m angry that my life has turned out the way it has.
I’m not talking to Robert for purposely hurting Eliza. I’m not talking to Eliza for purposely hurting me.
I’ve never felt so alone and I don’t know how to pull myself out of this.
I know I need to. This can’t go on. Every day, I tell myself that this is the last day I will let myself feel like this, and yet, every day I wake up and do it again.
I exhale heavily as the noise from the bar bustles around me. I’m lost in my pity party for one.
“Hi there,” a voice from behind me says.
I turn to see a man standing there. “Hi.”
He gestures to the stool beside me. “Mind if I take a seat?”
I shrug. “Sure.”
He sits down and orders a drink. “I’m Anthony.”
“Hi.” I raise my eyebrows as I stare straight ahead.
Fuck off, Anthony. I am not in the mood to talk shit tonight.
The bartender puts Anthony’s drink down in front of him, and he takes a sip. “Do you have a name?”
“Nathan.” I turn my attention to him.
He smiles as he sips his drink as his eyes linger on my face. He has dark hair and an athletic physique.
“Are you always so rude?” he asks me.
I exhale heavily. “Apologies. I’ve just had the worst month of my life. Not really in the mood for talking.”
“That makes two of us.”
I nod and continue to stare straight ahead. “Well, you seem to be talking just fine.” I sigh.
He chuckles. “I could talk underwater. What happened to you?” He lifts his scotch to his lips.
“Girlfriend left me.” I glance over at him. “You?”
“Boyfriend left me.”
I nod, and we both exhale heavily as we get lost in our own thoughts.
“So, if you’re not in the mood for talking, why did you come out?” he asks.
I shrug. “Trying to drag myself out of this hole. I’m sick of being home alone. You?”
“Same.” He smiles over at me. “I guess I was looking for someone to take my mind off my problems.”
His eyes hold mine, and the air buzzes between us.
He puts his hand on my thigh and slides it up my leg. “I was hoping to run into someone like you,” he whispers.
“Is that so?”
“Do you want to go back to my place?” He shrugs. “We can… talk… in private.”
My eyebrow rises. “Naked?” I ask.
“That’s what I was hoping for.”
We stare at each other as the air between us swirls with something dark and familiar.
The chance to not feel—to block everything out.
A reprieve from reality.
I drain my drink and slam it down on the bar. “Let’s go.”
Eliza
October
“Eliza, go home.” Miranda, my boss, smiles. “You have three whole days off. What are you going to do?”
“Nothing much. Go to the gym, walk in Central Park, food shopping. Same stuff, different week.”
Miranda laughs. “Well, enjoy the sunshine. The weather is supposed to be beautiful this week.”
“Thanks.” I grab my bag from my locker. “See you on Friday.”
I walk up the hall toward the elevator. I love this job. I love this hospital. I feel really at home here. This is my tenth week in New York. I’ve made a few friends from the gym and I’m trying to keep myself busy.
I had no idea what I was signing myself up for when I moved across the country. Thinking back, it was so incredibly brave… or just plain stupid.
Either way, my plan didn’t work.
I haven’t heard from Nathan since the day I told him I was thinking about leaving.
So much for giving him space to sort his feelings out. I really thought we were more than this.
I exhale heavily and make my way out into the bus bay. I cross my arms and wrap my jacket around me. It’s dark and cold. Every day, it’s like I play this little game with myself. How long can I act happy before I crack and have a complete meltdown?
Tears threaten, constantly. It just takes one thing to trigger a memory, one song, the tiniest little thing, and I’m back in Heartbreak Hell, as if it just happened.
It’s hard to pretend that the love of my life hasn’t ripped my fucking heart out.
I’m losing hope. I thought it would take Nathan two weeks, at the most, to miss me.
I guess not.
The bus pulls up, and I climb on and show the driver my pass. I take a seat by the window and stare as the scenery goes rushing by.
I feel like I’m living in a detached state, hovering way above and watching myself from the sky. Living life as normal, while dealing with an insidious disease.
A frostbitten heart.
Every day, it freezes a little more and I lose another piece of myself. It’s like the Antarctica and my heart is an iceberg, slowly melting and dripping into the sea.
Never to be whole again.
I keep reminding myself that I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m working and financially independent. There are no children involved. I’m free to move on with my life.
But if I had a baby, I would have a piece of him.
One that I could keep.
I inhale deeply as I close my eyes and repeat my mantra.
No tears. No more tears.
I thought I was braver than this. I don’t know why this break up has messed me up so hard but I’m going to pull myself together. I really am.
I have to.
“Is this seat taken?” a man asks.
“No.” I shuffle over to make room for him, and he takes a seat.
The bus travels along the road, and I stare up at the moon.
It’s big and round and I wonder if Nathan is looking up at it, too.
I get off the bus and arrive at my building. I see a familiar face, and I run to her.
April has surprised me, and I jump into her arms.
Feeling the safety of her love brings down my walls, and I find myself crying into her shoulder.
“It’s okay, baby. I’m here now. I’ve got you,” she whispers as she holds me tightly.
And for the first time in so long, I feel safe. April’s here.
I feel loved.
Nathan
November
I copy the number from my computer screen into my phone, and I wait as it rings.
“Hello, Laser Clinic,” the chirpy voice answers.
I swivel in my chair. “Hello, I would like to make an appointment for a consultation, please. I’ll need the latest in the day or after business hours, if possible.”
“Of course, what is the consult in regards to?”
“Tattoo removal.”
I can hear her typing into her computer. “And what and where is the tattoo you want removed?”
“Lower right side, rib cage, and it’s of three birds.”
“Okay, did you want them fully removed?”
“Yes, completely gone.”
“And how long have you h
ad them for?”
I frown as I think. “About five or six months.”
“Oh, so they are relatively new?”
It feels like a lifetime ago since I got them. “I guess.”
“And reason for the removal?”
“Come again?” I frown. Nosy fucking bitch. Why does she need to know this shit?
“I mean, is there a problem with the tattoo, such as inferior workmanship, etcetera?”
“Ah,” I pause as I choose my words carefully. “No, I… they aren’t what I thought they would be. I just need them removed immediately.”
“Okay, I can book you in on the twenty-third of this month.”
“There’s nothing sooner?” I frown.
“No, I’m sorry. That’s our first available late appointment. We can do 6:00 p.m..”
Maybe I should call someone else? I exhale heavily. I want it done tonight. Fuck it. I don’t want to be reminded of what I don’t have every day when I look in the mirror. “Yes, that’s fine.” I sigh.
“Okay, great, we will see you then. Do you know our address?”
I look at the website. “You on Pitt Street?”
“That’s right. We will see you soon.”
“Thank you, goodbye.”
My intercom sounds.
“Yes, Maria?” I say.
“Dr. Mercer, have you got the dictation on the reporting that you want done this afternoon?”
“It won’t be long.”
“Sir, I need it if you—”
“I am well aware, Maria,” I snap, cutting her off. “Please, just do as I ask you to do, when I ask you to do it. I don’t want to hear your opinion.” I bark.
“Yes, Doctor.”
I roll my eyes. I’m sick to fucking death of her busting my balls.
“We also need to go through your schedule for the next two months.”
“Not today.”
“I need it today. Your waiting list is out of control, and I need to know when I can make appointments.”
I close my eyes in frustration. God, give me strength.
“Maria?”
“Yes, Doctor?”
“When I say not today, I mean not today. Do you understand what that means or do I need to bring you out a copy of the English dictionary?”
“Yes, Doctor.”
“Goodbye.” I push the intercom with force. Fucking hell, that woman is nagging me to death.
I press the button on my voice recorder and begin to go through my recorded notes. There’s a knock on the door, and it opens before I can say anything.
Maria comes in with a cup of coffee and a piece of chocolate cake. She places it in front of me, and I narrow my eyes. “What is this?”
“Cake, to sweeten you up.” She fusses around and cleans my desk, leaving me to sit back and watch her.
“Move,” she orders as she goes to wipe my desk down.
I sit back to give her space. I watch her for a few minutes. “Are you finished?”
“Nearly.”
“Well, hurry up.” I sigh. “And stop nagging me.”
“You stop being a grumpy ass.” She neatens the magazines.
I smirk. She’s got me. I am a grumpy ass. “How do you put up with me, Maria?” I ask.
“It is not without difficulty, sir.”
I chuckle.
She keeps fussing about. “Eliza is doing well in New York.”
I sit up. “What? How do you know?”
“I called her today. I needed her help with a program she installed for us on the computer.”
“Well,… w-wh… what did she say?” I stammer.
“That she is enjoying New York.” She keeps wiping my desk. “She asked how you were.”
“What did you tell her?”
“I told her that you were miserable.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Because you are. Only you are too stupid to see it.”
“Get out of the way.” I swat her away from my desk. “I’m not paying you to give out your opinion, Maria, especially when it’s deluded. Stay out of my business.” She stops and puts her hands on her hips. “Look me in the eye and tell me you aren’t miserable, Nathan.”
“You know, some employers fire staff who overstep the line.” I huff.
She smirks and puts her hand on my shoulder as she walks past me. “Yes, sir.”
“Get out and stop patronising me.” I turn back to my computer.
Maria gets to the door and turns back. “Oh… and Dr. Mercer?”
“For God’s sake, woman, what is it?” I growl.
“Eliza is still single.”
My eyes hold hers, and I clench my jaw. “And why would I need to know that piece of information, Maria?”
She shrugs casually. “Just an observation, sir.”
I roll my eyes. “Unfucking-believable,” I mutter under my breath.
“Yes, I thought so, too. A woman as beautiful as Eliza? I was positive that she would have been snapped up by one of those hot businessmen by now.”
I point to the door. “Out! Or so help me God, woman.”
The door closes, and then she pokes her head back around. “Eat your cake.”
“Get out!”
She smiles and goes to say something else. I stand and storm to the door to close it on her face.
Fuck me. That woman is annoying.
* * *
It’s 1:00 a.m., and I find myself here again.
The Escape Club.
The place full of beautiful women where anything goes.
Even my memories disappear, if only for a short time. At least it’s a reprieve.
“Hello, sir.” The beautiful brunette smiles.
My eyes drop down her almost naked body and back up to her face. I feel the pulse in my cock as it comes alive with hunger.
“I’m Mahalia. How can we help you tonight?”
“I’d like a private room, please.” I hand over my membership card.
“Of course.” She smiles. “You know where to go?”
“Up the stairs and to the left.”
“Yes.” She rises up on her toes and kisses my ear. My hand goes to her behind, and I drag her over my cock.
“It’s good to see you again, sir,” she whispers.
I smirk as her hot breath dusts the skin on my neck.
There’s something so refreshingly freeing about fucking for fun.
I turn to walk up the stairs before I turn back to her. “Oh, and Mahalia?”
“Yes, sir?”
“I’d like two girls tonight. Brunettes.”
She smiles darkly. “Of course, sir.” She types something into her computer and then her eyes come back to mine. “Enjoy.”
The air buzzes between us.
“I always do.”
* * *
I stand under the shower with the hot water running over my head.
I exhale heavily and close my eyes in regret as I drag my hands down my face.
Here we go again.
The comedown after the high.
No matter when I fuck, who I fuck, or how hard I fuck, it always comes to a crashing halt.
I feel like shit for days.
Because it wasn’t her, and I cheated again.
Only I didn’t cheat because we aren’t together.
I just don’t know how to get my heart to understand that.
I rest my forehead against the hard, cold tiles. Regret runs through my soul.
Let me go, Eliza. Let me go.
25
Eliza
December
The table is full of laughter and chatter. I watch on as April talks to our grandfather. I’m so happy she could come home for the holidays. It’s Christmas day, and I am back in Florida. I should have really been working, but the thought of spending the holiday on my own was all too much.
This is my first Christmas alone. Normally, Nathan has come to my house or I have gone to his family’s.
This year, it
’s different.
Nathan’s parents called me this morning to say Merry Christmas. They said they wished I was there. I wonder if they even know that we were together.
I never told them, and Nathan’s mom has visited me in New York twice for lunch and never once has Nathan been mentioned. I had to bite my tongue the entire time so I didn’t blurt out and tell her what a jackass her beloved son is.
Well, that’s not true. He’s not a jackass… just to me.
I’m doing a little better—feeling proud of myself for staying strong.
I got a promotion at work and am settling in more. I’ve met three really nice girls, and we have started hanging out and doing things. I even got asked on a date this week by a security guard at my building. I mean, I’m not going or anything, but it gives me hope, you know?
Maybe there is life after Nathan Mercer.
Surely a lesson that hurt that bad has to teach me something, and what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, right?
I smile sadly as I sip my wine. I thought it was going to kill me for a while there.
I had an ache in my chest that just wouldn’t go away. It’s funny you know, I always thought that my grand love story was going to have a happy ending. Never once did I think that, once I fell in love with my soul mate, it wouldn’t work out.
I know that eventually I’ll meet someone else, but I can’t imagine ever loving someone as much as I loved Nathan. It’s like I’m grieving a death.
But it’s the death of who I thought I was—of who I thought my best friend was.
A death of all my hopes and dreams.
My phone dances on the table, and the name Henry lights up the screen. I smile and get up from the table.
Henry Morgan has surprised me. He’s kept in contact, and we’ve become friends. He’s called weekly to check in on me. He’s uncomplicated, refreshingly open, and I do enjoy talking to him.
“What do you want?” I answer with a smirk as I walk out onto the deck.
“Merry Christmas, old bag.”
I giggle. “Let me guess: you’re home alone, desperate and dateless.”
He chuckles. “Why else would I be calling you?”
“I thought as much.” I smile. “Merry Christmas, Henry.”
“Was Santa good to you?”
