Star Minds Chasing Stardom

by Barbara G. Tarn

  ***

  "Astrid, visitor for you," Shantel announced.

  Year two was over, but again they'd decided to stay on Vilas Lok, working on summer gigs, instead of going back to Marc'harid. Shantel had gone out that morning, leaving Astrid to learn her lines.

  They both still shared a room at the campus and therefore avoided dating other students. Shantel was seeing a young man from a local theater company, but Astrid wasn't interested in anyone at the moment.

  When she showed up at the bedroom door, Shantel was beaming and Tyrell was right behind her.

  "Tyrell!" Astrid couldn't believe her eyes.

  He rushed to hug her as Shantel retreated to the corridor, satisfied.

  "Shantel hasn't changed," Tyrell said. "What about you?"

  I changed, Astrid thought.

  Two years earlier she melted every time Tyrell took her in his arms. Now she barely refrained from stiffening as he held her close. She craved fame even more than before. She knew soon she'd be the heroine of a great movie and would win the Best Actress Award!

  "I don't know," she answered. "You're always the same too. What did you do while we struggled to emerge from the wannabe pool?"

  "I worked hard and have started my own business. I'll let you finish this course, then I'll abduct you and marry you. One more year and we'll be together forever!"

  "Are you kidding?" she protested. "I can't come! You're asking me to leave the school and the industry to be a housewife – or help you run a business, when I'm hopeless with maths! I can't Tyrell, I'm only nineteen..."

  Tyrell's smile vanished. "You can't leave everything to be with me?"

  "No, Tyrell. I love this acting life."

  "Astrid..."

  "Please, Tyrell, don't make things look so bad. I don't want to give up my dreams."

  She had completely forgotten her boyfriend in her chase for stardom, and didn't have time for love. She was building her career! Getting married now would ruin everything! Besides, she didn't want to go back to Marc'harid yet. She didn't want to leave everything and wanted even less for him to find out that she'd had someone else while on Vilas Lok.

  "You said we'd see each other again," Tyrell said, desperate. "But you're dumping me, Astrid! You promised you'd come back! I lived for you all this time, I waited for you, I prepared our little house where we could meet again and... you can't do this to me, Astrid!"

  "You're right." Astrid sighed. "I'll think about it. I'm sorry, but so many things have changed... Give me more time, Tyrell. Another year, right? You will wait until I finish my course..."

  He couldn't say no to her. He held her tight and Astrid let him, trying to figure out how to hide the fact that she was uncomfortable. His touch now sent shivers of disgust down her spine. When did her teenage crush turn into... this?

  She didn't care about him anymore. She didn't want to give up her blossoming career. She'd find a way to get rid of him, like Zaphadin had forgotten Rashaun in his rise to stardom.

  "You changed, Astrid Anjali Sumirasko N'ardi, but I love you anyway," he whispered kissing her. He seemed to like her full name. Her stage name was a very short version, with only her mother's surname – Astrid N'ardi. That was the name she wanted to be known for – like Stardust Kay-low or Zaphadin – much shorter and much easier to remember. Astrid Anjali Sumirasko N'ardi was a mixed-blood girl born on Marc'harid with no Sire characteristics whatsoever. Astrid N'ardi was the beautiful actress with caramel skin and blue eyes the whole galaxy would soon discover.

  3. Twenty years old

  Time flew for Astrid N'ardi who wanted to forget her past. She didn't want to marry a childhood friend and fall back into oblivion, maybe have children and stay at home to clean their mess. She was twenty, she wanted to live.

  The heroine movie finally arrived during her last year at the school. The chance of a lifetime, a big period drama with some of the greatest names of the entertainment industry playing cameos – including Maldak, who played her Ulba'wissian mentor. She was the protagonist, and the whole movie rested on her shoulders, but she knew she could do it.

  Based on the true story of a young woman who had become commander on the field during the war with the Reptilians and had to take her starship and crew to safety during the worst part of the war, it made for the perfect epic story. Astrid even met the woman who had inspired it, now in her late eighties but still lively and eager to remember those times.

  And if the movie became the anticipated success, Astrid would have to dump Tyrell or tell him she'd never marry him.

  She found the worst way to get rid of him. She gave him her body in a hotel room, to celebrate the end of the shooting of her big break – the heroine movie. He was surprised by her initiative, but she was really horny that night and decided she had to try him before deciding if she really wanted to give up everything for him.

  "Why, Astrid?" he asked, desperate, after they'd had sex. It had been more awkward than she'd expected. "Who did you give your virginity to? Why didn't you wait for me as we promised?"

  "Because it's over, Tyrell," she answered, trying to console him. "I'm sorry, I changed too much. I'm not the right woman for you anymore. Go back to Marc'harid – or wherever you opened your business, and find a good girl. I was always envied back home, I'm sure you'll find someone ready to step in and marry you."

  "No." Tyrell moaned, hiding his face against her. "I love you!"

  But she didn't love him anymore. She couldn't handle the drama. And he wasn't even good in bed. Her teen love was dead. The last scene had been shot. In the movie and in life.

  ***

  The school year ended a month later, with a big show performed by the students of all years. The ones who had already made names for themselves, such as Astrid and Shantel, had protagonist roles. Some parents were attending – or siblings, in Shantel's case.

  After the show, Astrid and Shantel headed out of the school theater to meet Tyrell and other friends to go to the post-show party.

  And then Shantel had a message that made her pale. She rushed to a public car and Astrid ran after her, jumping in just in time.

  "Where are we going?" she asked, worried. "What happened?"

  "You shouldn't have come," Shantel muttered. "But maybe it's better if you do. Tyrell wants to die."

  "You mean he wasn't in the audience?" Astrid whispered, incredulous.

  They found Tyrell passed out in the hotel room bathtub with his wrists cut. Astrid was faster in calling an ambulance while Shantel went to hug her brother without thinking about stopping the bleeding. Astrid pulled her away gently and wrapped towels around the wounds, then the paramedics arrived.

  Astrid and Shantel followed Tyrell to the closest hospital and waited all night for the doctors to save Tyrell. Shantel tried not to cry and Astrid was exhausted.

  Zafar called them when he didn't see them at the party and Astrid told him what was going on.

  "He's dying, Zafar," she said on the verge of tears. "He doesn't want to live."

  At dawn Tyrell's heart stopped.

  "I hate you, Astrid!" Shantel screamed. "He died for you! You didn't deserve him, but he loved you and he killed himself because you dumped him! You promised him you'd be back! You promised you'd be faithful! And then you sent him packing mercilessly after he lived these years only for you! I hate you, I don't want to see you ever again!"

  Nurses had to divide them, and Shantel was sedated. She was hysterical with grief.

  Astrid crumbled. She burst out crying in the arms of Zafar who had joined them with his husband. Zafar and Rashaun took Astrid back to the apartment and stayed with her as she sniffled and tried to gather her wits.

  "What hurts the most, the loss of your best friend or Tyrell's death?" Zafar asked, frowning with worry.

  "Sh-shanty..." Astrid stammered and almost burst out crying again. Shantel's hateful words had hurt more than seeing Tyrell's pale face. She didn't love him anymore, but felt guilty also on account of Shantel's reaction. />
  Zafar hugged her. "She'll forgive you," he said. "You know how attached she was to her brother."

  "She gave him to me and I threw him away!" Astrid bawled. "I'm a heartless bitch!"

  "You're a spoiled young star, much like I was," Zafar replied soothingly. "What I want to make sure is that you haven't just lost the love of your life."

  Astrid sniffled and pondered. "No..." she whispered, eyes low. "Tyrell was... the first, but definitely not the current. And maybe he was the first because he was Shantel's brother, not because he was Tyrell." She looked at Rashaun. "Is this how you felt with Zafar? You watched him turn into a spoiled young star and bowed out of his life?"

  Rashaun nodded. "Yes. It hurt, but I wasn't really suicidal at that point. In fact I killed him on the page." He smiled briefly at Zafar. "Tyrell was much younger, though. And he really loved you. He really thought you'd live happily ever after. He couldn't accept the fact that you changed. He depended so much on you..." Rashaun shook his head. "I think it was kind of sick, actually."

  "Especially putting all your hopes on the shoulders of a young woman chasing stardom," Zafar added. "And he knew you wanted to be an actress. Although he probably thought after the first movie you'd give up. You'd keep it as a hobby or something."

  "But I changed so much since I moved here to follow my dreams!" Astrid sighed, trying to compose herself. "I've met so many new and interesting people and... it was everything I dreamed of and he... he wanted me to be a housewife! Couldn't he give up his own business to stay by my side?"

  "You need balls to stay by the side of a celebrity," Rashaun said.

  "Rashaun!" Zafar chided. "Are you saying the poor dead kid didn't have any? It takes courage to end your own life, trust me! I considered it many times, but was too cowardly to do it!"

  "Thank the goddess." Rashaun reached out and caressed his head over Astrid who was seated between them. "Although you could have overdosed on those drugs."

  "I could have, but I didn't. And cutting one's wrists takes lots of courage. He must have been desperate. He had built his dreams on Astrid, and when she failed him, he found no more reasons to hang on."

  "Why me?" Astrid whined again, her stomach in a knot. And she wanted to be a famous actress millions of Humanoids would look up to? She couldn't even handle one single "fan" dying for her... "I should quit right now," she grumbled with a lump in her throat.

  "You're upset," Zafar said, squeezing her shoulder. "Your best friend doesn't want to see you ever again and someone you know very well decided to end his life. Whatever he saw in you, it's not you. You're just you. I think you're a terrific young actress who can become a big star. But right now you need a break."

  Astrid sniffled and nodded. She felt queasy and depressed and couldn't put on a mask for the life of her.

  "Maybe I should do some kind of drama about a depressed, suicidal young woman," she muttered.

  "I think you should do a comedy to force yourself to smile," Rashaun said.

  "I think you should simply go home, Astrid," Zafar said gravely. "You need some rest. Take a break, don't think about Tyrell or Shantel. Relax. Go back to Marc'harid, I'm sure you'll find your balance again."

  ***

  And there she was, back to the palace and the gardens and whatever she'd tried to leave behind, with her twenty years that felt like a hundred. She sighed and went back to her parents' apartment in the guards' quarters.

  "Astrid! You're back!"

  Her mother hugged her and Astrid felt much better. Zafar was right, she'd find herself again at home.

  All her friends welcomed her back, without questions. They knew about Tyrell's death, but didn't comment on it. Kay-low surprised her by hugging her – an unexpected show of affection on his part.

  "I tried to warn Tyrell about you," he told her as Jay-lee stared at her without coming forward. "We know you. When we came to Vilas Lok for that soundtrack, we read your mind. When we came back, we tried to warn him he was building his dreams on someone who might not be who he thought she was, but he wouldn't listen."

  "He didn't change, and thought you wouldn't change either," Jay-lee added. "He had idealized you. He thought you'd be faithful to him like he was to you."

  "You're making me feel like a whore," she grumbled with a lump in her throat.

  Kay-low kept his hands on her shoulders and shook her. "You're not," he assured her. "You're growing and changing like I did. Your teenage crush didn't last. Not your fault. Don't blame yourself for his death."

  "As for Shantel, you know how much she loved her brother. I'm not surprised she hasn't found a boyfriend, she kept comparing every boy or man to Tyrell," Jay-lee continued. "But she also loves you, so she'll forgive you."

  Astrid sniffled and glanced at the two Sire. She hadn't realized how they'd become one, but now that she had time to talk to them, she noticed how they ended each other's arguments. How Jay-lee had made Kay-low sweeter and more sympathetic – from the grumpy rebel he'd been. Both still had long hair, but Kay-low was going back to his natural raven black, so he was temporarily half blond and half dark-haired, while Jay-lee still had his mahogany red curls, but had taken out his piercings.

  By observing them, Astrid realized what she'd had with any of her boyfriends was nothing like the love they shared. She might feel less guilty for Tyrell's death, but she greatly missed Shantel. And then David came back from Serenaide for his summer break and decided to stay on Marc'harid instead of going for another writing workshop. He didn't comment on what had happened to the Malandra siblings, but offered his silent comfort.

  "What about you, David, where are you at with your dreams?" she asked him with her new melancholy.

  "I'm doing fine, writing is a hobby for now."

  "And what about girlfriends? Or boyfriends?" she insisted. "Found anyone?"

  "Ah, no. You know, my father thought I liked men because my namesake uncle is gay, but here's the thing. I'm asexual."

  "You're what?" Astrid stared at him incredulous. If she hadn't liked sex with Kendrick so much and hadn't tried other men while on Vilas Lok, she wouldn't have thought Tyrell wasn't good in bed. She actually enjoyed sex, now that she had a taste of it. "Have you ever done it, David?"

  "Maybe once." David shrugged. "Like I said, besides being an introvert, I'm also asexual, which means I'd rather write than have sex. With anyone. I find more pleasure when writing a story or imagining things than when interacting with real people."

  "Oh. But you've tried it, right?"

  "Yes, I did try it, didn't enjoy it and don't see why I should do it. I'm aware it's an uncommon feature, especially in men, in fact my father had never heard of it, but my namesake knew exactly what I meant when I said it out loud on my second visit to him to discuss the publishing industry. They call the various sexualities QUILTBAG on Earth. The A is for Asexuals, Aromantics, Agender people... and for Allies. Unlike celibacy, which is a choice, asexuality is a sexual orientation. I don't care about sex, and I don't feel sexual attraction. I have better things to do in life than sex."

  "Oh. Maybe I should try celibacy now. I've been a bitch on Vilas Lok, and that's probably what killed Tyrell..."

  "I think he was asexual too," David said thoughtful. "And he felt safe with you. That's why he couldn't take it when he lost you."

  "That's why he didn't touch me for four years," Astrid said ruefully. "So when someone else did, I was carried away and there was no going back..."

  David nodded, serious. "Well, you're here now. I'm sure Shantel will come back too, eventually..."

  Everything seemed back to normal except for the absence of the Malandra siblings. Tyrell would never come back, of course, no matter how much she looked for him in their childhood and teens' favorite places, but apparently Shantel wasn't coming back either.

  It was a return to the past that was already future because she, Astrid, was different, more mature from the sorrow and loneliness that made her antisocial and quieter than usual. Often she went back t
o the park and the stream, under the tree where Tyrell had kissed her one day when she was fourteen to bring her love and happiness. The spot was still beautiful and quiet and she could sit there for hours, listening to those voices and memories.

  ***

  Astrid and Shantel were fourteen when Shantel's older brother Tyrell returned. He had left to follow his father in his trade as soon as he'd finished secondary school, while Shantel and her mother remained on Marc'harid.

  There was a celebration in the palace gardens when Shantel gave Astrid the news. She was very excited to have her big brother back – and earlier than expected. If he'd gone to university on another planet, he'd be away for much longer.

  "I missed him so much!" she said, beaming. Both wore flowery summer dresses – same model, different pattern to match their skin and hair tones – and their eyes skimmed the crowd of youngsters around them, as if both were looking for the returning youth.

  "I'm glad he's back too," Astrid replied, amused. She'd always liked Tyrell, the quiet and gentle older brother she could never find. Kay-low couldn't be bothered with siblings in his Sire haughtiness, and Astrid had often wished she could have the relationship Shantel had with her brother.

  "You know how hard it was for me during these four years without him!" Shantel couldn't be still in her excitement.

  "Yes, of course," Astrid said, thinking she'd missed the silent older brother too. "Does he have a girlfriend yet?"

  "I didn't ask him about that – been busy updating him on us." Shantel winked. "But I'm sure he'd have told me if he had one."

  "He's twenty now, I wonder who he's going to choose..."

  Shantel looked at her with an impish smile, then turned back to the crowd, scanning it again in search of her brother.

  "Hey, look at those two!" Shantel pointed at Laura and Kay-low who were kissing under a garland of little lights. David brooded in a corner, probably feeling abandoned.

  "Gee, she made it at last!" Astrid snorted. "She finally nailed him!"

  "Ah, love conquers all... Nothing for us, though, eh, Astrid?"

  "Who wants that?" Astrid wrinkled her nose. "Poor David, he just lost his sister to the little prince!"