Susan Clegg and Her Love Affairs

by Anne Warner

  IX

  SUSAN CLEGG'S PRACTICAL FRIEND

  "Mrs. Sperrit can't stand it no longer, and she's going visiting,"announced Susan Clegg to the three friends who, seated together on Mrs.Macy's piazza, had been awaiting her return from down-town. Both Mrs.Macy and Gran'ma Mullins were now back in their own houses after thetemporary absence due to the cyclone, and Mrs. Lathrop and she who mightyet be her daughter-in-law were reestablished as their paying guests.

  "Why, I never knew that Mr. Sperrit was that kind of a man," saidGran'ma Mullins, opening her eyes very wide indeed. "I wouldn't say he'shan'some, and I wouldn't say he's entertaining; but I always thoughtthey got on well together."

  "He isn't that kind of a man a _tall_," rejoined Susan, who had beenholding one hatpin in her mouth while she felt for the other, but nowfreed herself of both. "It's just that Mrs. Sperrit's sick of all thisclutter of mending up after the cyclone. She says she's nervous for thefirst time in her life and has got to have a change. She says thecarrying off of the barn and its never being heard from any more has goton her nerves somehow, even if it was only a barn. She says God forgiveher and not to mention it to you, Mrs. Macy, but she wishes every hourof her life as the cyclone had took you and left their barn, because thebarn had her sewing-machine in it, and she'd as leave be dead as bewithout that sewing-machine."

  "Where--?" mildly interpolated Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Mr. Sperrit says wherever she likes. He's been upset by the barn too,because it had his tool-chest in it, and he's such a handy man with histools that he feels for her in a way as not many women get felt for."

  "Where does--?" began Gran'ma Mullins.

  "She didn't know at first, but now she thinks she'll go and stay withher cousin. She hasn't had much to do with her cousin for years, and shesays she feels as maybe the barn was a judgment. She never got alongwell with her cousin. She says her cousin was pretty, with curls, andshe herself was freckled, with straight hair, and so it was only naturalas she always hated her. I don't feel to blame her none, for curls isvery hard on them as is born straight-haired. But there was more reasonsthan one for Mrs. Sperrit not to get along with her cousin, and she saysit never was so much the curls as it was her not being practical. Mrs.Sperrit is practical, and she's always been practical, and her cousinwasn't. They didn't speak for years and years."

  "Whatever set 'em at it again?" asked Mrs. Macy.

  "Well, Mrs. Sperrit says it come by degrees. She says she first noticedas her cousin was trying to make up about five years ago, but shethought she'd best wait and be sure. Mrs. Sperrit's practical; she don'tnever look in anywhere until she's leaped around the edge enough to knowwhat she's doing. She says her cousin named her first boy Gringer, whichis Mrs. Sperrit's family name; but then, it is the cousin's family name,too, so she didn't pay any attention to that. Then she named her firstgirl Eliza, which, as we know, is Mrs. Sperrit's own name, but seeing asit was the name of the grandmother of both of them, she didn't pay anyattention to _that_, either. Then she named the second boy Sperrit,which was a little pointed, of course; and Mrs. Sperrit says if hercousin had been practical, she would certainly have thought that theSperrits ought to have given the child something. But she wasn't anddidn't, and they didn't. Then she named the second girl Azile--which isEliza spelt backwards--and Mrs. Sperrit says it was the spelling ofEliza backwards as first showed her how awful friendly her cousin wastrying to get to be. Then, when she named the third boy Jacob, afterMr. Sperrit, and the fourth boy Bocaj--which is Jacob spelledbackwards--Mrs. Sperrit says that it was no use pretending not to see.Besides, naming the baby Bocaj just did go to her heart, particularly asthe baby wasn't very strong, anyway. So since then the Sperrits has sent'em a turkey every Thanksgiving and a quarter apiece to the childrenevery Christmas."

  "What's she named the other children?" asked Mrs. Macy with realinterest.

  "Why, there ain't no more yet. Bocaj is only six months old."

  "Oh, then they ain't sent no turkey yet!" exclaimed Mrs. Macy.

  "No, not yet, but when they begin, they'll keep it up steady. And nowMrs. Sperrit says she'll go and visit and see for herself how thingsare. She's not very hopeful of enjoying herself, for she says visiting aperson as isn't practical is most difficult. She knows, because when shetaught school, she used to board with a family as was that way. She saysshe kept the things she bought then, and she shall take 'em all to hercousin's. She says when you stay with any one as isn't practical, youmust take your own spirit-lamp, and teapot, and kettle, and tea, andmatches, and a small blanket, and pen and ink, and a box of crackers,and a sharp knife, and some blank telegrams, and a good deal ofcourt-plaster, and a teacup, and sugar if you take it, and a ball ofgood heavy string, and your own Bible, and a pillow. And never forget towear your trunk-key round your neck, even if you only go down-stairs tolook at the clock. She's got all those things left over from herschool-teaching days. She says everything always comes in handy againsome time if you're practical, and she thanks God she's practical."

  "I don't think that I should care to visit that way," said Gran'maMullins thoughtfully. "I wouldn't say I wouldn't, and I wouldn't say Icouldn't, but I don't think--"

  "She's going Tuesday," continued Susan Clegg. "Mr. Sperrit says she can,and she's going Tuesday. She's written her cousin, and her cousin'swritten her. Her cousin says they'll be too glad for words, and for herto stay till Christmas--or till Thanksgiving, anyway. Mrs. Sperrit saysshe won't do that, but she'll stay until the end of next week if she canstand her cousin's husband. She says she never had any use for hercousin's husband, because he isn't practical either, and when he wasyoung, his tie was never on straight. Mrs. Sperrit says a man that wearshis tie crooked when he's young is the kind to keep shy of later. Shesays he'll never have a pocket knife and borrow hers, and never have apencil and borrow hers. And then, too, she's almost sure as by this timehe's spoilt her cousin's temper; and visiting a cousin whose temper'sspoilt wouldn't be fun, even if she was practical. Which this oneain't."

  "If her cousin's got a sharp tongue I--" began Gran'ma Mullins in quiet,sad reminiscence.

  "She was buying some wood alcohol and a cheap spoon at Mr. Kimball's,"Susan went on. "She took me in her buggy and drove me up to look at ourhouses, which is trying feebly to climb again to where they was beforethe cyclone. But they're a sorry sight. I don't know when we're evergoing to get into them, I'm sure. I only wish Jathrop was to see howslow those carpenters can be." Then Miss Clegg's countenance assumed acoy expression, her eyes lowered bashfully, and her fingers nervouslysought to touch between the buttons of her waist some treasured objecthidden within. "I--I had a letter from him to-day."

  And at that all three listeners started in more or less violentamazement.

  "What!" cried Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Nothing that I can tell any one," said Susan serenely. "So it's no useasking me another word about it."

  Mrs. Sperrit left on Tuesday precisely and practically as she hadplanned; but she returned very much sooner than she had expected.

  "And no wonder," declared Susan, just back from the Sewing Society, toMrs. Lathrop, who never went. "I should say it was no wonder. Well, Mrs.Sperrit has had an experience, and I guess no lost barn will ever leadher into looking up no more cousins after this."

  "She's so worn-looking," said Gran'ma Mullins, who had returned withSusan. "I wouldn't say white, and I wouldn't say worried, but I call itpeaked."

  "Why, she's been through enough to make a book," said Mrs. Macy, who hadcome in with the others, "--a book like _The Jungle_, as makes you rightdown sick in spots."

  "Oh, _The Jungle_ isn't so bad," said Susan. "If it was, Roosevelt wouldhave straightened it out soon enough when he was in it himself. Butwhat's awful about Mrs. Sperrit is what she has suffered, for that womancertainly has suffered. She's a lesson once for all as to visiting. Noone as hears her is ever going lightly visiting after this. She lost hertrunk-key as soon as she landed in the house, and she says she was tootook up to miss it for thre
e days, which shows what kind of a time shehad. Why, her cousin went right to bed as soon as she got there, becauseshe said as she knowed that Mrs. Sperrit was practical and could doeverything better than she could. So that was a nice beginning to beginwith. Well, she says such a house you never see. The chickens come intothe dining-room, and they was raising mud turtles in the bathtub, andcaterpillars in the cake-box. The children was awful right from thestart. She slept in the room with two of them, and they woke her upmornings playing shave with the ends of her braids. She found out asthey dipped 'em first in the water pitcher and then in the tooth powderto make it like lather."

  "My heavens alive!" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Then Jacob, who's only two and a half, ate mashed potatoes with hisfingers, which is a thing, Mrs. Sperrit says, as must be seen to bebelieved, and they all just swum in jam from dawn to dark. She says shenever see such children, anyway. Whenever anybody sat down, they'd playshe was the Alps, and go back and forth over her wherever they could geta purchase. And she says--would you believe it?--her cousin is got to beso calm that it drives you out of your senses only to see the way shetakes things. Mrs. Sperrit says all she can say is as when a woman asisn't practical does go to bed, she's resigned to that degree that youwish you could blow her up with dynamite if only to see her move quickjust once."

  "Why didn't she come home?" asked Mrs. Macy. "My view would be as I'dcome home. I said so to her to-day."

  "She did come home, didn't she?" said Miss Clegg. "You heard her, andyou know she's home. It's Mrs. Lathrop as all this is new to, isn't it?Well, Mrs. Lathrop, it would go to your heart to hear what happened toall those little conveniences as she took. There wasn't no sharp knifein the house but hers, so she never see hers after she unpacked it.There wasn't no string or court-plaster either, so they disappearedtoo. Then they run out of tea the minute they see she brought some, andnot being practical, her cousin's teapot naturally didn't have no nose,so she lost her teapot, too. The whole family took her hairbrush andused it for a clothes brush, and she thinks for a shoe brush when shewas down-town. Her cousin wore her stockings and her collars, and hercousin's husband slept on the pillow with the blanket folded around him.Not being practical, he liked his feet free."

  "Well, I nev--!" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Mrs. Sperrit said by the third day she had to begin to do something, soshe asked if she could clean her own room, and her cousin said she wasgoing to let her make herself happy in her own way and just to go aheadand clean the whole house if she liked. So she went to work and cleanedthe whole house, and she says such a house she never dreamed couldexist. She found families of mice, and families of swallows, andfamilies of moths. She found things as had been lost for years, andthey was wild with delight to see 'em again. She found things as, shesays, she wouldn't like to say she found, because when all's said anddone a cousin is still a cousin, but she says--Good lands, what shefound! Well, she says when she got the house cleaned, her cousin wasstill in bed, so she took heart of grace and asked if she might teachthe children to mind. Her cousin said she didn't care, so Mrs. Sperritwent to work on those six children. Well, she says that was a job, andit was that as led to her coming away like she did. She says thechildren was the very worst children anybody ever saw. She says shetaught school, and she thought she knew children, but anything likethose children nobody--even those as is chock full of things not fit toeat--could ever by any possibility of dreamed of. Why, she says they wasused to heating the poker and jabbing one another with it when mad; andwhile you was leaning down to tie your shoe, they'd snatch your chairaway from behind you, and such games. But Mrs. Sperrit is practical,and she believes in her Bible, and she thought as how the Lord haddelivered them into her hands and set to work. She said she begun bywashing them all--for they was always slippery from jam. And then shecut their nails very short and started in. Well, she says it was somework, for they was so funny she could hardly keep from laughing. Shesays they're mighty bright children--she must say that for 'em, althoughit don't soften her feelings a mite towards 'em. Well, she says youcouldn't do nothing a _tall_ with 'em. But she didn't lose courage. Whenshe talked serious, they took it as a great joke, and she had to stopfor meals so often that it used her all up; for she says such steadyeating she never see. She says the meals was most terrible, too, as theyalways had herring, and of course the bones made so much picking thatthe children kept telling her she ate with her fingers, herself. Shesays that was the most awful part, the way they talked back. But shedidn't despair. She kept washing them out of the jam and taking a freshcut at their nails, until finally come the last hour of wrath. And then,she says, they did make her mad--good and mad."

  "But what did--?" began Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Well, seems the worst child was 'Zile. Of course, Mrs. Sperrit, havingtaught school, thought they'd pronounce it like Azalea, and make a realpretty name out of Eliza spelt backwards, but seems they dropped the Aand just called her 'Zile to rhyme with file; and Mrs. Sperrit says sherhymed with file all right."

  "Go on, Susan," urged Mrs. Macy.

  "Well, the cousin and the husband was invited to go on a all-dayexcursion, so the cousin got up and dressed and went. She said she mightas well, seeing as Mrs. Sperrit was there with the children. When theywas gone, Mrs. Sperrit made up her mind as now was her chance to bringthose children to time, once and for all. So she rolled up her sleevesand give 'em all a good bath--for she says the way they'd get freshlyjammed was most astonishing--and then she went up-stairs to get herscissors to cut their nails. She was opening her trunk to get out thescissors when she heard a click. Well, when she run to the door, what doyou suppose? She found they'd locked her in.

  "Well, maybe you can imagine her feelings! She says she was never so madin all her life. She called through the door, but not a sound. There wasa crack big enough to put your hand through under the door, and shetried to look through it, but it wasn't high enough to put your eye to.Then she heard a shout and run to the window. There they all was, out onthe grass in front,--all but Bocaj, who was asleep in his cradledown-stairs. Well, such doings! She says 'Zile, who was always full ofideas, was just outstripping herself in ideas this time. They had a oldpair of scissors, and first they went to work for half an hour cuttingeach other's hair. She says you can maybe think of her feelings in theupper window, left in charge of 'em, with full permission to whip 'emif necessary, and having to sit and watch 'em trim each other anywaythe notion hit 'em. She says tying a man to a tree while cannibals eatup his family is the only thing as would express it a _tall_. After theygot done cutting hair, they went in and got a pot of jam and brought itout and sat down in full sight and eat jam with their fingers till therewas no more jam. She says she'd stopped calling things to 'em by thattime and was just sitting quietly in the window, thanking God for everyminute as they stayed where she could see what they was doing. But whenthey had finished the jam, they went in the house and was so deathlyquiet she was scared to fits. She thought maybe they was setting fire tosomething. But after a while they begun to bang on the piano, and whenshe was half crazy over the noise, she looked towards the door, andthere was the key poked under. She made a jump for the key, and it wasjerked back by a piece of string. And her own string at that. Then shewas called to the window by Gringer yelling, and while she was tryingto hear what he had to say--the piano jangling worse than ever--theyopened the door suddenly and bundled Bocaj into the room and then lockedthe door again.

  "The baby was just woke up and hungry, and it was a pretty kettle offish. She says she made up her mind then and there to quit that houseand adopt Bocaj. She says she saw as there was no use trying to reformthe rest; but Bocaj was so little and helpless, and nothing in her heartmade her feel as he couldn't be raised to be practical. She went to workand fed him crackers soaked in boiling water while she packed her trunk.And when her cousin came home, she was sitting with her bonnet on readyto go. Her cousin just naturally felt awful. She wanted to call it ajoke; but Mrs. Sperrit is a woman whose fee
lings isn't lightly took invain. She left, and she took Bocaj with her. She telegraphed Mr.Sperrit, and he met her at the train. He was some disappointed becausehe'd forgotten about the baby's name and thought from reading it in thetelegraph that she was bringing back a monkey. Seems Mr. Sperrit hasalways wanted a monkey, and she wouldn't have one. But now she says hecan have a monkey or anything else, if he'll only stay practical. Shesays she doesn't believe she could ever live with any one as wasn'tpractical, after this experience."

  Susan paused, Mrs. Macy and Gran'ma Mullins rose to go to their kitchensand get suppers for their guests. When they had gone, Susan, having Mrs.Lathrop alone, eased a troubled conscience.

  "Oh, Mrs. Lathrop," she confided, "do you remember me saying the otherevening I'd had a letter from Jathrop?"

  Mrs. Lathrop suddenly stopped rocking. "Yes--yes, Susan," she answeredeagerly. "I--"

  "Well, I didn't have one. It was just as everybody in this community hasgot their minds fixed on Jathrop's being wild about me, so I felt tomention a letter, and I shall go on mentioning getting a letter fromhim whenever the spirit moves me."

  "Why, Susan--!" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop.

  "It doesn't hurt him a _tall_," said Susan Clegg with calm decision,"and it saves me from being asked questions. And you know as well as Ido, Mrs. Lathrop, that I can have him if I want him."

  Mrs. Lathrop sat open-mouthed, dumb.

  "If I don't have him, it'll be because I don't want him," added MissClegg with dignity. "So it's no use your saying one other word, Mrs.Lathrop."

  And Mrs. Lathrop, thus adjured, refrained from further speech.