Brush Strokes

by E S Karlquist

  It doesn’t matter that he’s been trying to tell himself otherwise—he misses Evan. He has been for a while.

  Closing the lid to his laptop, Todd scrolls through the contacts on his phone instead of searching, just to buy himself a bit more time. He hovers his thumb over Evan’s name before he puts one earbud in his ear and presses the CALL button.

  His heart is racing. He’s about to cancel on the seventh ring, when he hears, “Todd?”

  Todd tries to find his voice. It takes a couple of attempts, and he panics. “Yes,” he manages finally.

  There’s a sound on the other end that he can’t place and then, barely more than a whisper, “You called me back.”

  “Yeah.” He clears his throat, trying to ignore the lump in his throat. “Yeah, I did.”

  Evan breathes on the other end. It sounds unsteady and strained.

  “Are you crying?” Todd whispers.

  There’s another sound, high-pitched, so, yeah, Evan’s definitely crying.

  “Why are you crying?” he asks, trying to make his voice as soft as Daniel’s was earlier.

  “I’m just really happy,” Evan says eventually, voice wavering, “that you called.”

  That’s all it takes to make Todd’s tears roll too.

  Evan’s happy that he called.

  It takes a long, long while before they’re able to actually talk to each other. For almost half an hour, Evan starts sobbing as soon as Todd tries to say anything, and Todd’s heart swings between feather-light and aching.

  “How are you?” Todd wipes his face with the hem of his T-shirt. His cheeks are stiff; the skin is dry from crying, but it doesn’t matter right now.

  “I’m okay,” Evan tells him. “Better now. I’ve been trying to get to talk to you for so long.”

  “I know.” Todd blinks at the ceiling, taking in the familiar sound of Evan’s voice. It’s as if they spoke just yesterday, because he knows it so well. The only difference is the slight change in his accent.

  “I didn’t think you wanted to talk to me.”

  Taking a breath, Todd decides to be honest. “I didn’t.”

  “I can understand that.”

  “It would’ve been better if I had told you instead of shutting you off.” He’s known this all along, but whenever he gets hurt, it’s as if the grayscale disappears from his brain and everything is just black and white.

  “I’m not sure I would’ve gotten it if you had. It took me almost six months to realize that we weren’t talking anymore. I was too busy with everything else.”

  Evan’s voice is as easy to read as Todd’s face. It always gives him away and right now it’s so full of shame and regret that Todd’s stomach aches.

  “I was really angry and hurt.”

  Evan takes a slow breath on the other end. “You have every right to be.”

  “I might be willing to consider forgiving you.”

  “That’s all I ask for.” Evan clears his throat, and Todd hears someone else’s voice on the other end.

  “Is this a bad time?”

  “I’m at work, but I don’t care.” Evan has never said that, so Todd decides to believe him.

  “It’s okay, we can talk later.”

  “Don’t worry about it. They can do without me the last hour before I get off.”

  “I mean it. You can call me when you’re home, all right?”

  Someone speaks on the other end again, and Evan pauses. “Promise to pick up?”

  “Pinky swear.”

  “I’ll call you in two hours tops, okay?”

  “Yes. Go.”

  When Evan hangs up, Todd stares at his phone. Evan was happy that he called. The realization makes his stomach contract so hard that he has to hunch over. Evan has missed him.

  The next two hours are a strange mix of emotions. At first, Todd can’t wait to talk to Evan again—they have a lot of catching up to do. Then, the doubts start. What if Evan doesn’t call? He’s made promises before and never kept them. When there’s forty minutes left of Evan’s two-hour window, Todd’s convinced that this was their only phone call for the coming year and a half as well.

  Five minutes before the two-hour mark is up, Todd’s phone rings. He lets out his breath in a rush when the display lights up with Evan’s name.

  “Hello?” he answers.

  “Hi.” Evan’s voice is quieter than Todd remembers it, but his relief is obvious. “Are you free to talk?”

  “Yeah, I’m just home doing nothing.” Todd scoops up Sandwich from the floor and places her on the bed before he sits down himself. He might need some emotional support for this. “Are you home?”

  “Just got to my apartment. The traffic was crazy.”

  “Was it bad?”

  “There was an accident, so I had to take another route.” Evan pauses, and Todd reaches out for Sandwich. “I wasn’t sure you were going to pick up.”

  “I wasn’t sure that you’d even call,” Todd replies.

  Evan takes a breath. It’s a bit noisy through the phone, as if he’s holding it too close to his mouth. “I want to apologize for how I’ve behaved, for making you promises and then not keeping them and saying things about the choices you’ve made.”

  “You really hurt me,” Todd whispers, and then the words tumble out of his mouth. “Especially when I was going to come see you. I was in the line to check in and everything, and then I had to leave, and everyone saw. I felt like a freaking idiot for crying in an airport and having to get a cab. The driver asked me where I’d been, and I had to lie, because I couldn’t tell him that I hadn’t been anywhere.”

  “Todd.” Evan’s voice cracks over his name. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Yeah, you really should be.” Sandwich nips at his thumb. “But I’m sorry too. I should’ve talked to you instead of just shutting you out. It wasn’t fair, either.”

  “In your defense, I’m not sure I would’ve wanted to talk to me about it either,” Evan says. “I got a big head and it took me a while to get it out of my ass.”

  Todd snorts. “You’ve always had a big head.”

  “It was worse than usual there for a while.” It sounds as if there’s more to that story, and Todd is way too curious to let it go.

  “What happened?”

  “I almost got fired and had to get my shit together.”

  “You almost got fired?” Todd echoes, just to be sure. Evan almost getting fired sounds like a really terrible lie that no one would believe.

  “Imagine that, huh?”

  “I’m having difficulty, honestly. You’re the last person I could ever see getting fired.”

  “That’s what happens when you get a big head for no reason.” Evan clears his throat. “I was lucky, because I got a second chance and had to realize that I can learn a lot from other people.”

  Todd hums. He doesn’t have words that can describe his thoughts, so that’s all he’s got.

  “So,” Evan says after a longer pause. “What’s up with you?”

  Where to start? “I have a whole bunch of weird things going on right now.”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know where to begin.” Todd lets Sandwich go when she struggles in his grip. He decides to go for the quick summary option. “I still have my job at the gallery that I really like, but I found out a while back that it’s not doing that great financially and we’re having problems finding artists that will attract a younger crowd.”

  “I see. And then what?”

  “Well, then I went to this party with Mela and I met this dude, his name is Daniel, and we got along really well.”

  “Did you go home with him?”

  “No,” Todd sputters. As if he’s ever going to talk to Evan about that anyway. “Shut up; let me finish.”

  Evan chuckles. “Fin
e.”

  Todd explains Daniel wanting the gallery’s space for his club, and how Todd lied to postpone dealing with the situation. “I felt so bad when he found out, and then we had to meet several times anyway, because Mela is dating his friend Jesse.”

  “So you’re talking now?”

  “Yeah,” Todd says slowly. “I think we’re sort of friends. I stayed at his place last week when we went out in Manhattan, and he stayed over last night.”

  Evan whistles, and Todd really wants to hang up on him. Evan’s been hanging out with jocks and popular kids too much all his life.

  “Shut up. It’s not like that. We’re friends.”

  “Is that what you keep telling yourselves?”

  “We are. I was a dick to him and I’m just really happy that he even wants to be friends with me.” Todd looks at Sandwich where she’s sniffing at his feet. “He’s really great.”

  “Tell me more about him.”

  Todd clears his throat to get rid of the weird fluttering in his chest. “He’s a jock. I mean, super-jock. He’s on the swim team and he’s really great, which he’s very aware of. He goes to Columbia and he wants to go to Harvard Law when he’s done this year.”

  “Wow,” Evan commends. “Ambitious guy.”

  “Yeah, but he’s also down to earth in a weird way. Like, he’s cocky at times, because he knows that he’s good, and I’m pretty sure he knows that he’s hot too. But he’s really cool and, even though he wants the gallery’s space, he helped me out with some business ideas that I really like.” Todd chews his bottom lip. “And he’s hard of hearing, so I’ve been trying to learn some ASL, but it’s really difficult.”

  “Have you used an app?” Evan asks, and it’s the last thing Todd expected him to say.

  “I have two, but I keep forgetting everything the moment I close them.”

  “Maybe you can try the same thing you did in high school?” Evan suggests. “Putting notes on everything? Or make flashcards?”

  Todd can’t believe he hasn’t thought of that himself.

  “I think there are cards you can buy too,” Evan continues. “We got some for the office, when we had an intern who’s hard of hearing. I think the cards are for kids, but you can learn basic vocabulary, which might help.”

  Todd makes a mental note for himself as he looks at Sandwich, who’s lying against his thigh. He really wants to make it easier for Daniel to be around him and to do his part for their friendship. However, Evan and Dad are equally nosy, and Todd doesn’t want to say too much, so he switches the subject. “Are you coming home for Christmas?”

  “I might,” Evan says. “I’ll see if I can get some time off. I can’t make any promises, though.”

  It should be disappointing, but Todd is relieved. “No promises” means that Evan can’t break them.

  “If you want…” Evan begins and then hesitates. “If you want, I can check with some of my contacts about having their art in your gallery.”

  “Exhibiting,” Todd corrects as his heartbeat picks up.

  “Yes, that. I’ve met a few artists through work events and I can make a few calls if you want me to?”

  His pride says no, says that he doesn’t need Evan’s help when he’s been distant for such a long time. Especially not since he’s been criticizing Todd’s love for art since the dawn of time. However, the rational part of his brain says yes, because he needs all the help he can get. He can’t be picky.

  “Can I think about it?” he asks, knowing all too well a quick answer is going to give him anxiety in a few hours, no matter what answer he gives.

  “Sure. Call me or text me when you’ve decided.”

  They talk about TV shows and YouTube videos, until Dad knocks on Todd’s door to let him know dinner is ready. Evan promises to call within the next couple of weeks. Todd wishes that the spark behind his ribs didn’t ignite so easily, but he wants Evan to be true to his word.

  “Was it that friend of yours?” Dad asks him, as he hands Todd a full plate.

  “No, it was Evan.”

  Both Mom and Dad pause, and it’s as though there’s no sound and no time passing.

  “You talked to Evan?” Mom asks finally.

  “Yeah.” Todd clears his throat and pushes his rice around on the plate. “I figured it was about time.”

  “Oh, honey,” Mom whispers, and there are tears in her eyes. She looks as if she’s going to come around the table to hug him, but before Todd can stop her, Dad has wrapped him into a crushing embrace that’s hurting his ribs. And he’s five years old again, hugged by them both, as Mom wraps an arm around his back and kisses his cheek.

  Todd clutches his fork convulsively and blinks until his vision clears. Mom can’t stop saying oh, honey, and Dad doesn’t say anything, but the way his hands tremble as he lets Todd go says everything.

  “Did you know he almost got fired?” Todd blurts, overwhelmed by the urge to put the focus elsewhere.

  * * *

  Between classes and work, Todd creates flashcards and notes he can put on furniture. Most of the signs requires several… steps, so he’s putting a lot of mini squares on the cards, with arrows. Mostly they work as a reminder to practice the signs, and he uses the app when he doesn’t remember how to do them. Mom raises her eyebrows when she finds him taping a card on the fridge next to the shopping list.

  “What’s going on?” Her eyebrows climb even higher as she squints at the card. “Why are you learning ASL?”

  “It’s for a friend. I want to be able to communicate better,” Todd explains and points at the stack of cards he’s placed on the kitchen table.

  Mom looks at him. “Give me half, and I’ll help you put them up.”

  They tape cards everywhere. Todd assumes that she explains to Dad, because he doesn’t ask Todd about them.

  He uses the flashcards to learn the basic words and the app for simple phrases and repeats whatever word he comes across in the apartment.

  He’s cleaning the front desk at work when he’s interrupted by a text from Daniel.

  > Having Jesse and Mela over on Friday. Do you want to come?

  Todd suspects that it’s not just Mela and Jesse that Daniel will have over, but who sends the entire guest list in a text anyway?

  < Sure :) That sounds fun

  > Naturally you’re welcome to stay over if you don’t have anywhere else to sleep.

  Todd doesn’t ask Mela about sleeping over. She would probably say yes, but staying over at Daniel’s was fine then and it’s not going to be worse this time. They’re a little more comfortable around each other now.

  < That makes things a lot easier. Thank you!

  Dad gives him an all too knowing look when Todd tells his parents that he’s going to be in Manhattan Friday to Saturday. Todd doesn’t call him out on it, since Mom seems oblivious and he really doesn’t want them both asking him questions.

  Daniel meets him at the subway station. He looks casual in fall jacket and dark jeans, and the damp look of his hair tells Todd that it’s started to rain during his train ride.

  “Hey,” he says when he stops in front of Daniel. “Thanks for meeting me.”

  With a smile, Daniel nods toward the nearest exit. “It’s no problem. I don’t expect you to find the way by yourself yet.”

  Yet.

  “My phone has a GPS, and there are a whole bunch of map apps.”

  “Come again?”

  “I have a GPS and map apps on my phone.” Todd holds it up for emphasis.

  “Remind me of that next time, so I won’t have to suffer an involuntary outdoor shower.”

  “Well, you’re about to have another.” Todd laughs when Daniel bumps his shoulder as they start walking.

  It’s a short walk, and Todd is grateful for that, since it’s in silence. He’s also grateful for his beanie, bec
ause the rain would completely mess up his hair.

  Daniel’s house is quiet.

  “Where’s your family?” Todd asks, after removing his shoes and jacket and tapping Daniel’s shoulder for his attention.

  “My parents are away, and Ava is at our grandma’s.”

  “Didn’t you want to go?”

  “I can’t. I have extra practice on Sunday that I can’t miss.” Daniel shrugs as if it doesn’t really matter to him.

  “Does your grandma live close by?”

  Daniel smiles at that and takes him to the kitchen. It seems to be their first stop, whenever Todd’s here. “Occasionally. She’s usually in Germany, but she’s got a place in D.C. too.”

  Todd’s just about to ask about Germany when his gaze locks on the family photo on the wall. When he was here before, it seemed too personal to look too closely at the family photos. It hits him now that he knows the two people behind Daniel and Ava, and he doesn’t know how he didn’t recognize them at the gallery.

  The man, Daniel’s dad, is Mark Berger, former football star and now his Dad’s favorite television sports commentator. Daniel’s mom is Elizabeth Berger, whose face is on at least two cookbooks and whose name is on a whole bunch of kitchenware in Todd’s home. He doesn’t know what boggles his mind more: that these people are Daniel’s parents or that they’re married.

  “Oh, my god,” he says to himself and then turns to Daniel, who’s watching him with interest. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  He remembers Daniel’s reaction when Todd asked if his mom was an interior designer, as if he wasn’t sure if Todd was joking. That makes a lot more sense now.

  “Tell you what?” Daniel asks, stepping closer.

  “That these people are your parents.”

  “To be fair, sometimes I’m not entirely sure myself.”

  Todd glares at him. “It’s not funny. I feel like an idiot.”