More Sh*t My Dad Says

by Justin Halpern

  After a minute she finally let go of me, stood up on her tiptoes, and kissed me again. Then I gave her friend Madeleine a hug, as well as the hostess who came to seat us, even though she looked like she didn’t necessarily want one.

  Before we sat down, Amanda wanted to call her parents, and I decided to call mine as well.

  “Hello?” I heard my dad say.

  “It’s Justin,” I said.

  “Oh, hey, son. What’s happening?”

  “I did it,” I said.

  “You did what?” he asked.

  “I proposed to Amanda. She said yes,” I replied.

  “Well hot damn! Good for you, son. Congratulations. Glad it all worked out. You looked a little nervous this morning. Thought your balls were gonna run up in your asshole for a minute there,” he said.

  “They almost did.”

  “Well, good to hear. You now have someone else to drive batshit crazy besides me. Welcome to married life, son.”

  Acknowledgments

  This book would not be possible without the support of so many of my friends. For my friends who appeared in the book, thank you for spending way too much time helping me remember exactly what happened. There’s no way I could have filled in all the details without the help of Ryan Walter, Danny Phin, Aaron Estrada, and Jeff Cleator.

  Thank you to my father, who read every chapter before anyone else, and let me know when he found things to be “fucking silly.” Thank you to my mom and my brothers, Dan, Evan, and Jose, for constantly supporting me throughout the process.

  Thanks also to a number of my friends who were always there for me, whether it was to read a draft or just talk through a problem: Cory Jones, Lindsay Goldenberg, Patrick Schumacker, Brian Warner, Brian Huntington, Robert Chafino, Mike Lisbe, Nate Reger, Katie Des Londes, Laura Moran, Brendan Darby, Zack Rosenblatt, Dan Rubin, Lon Zimmet, Robin Shorr, Heather Hicks, Jason Ervin, Casey Phin, Greg Szalay, Scott Satenspiel, George Collins, Chris Von Goetz, and Madeleine Amodeo, and a super-special thank you to Byrd Leavell, who is amazing. Thank you to my editor at HarperCollins, Calvert Morgan, who cleaned up all of my bad habits, and to the rest of the HarperCollins team, Kevin Callahan, Michael Barrs, and Heidi Metcalfe.

  Thank you to Kate Hamill, who has been editing every word of this book for the last two years. She is unbelievably talented and tireless, and is responsible for making this book something I could be proud of. I could not have gone through this process without her.

  Finally, thank you to my wife, Amanda. She’s the best partner I could ever have hoped for, and without her, I wouldn’t even have wanted to write this book. Amanda, thank you for letting me drive you insane while I wrote this. Just remember, even when I’m old and decrepit, I’ll always bring you a glass of water before bed. I love you.

  JUSTIN HALPERN is the founding editor of the comedy website HolyTaco.com and was a senior writer at Maxim.com. In 2009, Halpern created the Twitter page @sh*tmydadsays, which now boasts over three million followers. He co-created and produced a sitcom adaptation for CBS, and has served as a writer on other television series. He splits his time between Los Angeles and San Diego, with his wife Amanda.

  Praise for Sh*t My Dad Says

  ‘Sam Halpern is an astonishing, forceful, no-nonsense armchair philosopher who, in spite of a great education and a career as an esteemed oncologist, swears like a navvy . . . Funny, silly, honest, lively and fresh’

  Sunday Times

  ‘Sh*t My Dad Says captures the awkward formative moments between father and son – the hangovers, the first break-up, sex education . . . In many ways Halpern Snr is the voice of reason in a world where we spend too long pussy-footing around, fearful of creating offence’

  Independent

  ‘You will roar with laughter’

  Sun

  ‘Ridiculously hilarious’

  CHELSEA HANDLER, New York Times bestselling author of Are you there, Vodka? It’s me, Chelsea

  ‘Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching – and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book’

  LAURIE NOTARO, New York Times bestselling author of The Idiot Girls’ Action-Adventure Club

  Also by Justin Halpern

  Sh*t My Dad Says

  First published 2012 as I Suck at Girls by Macmillan

  First published in paperback 2013 as More Sh*t My Dad Says by Pan Books

  This electronic edition published 2013 by Pan Books

  an imprint of Pan Macmillan, a division of Macmillan Publishers Limited

  Pan Macmillan, 20 New Wharf Road, London N1 9RR

  Basingstoke and Oxford

  Associated companies throughout the world

  www.panmacmillan.com

  ISBN 978-1-4472-4895-8

  Copyright © Justin Halpern 2012

  The right of Justin Halpern to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

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