Tears of Ink (Tears of ... Book 1)

by Anna Bloom

  “Weeks, Faith? This is lung cancer. It’s not going to hang around for you to finish making crappy art.”

  A single tear rolls down my face and splashes into the frying pan. “That’s not fair. What happened? And I mean tell me, not just shout at me.”

  “Yesterday lunch, his lungs…” Dan trails off. “He’s not getting enough oxygen, sleeping more and more. I can’t get him to eat, to drink, to take painkillers.” There’s another pause and I hear Dan light a cigarette. I want one too, but then I think of Al and his lungs collapsing, being eaten by a sick cancer that won’t stop attacking.

  A hand gently takes the spatula and I look up into Eli’s face. He wipes away a tear from my face with his thumb and then another and then another. I don’t care that Jennings and Elaine are watching us, or that Lewis is bashing about with something noisy and metallic the other side of the room. I care about his touch because it’s the only thing I can cling onto. I stare into the blues and my hand shakes as I hold the phone to my ear.

  “Have they said how long he will need the respite care for?” I know my lifelong friend won’t be leaving the hospice, no one ever does.

  “A couple of weeks maybe.”

  A couple of weeks?

  I can’t get it to absorb into my brain quite right.

  “Listen, Dan. Don’t drink anymore. Go have a shower and a sleep, then get back there for him.” I flick my eyes over Eli’s concerned face. “Then I’ll be there. I’ll come tonight once the kids have gone home. I might need you or Abi to get me from the station.”

  “He will kill me for telling you and making you come.”

  “Nah, tell him to take it up with me when I get there. Can I crash at yours?”

  There’s a moment of silence. Dan knows Abi’s is too cramped, and that there is no other door for me to walk through. “Sure.”

  “What’s wrong?” The skin on the back of my neck prickles.

  “Your dad was there when the ambulance came. He’s been spending a lot of time at ours.”

  The bottom of the world just falls away and leaves me suspended, hanging from an endless expanse of sky.

  “He can’t be there when I get back, you know that right? I never want to see him again. Al knows that.” My legs are shaking and not with the delicious warm trembles that Eli creates.

  “Faith, this isn’t about you.”

  I want to rip Dan’s head off. It’s never been about me. But I take a staggered breath and let it go. “I’ll see you later. I’ll let you know when my train gets in.” I go to hang up, but then call him back. “Sober up, Dan, you can be drunk forever afterwards.”

  I hang up, but my hands are shaking so badly my phone slips out of my hand. Eli is there. Just right there, sweeping it up off the floor, while still maintaining a supportive hold on my elbow. I want to run from his touch, but at the same time I want to bury myself so far under his skin I’ll never surface and face reality again.

  “Wait,” his voice is soft, and the audience I know we have around us melts away. He bends a little until the blues are levelled with my gaze. “Just wait. Talk to me; tell me what you need.”

  I can’t. I need to think, to pace, to breathe air in my lungs. But his hands are on my arms holding me in place. “Al’s gone to the hospice.”

  He nods. “I worked that out. Tell me what you need.” I don’t understand what he’s asking. “What do you need me to do to help?”

  His question floors me. I don’t think anyone has ever said anything remotely like that to me before. It makes tears tingle along the edge of my eyelashes.

  “I don’t know. I’ve got to get there, but I’ve got to be here today and tomorrow, and I don’t know what I’m even thinking or saying…” I trail off as a tidal wave of unspent tears threatens to drown me.

  He steers me for a kitchen chair and pushes me gently down, his hands on my shoulders. “Elaine, this woman needs your magic medicine.”

  Elaine is already bustling around.

  “I don’t need a sweet tea, Elijah.” I shake my head at him, and despite the torn expression on his face, his lips quirk a little.

  “Elaine, have you been spilling my tea drinking secrets? No,” he turns his focus directly onto me. “No, this is better.” Elaine shuffles over with a bottle of the unpronounceable whisky.

  “From my cooking stash.” She pours me a shot and slides the glass over. “Here.”

  “Cooking?” I raise an eyebrow and stare at the glass. “I can’t drink that, I’m about to teach a bunch of kids how to make vases with clay.”

  Eli whispers to Elaine and walks away, and without really thinking about it, I pick up the glass and take a little sip. It burns my lips, the peat and smoke flavours dampening the whirlpool of emotions rushing inside me.

  While he’s gone, I stare at the glass. What am I going to face when I go home? What will Al look like? What will it be like to see him like that? How will I cope? Why is my father there? Why has Al let him back in now, after everything?

  Maybe everything is about me just like Dan said?

  Before I’ve taken three sips of fiery liquid, Eli is back in front of me. “Okay, I’m going to be here today, I can help.” he crouches down in front of my spot on the kitchen chair. “Not that I know much about vases, but hey, I can make it up.” He grins, and a watery tide threatens to wash me away. “Then tonight I’ll drive you to Brighton. I don’t want you to get the train there and back by yourself.”

  “Ssh.” I frown at the people around us, but Eli shakes his head.

  “Don’t worry, these guys are my friends.”

  I stare at him for a moment. Wasn’t this the room where I told him I’d be his friend? Maybe this is it, the kitchen and the space, it gives him his centre… I’m losing the plot. I’m thinking crazy unnecessary thoughts to stop thinking about the ones that scare me the most. I don’t know where Eli’s centre is because I don’t even know where he lives—let’s keep it real right now.

  “And what about your mother? What she’s going to say when you’re home helping, or taking me to Brighton?” Let’s not forget the fact she was only in my bedroom a short while ago reading me the “don’t shag my son” riot act.

  “I couldn’t give a fuck what they think.”

  He leans forward and kisses me firmly on the mouth, and in the back of my limited sensibilities I hear Elaine sigh and Lewis ask what the hell’s going on.

  When Eli pulls away, I watch his face and I have a bad feeling. A very, very bad sinking sensation inside me. Because somehow, and I don’t know how, he’s managed to take awful news and turn it into something that’s making my heart soar. And with every bank of wind my soaring heart is climbing on, I know I’m falling deeper and deeper under his spell.

  Far enough under I’ll accept his lift, just so I can be with him, and take him to that awful place called home.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  “You never told me what happened for you to run away from Brighton?” His voice cuts through the silence in the car.

  The silence is partly because I’m lost in thought, scared shitless of what the next few days are going to bring, and partly because I’m fricking livid. Eli told me as we loaded overnight bags into the car, under the watchful gaze of his mother, that he’s asked Gerard Steers to step in at Bowsley while I go to Brighton.

  I send him a total stink eye and fold my arms tighter across my chest. His lips quirk at the edges which just makes me even madder.

  “Faith, I wanted to give you some breathing space. Gerard, twat he may be, is an old family friend; it made sense to call him.”

  I grumble under my breath.

  “It was Peter who suggested it, when I told him you needed to take time out.”

  I raise an eyebrow. Of course it bloody was. I haven’t seen Peter since my first lunch here, but I still fondly remember him as being the one who told me the truth about Steers. Although I suppose knowing the truth is better than being lied to.

  “And I’m sure your
mother would love to replace me with him on a permanent basis.”

  He turns as much as his concentration on the heavy evening traffic will allow. “No one is replacing you. This is your job, your gig. The credit it all yours.”

  “I don’t want the credit,” I snap. “I want to see it through. I like those kids, they’re a good bunch.”

  “Look, everything will be the same when we get back. Gerard is just going to clear up the awful mess I helped you to create today.” His hand grasps my knee and as furious as I am, I can’t ignore the little flare of heat that blooms with his touch. “And will you stop changing the subject about Brighton?”

  I scowl in his direction, not that he takes any notice. “I’m not spilling my shit to you, Eli. You’ve got your own family issues.” And hell, does he?! His mother looked like she wanted to lie down in front of the wheels of his car when he left with me. “And I’ve got mine.”

  I truly hope my dad isn’t at Dan’s when I get there. I rub at my face. I don’t need to worry about make-up; I’ve washed it away with tears sporadically throughout the day.

  My gaze drops to a tattoo on my thigh peeking out from under the ripped edge of my denim shorts. An ancient knot symbolising strength. I wish I could somehow activate it and make it take over my trembling nerves. I’m not as strong as I’d like to be. No matter how shit-kicker my external attitude is, underneath I’m nothing more than a confused teenager who doesn’t know what to do.

  Eli’s fingers trail along the ink on my leg. “What does it mean?”

  I pause for a moment steeling myself. “It means strength. At least I hoped it would help.”

  His thumb rubs across the ink, stretching the skin slightly. “Did it help?”

  I shrug and turn my gaze out of the window and we drive the rest of the way in silence.

  When we pull up outside Al’s, I drag in a deep breath. The front room lights are on, so someone is there. I guess the only way I’m going to find out who, is by getting out the car and taking one step at a time to the front door.

  “Faith,” Eli’s call is soft, and I turn to find him watching me, his hands gripping the steering wheel. “Sorry I’ve pissed you off.”

  I shake my head, my anger dissipating under those blues. “I’m sorry your mum knows about us. I would never want to cause problems for you and your family.”

  He shifts forward, settling his hands on my face and his lips catch mine. His kiss is everything as each and every one of them are. “I can’t ignore this feeling I have that all of this is for something. You came into my life and it’s like you were set to challenge everything.”

  My tongue dries. “Like what?”

  “I was sleeping, working, existing… and then there was you. A challenge to everything I’ve ever known.”

  “This is just for the summer, that’s what we said.” God, those words hurt, but I can’t think of anything more than that. It was my compromise. I’m not the girl who thinks of happily ever after. Eli isn’t my prince. He isn’t going to swoop in and make the past disappear. He’s not going to erase all the many reasons for my ink.

  He pulls away slightly. “Yes. That’s what we said.”

  I crumple a little. It’s what I want him to say, but my chest squeezes in such a way that for a moment I forget how to breathe. I don’t even know what it means when your chest pushes the air out of your lungs like that. All I know is I want to kiss him, to cling to him, until the summer is over and then I’ll go back to how I was before.

  “Come, let’s go.” I pull on the door handle and step out of the car, not giving him a chance to do that gentlemanly thing he does with the door.

  He eyes the street as we stand side by side. “So, this is where you grew up?”

  I shake my head and point in the direction of a road largely out of sight, a three-minute walk away. “I used to live there. But I spent most my time here with Dan.”

  The door opens then as if on cue and Dan leans against the door frame, his eyes watching me, analysing Eli and the way his hand is holding mine.

  Dan’s face is a picture I never want to see again. His eyes blurred, red-rimmed. In his hand is an empty glass. “Dan?” My voice cracks and I fly up the path into his chest and wrap my arms tight around him as though I want to keep us both afloat. I cry into his neck and droplets of tears splatter his T-shirt. “You okay?”

  “Yes, yes.” He wipes at his nose with the back of his hand and straightens up to meet Eli.

  “Hi, I’m sorry to meet you under these circumstances.” Eli steps up and holds up his hand. Dan shifts from foot to foot but then shakes his hand.

  “Eli, Dan. Dan, Eli.” I wave my hand between them and step into the front room. “Fuck, Dan, this place is revolting.”

  He glares at me. “Because you’re the queen of clean.” He picks up a pizza box and places it on the table. “I’ve been busy.”

  There’s movement from the kitchen. Please, God, don’t let it be him; I wouldn’t able to take it. A girl with dark hair comes out, wringing her hands on a tea towel. “Who the hell are you?” I ask.

  It’s not a surprise that her gaze narrows into slits and she looks at me with as much warmth as a polar ice cap. I didn’t mean to be rude. My expectations were focused on the worst. “JoAnne.” She drops the tea towel onto the edge of the sofa. I can see she’s not one to tidy either. “Who the hell are you?”

  I’m taken aback. Dan and I have always known the ins and outs of each other’s lives. We’ve known all there is to know: every kiss, every fuck, every row. Tighter than family, it’s always been us, with Abi as our third wheel until she got all grown up and married. Yet here the two of us stand, both of us flanked by total strangers. “I’m Faith.” I step up and hold out my hand. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude. I thought someone else might be here.”

  Dan comes close to my side and squeezes my shoulder. JoAnne’s gaze zooms to his hand on my skin. “I got rid of the crew. Everyone is taking it in turns to keep him entertained.”

  “Is he still awake?”

  Whether I can walk into that hospice I don’t know.

  “Not really, Faith.” Dan’s gaze focuses on Eli. ‘So how do you two know each other?”

  “Elijah owns the house I’m working at, he drove me here.”

  I cringe under Eli’s hot gaze. What was I supposed to say? He’s my boss, but we are embroiled in some forbidden and pointless affair that’s going nowhere.

  “Thanks.” Dan nods at Eli, but thankfully only I spot the faint curve of Eli’s lips.

  “Always a willing chauffeur to a woman in need.”

  I glare at him but then turn to JoAnne. “So, you guys are a thing?”

  This is so awkward. When did this happen? That life would carry on and things would change without me knowing.

  I know when it happened. It was when I ran away.

  “Yes.” She’s not a fan of me; it’s not hard to read that headline. What on earth has Dan told her?

  Oh well, I haven’t got time for this shit now. “Can I go and see Al? Oh and thank you but I don’t need a room now. Eli and I are going to stay in a hotel along the sea front.” Eli has taken care of everything, which is a good thing because my brain can’t handle more than three minutes of the future at a time right now.

  Dan nods, “Want me to take you, or is your chauffeur driving you about all day?”

  Eli steps up and places a hand on my shoulder. “I’ve got it, thanks.”

  Jeez, are we in a pissing contest?

  This isn’t the time. I glare at them both and stalk back out the door. At the moment, Al is more important than the rest of the world. They can all go to hell. With a deep breath that stretches my lungs, I pull on big girl panties I didn’t even know I owned and go to face the worst scenario I could ever consider—saying goodbye to one of my best friends.

  The hospice is down and along the sea front. If you’ve gotta go, and we all do in the end, then the sea view is a nice plus.

  Al
looks awful: grey, ashen and barely conscious.

  I kiss his head and grip his hand tight in mine.

  I’m aware of Eli moving around. “Faith, I’ll wait outside.”

  “No.” I look at him with fright. “Please don’t leave me.”

  A frown flickers across his face, but he sits down in the seat positioned in the corner of the room.

  “Hey, Uncle Al.” I wipe his hair back from his head. It’s fine and a little greasy.

  I’m surprised when his eyes flutter open.

  “I must be dying if you’ve come home.”

  “Don’t exaggerate, old man. I came back just the other week, remember?”

  Al looks at me blankly and I know he doesn’t remember my visit the other Sunday.

  “I was thinking of my next tattoo.” I settle a hip on the bed and stroke his hand with mine.

  He shakes his head but then winces and coughs. “No more.”

  “Say what?” I laugh and notice Eli’s eyes on my face.

  “No more. Tell me what you’re making.” He coughs again, and it makes me want to cry. I won’t though. Not now. Tears can well later.

  Eli steps up from the chair in the corner. “She’s making a jolly fine mess at the moment, Sir.” He smiles that handsome flash of white teeth at Al. “I’m Elijah.” He squeezes Al’s hand.

  Fuck, I am going to cry.

  Bollocks.

  Al wheezes. “I see why you took the job.”

  I roll my eyes and chuckle. “He’s a pain in the arse for a boss.” I smirk at Eli.

  “Worse than me?” Al asks.

  “Hell yeah, makes you look like a little old lady in a sweet shop.”

  Eli pulls up his chair and I sit squarer on the bed and we fill the air with chit chat and inane conversation as the afternoon slowly ticks away.

  When the door opens, it’s getting late. We’ve been there for hours watching and talking as Al slowly drifts in and out of sleep. I’ll never be able to thank Eli enough for bringing me down here and spending his time here like this with me.

  I want the afternoon to last forever.

  “Oh, sorry, I didn’t realise there was someone here.”