by Swan, T L
“Ha.” I laugh. “The old bastard forgot where I lived.”
“Yeah, me, too. I was hoping to wake up to a sack of hot Christmas fairies under my tree. The ones with two vaginas.”
I laugh out loud. “I haven’t heard of those kind of fairies.”
“Yes, only the very good get them.”
“Ah, that explains a lot. What are you doing today?” I ask.
“With the fam. You?”
“Same, I go back to New York on Wednesday.”
“I have some time off. Can I come and visit?” he offers.
I scrunch my eyes shut. He’s asked me this before, and I don’t want to go there with him. I know what’s going to happen if he comes to visit me. Our conversations skate along the edge of flirting often.
“Not yet,” I reply. “I’m not ready for visitors yet. You’ll have to stick to your Christmas fairies for a while.”
He chuckles. “Okay, your loss. You can’t really compete with doubled-pussy fairies, anyway.”
I laugh. “Undoubtedly.”
“Eliza!” my mother calls. “Dessert.”
“I’ve got to go.”
“Okay, I’ll call you next week.”
I smile. “Bye, Henry. Merry Christmas.”
“Bye, Lize. Have a great day.”
Nathan
January
“Hi, there,” the sexy voice behind me rasps. “Where have you been?”
I turn, surprised. “Stephanie, hi.” I force a smile.
“Have you been avoiding me?” she purrs.
I chuckle. “I couldn’t even if I tried.”
“This is true.” Her sultry eyes hold mine, and I know she has something on her mind. Stephanie always has something on her mind. And, yes, I have been avoiding her like the plague.
“What are you doing tonight?” She goes up onto her toes as if distracted. “Do you want to get a drink?”
“Ah.” I raise my eyebrow in frustration. “I thought we already established this.” I exhale heavily. I need to just come out and say it…again. “That’s not a good idea, Steph.”
“Why not?”
“I told you already. I’m not into you that way.”
“She’s not coming back, Nathan.” She snaps.
“I know.”
“So, let me get this straight. You won’t sleep with me because you don’t want to upset her.” She puts her hand on her hip in a huff. “But you’re not even together anymore. Isn’t that slightly ridiculous?”
My temper bubbles close to the surface. “Listen, not that it’s any of your business,” I whisper angrily. “It’s true, Eliza will never know if I slept with you. But I’ll know. Since you are a trigger for her, I’m not fucking going there.” I glare at her. “I have told you this, time and time again. I am not having this conversation with you anymore.” I become exasperated. Her constantly trying to get into my pants is really beginning to piss me off. “Get it through your head. Do you fucking understand?”
“You owe her nothing. I can please you in ways she never could.”
“Goodbye, Stephanie.” I turn away from her. “Keep this up and I don’t even want to talk to you anymore as a friend. It’s getting ridiculous.”
She grabs my arm, leans in and whispers. “Let’s have a party for three with your ex!”
“Let’s not.” I roll my eyes. “And I don’t sleep with him, either.”
“Because of her?”
“Yes. Because of her.” I whisper angrily. “Robert and I are just friends. That has been well and truly established since I…” My voice trails off. Why am I explaining myself to her? “Goodbye, Stephanie.”
I walk down the corridor and into my office. Fuck.
How in the hell did I ever think that woman was attractive?
I need a vacation.
Eliza
February
“Happy Birthday, Alex.” I smile down the phone.
“Ah, my favorite girl.” He laughs. “Thank you, Lize.”
I miss this guy. “How are you?”
“I’m good, how are you?”
“Great,” I lie.
“How’s New York?”
“It’s good. It took a while to get used to but I’m getting there.”
“When are you going home to San Fran?”
“Ah…” I hesitate. “Soon.”
“Mom said she saw you last week. She makes up excuses to come to New York and have lunch with you, you know.”
I laugh. “Oh, I love her. She makes my week when she comes to visit.”
“Have you spoken to Nathe?”
“No.” I sigh. “I haven’t heard from him.”
“Have you called him?”
“No.”
“How long has it been?”
“Six months or so.” My heart constricts at the mere mention of his name. “Is he okay?” I hold my breath as I wait for his answer.
“He misses you.”
I close my eyes. “Has he said anything?”
“He won’t let me talk about you at all. I have no idea what’s going on with him. He goes fucking psycho if I even mention your name.”
“Is he seeing anyone?” I ask nervously.
“Not that I know of.”
“I left him a letter.” I exhale heavily. “I honestly thought we would work this out, Alex.”
“What did the letter say?”
“Why I left, and how I was giving him space to finalize his past. I told him that I would be here waiting for him with open arms when he did.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Why didn’t you two go to couples therapy?”
“What do you mean?” I frown.
“Well, you had so much to lose, and he was seeing a therapist at the time, so why didn’t you ever go and see the quack with him and get professional help with all this shit? You’re both so stubborn that you can’t see the woods for the trees.”
I frown. “I never thought of that.”
“Well, I was thinking about you the other day, and I wondered.”
“Who is his therapist?” I ask.
“Elliot someone.”
“Yes, I remember.” Hmm, I think for a moment. “I’m going to look this doctor up and maybe call him.”
“It can’t hurt. And hey, why don’t you call Nathan while you’re at it?”
“I’ve nearly called him a million times.” I smile.
“So…why didn’t you?”
“You know why we broke up, right?”
“Yes, it’s the tragic version of Pride and Prejudice.” He sighs.
“Why would you say that?”
“Well, your prejudice and his pride.”
“I don’t have a prejudice.” I frown.
“Yes, you did.”
“How?” I scoff.
“Well, you feared he was going to go back to a man.”
“That’s a legitimate fear, Alex.”
“If he was straight and you met him, would you fear that he would go back to another woman?”
“Well, no… but, that’s different.”
“That’s how Nathan sees it… in black and white.”
“That’s not… that’s not a prejudice, Alex.”
“Isn’t it?” He pauses for a moment. “Did you treat him the same as you would have treated a straight boyfriend?”
My heart sinks. I didn’t. I was led by fear. “Look, I know I wasn’t the innocent party in this. We both handled things badly. But I tried to save us.”
“How?”
“The letter. I begged him to work things out and come find me. He never did, Alex. What was I supposed to do? Call him every day and beg until he gave in? He needs to want this, too. There are two of us, and I’ve made my wishes known.”
He exhales heavily. “You two are fucked up.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.” I smile sadly. “But you’re right; I’m going to call Elliot and see if I can have a
phone appointment with him. Maybe he can give me some clarity or direction. I mean, I know it’s too late for Nathe and me, but maybe he can help me learn from my mistakes and move forward.”
“That’s a great idea.”
“It’s so nice talking to you.” I smile. “Can you do me a favor?” I ask.
“What’s that?”
“Can you check on your brother for me? I really worry about him.”
“Okay. I will.”
“Call me anytime if you need me.”
“I will.” He pauses. “Take care, babe.”
“You, too. Happy birthday.”
He chuckles. “I’m getting fucking old.”
“It’s true, you are.”
“Bye, Lize.”
“Bye, Alex.”
May
“Knock, knock!” I call.
“Eliza.” Neil rushes to hug me. I’ve finally given in and come to visit Nathan’s parents in Vermont. “Come, come in.” He ushers me into the house. “It’s been too long since you came home.”
Home. This isn’t my home, this is Nathan’s. Ugh, this was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have come.
“Come in, love,” Phyllis says as she pulls me in for a hug. “I’ve made us a cake.” She squeezes me in an embrace. “It’s so good to see you.”
I smile into her shoulder. “You, too.” I look around the familiar home. “What’s new?”
“We have three new calves.” Neil smiles proudly.
“You do?” My eyes widen. “Oh, let’s go see them.”
“I’ve been saving their births for your visit.” He gives me a cheeky wink, and I laugh.
“So, you can actually save births now?” I tease as I link my arm through his and we make the way out the back door.
“For you, my darling,” he taps my hand on his arm, “I would do anything.”
It’s late afternoon and nearly time for me to drive my rental car back to New York. Nathan’s parents want me to stay the night but it feels off.
We are sitting around the kitchen island counter, having a last cup of coffee before I leave.
“Oh, you didn’t tell me about your vacation in Hawaii.” I gasp as I remember.
Nathan’s mother’s eyes nearly pop out of her head. “Oh my God, we had the best time, Eliza. Hawaii! You need to go.”
“Yes, I know, I’ve been. Nathan and I went years ago, remember? You went with the Hendersons, right?”
“Yes. Oh, boy, we’re not travelling with them again. All they did was fight and bicker the entire time.”
“Really?” I frown. What in the hell do sixty year olds fight about on vacation?
She rolls her eyes. “Every little thing was a drama.”
“That woman’s a bitch,” Neil admits. “Glad I’m not married to her, that’s for sure.”
“Moaning and whining all the time about every little thing.” Phyllis sighs.
I laugh. Who knew people were still bitching at that age? I learned something today.
“Go get the photos for me to show Eliza, Neil,” Phyllis says. “I just had some developed last week.”
“Where are they?” he asks.
“They’re in an envelope in the top drawer. I haven’t put them in the album yet.”
He toddles off, and I sip my coffee. “We went to this one restaurant one night and it was so good,” Phyllis continues.
Neil passes me the envelope of photos, and I begin to go through them as Phyllis tells me every little detail of their ten-day itinerary.
I look at each photo and turn over to read the back. Phyllis always writes the location and date that the photo was taken on the back of every photo. She’s done it for forever. I keep flicking through the images when I get to one of Nathan. He’s at the beach, wearing only board shorts, standing knee high in the ocean.
My chest tightens at the sight of him. It’s been so long.
Wait. Did he go with them? I turn the picture over and read the back.
Nathan, Ibiza, December 28th
What?
Nathan went to Ibiza for New Year. Are you kidding me?
Phyllis keeps rattling on, and I keep flicking through the images. Another image of Nathan comes up, and it’s obvious that Phyllis has forgotten these are mixed with hers. It’s a picture of Nathan on a deckchair, at the beach, shirtless. He’s laughing and reaching for the camera.
Nathan, Ibiza, December
Who took this photo?
I stare at it for a moment. He looks so relaxed. My heartbeat begins to thump hard in my chest and I flick through the images again. I get to the next image, and my heart drops. It’s a picture of Robert.
On the same beach as Nathan.
I turn the image over and read the back for confirmation.
Robert, Ibiza, December
Wow.
I sit back in my seat.
And there it is, in black and white. Well, not black and white. More like bright and beautiful colors.
I think back to December, and while I was lying on my couch in the fetal position, crying, he was in Ibiza with Robert.
They are together.
It wasn’t in my imagination at all. All this time, I was blaming myself, thinking that maybe I had overreacted.
I fake a smile as if unrattled, and I flick through the rest of the images on autopilot. I don’t want to know anymore.
I want to get the hell out of here because I’m pathetic, and he’s nothing but a fucking asshole.
I gave him time to sort himself out, and I thought that maybe his heart was broken, too—that maybe he was coming back for me.
What a joke.
I hand the photos back and stand. “I have to go.”
“Oh.” Phyllis’ face falls. “You sure you don’t want to stay the night, love?”
“I can’t.” I smile as I walk toward the door. “I’m sorry.” I hug Neil. “Thanks for today.” I close my eyes as I hug him really tightly. I know that this will be my last hug with Neil. I’m never coming back here.
I’m not giving Nathan Mercer one more fucking tear.
I give Phyllis a hug, and my eyes well with tears. It sucks that I have to lose these two people, too. “Okay.” I quickly brush past them to get outside. “Goodbye!” I call as I walk to the car.
I don’t want them to see my face. I don’t want them to know that I know.
I get in the car and start the engine with a rev as I fake a smile and wave. I put the car into reverse, and without looking back, I drive out of the driveway and out of Nathan Mercer’s life.
I’m fucking done.
* * *
It’s Tuesday and my finger hovers over the name:
Henry Morgan
It’s time. I need to move on. And I know just how to do it. I dial his number.
“Hey. What do you want?” he answers with an obvious smile.
“Are you still coming to the conference in New York on Friday?” I blurt out before I can reconsider.
“I am.”
“Let’s go out Friday night.”
“Ah.” He chuckles. “Finally, I’ve been waiting for you to want to see me.”
My eyes close. He’s such a flirt. “Well, I do, so hurry up and get here.”
Nathan
I’m sitting in the waiting room, looking around at the people sitting and waiting. What are they all doing here?
An elderly woman, a young man, a couple in the corner.
They all look so put together, as if nothing could possibly be off in their lives.
And then, there’s me. The perfect illusion.
Expensive suit, good-looking by society’s standards, financially independent, fit and healthy. A heart surgeon at the top of his game. No procedure on the operating table scares him, but then he’s also someone who drives around the block ten times every night before he can muster up the courage to go into his apartment.
That guy hates going home because it reminds him of her.
Home isn’t home anymore, and nothing
is what it’s supposed to be.
I’m fucked up. I’m fucked up, bad.
And I’m really trying to pull myself out of this, but every day without Eliza, I feel like I lose a little more of my sanity. Things are going from bad to worse.
Everything is coming to a head, and I’m not sleeping again, which is dangerous in my profession. I’m taking sleeping tablets to get in four to five hours a night, and even then, my body fights it.
I inhale sharply. I’ve come to a new therapist today. I’m not getting anywhere with Elliot. I want a new perspective. One from a female.
The door opens, and a woman walks out into the waiting room. “Nathan?”
I stand. “Yes.”
She gives me a kind smile. “This way, please.” She shakes my hand. “My name is Amanda.”
“Hello, Amanda.” I nod.
She holds her hand out. “Please, take a seat.”
* * *
“Is the room satisfactory, Mr. Mercer?” the girl from reception asks.
“Yes.” I smile.
“Your luggage will be up in a moment.” With a kind nod, she heads toward the door.
“Thank you.”
The door clicks, and I look around the penthouse.
I’m in Majorca, in the same apartment that Eliza and I spent our vacation together.
I walk out onto the balcony and stare out over the sea. The breeze whips at my hair, and a flood of memories wash over me like a warm bath.
I smile, I feel at peace here. It’s like I can feel the closeness that Eliza and I shared. It lingers in the air like a wonderful perfume.
This is a special place, and I came here to try and find some clarity. This heartache isn’t going away. If anything, it’s getting worse by the day. I was positive that it would be fine, and that everything would pan out as it was supposed to. But it doesn’t feel like that. It’s like I’m fighting against fate.
With every breath that I take, I feel it. The weight of what I have lost is a heavy load to carry.
Follow your gut.
The age old saying is supposed to lead me in the right direction. But unfortunately, my gut has left the building, along with all rationality.
