Crazy, Stupid, Lazy, Cupid (Cupid Inc Book 1)

by Andie M. Long

  People always told me that my face wore my feelings, and I guessed that was the case when Destiny squeezed my arm.

  “Hey, I know this is all new and daunting, but we’ll get through this, girl. Just know this is all new for me too and for most of the people in our class.”

  My forehead creased with confusion. “What do you mean most people? Aren’t they all new?”

  “No, some of them have failed and had to repeat.”

  Here was something I found interesting. Maybe someone else was so bad at being a Cupid representative that all of Martine’s attention could be channelled in that direction, with the spotlight taken away from me. It was food for thought.

  “So tell me, who in class is repeating?”

  “Max definitely is, and I think Rhonda too. I don’t really know the others myself yet. But I met Max and Rhonda yesterday when I moved in. Max lives below me and Rhonda next door.”

  “Are you in the student accommodation too?”

  “Yes, in block B. How about you?”

  “I’m in block A.”

  “Oh, so you’re in the block next door. I’m glad you’re nearby.”

  I worked my way through my meal while Destiny told me about growing up in Birmingham and how she had been happily married up until two years ago, after which she had fallen out with love and had stopped matchmaking. She looked a little upset when talking about her marriage, so I decided not to press her further on the subject.

  “I lived in Birmingham until I was eighteen. In Bickenhill.” I told her.

  “You did? I lived in Solihull. Rhonda’s from Birmingham too. It’s a small world, isn’t it? Where do you live now?”

  “A little seaside town called Withernsea, near Hull. I love it there. Me and my husband Johnny were very happy there. Are very happy there even.” I didn’t want to put my marriage in a past tense. Meddling Cupid fucktards.

  “Did I hear you say something about your husband having been turned into a dog?”

  “Yes, it’s my punishment for being happily in love and neglecting those who aren’t. Johnny is now a Whippet and in doggy day care. Luckily, he is allowed to reside with me in my flat as he barely barks and spends much of his time asleep.”

  “Wow. That seems an evil thing to have done. How long is the punishment for?”

  “Until I graduate apparently. So in the meantime I have to look for pet friendly places to visit at the weekends and make do with my husband getting his dirty paws on me rather than his hands.”

  Destiny burst out laughing. “I’m sorry. I’m sure you don’t find it amusing at all. It’s just the idea of you getting home and then having to play with his balls, his bouncy ones!”

  I sniggered. “How about the fact I have to pick up his poop? My love life is crap, literally.”

  That was it. She dissolved into laughter again. Destiny’s laughter was a proper honking sound and half the cafeteria turned around to see what she was laughing at. But finding it infectious, I ended up joining in.

  I felt a little mean because my gorgeous hubby didn’t deserve any of this and for the first time a hint of remorse about what had led me to this point appeared. I stopped laughing and shuddered.

  A crease appeared between Destiny’s brows. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, just experienced an emotion. Ugh.”

  Destiny tilted her head and stared at me for a second or two. “Me and you, babe. Looks like we’re two peas in a pod. I’ve closed myself off too. Looks like we were made to be friends and friends look out for each other.” She held out a hand to shake. “You can count on me, Samara Leighton. You need a friend while you’re here, I’m available.”

  I shook her hand. “Likewise, although I don’t know how much use I’ll be seeing as I’m crazy, stupid, and lazy.”

  “Oh take no notice of Martine. I hear she’s a teacher who likes her favourites, the ones that suck up. We’ll have to do our best into fooling her that we really want to be there, get our course passed and then we’re free.”

  “Can we get the answers online?” I winked.

  “Hmm, don’t think they’d be impressed if I hacked another computer system. I think you’re actually going to have to do some of the work this time, Samara. Time to get off that lazy backside of yours. Speaking of which, if you’ve finished lunch, let’s go do that tour I promised you.”

  While she was showing me around, we carried on chatting.

  “Oh I meant to say, cute trick with the throwing your voice. Where did you learn to do that?”

  “I spent a lot of my childhood alone, so if I could make my toys and dolls speak, it meant I had someone.” My expression must have shown I wasn’t wanting to talk about it.

  “Sorry, let’s change the subject. So how did you meet your husband then?”

  This made me smile. “On a date arranged by the then new dating agency in Withernsea.” I smiled thinking about it as it was such a great memory. “When Shelley was setting the place up, I agreed to be a guinea pig and she set me up with Johnny. We met at a local bar in Withernsea and it was just love at first sight for us both. I’d been looking for love as I’d been on a bit of a downer and had not been doing much matchmaking. When Shelley came along, I saw a chance for change. I felt her agency might inspire me to do my bit for the love lives of the Withernsea residents and I might find my own partner for life.”

  “So did it change anything?”

  “I got that Cupid feeling and Johnny mentioned at the end of our date that he could see us getting married. That he felt like he’d met his soulmate. I agreed and so when we were on our way home, I struck him with an arrow and then put its pair through my own heart. He proposed outside the door of my flat. We told Shelley we were engaged the day after. A local paper carried the story and Shelley’s agency took off. That’s why I didn’t feel too guilty including her matchmaking stats in my targets. I had helped the place get its first influx of customers.”

  “But it didn’t inspire you to make any more love matches yourself?”

  I shook my head. “Not as many as Cupid Inc wanted. We were too in love. When we weren’t working, we spent every available moment together. We eloped to Gretna Green after a month. I wanted to spend as much of my spare time as possible with Johnny, not be out trying to match up a zillion people. I did do some but apparently it wasn’t good enough so in the end I thought why bother? Now I just tend to see if Shelley needs a hand. How about yo-?”

  “We’re here. The Principal’s Office.”

  “Oh.” I’d been so busy talking, I hadn’t realised that we’d reached the room of doom. “Wish me luck.” I told her. “I’ve a feeling I’m going to need it.”

  “Good luck. I’ll see you tomorrow. It’s study afternoon. Have you looked online for your assignment?” She checked out my expression. “Of course you haven’t. How did you even know which class to come to today?”

  “Cupid Inc sent me a text saying as I’d not reported to the reception for my induction pack, this was the room to go to and to see reception as soon as I could.”

  “Let me guess. You’ve texted them back asking where the next lesson is?”

  I looked at the floor as my shoe had suddenly become a lot more interesting.

  “Oh, Samara. You do make me laugh. What are we going to do with you?” She looked at me and smiled. “Go to reception after the Principal’s office. Otherwise you’re never graduating. Which is worse?”

  I groaned. “You’re right. I’ll go straight after.”

  Destiny left, and I knocked on the Principal’s door.

  “Come in.”

  Entering the room, I walked over to the desk the Principal sat behind and flopped into the seat he beckoned me towards.

  “Samara.” He said.

  “Hello, Dad.” I answered.

  Samara

  “So I had hoped you’d have popped in yourself this morning before school to say hello, rather than be sent here because you are already acting stupid.”

  I sat
back in my seat and stared at the ceiling. I was now back to acting around fourteen years old rather than the twenty-eight I actually was.

  My father stood up and stared out of the window. I sat back up and watched him. He was tall, of slim build, and his hair was pale grey where it used to be pale blonde like mine. We shared the same eye colour of green too, but my features were my mother’s: her heart-shaped face, her rosebud lips, her curls, though hers were dark blonde. He liked to tell people I sent him grey.

  “Well, I’d hate to confuse you by being anything other than a disappointment.” I snarled. “I suppose I should ask how Mrs Perfect is.”

  He turned to me furrowing his brow. “Your mother is fine, as you’d know if you ever bothered to contact us.”

  Sighing, I glared at him. “I stopped calling when it became a series of continuous lectures, just as today is proving to be. Now unless ‘parental relationships’ is on my curriculum, which even though I haven’t seen it, I seriously doubt, I’d be grateful if you could just do your Principal bit so I can leave.”

  He sat back down. “Very well.”

  Picking up a folder, he opened it and extracted a file. “As you missed the induction which was last week, I will give you the basics. You are in school to relearn how to be a shining example of a Cupid representative and to be reminded of how to create love and obtain your monthly targets while finding the best matches. Though we can’t know matches will work out, you have the Cupid math to do to ensure there’s the best chance of success. So lesson wise it goes like this. Monday’s it’s Martine and guided lessons. Monday afternoons are private study where you will be expected to research and write a short report. The assignments are online in your personal portal.”

  Huh, this was all so basic. Back in Withernsea portals were supernatural dimensions, not computer programmes.

  “Tuesday mornings are back to Martine’s for lessons. Tuesday afternoons are fieldwork. Wednesday morning is guided lessons, Wednesday afternoon is individual counselling. Thursdays are a day of fieldwork but you report to class first, and Friday mornings it’s guided lessons again with a homework set for the weekend.”

  “And how long do people usually stay in school before they graduate?”

  “Some are only in class a week, Samara. Some are still there months later. It depends how quickly you grasp what you should be doing.”

  I could be out of here in a week? It was time to become Martine’s star pupil. Then I could get my husband back and get on with the Cleethorpes probation. Before I knew it, I’d be back in Withernsea.

  “Now Martine’s emailed report says you weren’t paying attention in class. May I remind you that the only way to pass is to listen to everything and do what’s asked. This is a highly coveted role, Samara.”

  My hands fisted tightly. “That I can’t leave because I was born to two of the best Cupid representatives ever. My father descended from the main guy himself. It’s in my blood so therefore—unlike anyone else without the genetics—I have to Cupid.”

  “That’s right, daughter. It’s in your blood and we know what happened the last time you tried to stop.”

  “Yes, I’m hardly likely to forget spouting romantic love poetry in the park while hugging and kissing every person who went past telling them to share love because it was free.”

  “Indeed. Followed by you being arresting for punching someone.”

  “He was feeling me up because he thought he’d pulled. I couldn’t stop telling him how I was counting the ways of how I loved him. I understood he felt a bit led on, but that’s no excuse for getting handsy. You’ve heard of #Metoo, right?”

  “And remind me, dear daughter, how did you get out of this again?”

  Huffing, I rolled my eyes upwards. “I shot him and the policewoman who came to arrest me with arrows.”

  “What incredible luck that by some fluke they were an actual match, otherwise you’d have been in even more trouble.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “Okay, so is that all because I have to go to reception and then get my husband from day care, before going home to do my homework.”

  “Ah yes, I do hope to meet Johnny soon. In his human form that is.”

  “Yeah, well at the moment I have no such plans for you to meet.”

  I saw my father’s face fall in disappointment. I don’t know why it still bothered me. It was all I’d ever seen, and heard: ‘Oh, Samara. You came last in your test. How? This stuff is in your blood’. Blah, blah, blah. If I saw my father with Johnny, I’d try to train my husband hound to piss up his leg at the very least.

  “Well, you know where we are if you need us. Our door is always open to you, daughter.”

  “Oh yeah? Ready to swing back and hit me in the arse on my way out. ‘What would you like to eat, Samara? If it’s not humble pie, off you go’. Don’t hold your breath, will you?”

  My father placed a finger on his chin. “Have you thought about family, Samara? You do know your own offspring will be from the Cupid line and therefore will be Cupids too?”

  That was it. I’d had enough of him now. My voice rose. “Yeah, and that’s why I have no intention of having any children, until such time as they can pinpoint the Cupid gene and I can get it modified or removed. No way am I bringing up a child to be as miserable as you made me.” I stood up. “I’ll see myself out.”

  As I left the room, I realised I needed a plan to help me pass as soon as possible. I wanted my husband and my life back and to get as far away from my parents as possible.

  I picked up the rest of the induction pack and my passwords from reception and then I left the building, glad to be away from its oppression.

  Johnny came bounding over the minute I entered the doggy playroom, enthusiastically wagging his tail and licking my hand. It was really off-putting given I knew how often he liked to lick his arse.

  “Good boy, Johnny. Did you miss me?” I said, stroking his head. His fur was lovely and soft. He really was a beautiful dog; a fact that didn’t surprise me because he was a beautiful man. I was growing fond of my Whippet, but just had trouble equating it with being my husband rather than a pet. Thank God he wouldn’t remember any of this I thought, as we walked home and he ate a bit of another dog’s poo from the grass. That was his teeth getting brushed the moment we got in.

  I put my key-card in the security slot in the main front door of Block A and then walked through the lobby towards my own front door. Unlocking the plain boring brown wooden door, I pushed it open, letting Johnny run past me. After hanging my coat and bag on a peg in the hall, I went through to the kitchen where I changed Johnny’s water and put fresh biscuits down. Then I went through to my bedroom and threw myself down on the bed. Because everything was just so boring. My routines. This flat. My current life.

  The flat was furnished but with the most basic items. The mattress on the bed was new but hard as a rock. I’d bought some plain beige, cheap bed-linen that was from a local discount store on Sunday afternoon. The flat was stark and unwelcoming and it made me miss my gorgeous home back in Withernsea. I’d been so happy there with Johnny and now I had this crap.

  You could count on one hand how often I’d cried since I left home. I’d hardened myself up against being hurt. But as Johnny jumped on the bed and curled up at my feet, clueless thankfully about the fact he was a human husband, tears ran down my face. I buried my face in the pillow and breathed deeply while I got myself back under control.

  A few minutes later, I decided vodka was the answer. Pouring a large measure, I added coke, and took a nice long slug. I wanted to veg out on the sofa watching YOU because Penn was gorgeous even if he did play a psycho, but I had this assignment to do.

  I had to set up all my new systems and take note of passwords. God, it was tedious. Eventually, I found my way to a learner’s page where it was set up with assignments and a digital copy of my timetable. I clicked in to the assignment.

  Assignment One

  Write a simple report about all the
places you can go to match-make potential new suitors. Give particular thought to why these matches may work, noting your best idea which you will do more in-depth research on in a future assignment. Feel free to add supplementary information with your assignment such as magazine articles or photos that back up your hypothesis.

  Oh Gaaaawwwwwd. I groaned out loud. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I had to think. I did not want to think. A much better use of my time right now was to feel sorry for myself and finish this lovely vodka. But if I didn’t do the work, I’d never get out of here. I opened a word document and began.

  Where to find the best places to matchmake.

  Samara Leighton.

  I got up and poured myself another vodka. Johnny was curled up at the edge of the sofa with his eyes closed when I returned from the kitchen. “Well you’re not much use, are you? Where’s a good place to matchmake people, huh?” I rolled my eyes and sat down. He opened his eyes, jumped off the sofa and started barking.

  “Oh, what’s wrong with you now? You’ve been fed. We’ve been for a walk.”

  Bark. Head down to the side. Body dipped at the front. Bark.

  “You want another walk?”

  Bark.

  “Oh come on then.” I went to put my coat back on and got his lead out. It meant I could put off the assignment for another hour at least, and I might just call at the chippy on the way home so I didn’t have to cook tonight. Bonus.

  We walked over the road to the local park. There were lots of trees at the edge and a path between those and the large grassed area with doggy poop bins. It was perfect for dog walkers and meant I got a good walking workout as the whole route was 5k. I set off, having to pause every so often for Johnny to sniff at the grass.