The Cruel and Beautiful Series Boxset

by A. M. Hargrove

  “Cate,” I say dabbing at my eyes.

  “What?”

  “My name. It’s Cate.”

  “Oh. Cate then. I’m on call and here tonight. If you need anything, tell the nurses to page Dr. Mercer. I’ll be here to help if you or Drew need me.”

  I take his hand. It’s comforting. “Thank you.”

  Swiping the tears off my face, I head back to Drew’s room. Ben is here and I motion him into the hall. When I tell him what Drew said, he looks embarrassed.

  “You knew, didn’t you?”

  “Yes, but he swore me not to tell you. I’m sorry Cate.”

  “Well, I just can’t do that. I can’t leave and never say goodbye.”

  “I told him that and I told him it wasn’t fair of him to ask that of you. But you know Drew. He’s always thinking of everyone else.”

  “I am going home to shower and then I’m coming back with my stuff to stay for however long. I ran into one of the oncologists who’s on call. He told me to stay.” I start to cry again. In a weepy voice I say, “He said Drew wouldn’t know if I’m here anyway.”

  Ben’s arms grab me and we both tremble as we cry. Then he asks, “Are you okay to drive?”

  “Yeah. I’ll be fine. Nothing but a few more tears.”

  “Text me as soon as you get home.”

  “I will.”

  It’s a quick turn around trip for me and I’m back at the hospital, but when I walk toward Drew’s room, I wonder if I should linger in the hall. I text Ben and he meets me right outside the room.

  “He knows you’re coming back. I told him it wasn’t fair to do that to you.”

  “What did he say?”

  “He told me I sucked in Drew-fashion.”

  That gets a smile out of us, albeit a small one. Ben and I get bed seats, and by that I mean in his bed. I lie next to him for most of the time, other than when I have to pee or get something to drink. Letty sits next to the bed in the recliner and holds his hand or touches him in some fashion, and Ray only looks on, disbelief etched on his features. I think he held out hope until the bitter end and now that it’s here, it’s too much for him to face.

  At ten, I get up and walk down to the cafeteria and grab a muffin and a coke. After I choke a quarter of the muffin down and sip the coke I’m flicking the crumbs around the table when a shadow crosses over me. I glance up and see that it’s the physician that helped me earlier. I’m a bit embarrassed to admit I don’t even remember his name.

  “How’re you holding up?”

  “How does anyone ever hold up when the love of their life is dying at the age of twenty-nine?”

  “Probably as well as you are.”

  “Then not too good.”

  “It’s a shit hand of cards he was dealt, Cate.”

  “Yeah, it’s not fair. And all I keep asking myself is why can’t the bad people get shit like this? Drew never has a bad thing to say about anyone. He was always the good guy, you know?”

  “It’s what I’ve been told. Everyone says he’s the golden boy. Smart as hell and the greatest diagnostician. He was like a god around here. When he had the recurrence, everyone was just sick about it. Let me tell you, he had the best care, Cate. His case went all over the world. There wasn’t a stone left unturned.”

  I reach out and touch his hand. “Thank you for telling me this. We haven’t been here long enough to meet a lot of the other fellows, so I didn’t know. I appreciate that.”

  He digs in his pocket and pulls out a card. “Listen, if you need anything, just call. I’m out of here in about an hour. But the whole department is on this thing. You should know that. This has been really tough on Rosenberg. Everyone loves Drew.”

  I look at his card briefly and say, “Thanks. You’ve been very kind.” Then I gather up my crumbly muffin and coke and head back to the room.

  Two days later, my Drew, my husband, the only man I’ve ever loved fades away as he takes his final breath, with me in the bed next to him, Ben holding one hand and Letty holding the other. It’s very peaceful—for Drew. For me, my world shatters into tiny pieces as all the pieces of Drew leave this world. All the pieces of me remain behind, broken and … alone.

  Thirty

  Past

  Drew’s funeral takes place one week before our first anniversary. Drew being Drew, left Ben explicit instructions on how he wanted things handled. So Ben took care of mostly everything. It was a good thing, too, because I was in a state of perpetual numbness. Ray and Letty handled the venue, choosing the same church Drew and I were married in.

  I am told later that people attended from his residency, his hockey team including Sam and Caroline, from his medical school class, and his fellowship program. I see none of them. The church is nothing but a blank slate, all I am is a huge empty space, and the place where my heart used to be is a black hole. I am hollow, vacant. The minister says some lovely things, but I don’t really follow. Ben sits on one side and Letty on the other. I squeeze both of their hands, just to make myself feel something, anything.

  The minister allows anyone to come up to the pulpit to say something about Drew, if they wish. I see many people step up and speak, but I hear nothing. Not until Ben. He has to untangle his fingers from mine when he walks up to take the microphone. His hands tremble as he digs into the pocket of his suit coat and pulls out his speech. Ben’s eulogy is the one I listen to and my heart latches onto it, hanging on every syllable.

  He starts when they met, in kindergarten, and progresses throughout their lives. But his delivery is priceless. It’s funny but punctuated with moments of love, not enough to bring everyone to sobs, only enough to get the points. It’s his story about Drew learning to ice skate that brings down the house.

  “So he says, ‘Dude, I’m serious. I’m going to learn this if it kills me.’ And you have to picture Drew—six feet three inches in one of those leotard outfits, right? So I say to him, ‘You do know you’ll be in recitals and stuff, right?’ And he says, ‘Yeah. Will you come watch?’ And he’s serious. So he goes at it like you’ve never seen. He comes home all bruised up and tells me about how he’s learning these Salchows and axels and is all geeked out about it. I’m talking Drew McKnight everyone. Figure skating! So he finally gets to the point where he has to perform all these jumps and things and he begs me to come watch. I’m his best friend. What am I going to say? So I head over to the ice rink and I see huge Drew in the midst of all these seven and eight year old girls in pink tutus. It would be like seeing The Rock taking ballet. No kidding. Each time he performs, or one of the little girls does something, they all high five or fist bump each other. And Drew is right in the middle of them. It was freaking hilarious. But I swear to god, that night, the man comes home, puts the figure skates in the closet, trades them out for a pair of blades and picks up hockey like he was born to play. And that was Drew McKnight.”

  You can hear murmurs throughout the church and Ben’s right. Drew never did anything without purpose, or without a goal in mind.

  “And one other thing Drew did, was ask me to a Purdue football game and alumni post party. So we went. My sister Jenna and her best friend and roommate, Cate Forbes showed up. Drew took one look at Cate and said to me, ‘Dude, who’s that girl with your sister?’ When I told him, he said, ‘I’m going to marry her one day. Introduce us. Now.’ It took a few weeks to persuade Cate to agree to a date, but damn if he didn’t. And Cate, you made him the happiest guy on Earth.”

  He gently folds his papers in half and says in a soft voice, “You will be missed, my brother.” Ben walks down and takes his seat next to me, grabbing my hand and squeezing it. I know it could not have been easy for him to do it, but Drew would have been proud if he could have been here. Something inside my heart tells me he heard every word.

  If the attendees expect me to speak, they will have to be disappointed. Now my body is broken apart by silent sobs. Ben’s arm wraps around me as I lean against him for support. The question that won’t leave hits me a
gain. How will I live without him?

  The church has kindly allowed us to greet the mourners in a large room, so we have food and drinks available. There are so many people, it’s impossible for me to keep up. Half of the time, I find myself in the bathroom, splashing water on my face, trying to rinse my tears away. I never bothered with any makeup today and that was the best call ever. I would’ve looked awful by now, even with the waterproof stuff. At one point after fixing myself up, I glance over at Ben, and his hair looks like a hurricane got a hold of it. He can’t keep his hands out of it. I can hear Drew’s voice in my head saying, “Babe, go fix that shit up for him. He looks like hell.”

  So that’s what I do. I scoot next to him and grab his arm. “Come here a sec.”

  “What?”

  I do my best to straighten out the wreck of Ben’s wavy nest.

  “That bad, huh?”

  Scrunching up my face, I say, “Yeah. It sort of looked like you just woke up after a week long bender.”

  His arm moves up to run through his hair and I trap it in my hand. “Stop. That’s what’s causing this mess.”

  He holds out his hands. “Okay. Okay. I’ll do better. I’m just …”

  I swipe at my face and say, “I know. We all are.”

  “We need a fucking drink, don’t we?”

  “And we’ll have some, as soon as this is over.”

  We move back to the crowd. When the last person has filed through, we all finally take a breather and sit. Ray and Letty look like they’ve aged twenty years. I feel like I have, too. Ben’s hair is a wreck again and I laugh. It’s one of those inappropriate laughs, that you try to hold back, but just can’t. Everyone looks at me with questions in their eyes.

  Shaking my head, I say, “It’s Ben’s hair. I can hear Drew saying a bunch of crap about it.”

  Everyone laughs and the Drew stories start. Ben invites everyone over to clean out his liquor cabinet and we migrate to his house. Ray and Letty and my parents leave after a little while, but Jenna and I stay the night. We drink ourselves silly and all crash on the floor, with sleeping bags, pillows and cushions from the couches and chairs.

  In the morning, I wake up and look around. Ben and Jenna are still passed out. I roll over and see all the empty liquor bottles on the coffee table. It’s a surprise I’m not puking everywhere. I sit up and go to the bathroom. On the way back, I pass a shelf that’s loaded with pictures of Ben and Drew. It’s impossible for me not to stare at them. What a pair they are. Or were. A sudden wave of anxiety barrels into me, and I nearly drop the picture in my hand as I slide to the floor. My chest pounds with pain as I realize I can’t ever go home. I can’t walk through that door again, knowing Drew won’t ever be there to greet me with those stunning blue eyes of his. A wave of nausea rolls over me and I clamp my hand over my mouth. Ben is there, pulling me up.

  “What happened?”

  “I can’t go home. I … ever. I can’t ever go back there.” My entire body shakes.

  “It’s okay, Cate. You don’t have to.”

  “No, you don’t get it, Ben. I can’t walk in there at all.”

  He grabs my hand and we go into his kitchen where he fixes me a glass of water.

  After a few sips, and Ben talks me through this anxiety attack, I calm down.

  “Cate, this is a new road for you.”

  “Ben, it’s not about a new road. It’s about Drew not ever coming home. I don’t want to be in that house. Period.”

  “Okay. Okay. I get that. Come with me.”

  He takes my hand again, and this time we go to his office.

  “Have a seat,” he says, point to a chair. “Look, you don’t have to go back there. In fact, you should sell. But, I have something for you.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah. You know our guy. He always planned for everything. I was to give this to you the day after the funeral. Here.” Ben hands me an envelope.

  I look at him, not knowing what to do.

  He nods. “Open it. I’m supposed to stay with you while you read it.”

  “Okay. Is this going to tear me up into even more pieces?”

  “I don’t know.” There go his hands through his hair again.

  The outside of the envelope says, “My Loving Cate.”

  I open it gingerly.

  My Dearest Cate,

  If you are reading this, then the inevitable has taken place. We’ve had many discussions about what would happen after my passing, but knowing you as I do, I knew I had to write this. That’s also why I’ve given this to Ben. (I hope the dude has followed my instructions!)

  I hope you don’t hate me for trying to send you away from the hospital (although I was fairly certain you would be too hard headed to leave). You had already been through the worst of the worst, and I didn’t want you to go through that, too. I wanted you to carry our best memories forward, to remember me in my healthy days, when we were happy and fell in love, and loved with abandon. I never told you this, but if I’d had a crystal ball and could’ve seen the future, I would’ve run far, far away from you as fast and as hard as I could have. Not because I didn’t love you. I hope you know that. My heart was as tangled up in yours as was possible. I don’t think I could’ve loved anyone as hard as I loved you. I would’ve run because I never would’ve put you through this horrible journey. And I can only hear you ranting now. But stop. It’s done. It’s over. And I didn’t know. So we fell in love, married, and the rest, as they say, is history.

  But this ending was not part of my plan, as you know. I had such great visions for us. The large house with three kids. Growing old together and spoiling the hell out of our grandkids. I saw us holding hands, sitting on our rockers, watching the sunsets, sipping our wine. Taking luxurious vacations (which may or may not have included side trips to Blackhawks games), and me spoiling the hell out of you. Words will never express to you how sorry I am that I couldn’t fulfill those visions.

  Now here comes the hard part for you, Cate. You made me a promise and I’m going to hold your feet to the fire on this. You swore to me you would move on afterwards. You would go forward and find someone else and live your life. That’s what I’m asking you to do. Oh, I know you can’t do this immediately. But don’t you dare sit on your ass for years and pine away. And knowing you, that’s exactly what you’ll do. You’re such a hard ass sometimes. But I’m not going to let you get away with this. This time, you’re going to hold up your end of the bargain. This is a huge world, Cate. I was not the only person in it for you. Don’t tell yourself that and don’t be naïve. Open yourself up and let yourself love again. The worst thing that could happen and the last thing I would want are for you to be alone and be lonely. You’ve been through way too much in your young life already. You promised me, and by God, you’d better not renege on this. So I’m giving you six months. Too short you say? I say bullshit. You’re going to pack up your boxes, because mine are already packed, and get the hell out of here. Sell the house. Do you hear me? Move. Get the hell out of there! Give all my clothes to charity. The few items I’ve tagged will go to Ben or my parents. You already have what you want. Everything else is tagged for the charity I’ve designated.

  There’s enough life insurance money and money from my trust fund that you’ll inherit for you to be comfortable for however long you want. You’ll need to work only if that’s what you want to do. Ben will help you with all of this—he’s your money guy. This will give you time to figure out where you want to end up living. Go. Explore the world if you want. Seek out a new life for yourself. And find that special someone. Make sure he treats you well. And don’t settle. You deserve the best of the best, Cate.

  Do me a favor. Always remember the better times and know that I loved all the pieces of you with all the pieces of me.

  Forever and then some,

  Drew

  P.S. Look out for Ben and tell that dude to stop running his hands through his hair. He’s going to go bald and end up looking like me, b
ut he won’t be as sexy!

  Leave it to Drew to try to make me laugh at the end.

  “Did you read this?” I ask Ben.

  “No. Why?”

  I hand it to him. His eyes run with tears until he gets to the last line. Then we both laugh.

  “Asshole.” Then we cry-laugh and hug.

  I look at Ben and ask, “Will you help with all this? I think I’m going to take up Jenna on her offer to move in. Most of my stuff will have to go in storage once the house sells. I want to leave it furnished so it shows better.”

  “Sure, I’ll help, but why don’t you make it easy on yourself and hire some moving company.”

  “Oh, Ben, I don’t want to spend the money. I haven’t worked in six months and I’m not sure about the finances.”

  Ben laughs. “Did you not read the letter? You have no idea, do you?”

  “About what?”

  “Your financial status. And you’re a damn accountant.”

  “Should I be insulted?”

  He shakes his head. “No. If it were anyone else other than Drew, I might say yeah. But not with him. Cate, let me just say you can afford it. The moving company.”

  “And you know this, how?”

  “I’m your fucking broker. Like the letter said—I’m the money guy. Drew left you well cushioned. He’s a trust fundee. I’ve handled his investments for years and you’re his sole beneficiary.”

  “It was him I wanted. I never paid attention to his bank account. It was just us and battling fucking cancer.” I almost sob.

  The money thing never entered the picture for me and it’s not something I want to focus on right now. Ben must notice it because he keeps pushing.

  “Here. Hold on.” Ben pulls up a chair and we both sit at his computer. He logs into his brokerage firm and pulls up Drew’s account. “This is your account.” Then he scrolls down and shows me the numbers. It’s seven hefty figures worth. “This won’t include his life insurance, which will add another million.”