by Nikki Rose
That set him off. Anthony’s muscles turned to taut bands and he exploded. I rode out the intense pleasure as the waves rippled through me.
Anthony finally pulled out of me and lowered my feet to the floor. With a gentle touch, he lifted my face to his and placed a sweet kiss on my lips. “I love you, Rachel.”
“I love you too.”
He held me in his arms for several minutes. Slowly, we took turns bathing each other. The water turned cold and we finished. Anthony dried me off first, wrapping me in a fluffy, pale blue towel, and I admired his body as he dried himself.
“Enjoying the view?” He smirked at me as he hung the towel on a hook.
“Absolutely,” I teased back, gawking unapologetically at his impressive physique.
Anthony assured me that he could sleep on the flight over. I knew I’d be tired the next day, but there was no way I was going to sleep when I could be spending the last few hours he was there with him. We stayed up wrapped in each other’s arms.
At three, we said our goodbyes, which were harder than I’d expected. I wanted to cry. I wanted to beg him to stay. But I just hugged and kissed him.
“Promise me you’ll be safe.” I held him tight.
“I promise.”
“Promise me you’ll come back to me.”
“Always. Rach, I’ve been doing this for years. It’s gonna be okay, but I have to go. I’m gonna be late. And late is not an option with these things.”
I kissed him deeply and he held me tight before we both pulled back.
Anthony left the apartment, then I rushed to the balcony. I caught him just as he was getting into a dark SUV and waved one last time. He smiled and waved back, but something felt so wrong. I didn’t know how I’d handle being without him after all that had happened recently. Unease settled into the pit of my stomach as I watched him ride away in the pale light of the streetlamps.
After Anthony left, I couldn’t go to sleep, no matter how much I tried. It was too early to call or text Sarah, and my mind wouldn’t focus well enough to study, so I just lay in bed and watched TV. I got up early and cooked a big pancake breakfast with bacon and fresh fruit before I picked out Belle’s clothes and woke her up.
We ate together before Em called to let me know she was downstairs waiting to drive Belle to school whenever she was ready.
Once I was alone in the apartment, I crawled under the covers and hugged Anthony’s pillow, which smelled like him. Before I knew it, I’d fallen into a deep sleep.
* * * *
Belle and I fell into a pretty regular routine over the next few days. I tried to keep us busy when she was home. While she was at school, I studied for the big test.
On the second day, Anthony had been able to call and talk to me and Belle for a few minutes, but the service was terrible. He said he would try to call back soon, but if everything went as planned, he would be back by Sunday night.
Belle and I cooked a special meal on Sunday, but we never heard from Anthony. I knew his return date had been a rough estimate, but I hated that he wasn’t back already.
A couple of days after when Anthony should have been home, my dad came over for dinner. Belle loved helping me in the kitchen and was always extra-excited when we were cooking for company. It was a welcome distraction from Anthony’s lack of communication. We decided on a Mexican theme. Just for fun, Belle and I hung up streamers in green, white and red and I used my laptop to print off a Mexican flag that Belle colored and taped to the wall. We even found some fun, Mexican-style music to set the tone. With Anthony gone, it was clear I had way too much time on my hands.
“Welcome to Mexico,” I enthusiastically greeted my dad as Belle and I answered the door.
My dad laughed as I ushered him in. “Hi, honey. Wow, you girls went all out tonight.”
“Just a little atmosphere for dinner.” I grinned and hugged him. “How are you doing, Dad?”
“I’m good. Work’s been pretty crazy lately. They keep me busy.”
“I’m glad you were able to come over for dinner.” I turned to Belle. “Why don’t you go get that thing you’ve been working on?” I tilted my head toward her room and she gave a knowing grin before running off. I waited until she was gone before continuing talking to my dad. “The distraction is good for both me and Belle.”
“Still no word?”
“Not since Wednesday.” I poured our drinks and sat with him.
“I’m sure he’s busy taking care of things so he can hurry back. I know the waiting is hard, but just hang in there.”
“I am. I just hate not knowing.”
“You got that from me.” He chuckled and Belle ran back to us.
“Is it time to eat? We cooked tacos and I made this for you.” She handed him a picture of three stick people with a Mexican flag, swirly lines and tacos. “It’s us!”
My dad examined the picture as if it were a precious work of art in a museum. It was so sweet and yet, at the same time, I couldn’t help the tiny prickle of sadness that there weren’t more times he’d shown me such appreciation.
“I’m going to grab dinner.” I hurried into the kitchen to get the plates. I wished I could have had moments like that with him instead of always feeling like nothing I did was good enough. I was grateful for our renewed relationship, all the same.
I took a moment to myself and was just gathering the tacos when my dad came in.
“I thought you might need some help carrying everything.”
“Thanks, Dad. If you want to grab the rice and beans…? I was going to come back for them.”
“Sure,” My dad gently took my arm to stop me. “What’s wrong? Is it about Anthony?”
“No, it’s just… It’s silly. The way you were looking at Belle’s drawing…” As I tried to say the words out loud, they felt even more petty than they had in my mind.
“I’m sorry I didn’t show you how proud I was of you when you were little. I regret that to this day.”
“It’s fine, really.”
“No, it’s not. I see the hurt in your eyes and I need you to know that if I could go back and do it differently, I would. I’m very proud of the amazing woman you’ve become. I know I can’t make up for lost time, but I want to try.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“What do you say we get this food to the table? It smells so good. I can’t wait to taste it.”
“Belle’s probably wondering what’s keeping us.”
We walked back to the table and I served dinner.
“Your test is only two weeks away now, right?”
“Yeah,” I said nervously over my glass.
“You’ll do fine. You’re smart and you know this stuff. And, if you need any help, let me know.”
“I’ll be okay. Though, if you wanted to take Belle out for an afternoon so I could hit the library to study, that would help. I can use all the time I can get.”
“Oh, I’ve been meaning to get out to the park. What do you say, squirt? Me, you and the swing set this Saturday?” He ruffled Belle’s hair and she grinned up at him.
“Can we get hotdogs and ice cream again?”
“Again?” I looked at my dad, who smiled guiltily.
“We might have splurged on ice cream and hot dogs when we went out last time.”
I fought to keep the stern look set on my face but I failed miserably, making even myself chuckle.
After dinner, the three of us played Uno, one of our favorites, before Belle’s bedtime. My dad helped clean up from dinner while she had her bath and I got her to bed.
“She finally asleep?” my dad said from the couch as I walked back in.
“Yeah, it’s a little more work when Anthony’s not home.”
“This is really hard on you, isn’t it?” He patted the cushion beside him and I sat.
“It is. I just miss him so much when he’s gone. I feel like there’s a missing piece—as cheesy as that sounds.”
“No, I get it. Honey, are you going to be happy
like this? Alone while he’s working?”
“It’s hard when he’s away, but I love him. I can’t imagine ever being happier with anyone else. The happiness outweighs the times I have to be away from him.”
“Have you thought about asking him to consider a job that would let him stay home more?”
I shook my head. “As much as I’d love that, his job is part of what makes him who he is. He has a loyalty to the agency and the men he serves with. It’s part of what I love about him, even as it’s the thing I most hate.”
“You have grown into an incredibly smart and strong woman, and I feel like I missed it.”
“You helped me become strong.”
“Not in the way I meant to. It took almost losing you to make me realize I didn’t really know you the way I should have. It took that jackass Ian telling me off to make me see how I was treating you.”
“Dad…”
“At least that was one good thing that man brought to our lives.”
I hugged him tight. “I love you, Dad.”
“I love you too, honey. It’s getting pretty late. You and Belle gonna be okay here alone?”
“Yeah, we’re good.”
“Try not to stress too much over those tests. You’ll do just fine.”
“Thanks. Have a good night and drive safely.” I got up and walked him to the door.
I found that as long as I stayed busy, I didn’t miss Anthony quite as much. But that night, after my dad left, the apartment seemed even more empty. Missing him made my heart physically ache. The pain was excruciating.
By Wednesday with no word from Anthony, my anxiety was in high gear. I called Ryan but couldn’t get in touch with him. He was probably on the mission with Anthony. I broke down and called the director, which meant waiting through all the transfers to get to him.
“Graham.”
“Hi, Director Graham. It’s Rachel.”
“Hello, Rachel, what can I do for you?”
“Anthony said he would be back in a week. It’s been over that now and I haven’t heard from him since Wednesday. I know you can’t give me details but…is everything okay with his mission?”
I overheard a sigh that sent an uneasy feeling coursing through me.
“What? What is it?” I gripped the phone, willing him to answer me.
Director Graham cleared his throat.
“What is it?” I insisted.
“Anthony’s unit went off-grid Thursday morning.”
“Off-grid?”
“We lost communication with them.”
“You mean they’re missing?”
“It’s a possibility, but I’m confident that they’re safe and will reestablish communication soon.”
“Anthony is missing and you’re just sitting around hoping that he’ll get back in touch with you? This isn’t a freaking date where you hope they’ll call. Anthony could be in danger, or hurt, or—”
“Ms. Dae, you aren’t doing anyone any good getting all worked.”
“All worked up? You haven’t seen me all worked up. I want you doing everything you can to find him, and I want to know where this mission was taking place.”
“You know I can’t divulge that information to you.”
I let out a frustrated breath. “I want to hear the minute you know anything about him or his team.”
“Of course, Ms. Dae.” Director Graham was too calm. It made me want to scream. Instead, I gave a quick thanks and ended the call. I didn’t need him withholding information because he was angry with me
That night with Belle was so hard. I tried to act normal so she wouldn’t worry, but I was worried sick. I called Sarah and she came over with a bottle of wine and a carton of ice cream as soon as she could, which was about an hour after Belle had gone to bed.
Chapter Five
Rachel
Three weeks. It had been three weeks without Anthony. Each day I went to bed without him had been worse than the last. It was lying there in that big empty bed each night, staring up into the darkness when my worst fears crept into my mind.
What if he never comes back? What if this is what my life will be? Alone, without Anthony, after we finally gave in to the feelings we’d kept secret for so long.
Tears streamed down my face and angry sobs ripped through my chest as I clung to his pillow. His smell had finally faded away, only adding to my distress.
Tomorrow morning was my LSATs and I was terrified. The last time I’d taken them was right after my mom had died. Now, I was worried that Anthony was missing and I might never see him again. How could I take my test while I was so worried? Anthony would want me to do it anyway. I tried to focus on that—on how I’d tell Anthony I did it, even while he was missing. I imagined how proud he’d be that I’d faced my fear of failure and taken the test again.
I finally dozed off to sleep sometime in the early morning hours before the sky began to turn. The loud shrill of my phone pulled me from a dreamless sleep. Who would be calling before my alarm even went off? I reached for the phone without even opening my eyes.
“Hello?”
“Ms. Dae?” Dante’s voice sounded concerned.
“Dante? Is everything all right?” I rubbed my eyes and tried to shake the fog from my head.
“Yes, ma’am. I was just calling to let you know Em and I are here to pick up you and Belle.”
“So early?” I glanced at my clock and realized I’d slept right through my alarm. “Shit.” I jumped out of bed and darted into Belle’s room. She was still sound asleep. “Belle, sweetie, wake up. I overslept and we’re running late.”
Belle was slow to wake up, so I gave her a few minutes while I grabbed her clothes. “Dante, I overslept. Can you ask Em to come upstairs and help me get Belle ready for school so I can get myself together?”
“Yes, ma’am.” There was some muttering on the other end before he addressed me again. “Em and I will be right up.”
“Thanks.”
I hung up and hurried to make sure Belle was awake. “We are going to have to eat breakfast on the way today. Go ahead and throw your clothes on while I get ready. Em’s on her way up.”
“Okay,” She spoke so calmly and sweetly as I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off.
Soon there was a knock on the door and I rushed to open it.
“Hey, Dante, Em. I can’t believe I overslept. Belle’s getting dressed in her room. I have to go change.” I practically ran to the bathroom before Dante had even shut the front door. I threw on my clothes, not even bothering with a shower or makeup. My hairbrush somehow eluded me, so I was forced to improvise, running my fingers through my hair before throwing it into a messy bun.
I bolted out of the bathroom and hurried into the kitchen. “No time for coffee this morning. Do you mind running by the coffee shop on the way?”
“Not at all, Ms. Dae,” Dante said as he watched me rush toward the entryway.
I motioned for Belle to follow me. “Got breakfast?” She held up a Pop-Tart. “Good. Let’s get your jacket on.”
“Let me help with that, Ms. Dae,” Em said, taking the jacket from me and handing me a granola bar.
“Thanks.” I threw on my jacket and grabbed my purse while Em put on Belle’s backpack and I hurried us all out into the hallway.
“Ms. Dae?” Dante said with an amused smirk, but I was in too big of a hurry to find anything amusing.
“Yes?” I said with slight annoyance.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” He tilted his head down and I followed his gaze to my bare feet as I stood outside the apartment to lock the door.
“Shoot. Okay, Em, you and Belle go on. Have a good day, sweetie.” I leaned down and hugged Belle before shooing them on.
“Good luck on your test.” Belle grinned at me and waved as Em hurried her into the elevator.
I dashed back inside and ran to my bedroom with Dante on my heels. I rummaged through my sock drawer, nearly falling as I attempted to put them on leaning a
gainst my dresser. Dante darted from the doorway and managed to catch me.
“I know you’re in a hurry, but you may want to sit down to put those on so you don’t hurt yourself. Anthony would kill me if you got hurt on my watch.”
“Good point.”
“I’m going to go get the elevator while you finish up.”
“Thank you.” I sat down on the edge of the bed to put on socks and shoes before finally leaving.
Dante had the elevator door waiting for me when I ran out of the apartment, almost forgetting to lock the door. It was the longest elevator ride in history as we descended.
“Does this elevator seem slower than usual? It seems slower to me.”
“It’s going as fast as always, Ms. Dae. May I suggest you take a few minutes to breathe? There’s nothing you can do to go any faster, so just try to take the time to relax.”
I took a few deep breaths—the first came forced, but they soon came more easily. Traffic was terrible on the way, but I took Dante’s advice from the elevator again. I couldn’t do anything to hurry along the traffic, so I closed my eyes and breathed.
The line at the coffee place wasn’t too bad, which helped make up for lost time. I rushed into my testing room a little frazzled, but on time.
“All right, if you will all take your seats, the test will begin in five minutes,” the instructor announced and I plopped down in the closest seat available. I looked around at all the people there early, studying before the test. A few were chatting, looking relaxed and confident, the way I wished I felt.
“First time?” A guy with a bright smile leaned over to me and whispered.
“Second… You?” I smiled but felt a little short on words after my sprint to get there.
“My third.”
“I’m sorry. You seem so calm. Aren’t you nervous that you won’t pass again?”
“I passed. I’m just trying to raise my score to help my chances of getting into a good law school. You seem nervous. Just try to breathe and remind yourself that you have done all you can to prepare for today.”
“You sound just like Dante.” I chuckled.
“Dante? That your boyfriend?”
