Susan Clegg and Her Love Affairs

by Anne Warner

  IV

  SUSAN CLEGG AND THE OLIVE BRANCH

  It was not in reason to suppose that the return of Jathrop Lathropshould continue to occupy wholly the attention of the community. Eachweek--even each day--brought its fresh interests. Not the least excitingof the provocative elements was borne back from the metropolis to which'Liza Em'ly, that hitherto negatively regarded olive branch of theministerial family, had but recently emigrated. 'Liza Em'ly, it waswhispered one day, had written a book.

  The Sewing Society, at its next meeting, discussed it, as a matter ofcourse; and Susan Clegg, equally as a matter of course, promptlyreported the proceedings to her friend and neighbor, Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Well," she began, sitting down with the heavy thump of one who iscompletely and utterly overcome, "I give up. It's beyond me. I was tothe Sewing Society, and it's beyond them all, too. The idea of 'LizaEm'ly's writing a book! No one can see how she ever come to think as shecould write a book. No one can see where she got any ideas to put in abook. I don't know what any one thought she _would_ do when she set outfor the city to earn her own living, but there wasn't a soul in town asexpected her to do it, let alone writing a book, too. I can't seewhatever gives any one the idea of earning their living by writingbooks. Books always seem so sort of unnecessary to me, anyway--I ain'tread one myself in years. No one in this community ever does read, andthat's what makes everybody so surprised over 'Liza Em'ly, after livingamong us so long and so steady, starting up all of a sudden and doinganything like this. And what makes it all the more surprising is shenever said a word about it either--never wrote home to the family ortold a living soul. And so you can maybe imagine the shock to theminister when he got word as his own flesh and blood daughter had notonly written a book but got it all printed without consulting him. Hiswife says he was completely done up and could hardly speak for quite alittle while, and later when the newspaper clippings begin to come, hehad to go to bed and have a salt-water cloth over his eyes. I tell you,Mrs. Lathrop, the minister is a very sensitive nature; it's no lightthing to a sensitive nature to get a shock like a daughter's writing abook."

  "Is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Well, I should say that it was," said Miss Clegg. "I should say that itwas. And not only is it being advertised, but people are buying it justlike mad, the papers say. The minister is still more upset over that;seems the responsibilities of even being connected with books nowadaysis no light thing. There was that man as was shot for what he wrote ina book the other day, you know, and the minister's wife says as theminister is most nervous over what may be in the book; she says he saysvery few books as everybody is reading ought to be read, and he knowswhat he's talking about, for he's a great reader himself. Why, his wifesays he's got books hid all over the house, and she says--speakingconfidentially--as he says most of 'em he's really very sorry he'sread--after he's finished 'em. She says--he says he'll know no peacenight or day now until he's read 'Liza Em'ly's book. I guess it's nowonder that he's nervous. 'Liza Em'ly's been a handful for years, andsince she fell in love with Elijah, there's been just no managing her a_tall_. If Elijah'd loved her, of course it would have been different,but Elijah wasn't a energetic nature, and 'Liza Em'ly was, and when aenergetic nature loves a man like Elijah, there's just no knowing wherethey will end up. I never see why Elijah didn't love 'Liza Em'ly, buther grandmother's nose has always been against her, and he told mehimself as it was all he could think of when he sat quietly down tothink about her. But all that's neither here nor there, for it's a farcry from a girl's nose to her brains nowadays, thank heavens, and 'LizaEm'ly's got something to balance her now. Polly White has sent for oneof the books. She says she'll lend it around, no matter what's in it.Polly says there's one good thing in getting married, and that is itmakes you a married woman, and being a married woman lets you read allkinds of books. I guess Polly's been a great reader since she wasmarried. She's meant to get some good out of that situation, and she'sdone it. The deacon isn't so badly off, either. I wouldn't say that he'sglad he's married all the time, but I guess some of the time he don'tmind, and it's about all married people ask if only some of the timethey can feel to not be sorry. A little let-up is a great relief."

  "You--" said Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Yes, I know," said Miss Clegg, "but I pick up a good deal from others,and there's a feeling as married women have when they talk to a woman asthey suppose can't possibly know anything just 'cause she never got intoany of their troubles, as makes them show forth the truth very plainly.I won't say as married women strike me more and more as fools, for itwouldn't be kindly, but I will say as the way they revel in beingmarried and saying how hard it is, kind of strikes me as amusing. _I_wouldn't go into a store and buy a dress and then, when every one knewas I picked it out myself, keep running around telling how it didn't fitand was tearing out in all the seams--but that's about what most of thismarriage talk comes to. I do wonder what 'Liza Em'ly has said aboutmarriage in _Deacon Tooker Talks_. That's a very funny name for a book,I think myself, but that's what she's named it. And as it seems to beabout most everything, I suppose it must be about marriage, too. Ofcourse 'Liza Em'ly's so wild to marry Elijah that everybody knows thatthat was what took her up to town. She didn't want to earn her livingany more than any girl does. Nobody ever really aches to earn theirliving. But some has to, and some wants to be around with men, and thereain't no better way to be around with men nowadays than to go to workwith 'em. You have 'em all day long then, and pretty soon you have 'emall the time. 'Liza Em'ly wants to have Elijah all the time."

  "What--" began Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Oh, she says she thinks they're so congenial; she told me herself asElijah 'understood.' It seems to be a great thing to understandnowadays. It's another of those things we used to take for granted butwhich is now got new and uncommon and most remarkable. She told me whenshe and Elijah watched the sun setting together, they both understood,and she seemed to feel that that was a safe basis on which to set outfor town and start in to earn her own living. The minister didn't wanther to go. He was very much against it. It cost such a lot, too. Theminister's wife said it would have been ever so much cheaper to fix agirl to get married. You can get married with six pairs of newstockings, the minister's wife says, and it takes a whole dozen with theheels run to earn your living. The minister's wife was very confidentialwith me about it all, and 'Liza Em'ly confided considerably in me, too.They both knew I'd never tell. Every one always confides in me becausethey know I never tell. Why, the things folks in this community havetold me! Well!--But I _never_ tell. The real reason I never tell isbecause they always tell every one themselves before I can get around,but then a confiding nature is always telling its affairs, and so youcan't really blame 'em. I never tell my own affairs, because I'velearned as affairs is like love letters, and if they're interestingenough, it is very risky. But really, Mrs. Lathrop, I must be going now,and as soon as I get hold of that book, I'll be over with my opinion._Deacon Tooker Talks!_ My, but that is a funny name for a book! I can'tsee myself what kind of a book it can possibly be with that title--butanyway, we shall soon know now."

  "Yes, we--" began Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Yes, indeed," said Susan, and the seance broke up for that day.

  It was resumed the day after, and the day after that, but no furtherprogress having been made in the development of 'Liza Em'ly's affairs,that interesting topic remained in abeyance until after the next meetingof the Sewing Society, when the subject was put forward with emphasis.

  "You never hear the beat," said the lady who nearly always went to theSewing Society to the lady who hadn't been there for years; "this bookof 'Liza Em'ly's seems to be something just beyond belief. Polly read itall aloud to us to-day, and I must say it's a _most_ astonishing book. Iwill tell you in confidence, Mrs. Lathrop, as I ain't surprised that theminister hid his copy and that the newspapers is all printing thingsabout it. Seems it's a man in bed talking to his wife who is asleepmost of the time, only he don't pay the slightest attention
to her notpaying the slightest attention. Polly had the name right, it is _DeaconTooker Talks_ (which is a _most_ singular name to my order of thinking).The cover has got a picture of the deacon's head on a pillow talking,and you can think how the minister would feel over his daughter's book'scover having a pillow on it! I walked home with Mrs. Fisher, and shewill have it that 'Liza Em'ly's put her father into the book, soul andbody. There's a man called Mr. Lexicon as is a lawyer in the book, andMrs. Fisher says it's the minister. I wouldn't swear as it wasn't theminister myself, but I hate to believe it, for a girl as'll put herfather in a book would be equal to most anything, I should suppose. ButMrs. Fisher's sure it's the minister; she says she knew him right off byhis ear-muffs. Only 'Liza Em'ly has disguised the ear-muffs by callingthem overshoes. Mr. Lexicon has always got on his overshoes. Mrs.Fisher waited until we got away from all the rest, and then she showedme a review from a New York paper that just took my breath away. It saysno such book has appeared before a welcoming public in two hundred andfifty years, and she's going to write the paper and ask what the booktwo hundred and fifty years ago was about. Mrs. Fisher says she'sthinking very seriously of writing a book herself. She says she's alwayswanted to write a book, and now she thinks she'll go up to town and see'Liza Em'ly and ask her about their writing a book together. She saysshe'll furnish all the story, and 'Liza Em'ly can write the book. Thenthey'll divide the money even. And there'll be money to divide, too, for'Liza Em'ly's book is surely selling. Mrs. Macy come up after Mrs.Fisher went home, and she had a piece out of another newspaper that Mrs.Lupey sent her, saying the book was in its ninth edition already. Shehad it with her at the Sewing Society, but she didn't bring it out, outof consideration for the feelings of the minister's wife. Mrs. Macysays she thinks she'll write a book, too. She's got the same idea asMrs. Fisher about writing it with 'Liza Em'ly, only she says she'll let'Liza Em'ly use some of her own ideas mixed in with Mrs. Macy's ideas,and she can have two thirds of the money. She says it can't be hard towrite a book, or 'Liza Em'ly couldn't never have done it, but she says'Liza Em'ly has got the Fishers in her book, and she's surprised Mrs.Fisher didn't recognize 'em at the Sewing Society. 'Liza Em'ly calls 'emthe Hunters. Fishers, hunters--you see! An' John Bunyan she calls MartinLuther, an' in place of being a genius, she covered that all up bymaking him a painter. Laws, Mrs. Macy says writing a book's easy. Shesays that book of 'Liza Em'ly's is really too flat for words, and whatmakes people buy it, she can't see. Well, I shan't buy a copy, I know_that_. I ain't knowed 'Liza Em'ly all my life to go doing things likethat now."

  With which very common view as to the works produced by our intimatefriends, Miss Clegg rose to take her departure.

  "Did--?" asked Mrs. Lathrop, when they next met.

  "No--I asked, but not a soul knew. We haven't got _any_ man in town asit could _possibly_ be. They was all discussing it, too. Mrs. Macy andMrs. Fisher is really going to town to see 'Liza Em'ly and take up theirideas to talk over. Mrs. Macy is putting her ideas down on a piece ofpaper, so as to be sure she has 'em with her. Mrs. Fisher's keeping hersin her head, for she says if she lost them, anybody might write herbook. They think they'll go Tuesday. I hope they will, 'cause if theydo, they'll come straight from the train and tell me, and then I'll comestraight over and tell you."

  With which amicable arrangement Miss Clegg again took her departure.

  It was quite two weeks before affairs shaped themselves for Mrs. Macyand Mrs. Fisher to go to the city on their literary errand, but theymanaged it at last, and you may be very sure that Mrs. Lathrop peekedeagerly and earnestly out of her window many times the afternoon aftertheir journey. They came up to call upon Miss Clegg and narrate theiradventures quite according to their usual friendly ideals, and directlythey took their leave that good lady hied herself rapidly to Mrs.Lathrop to tell the tale.

  Mrs. Lathrop met her at the door and both sank into chairs immediately.

  "Well, what--" said the older lady then, and her younger friend rejoinedpromptly:

  "Perfectly dumfounding; nothing like it was ever knowed before or everwill be again."

  "Wha--?" began Mrs. Lathrop.

  "They're both completely paralyzed. Mrs. Fisher can't say a word, andMrs. Macy can't keep still."

  "Wha--?" began Mrs. Lathrop again.

  Miss Clegg drew a sharp breath. "They went to see 'Liza Em'ly, an' theysaw her. My goodness heavens, I should think they did see her. Mrs.Macy says if any one ever supposed as the Hanging Gardens of Babylon wasany wonder, they'd ought to go to the city an' see 'Liza Em'ly, and theHanging Gardens would keep their mouths shut forever after."

  "Wha--?" began Mrs. Lathrop for the third time.

  But Miss Clegg was now quite ready to discharge her full duty. "Seems'Liza Em'ly's book went into the twentieth edition yesterday," she said,opening her eyes and mouth with great expressiveness. "They knew thatbefore they got there, for you can believe Mrs. Macy or not, just as youplease, Mrs. Lathrop, but there were actually signboards saying so stuckup all along in the fields as the train went by. The train-boy had thebooks for sale on the train, too, and kept dropping 'em on top of 'emall the way, but they didn't mind that, for Mrs. Fisher read her book asfast as she could until he picked it up again, and she read to goodpurpose, for this afternoon she asked for a glass of water, and while Iwas out with her in the kitchen getting it, she told me there isn't amite of doubt but Mrs. Macy is in the book, and Doctor Carter ofMeadville is in right along with her. Mrs. Fisher says 'Liza Em'ly hascalled her Miss Grace and him Doctor Wagner of Lemonadetown, but shesays she knew 'em instantly by the description of how they was in love;she says you'd recognize how they was in love right off. I must say,Mrs. Lathrop, as I think 'Liza Em'ly ought to be very careful what shewrites about real people if you can tell 'em as quick as that; butanyway, they got to town and took a street car, and then, lo and behold,if their first little surprise wasn't the finding as 'Liza Em'ly hasstopped living where she lives and gone to live in a hotel, so they hadto go to the hotel, too, and when they got there, what do you think?--If'Liza Em'ly wasn't giving a reception to celebrate the twentiethedition!"

  "Wh--?" cried Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Yes, indeed," continued Miss Clegg, "certainly--yes, I should say so,too. If they didn't get a fine shock over 'Liza Em'ly and her hotel andher reception and the whole thing, Mrs. Macy says she'll never know whata shock is when she sees it. Seems they was shoved into one end of aelevator without so much as by your leave and out the other end beforethey'd caught their breath, and then they found themselves in a roomwith flowers all tied up in banners, and Elijah, with his hair parted inthe middle, passing cups of tea which a lady, with her muff on her head,was pouring out, while 'Liza Em'ly sat on a table swinging her feet inshoes she never bought in _this_ town, Mrs. Macy'll take her Bible oath,and a dress that trained on the floor even from the table."

  "My heavens alive!" cried Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Oh, that isn't anything," said Susan, "just you wait. Well, and so Mrs.Macy says you can maybe imagine their feelings when they found their twoperfectly respectable and well brought up selves in the middle of such akind of a party! One man and one girl was under the piano playing cat'scradle, while another man was doing a sum on the wallpaper with ahatpin. Mrs. Macy says she wouldn't have been surprised at nothing afterthat, you'd think, but she says when it comes to 'Liza Em'ly nowadays,you don't know even what you're thinkin', for you'd suppose 'Liza Em'lywould at least have looked ashamed of her feet and her train. Instead ofthat, she just clapped her hands and said, 'Hello, home-folks,' whichnearly sent Mrs. Fisher over backwards. Elijah saw them then, and _he_had the good manners to drop a teacup, but even he didn't look anywherenear as used up as in Mrs. Macy's opinion a man away from business withhis hair parted in the middle in the middle of the afternoon had oughtto look. He gave them chairs though, and they set down between a younglady as was smoking a cigarette and another as was very carefullypowdering herself in a little mirror set in her pocketbook. Just thenthere was a noise like a a
wful crash and a hailstorm, and after they'dboth jumped and Mrs. Macy come near dislocating her hip, they see thata man was beginning on the piano. Well, Mrs. Macy says _such_piano-playing her one hope is as she may be going to be sparedhereafter; she says he'd skitter up the piano with both hands, and thenhe'd bang his way back to where he belonged, and every time he hit thevery bottom, he'd give his head a flop and jerk down another lot of hairover his eyes. Mrs. Macy says she never see a man with so much loosehair where he could manage it, for he kept getting down more and moretill he looked like a cocoanut and nothing else, so help Mrs. Macy, andthen, when he was completely hid, he hit the piano four cracks andfolded his arms and was done."

  "Mercy on--!" cried Mrs. Lathrop.

  "I should say so," continued Miss Clegg, "and Mrs. Macy says everybodyclapped like mad, and then 'Liza Em'ly come to earth and went and threwher arms around his neck, which to Mrs. Macy's order of thinking, didn'tlook much like she was going to marry Elijah. And then, before theycould shake hands or say good-by or do a thing, a boy came in with alot of telegrams on a tray, and while 'Liza Em'ly was fixing half aspectacle in one eye to read 'em, a young lady dressed in snakeskins,and very little else, jumped into the room right over the backs of theirtwo chairs in a most totally unlooked-for way, and then began to spinabout and wriggle here and there and in and out generally, and Mrs.Fisher got up and said they really must go, and Elijah showed 'em to thedoor with the lady in snakeskins making figure eights around them allthree and 'Liza Em'ly throwing a rose at them and kissing her hand tillsomehow they got into the hall. They walked down flights of stairs thentill they thought there never would be a bottom anywhere, and then theylooked at each other, and after a while they got where they could speak,and then they came home."

  "Well, wha--?" began Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Me, too," said Susan, "I think it's _awful_! And the worst of it is forher to be the minister's daughter. Think of it! They bought a paper ashad her picture on it and a account of the reception as they'd just beenat. It said Herr Schnitzel Beerstein played, so they know his name now,and Madame Kalouka S-k-z-o-h danced, so when it comes to her name, theyain't much better off than they were before. Wherever they looked theysee posters of _Deacon Tooker Talks_, and people in the cars was alldiscussing the book. Two ministers is going to take it for a textto-morrow, and the candy stores has all got little candy boxes like bedswith a chocolate drop for Deacon Tooker and a gum-drop for his wife."

  "Well, wha--" began Mrs. Lathrop.

  "I don't know," said Miss Clegg. "The book's made right out of thiscommunity, and since I've read it myself, I can see who every one is_except_ Deacon Tooker. I can't see who Deacon Tooker is, for we haven'tgot anybody like him. He's talking the whole time; in fact, the book isall what he says about everything, and all his wife ever does is to wakeup when he shakes her and then go to sleep again. The idea's veryremarkable of a man laying awake chattering to himself all night long,but I never heard of any such person here. Our only deacon is DeaconWhite, and he never talks a _tall_."

  "I wonder if the min--" began Mrs. Lathrop.

  "No, I don't believe so," said Miss Clegg. "My goodness, suppose he didand hit something like they did! No, I hope he won't ever think of it,and as for 'Liza Em'ly, I hope she'll remember her married father andmother soon and remember her quiet and loving home, too, before she getsin the habit of having parties like that very often. My gracious, thinkof going to call on a girl as you see christened and having a snake-ladygartering her way up your leg while you were trying to say good-by andget away alive. Mrs. Macy says the creature was diving here andwriggling there and slipping under tables and over chairs in a way asmade your flesh go creeping right after her. Well, it's clear 'LizaEm'ly's started on a most singular career. Mrs. Macy says first theygive her a sandwich with a bow of ribbon on it, and she swallowed theribbon; and then they give her a piece out of a cake that they said hada lucky quarter in it, and she's almost sure she swallowed the quarter,so maybe she was prejudiced."

  "Well, I--" began Mrs. Lathrop.

  "They felt the same way," said Miss Clegg; "they've come home very muchused up. Mrs. Macy says you can talk to her about the days of ancientRome and the way folks act underground in Paris, but she says she knowspositively as what she and Mrs. Fisher saw with their own eyes in 'LizaEm'ly's sitting-room beat all those kind of little circuses hollow. Mrs.Macy says she's seen enough of what they call high life now to last hertill she dies of shame. She says the only bright spot in the whole thingis as 'Liza Em'ly's nose isn't anywhere near as prominent as you'd thinkany more, and she's got a automobile and is going to Europe when thebook goes into its fiftieth edition."

  "Well--I--" mused Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Yes, and I will, too," said Miss Clegg. "I'll go straight home and doit. I'm awful tired. And it bothers me more than I like to own notknowing who Deacon Tooker is. You know my nature, Mrs. Lathrop, andalthough I was never one to try to find out things nor to talk about 'emafter I've managed to find 'em out, still I never was one to like not toknow things, and I must say I do want to know who Deacon Tooker is.Well, they say all things comes to him who waits, so I think I won'tstop here any longer. Good-by, and when I do find out, you can count onmy coming right over to tell you."

  "Goo--" began Mrs. Lathrop.

  But Miss Clegg had shut the door after her.