by Sarah Mirk
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Unsure or questioning
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Bigender
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“We’re Here, We’re Queer!”
Cultures around the world are deeply ingrained with heterosexism—discrimination and prejudice based on the idea that heterosexuality is the only “normal” sexual orientation. Heterosexism exists in US laws. For many years, it was illegal to have sex with someone of your same gender, for women to wear “men’s” clothes and vice versa, and for anyone other than a straight couple to marry. American pop culture reflects heterosexism too—LGBTQ characters are in the minority on-screen—and it plays out in violent behavior as well, with LGBTQ people facing high levels of violence. Through decades of activism, acceptance of LGBTQ people has grown enormously. Some legal protections are in place too.
It Just Ain’t So
LGBTQ people face all kinds of stereotypes that just aren’t true. If you run across people who make statements like these, let them know the ideas are false:
Kids need both a mother and father. Same-gender parents are actually great parents. A 2010 review of all the studies on same-sex parenting found no differences between children raised by heterosexual parents and children raised by same-sex parents.
Bisexual people are just faking. People sometimes say that bisexual people need to “choose a side”—either they’re gay or straight. That’s not only hurtful. It doesn’t make any sense. Humans can be attracted to people of all genders.
Gay men are always “girly,” and gay women are always “manly.” Gay and bi people, like straight people, express their gender in all kinds of ways. There are super-feminine lesbians and super-butch lesbians. The same goes for gay men. You can’t tell someone’s sexual orientation by how they dress or act.
People become gay because they were abused or had bad parents. Nope. No scientifically sound study has linked sexual orientation or gender identity to parental role modeling or childhood sexual abuse.
Yet LGBTQ people still face prejudice and discrimination even though scientific research shows that sexual orientation is not a choice. A 2008 Swedish study on twins concluded that “homosexual behaviour is largely shaped by genetics and random environmental factors.” In recent years, anthropologists researching human sexuality have looked back through thousands of years of history trying to find universal patterns of behavior. What they’ve found is that humans are defined by difference. For as far back as we can see in human history, there have always been men who have sex with men, women who have sex with women, and asexual people.
Coming Out
If you’ve done some deep thinking and come to learn that you don’t identify as straight, cisgender, or both, you can decide who to tell and how. Many LGBTQ people describe coming out as a lifelong process. In each new social setting and job, LGBTQ people often have to decide whether to talk about their identities. Whether to talk to someone about your sexual orientation or gender identity depends a lot on if you feel safe to come out.
Sometimes coming out is dangerous. For example, some parents kick their LGBTQ children out of the house. That makes LGBTQ youth way more likely to be homeless than straight, cisgender youth. A 2017 report from the University of Chicago found that one in ten LGBTQ people between the ages of eighteen and twenty-five had experienced homelessness in the past year. People can also be fired from their jobs or not hired for positions because of their sexual orientation or gender identity. Twenty-three states have laws banning these types of discrimination, but most do not. One in four LGBTQ people say that they’ve experienced some kind of discrimination at work.
On the other hand, many LGBTQ people have great experiences coming out to loving, supportive, and helpful families, friends, and coworkers. If you do decide to come out, there’s no right way to share the information. You might choose to write a letter, talk about it over the phone, or tell just a small group of friends at first.
When you come out, to whom, and how is up to you. You’ll know when and what feels safe and good, so follow your own sense of what is right.
Questions to Think About
Either I’m going crazy or I have the weirdest breasts in the world: my right breast is bigger than my left breast! Also, I have a giant hair growing out of my left nipple. It’s the grossest thing! I cut it off, but it keeps growing back! Am I just a big freak, or is there something, like, medically wrong with me and my hairy, misshapen boobs?
Breasts are funny, aren’t they? While the image of breasts we see in movies and magazines are impossibly round, perfect melons, it’s actually more common for breasts to be slightly different sizes than for them to be evenly symmetrical. As one doctor quipped to Self magazine, “They are sisters, not twins.” Also, breasts fluctuate in size depending on where you are in the menstrual cycle. They tend to be slightly bigger (and more sensitive) during ovulation. As for the long hair, that’s normal too! About 30 percent of women report having hair on their nipples. If it freaks you out, the best option is to carefully snip off the hair—shaving or plucking it could cause ingrown hairs.
I’m straight and my best friend came out last year as gay. I want to be supportive of them, but I’m not sure how. What can I do to be a good ally?
The first step to being a good ally for anyone of a marginalized identity is to listen. That means actually listening to your friend when they’re talking about their experiences and feelings. But it also means seeking out other voices to listen to: read books about LGBTQ history and identity, follow social media accounts of proud LGBTQ folks, and watch movies that center on LGBTQ characters. These will help you understand the history and social context behind issues.
As an ally, use your position to reach out to other straight people. If you hear someone saying something homophobic, talk to them about it. Talk to your family about LGBTQ issues. Don’t out your friend to anyone. Be part of building a network of support that will help protect anyone who’s LGBTQ.
Chapter Three
Macho Men and Girly Girls
From a very young age, we get messages about how we should dress, look, and behave based on our gender. Stores often divide clothes for babies into pink girl clothes and blue boy clothes. When humanlike figurines are marketed to girls, they’re called dolls. When they’re marketed to boys, they’re called action figures. In these ways, gender is socially constructed. Society builds and reinforces the rules.
Man Up!
Joe Ehrmann was a linebacker for the Baltimore Colts in the National Football League. For many people, that’s the epitome of the macho guy. But Ehrmann says the three scariest words a boy can hear are “Be a man.” Ehrmann remembers his dad taught him that “men don’t need. Men don’t want. Men don’t touch. Men don’t feel.”
Educator and antiviolence advocate Tony Porter says of men, “From a young age, we’re taught not to express our emotions.” Studies show the mental health benefits of talking about feelings, but boys are taught to repress their feelings so they don’t appear weak. Feelings have to go somewhere. Unable to talk about feelings, adult men are three times more likely to commit suicide than women, more likely to abuse alcohol and drugs, and much less likely to seek help for mental health issues. And with few ways to express feelings through words, a man’s emotions are more likely to burst out in violent and inappropriate ways such as bullying and physical violence.
Attitudes, behavior, and discrimination based on traditional stereotypes of gender roles limit how we express ourselves. And this limit has a name. It’s called sexism.
Swimming in Sexism
Pop culture and media are among the most influential forces that shape values, behavior, and a person’s sense of identity. The movies you watch, the photos you scroll through on Instagram, the TV you stream, and the magazines you read—all of these send messages about what’s “normal�
� and what’s not. Many of the messages are not very obvious, but they sink in deeply.
You might not notice sexism because it’s all around you every day. For example,
Do you feel comfortable signing up for whatever activities you want in school? Or do you and your friends think of some activities as for “boys only” and some for “girls only”? If you’re a boy, would you sign up for ballet classes? According to a study by a dance sociologist at Wayne State University in Detroit, 93 percent of boys who took ballet were bullied and harassed.
Do you feel as if you can pursue any career? Or are some jobs considered not an option for you because they’re too “girly” or “manly”? Men make up 91 percent of construction workers. Women make up 97 percent of preschool teachers. What factors contribute to this gender split?
Do you speak up in class? Studies of elementary and middle school classrooms show that boys are eight times more likely than girls to call out answers. Teachers are also more likely to listen to boys than to girls. By contrast, teachers scold girls who call out answers in class, telling them to raise their hands before speaking.
The most important way to fight back against sexism is to recognize that it exists. Keep an eye out for gender-based patterns in your own life. Listen to, read about, and believe people who are hurt by discrimination. Try to change your own behavior so you don’t contribute to gender stereotypes. Taking these steps is part of being a feminist. Feminism is believing in and advocating for equal rights for all people.
Dealing with Discrimination
Discrimination is based on core aspects of identity such as gender (sexism), race (racism), sexual orientation (homophobia), gender identity (transphobia), economic class (classism), and ability (ableism). Discrimination happens institutionally in laws, official government decisions, and public policies. It also happens culturally through individual and group behaviors. Here are some questions to ask yourself and your friends to identify institutional and cultural discrimination in your school:
What race and gender are the people in positions of power at your school? Nationally, about 80 percent of teachers are white, 7 percent are black and 2 percent are Asian. The vast majority of teachers are women (77 percent). Only 52 percent of principals are women.
Who gets in trouble during class? Schools are much more likely to suspend black students than students of any other race. Boys are more likely to be suspended than girls.
Can someone in a wheelchair get everywhere in your school? In New York City, 83 percent of public schools are not fully accessible to people with disabilities, often because schools don’t have elevators and students have to use stairs to get to their classrooms.
Discrimination also occurs in dating and sexuality. And it’s not pretty. Data from OkCupid, an online dating, friendship, and social networking site, showed that most men on the site rated black women as less attractive than women of other races and ethnicities. Women rated Asian men as less desirable than other races. On Grindr, a dating app for men seeking men, researchers found 15 percent of men included racist preferences, such as “I don’t date Asians—sorry not sorry,” on their profiles.
So what can you do to fight discrimination? The first step is to listen to the people who are being discriminated against. Often, when people speak up to say they have experienced some kind of discrimination, harassment, or abuse, members of the dominant group don’t believe them or they try to justify the hurtful behavior. This makes it even harder to speak up.
Another step is to examine your own behavior and change your actions and your words. Do you have biases about whom you would date? Have you ever made fun of someone for their gender or sexual orientation? Changing attitudes, behaviors, and word choices isn’t something you can master in a day. It builds over time, and making an effort counts for a lot.
Another important step is to speak up when you witness discrimination. Are your friends, coworkers, or family members talking about girls in a demeaning way? Did someone make a racist joke in class? Did a friend use the word gay as a slur? It’s often scary to call out this behavior, but it makes a big difference. When you hear someone talking in a discriminatory way, you can say, “I don’t like that word” or “That sounds racist to me” or “Isn’t that pretty sexist?” Even if the person brushes off the criticism or laughs at your comment, they will know where you stand and they may think twice about making the same statement again. If you find that someone you know continues to say offensive things in front of you, try to avoid them or pull yourself out of the conversation altogether. Sometimes staying away from prejudiced people is the best move.
Emotional Labor
Talking about feelings is complicated by gender dynamics in society that instill the idea that “real men” don’t talk about their emotions. Men are too often taught that a core part of masculinity is to never cry or express sadness but to instead bottle up feelings and act “tough.” One impact of this situation is that men are more likely to repress their emotions only to have them explode in violent, destructive ways. And then women end up carrying the burden of talking about feelings. Having to manage the emotions and expectations of others and do the heavy lifting of taking care of someone else’s feelings is emotional labor.
Examples of emotional labor include organizing social events, being a good host by making sure everyone feels welcome and included, feeding friends and family, pitching in to clean without being asked, recognizing when someone is upset and helping them out, and talking people through tough times. Emotional labor isn’t bad—you’re lucky if you have someone in your life who is skilled in these social tasks. But emotional labor needs to be recognized and appreciated.
In an article in Harper’s Bazaar, author Gemma Hartley gives a clear example of the emotional labor division in her household: “My son will boast of his clean room and any other jobs he has done; my daughter will quietly put her clothes in the hamper and get dressed each day without being asked. They are six and four respectively. Unless I engage in this conversation on emotional labor and actively change the roles we inhabit, our children will do the same. . . . Our sons can still learn to carry their own weight. Our daughter can learn to not carry others’.”
In your relationships, keep an eye on who buys presents, makes dinner, cleans up, organizes events, and brings up the difficult-to-discuss issues. Regardless of gender, everyone should appreciate the emotional labor that goes into life and work hard to speak honestly about their feelings.
The Princess Problem
In the 1989 Disney classic The Little Mermaid, mermaid princess Ariel is designed to be a very specific ideal of feminine beauty. She has big blue eyes, large breasts, a tiny waist, and completely smooth wrinkle-and-freckle-free white skin. Ariel’s body is so out of proportion with reality that her eyes are actually bigger than her waist! Pop culture researcher Sarah Coyne looked at the effect Disney princesses have on body image. She found that girls who consumed most princess-themed pop culture over time had the lowest body esteem: “Disney Princesses represent some of the first examples of exposure to the thin ideal. As women, we get it our whole lives, and it really does start at the Disney Princess level, at age three and four,” she said.
And it’s not just Disney. A University of South Florida analysis of American children’s movies reported that 72 percent of these films “associated thinness with positive character traits such as kindness, and three out of four equated obesity with undesirable qualities.”These images affect real kids. For example, by age ten, 80 percent of American girls say they’ve been on a diet. In a survey by the British youth organization Girlguiding, 66 percent of girls ages seventeen to twenty-one said they felt they were “not pretty enough” most of the time, and 61 percent felt they “need to be perfect” most of the time.
Think back to the movies you grew up watching and are watching now. Can you think of positive female characters who are fat or small-chested? How many positive male characters can you think of who are physically small o
r not strong? How many positive characters can you think of who have dark skin? How many are gay, bi, lesbian, or trans?
Does It Pass the Bechdel Test?
Frustrated by male-dominated movies, cartoonist Alison Bechdel once jokingly suggested rating films by whether they include women. The idea took off. To pass the Bechdel Test, films must have three things:
At least two women characters with names have roles.
They talk to each other.
They talk about something besides a man.
The Bechdel Test isn’t about determining whether a movie is good or bad. It’s a helpful tool for critically considering the roles women play on-screen. Make a list with a friend of movies you’ve seen lately. Do you think they pass or fail the Bechdel Test?
Who Gets to Speak?
In 2016 the University of Southern California Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism released a study of 4,554 speaking characters in nine hundred American films released since 2007. The study found that 71 percent of the actors were white. Of those thousands of characters, only 67 were gay male characters, 20 were lesbian characters, 16 were bisexual characters, and 1 was a transgender character.
Who Do You See On-Screen?
How do you think the characters we see on-screen affect our image of the real world? How do film and TV shape what we think of as normal? A study by USC’s Annenberg School found that
66.5 percent of speaking roles in films and TV are male characters;
34 percent of female characters on-screen wear sexy clothing;
8 percent of male characters on-screen wear sexy clothing;
89 percent of nurses in films are female;
