A Place to Belong

by RaeAnne Thayne

He grabbed his things and walked out the door, hoping despite himself that she would call him back, tell him she didn’t mean anything she’d said.

  But the only sound as he climbed into his rental car was the mournful October wind in the trees and the distant howl of a coyote.

  * * *

  Tess stood at the window of her bedroom watching Quinn’s taillights disappear into the night.

  She couldn’t seem to catch her breath and she felt as if she’d just been bucked off one of the Winder Ranch horses, then kicked in the chest for good measure.

  Had she been wrong? Maybe she should have just taken whatever crumbs Quinn could offer, to hell with the inevitable pain she knew waited for her in some murky future.

  At least then she wouldn’t have this raw, devastating feeling that she had just made a terrible mistake.

  With great effort, she forced herself to draw in a deep breath and then another and another, willing her common sense to override the visceral pain and vast emptiness gaping inside her.

  No. She hadn’t been wrong, as much as she might wish otherwise. In the deep corners of her heart, she knew it.

  She wanted a home and a family. Not today, maybe not even next year, but someday, certainly. She was ready to move forward with her life and go on to the next stage.

  She had already fallen in love with him, just from these few days. If she spent a year of those weekend encounters he was talking about, she wasn’t sure she would ever be able to climb back out.

  Better to break things off now, when she at least had half a chance of repairing the shattered pieces of her heart.

  She would survive. She had been through worse. Scott’s death and the long, difficult years preceding it had taught her she had hidden reservoirs of strength.

  She supposed that was a good thing. She had a feeling she was going to need all the strength she could find in the coming months as she tried to go on without Quinn.

  Chapter 15

  “Tess? Everything okay?”

  Three months after Jo Winder’s death, Tess stood at the nurses’ station, a chart in her hand and her mind a million miles away.

  Or at least several hundred.

  She jerked her mind away from Pine Gulch and the tangled mess she had made of things and looked up to find her friend and charge nurse watching her with concern in her brown eyes.

  “I’m fine,” she answered Vicki Ballantine.

  “Are you sure? You look white as a sheet and you’ve been standing there for at least five minutes without moving a muscle. Come sit down, honey, and have a sip of water.”

  The older woman tugged her toward one of the chairs behind the long blue desk. Since Vicki was not only her friend but technically her boss, Tess didn’t feel as if she had a great deal of choice.

  She sipped at the water and crushed ice Vicki brought her in a foam cup. It did seem to quell the nausea a little, though it didn’t do much for the panic that seemed to pound a steady drumbeat through her.

  “You want to tell me what’s bothering you?” Vicki asked.

  She drew in a breath then let it out slowly, still reeling from confirmation of what she had begun to suspect for a few weeks but had only just confirmed an hour ago on her lunch break.

  This sudden upheaval all seemed so surreal, the last possible development she had expected to disrupt everything.

  “I don’t... I haven’t been sleeping well.”

  Vicki leaned on the edge of the deck, her plump features set into a frown. “You’re settling in okay, aren’t you? The house you rented is nice enough, right? It’s in a quiet neighborhood.”

  “Yes. Everything’s fine. I love Portland, you know I do. The house is great and everyone here at the hospital has been wonderful.”

  “But you’re still not happy.”

  At the gentle concern in her friend’s eyes and the warm touch of her hand squeezing Tess’s arms, tears welled up in her eyes.

  “I am,” she lied. “I’m just...”

  She couldn’t finish the sentence as those tears spilled over. She pressed her hands to her eyes, mortified that she was breaking down at work.

  Only the hormones, she assured herself, but she knew it was much, much more. Her tears stemmed from fear and longing and the emptiness in her heart that kept her tossing and turning all night.

  Vicki took one look at her emotional reaction and pulled Tess back to her feet, this time ushering her into the privacy of the empty nurses’ lounge.

  “All right. Out with it. Tell Auntie Vick what’s wrong. This is about some man, isn’t it?”

  Through her tears, Tess managed a watery laugh. “You could say that.”

  Oh, she had made such a snarled mess of everything. That panic pulsed through her again, harsh and unforgiving, and her thoughts pulsed with it.

  “It always is,” Vicki said with a knowing look. “Funny thing is, I didn’t even know you were dating anybody.”

  “I’m not. We’re...” Her voice trailed off and she drew in a heavy breath. Though she wanted to protect her own privacy and give herself time to sort things out, she was also desperate to share the information with someone.

  She couldn’t call her mother. Oh, mercy, there was another reason for panic. What would Maura say?

  Her mother wasn’t here and she wasn’t anywhere close to ready to tell any of her friends in Pine Gulch. Vicki had become her closest friend since moving to Portland and on impulse, she decided she could trust her.

  “I’m pregnant,” she blurted out.

  Vicki’s eyes widened in shock and her mouth made a perfect little O for a moment before she shut it with a snap. She said nothing for several long moments.

  Just when Tess was kicking herself for even mentioning it in the first place, Vicki gave her a careful look. “And how do you feel about that?”

  “You’re the one who said I’m pale as a sheet, right? That’s probably a pretty good indication.”

  “Your color’s coming back but you still look upset.”

  “I don’t know how I feel yet, to tell you the truth,” she admitted. “I just went to the doctor on my lunch hour to verify my suspicions. I...guess I’m still in shock. I’ve wanted a child—children—for so long. Scott and I talked about having several and then, well, things didn’t quite work out.”

  Though she didn’t broadcast her past around, she had confided in Vicki after her first few weeks in Portland about the challenging years of her marriage and her husband’s death.

  “And the proud papa? What’s his reaction?”

  Tess closed her eyes, her stomach roiling just thinking about how on earth she would tell Quinn.

  “I haven’t told him yet. Actually, I...haven’t talked to him in three months.”

  “If my math is right, this must be someone from Idaho since you’ve only been here for two months.”

  She sighed. “His foster mother was my last patient.”

  “Did you two have a big fight or something?”

  She thought of all the accusations they had flung at each other that night. You can’t have what you want, your little fantasy happily-ever-after, and so kicking me out of your life completely is your version of throwing a pissy little temper tantrum.

  Now she was pregnant—pregnant!—and she didn’t have the first idea what to do about it. She cringed, just imagining his reaction. He would probably accuse her of manipulating the entire thing as some Machiavellian plot to snare him into marriage.

  Maybe you think if you push me out now, in a few weeks I’ll come running back with tears and apologies, ready to give you anything you want. Even that all-important wedding ring that’s apparently the only thing you think matters.

  She pushed away the bitter memory, trying to drag her attention back to the problem at hand, this pregnancy that had completely knocked the pins out from under her. />
  She didn’t even know how it had happened. Since hearing the news from her doctor, she had been wracking her brain about their time together and she could swear he used protection every single time. The only possibility was one time when they were in the shower and both became a little too carried away to think about the consequences.

  She had been a nurse for ten years and she knew perfectly well that once was all it took but she never expected this to happen to her.

  “You could say we had a fight,” she finally answered Vicki. “We didn’t part on exactly amiable terms.”

  “If you need to take a little time, I can cover your shift. Why don’t you take the rest of the day off?”

  “No. I’m okay. I just need a moment to collect my thoughts. I promise, I can put it out of my head and focus on my patients.”

  “At least take a quick break and go on out to the roof for some fresh air. I think the rain’s finally stopped and it might help you clear your head.”

  She wanted to be tough and insist she was fine. But the hard truth was she felt as if an atomic bomb had just been dropped in her life.

  “Clearing my head would be good. Thanks.”

  When she rose, Vicki gathered her against her ample breasts for a tight hug. “It will be okay, sweetheart. If this is what you want, I’m thrilled for you. I know if anyone can handle single motherhood, you can.”

  She had serious doubts right now about her ability to handle even the next five minutes, but she still appreciated the other woman’s faith in her.

  As she walked outside into the wet and cold January afternoon, she gazed out at the city sprawled out below her. So much for the best-laid plans. When she left Pine Gulch, she had been certain that she had everything figured out. Her life would be different but she had relished the excitement of making changes and facing new challenges.

  In her wildest dreams, she never anticipated this particular challenge.

  She pressed a hand to her abdomen, to the tiny life growing at a rapid pace there.

  A child.

  Quinn’s child.

  Emotions choked her throat, both joy and fear.

  This pregnancy might not have been in her plans, but no matter what happened, she would love this child. She already did, even though she had only known of its existence for a short time.

  She pressed her hand to her abdomen again. She had to tell Quinn. Even if he was bitter and angry and believed she had somehow manipulated circumstances to this end, she had to tell him. Withholding the knowledge of his child from him would be wrong, no matter how he reacted.

  She only hoped she could somehow find the courage.

  * * *

  Two weeks later, she was still searching desperately for that strength. With each day that passed, it seemed more elusive than sunshine in a Portland winter.

  Every morning since learning she was pregnant, she awoke with the full intention of calling him that day. But the hours slipped away and she made excuse after excuse to herself.

  He was busy. She was working. She would wait until evening. She didn’t have his number.

  All of them were only pitiful justification for her to give in to her fears. That was the hard truth. She was afraid, pure and simple. Imagining his response kept her up at night and she was quite certain was contributing to the nausea she faced every morning.

  That she continued to cater to that fear filled her with shame. She wasn’t a weak woman and she hated that she was acting like it.

  The night before, she had resolved that she couldn’t put it off any longer. It was past time for her to act as the pregnancy seemed more real each day. Already, she was beginning to bump out and she was grateful her work scrubs had drawstring waists, since all her other slacks were starting to feel a little snug.

  No more excuses. The next day was Saturday and she knew she had to tell him. Though she wanted nothing more than to take the coward’s way out and communicate via phone—or, even better, email—she had decided a man deserved to know he was going to become a father in person.

  But figuring out how to find the man in Seattle was turning into more of a challenge than she expected.

  She sat once more on the rooftop garden of the hospital on her lunch break, her cell phone in her hand as she punched in Easton Springhill’s phone number as a last resort.

  Easton’s voice rose in surprise when she answered. “Tess! I was just thinking about you!”

  “Oh?”

  “I’ve been meaning to check in and see how life in the big city is treating you.”

  She gazed out through the gray mist at the buildings and neighborhoods that had become familiar friends to her during her frequent rooftop breaks. “Good. I like it here. I suppose Pine Gulch will always be home but I’m settling in.”

  “I’m so glad to hear that. You deserve some happiness.”

  And she would have it, she vowed. No matter what Quinn Southerland had to say about their child.

  “How are you?” she stalled. “I mean really.”

  Easton was silent for a moment. “All right, I guess. I’m trying to stay busy. It’s calving time so I’m on the run all the time, which I suppose is a blessing.”

  “I’m sorry I haven’t called to check on you before now. I’ve thought of you often.”

  “No problem. You’ve been busy starting a new life. By the way,” Easton went on, “I checked in on your morning coffee klatch crowd the other day and they all miss you like crazy. I never realized old Sal Martinez had such a thing for you.”

  She laughed, thinking of the dearly familiar old-timers who could always be counted on to lift her spirits. “What can I say? I’m pretty popular with eighty-year-old men who have cataracts.”

  Maybe she was making a mistake in her decision to stay in Portland and raise her baby. Moving back to Pine Gulch would give her child structure, community. Instant family. She had time to make that particular decision, she told herself. First things first.

  “Listen, I’m sorry to bother you but I’m trying to reach Quinn and I can’t find his personal contact information.”

  “You can’t?” Easton’s shock filtered clearly through the phone and Tess winced. She had never told her friend that she and Quinn had parted on difficult terms. She supposed she had assumed Quinn would have told her.

  “No. I tried to call his company and ended up having to go through various gatekeepers who weren’t inclined to be cooperative.”

  “He can be harder to reach than the Oval Office sometimes. I’ve got his cell number programmed on mine so I don’t have it memorized but hang on while I look it up.”

  She returned in a moment and recited the number and Tess scribbled it down.

  “Can you tell me his home address?” she said, feeling awkward and uncomfortable that she had to ask.

  Easton paused for a long moment. “Is something wrong, Tess?”

  If you only knew the half of it, she thought.

  “Not at all,” she lied. “I just... I wanted to mail him something,” she improvised quickly.

  She could tell her friend didn’t quite buy her explanation but to her vast relief, Easton recited the address.

  “You’ll have to find the zip code. I don’t know that off the top of my head.”

  “I can look it up. Thanks.”

  “Are you sure nothing’s wrong? You sound distracted.”

  “Just busy. Listen, I’m on a break at the hospital and really need to get back to my patients. It was great talking to you. I’ll call you next week sometime when we both have more time to chat.”

  “You do that.”

  They said their goodbyes, though she could still hear the questions in Easton’s voice. She was happy to hang up the phone. Another moment and she would be blurting it all out. Easton was too darned perceptive and Tess had always been a lousy liar.


  She certainly couldn’t tell Easton about her pregnancy until she’d had a chance to share the news with Quinn first.

  She gazed at the address in her hand, her stomach tangled in knots at the encounter that loomed just over the horizon.

  Whatever happened, her baby would still have her.

  * * *

  Talk about acting on the spur of the moment.

  Quinn cruised down the winding, thickly forested street in Portland, wondering what the hell he was doing there.

  He wasn’t one for spontaneity and impulsive acts of insanity, but here he was, trying to follow his GPS directions through an unfamiliar neighborhood in the dark and the rain.

  She might not even be home. For all he knew, she could be working nights or even, heaven forbid, on a date.

  At the thought, he was tempted to just turn his car around and drive back to Seattle. He was crazy to just show up at her place out of the blue like this. But then, when it came to Tess and his behavior toward her, sanity hadn’t exactly been in plentiful supply.

  He felt edgy and off balance, as if he didn’t even know himself anymore and the man he always thought he’d been. He was supposed to be a careful businessman, known for his forethought and savvy strategizing.

  He certainly wasn’t a man who drove a hundred and fifty miles on a whim, all because of a simple phone call from Easton.

  When she called him he had just been wrapping up an important meeting. The moment she said Tess had called her looking for his address and phone number, his brain turned to mush and he hadn’t been able to focus on anything else. Not the other executives still in the room with him or the contract Southerland Shipping had just signed or the route reconfiguration they were negotiating.

  All he could think about was Tess.

  His conversation with Easton played through his mind now as he followed the GPS directions.

  “Something seemed off, you know?” she had said. “I couldn’t put my finger on it but she sounded upset. I just wanted to give you a heads-up that she might be trying to reach you.”

  As it had then, his mind raced in a hundred different directions. What could be wrong? After three months of empty, deafening silence between them, why was she suddenly trying to make contact?