Zami

by Audre Lorde

  ‘Con su permiso,’ he said with relief, and left quickly.

  ‘Eudora, what’s wrong?’ I moved toward her, and she caught me at arm’s length.

  ‘Go home, Chica. Don’t get involved in this.’

  ‘Involved in what? What’s going on?’ I shrugged off her hands.

  ‘She thinks she can steal my bookstore, ruin my life, and still have me around whenever she wants me. But she’s not going to get away with it any more. I’m going to get my money!’ Eudora hugged me tightly for a moment, then pushed me away. There was a strange acrid smell upon her.

  ‘Goodbye, Chica. Go on back to Frieda’s house. This doesn’t concern you. And have a good trip. When you come back next time we’ll go to Jalisco, to Guadalajara, or maybe up to Yucatan. They’re starting a new dig there I’m going to cover …’

  ‘Eudora, I can’t leave you like this. Please. Let me stay!’ If only I could hold her. I reached out to touch her again, and Eudora whirled away, almost tripping over the table.

  ‘No, I said.’ Her voice was nasty, harsh, like gravel. ‘Get out! What makes you think you can come into someone’s life on a visa and expect …’

  I flinched in horror at her tone. Then I recognized the smell as tequila, and I realized she had been drinking already. Maybe it was the look on my face that stopped her. Eudora’s voice changed. Slowly, carefully – almost gently – she said, ‘You can’t handle this, Chica. I’ll be all right. But I want you to leave, right now, because it’s going to get worse, and I do not want you around to see it. Please. Go.’

  It was as clear and as direct as anything Eudora had ever said to me. There was anger and sadness beneath the surface of her words that I still did not understand. She picked up the bottle from the table and flopped into the armchair heavily, her back to me. I had been dismissed.

  I wanted to burst into tears. Instead, I picked up my suitcase. I stood there, feeling like I’d been kicked in the stomach, feeling afraid, feeling useless.

  Almost as if I’d spoken, Eudora’s voice came muffled through the back of the armchair.

  ‘I said I’ll be all right. Now go.’

  I moved forward and kissed the top of her tousled head, her spice-flower smells now mixed with the acrid smell of tequila.

  ‘All right, Eudora, I’m going. Goodbye. But I’m coming back. In three weeks, I’ll be back.’

  It was not only a cry of pain, but a new determination to finish something I had begun, to stick with – what? A commitment my body had made? or with the tenderness which flooded through me at the curve of her head over the back of the chair?

  To stick with something that had passed between us, and not lose myself. And not lose myself.

  Eudora had not ignored me. Eudora had not made me invisible. Eudora had acted directly towards me.

  She had sent me away.

  I was hurt, but not lost. And in that moment, as in the first night when I held her, I felt myself pass beyond childhood, a woman connecting with other women in an intricate, complex, and ever-widening network of exchanging strengths.

  ‘Goodbye, Eudora.’

  When I arrived back in Cuernavaca just before the rains – tired, dirty, and exhilarated – I headed for Frieda’s house and my clean clothes. She and Tammy had just come in from the farm in Tepotzlán.

  ‘How’s Eudora?’ I asked Frieda, as Tammy fetched us cool drinks from the kitchen.

  ‘She’s left town, moved up to the District, finally. I hear she’s reporting for a new daily up there.’

  Gone. ‘Where’s she living?’ I asked dully.

  ‘Nobody has her address,’ Frieda said, quickly. ‘I understand there was one hell of a brawl up at the compound between her and La Señora. But evidently they must have gotten their business settled, because Eudora left soon afterwards. It all happened right after you left.’ Frieda sipped her fresca slowly. Glancing at me, she took some change from her pocket and sent Tammy to the market for bread.

  I carefully kept what I hoped was an impassive expression on my face as I toyed with my fruit drink, screaming inside. But Frieda put her drink down, leaned forward, and patted me on the arm reassuringly.

  ‘Now don’t worry about her,’ she said kindly. ‘That was the best thing in the world Eudora could have done for herself, getting out of this fishbowl. If I wasn’t afraid of losing Tammy to her father in the states, I think I’d leave tomorrow.’ She settled back in her chair, and fixed me with her level, open gaze.

  ‘Anyway, you’re going back home next week, aren’t you?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said, knowing what she was saying and that she was quite right.

  ‘But I hope to come back some day.’ I thought of the ruins at Chichen-Itzá, of the Olmec heads in Tabasco, and Eudora’s excited running commentaries.

  ‘I’m sure you will, then,’ Frieda said, encouragingly.

  I returned to New York on the night of July 4th. The humid heat was oppressive after the dry hot climate of Mexico. As I got out of the taxi on Seventh Street, the sound of firecrackers was everywhere. They sounded thinner and higher than the fireworks in Mexico.

  23

  I remember how being young and Black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.

  There were no mothers, no sisters, no heroes. We had to do it alone, like our sister Amazons, the riders on the loneliest outposts of the kingdom of Dahomey. We, young and Black and fine and gay, sweated out our first heartbreaks with no school nor office chums to share that confidence over lunch hour. Just as there were no rings to make tangible the reason for our happy secret smiles, there were no names nor reason given or shared for the tears that messed up the lab reports or the library bills.

  We were good listeners, and never asked for double dates, but didn’t we know the rules? Why did we always seem to think friendships between women were important enough to care about? Always we moved in a necessary remoteness that made ‘What did you do this weekend?’ seem like an impertinent question. We discovered and explored our attention to women alone, sometimes in secret, sometimes in defiance, sometimes in little pockets that almost touched (‘Why are those little Black girls always either whispering together or fighting?’) but always alone, against a greater aloneness. We did it cold turkey, and although it resulted in some pretty imaginative tough women when we survived, too many of us did not survive at all.

  I remember Muff, who sat on the same seat in the same dark corner of the Pony Stable Bar drinking the same gin year after year. One day she slipped off onto the floor and died of a stroke right there between the stools. We found out later her real name was Josephine.

  During the fifties in the Village, I didn’t know the few other Black women who were visibly gay at all well. Too often we found ourselves sleeping with the same white women. We recognized ourselves as exotic sister-outsiders who might gain little from banding together. Perhaps our strength might lay in our fewness, our rarity. That was the way it was Downtown. And Uptown, meaning the land of Black people, seemed very far away and hostile territory.

  Diane was fat, and Black, and beautiful, and knew it long before it became fashionable to think so. Her cruel tongue was used to great advantage, spilling out her devastatingly uninhibited wit to demolish anyone who came too close to her; that is, when she wasn’t busy deflowering the neighborhood’s resident virgins. One day I noticed her enormous bosom which matched my own and it felt quite comforting rather than competitive. It was clothed in a CCNY sweatshirt, and I realized in profound shock that someone else besides me in the Village gay-girl scene was a closet student at one of the Uptown (meaning past 14th Street) colleges. We would rather have died than mention classes, or tests, or any books other than those everyone else was discussing. This was the fifties and the gulf between the Village gay scene and the college crowd was sharper and far more acrimonious than any town-gown war.

  There were not enough of us. But we surely tried. I remember thi
nking for a while that I was the only Black lesbian living in the Village, until I met Felicia. Felicia, with the face of a spoiled nun, skinny and sharp-brown, sat on my sofa on Seventh Street, with her enormous eyelashes that curled back upon themselves twice. She was bringing me a pair of Siamese cats that had terrorized her junkie friends who were straight and lived on a houseboat with the two cats until they brought their new baby home from the hospital and both cats went bananas back and forth all over the boat, jumping over everything including the box that the baby screamed in, because Siamese cats are very jealous. So, instead of drowning the cats, they gave them to Felicia whom I ran into having a beer at the Bagatelle that night and when Muriel mentioned I liked cats, Flee insisted on bringing them over to my house right then and there. She sat on my sofa with her box of cats and her curly eyelashes and I thought to myself, ‘if she must wear false eyelashes you’d think she’d make them less obviously false.’

  We soon decided that we were really sisters, which was much more than friends or buddies, particularly when we discovered while reminiscing about the bad days that we had gone to the same catholic school for six months in the first grade.

  I remembered her as the tough little kid in 1939 who came into class in the middle of winter, disturbing our neat tight boredom and fear, bringing her own. Sister Mary of Perpetual Help seated her beside me because I had a seat to myself in the front row, being both bad-behaved and nearsighted. I remembered this skinny little kid who made my life hell. She pinched me all day long, all the time, until she vanished sometime around St Swithin’s Day, a godsent reward I thought, for what, I couldn’t imagine, but it almost turned me back to god and prayer again.

  Felicia and I came to love each other very much, even though our physical relationship was confined to cuddling. We were both part of the ‘freaky’ bunch of lesbians who weren’t into role-playing, and who the butches and femmes, Black and white, disparaged with the term Ky-Ky, or AC/DC. Ky-Ky was the same name that was used for gay-girls who slept with johns for money. Prostitutes.

  Flee loved to snuggle in bed, but sometimes she hurt my feelings by saying I had shaggy breasts. And too, besides, Flee and I were always finding ourselves in bed together with other people, usually white women.

  Then I thought we were the only gay Black women in the world, or at least in the Village, which at the time was a state of mind extending all the way from river to river below 14th Street, and in pockets throughout the area still known as the Lower East Side.

  I had heard tales from Flee and others about the proper Black ladies who came downtown on Friday night after the last show at Small’s Paradise to find a gay-girl to go muff-diving with, and bring her back up to Convent Avenue to sleep over while their husbands went hunting, fishing, golfing, or to an Alpha’s weekend. But I only met one once, and her pressed hair and all too eagerly interested husband who had accompanied her this particular night to the Bagatelle, where I met her over a daiquiri and a pressed knee, turned me off completely. And this was pretty hard to do in those days because it seemed an eternity between warm beds in the cold mornings seven flights up on Seventh Street. So I told her that I never traveled above 23rd Street. I could have said 14th Street, but she had already found out that I went to college; therefore I thought 23rd was safe enough because CCNY Downtown was there. That was the last bastion of working-class academia allowed.

  Downtown in the gay bars I was a closet student and an invisible Black. Uptown at Hunter I was a closet dyke and a general intruder. Maybe four people altogether knew I wrote poetry, and I usually made it pretty easy for them to forget.

  It was not that I didn’t have friends, and good ones. There was a loose group of young lesbians, white except for Flee and I, who hung out together, apart from whatever piece of the straight world we each had a separate place in. We not only believed in the reality of sisterhood, that word which was to be so abused two decades later, but we also tried to put it into practice, with varying results. We all cared for and about each other, sometimes with more or less understanding, regardless of who was entangled with whom at any given time, and there was always a place to sleep and something to eat and a listening ear for anyone who wandered into the crew. And there was always somebody calling you on the telephone, to interrupt the fantasies of suicide. That is as good a working definition of friend as most.

  However imperfectly, we tried to build a community of sorts where we could, at the very least, survive within a world we correctly perceived to be hostile to us; we talked endlessly about how best to create that mutual support which twenty years later was being discussed in the women’s movement as a brand-new concept. Lesbians were probably the only Black and white women in New York City in the fifties who were making any real attempt to communicate with each other; we learned lessons from each other, the values of which were not lessened by what we did not learn.

  For both Flee and me, it seemed that loving women was something that other Black women just didn’t do. And if they did, then it was in some fashion and in some place that was totally inaccessible to us, because we could never find them. Except for Saturday nights in the Bagatelle, where neither Flee nor I was stylish enough to be noticed.

  (My straight Black girlfriends, like Jean and Crystal, either ignored my love for women, considered it interestingly avant-garde, or tolerated it as just another example of my craziness. It was allowable as long as it wasn’t too obvious and didn’t reflect upon them in any way. At least my being gay kept me from being a competitor for whatever men happened to be upon their horizons. It also made me much more reliable as a confidante. I never asked for anything more.)

  But only on the full moon or every other Wednesday was I ever convinced that I really wanted it different. A bunch of us – maybe Nicky and Joan and I – would all be standing around having a beer at the Bagatelle, trying to decide whether to inch onto the postage-stamp dance floor for a slow intimate fish, garrison belt to pubis and rump to rump (but did we really want to get that excited after a long weekend with work tomorrow?), when I’d say sorry but I was tired and would have to leave now, which in reality meant I had an already late paper for english due the next day and needed to work on it all that night.

  That didn’t happen too often because I didn’t go to the Bag very much. It was the most popular gay-girl’s bar in the Village, but I hated beer, and besides the bouncer was always asking me for my ID to prove I was twenty-one, even though I was older than the other women with me. Of course ‘you can never tell with Colored people.’ And we would all rather die than have to discuss the fact that it was because I was Black, since, of course, gay people weren’t racists. After all, didn’t they know what it was like to be oppressed?

  Sometimes we’d pass Black women on Eighth Street – the invisible but visible sisters – or in the Bag or at Laurel’s, and our glances might cross, but we never looked into each other’s eyes. We acknowledged our kinship by passing in silence, looking the other way. Still, we were always on the lookout, Flee and I, for that telltale flick of the eye, that certain otherwise prohibited openness of expression, that definiteness of voice which would suggest, I think she’s gay. After all, doesn’t it take one to know one?

  I was gay and Black. The latter fact was irrevocable: armor, mantle, and wall. Often, when I had the bad taste to bring that fact up in a conversation with other gay-girls who were not Black, I would get the feeling that I had in some way breached some sacred bond of gayness, a bond which I always knew was not sufficient for me.

  This was not to deny the closeness of our group, nor the mutual aid of those insane, glorious, and contradictory years. It is only to say that I was acutely conscious – from the ID ‘problem’ at the Bag on Friday nights to the summer days at Gay Head Beach where I was the only one who wouldn’t worry about burning – that my relationship as a Black woman to our shared lives was different from theirs, and would be, gay or straight. The question of acceptance had a different weight for me.

  In a parado
xical sense, once I accepted my position as different from the larger society as well as from any single sub-society – Black or gay – I felt I didn’t have to try so hard. To be accepted. To look femme. To be straight. To look straight. To be proper. To look ‘nice’. To be liked. To be loved. To be approved. What I didn’t realize was how much harder I had to try merely to stay alive, or rather, to stay human. How much stronger a person I became in that trying.

  But in this plastic, anti-human society in which we live, there have never been too many people buying fat Black girls born almost blind and ambidextrous, gay or straight. Unattractive, too, or so the ads in Ebony and Jet seemed to tell me. Yet I read them anyway, in the bathroom, on the newsstand, at my sister’s house, whenever I got a chance. It was a furtive reading, but it was an affirmation of some part of me, however frustrating.

  If nobody’s going to dig you too tough anyway, it really doesn’t matter so much what you dare to explore. I had already begun to learn that when I left my parents’ house.

  Like when your Black sisters on the job think you’re crazy and collect money between themselves to buy you a hot comb and straightening iron on their lunch hour and stick it anonymously into your locker in the staff room, so that later when you come down for a coffee break and open your locker the damn things fall out on the floor with a clatter and all ninety-five percent of your library co-workers who are very very white want to know what it’s all about.

  Like when your Black brother calls you a ball-buster and tricks you up into his apartment and tries to do it to you against the kitchen cabinets just, as he says, to take you down a peg or two, when all the time you’d only gone up there to begin with fully intending to get a little in the first place (because all the girls I knew who were possibilities were too damn complicating, and I was plain and simply horny as hell). I finally got out of being raped although not mauled by leaving behind a ring and a batch of lies and it was the first time in my life since I’d left my parents’ house that I was in a physical situation which I couldn’t handle physically – in other words, the bastard was stronger than I was. It was an instantaneous consciousness-raiser.