Barbarian King
Page 19
primordial man for a moment. The EidRay of this dimension looked more honest, smarter and more manlike than his counterpart in the other dimension to him. This cave dweller was a stark contrast to that wimpy-sounding, bespeckled politician what with his black unibrow, broad chest and powerful tanned limbs.
“Not now, maybe later...” but, only if I get buzzed enough, BamaOay observed inwardly.
“Oh goody, we make bam bam later!”
Overall the primitive female was not as arousing a figure as IllaryHay, but she would do in a pinch. She, after all, had a few of the same endearing, fawning qualities of some of the groupies back home; those who were also missing a tooth, or two and were largely unbathed and unshaven just like the French he so admired. Try as he might, however, the President’s eyes kept being uncontrollably drawn back to that tall Amazonian figure and that round, huge ass.
Ba-dOnk-a-dOnk...
Squint-eyed and tight-lipped, IllaryHay looked as if she was having enough of B.O.’s hands all over her at each one of his insolent attempts to gleefully point out how she was giving him a woody using grunts, sign language, and mating calls.
It was a wild land through which they strode, rose-colored ponds, a handful of small, grassy knolls amid towering, granite peaks with snow capped pinnacles. As the trees grew denser the land grew rosier.
The morning had come and gone; the midday sun had burned the last of a hanging forest mist from the landscape. By late afternoon there was a growing chill in the air, the tops of the woods stirred in a stiffening wind and the tops of the mountain peaks melted away as billowy clouds began to grow in the skies.
BamaOay noticed that up ahead something unusual was beginning to come into view.
His little entourage soon arrived at the ruins of a once magnificent stone wall now a shambles of masonry that had long ago collapsed after being battered by untold storms over the eons. Like Hadrian’s Wall, and unbeknownst to the President or IllaryHay, this palisade represented a mystical boundary between a territory thought to be haunted and the lands these lowbrows called “Home.” Beyond this wall is where all the primitive tribes flourished in shadowy seclusion, in cobbled together stone and bark-thatched huts where hung the grinning skulls of every conceivable beast and fowl, within walled enclosures where fires flickered and drums constantly beat.
With some difficulty the little party picked its way through the rubble-strewn construction and out onto the other side. Just beyond the barrier the lava rock path forked off in two directions. The group could either go right, marked by a sort of human skull on a stick, or they could go left, also marked by something resembling a human skull on a stick...but with missing teeth, low forehead and unibrow. BamaOay noticed one other odd thing about those signposts, the skull with missing teeth had a much more ape-like appearance to it, while the other looked almost normal to him.
Something else would happen beyond the wall: the two foreigners would soon discover that their speech, again, had returned to the more primitive. The wall was an unseen demarkation line between the primordial and the really primordial.
Unbeknownst to each their brain waves were beginning to become more sluggish, becoming less and less pronounced and further spaced apart and was a condition that was likely to increase the longer they traipsed into this unchartered dimension. They appeared to be turning into the same sort of beings as the three stooges: Pile Driver, Stinker and B.O. Thing is they were were helpless to turn back, it was as if they were being magically drawn further into the unknown. They could not stop themselves from traveling down that invisible evolutionary ladder. A new and growing anticipation that some new adventure lay ahead was drawing both further and farther into this world’s primordial realm.
Stinker, B.O., Pile Driver did not hesitate starting down the path with the ape-like skull with missing teeth and protruding forehead and naturally the President wanted to know why.
“Wait second!”
“What wrong?” asked IllaryHay.
“Surely we want right fork, right?” he pointed at the same time to insure his question was understood.
The Troglodytes sprang back as if struck by a bolt of lightning when they saw he was suggesting they all take the right fork. They faced their fearless leader stung by the suggestion, bewildered and obviously full of fright.
“No...no B’jackass. No that way,” pleaded Stinker.
“People go missing that way, Master,” whimpered B.O.
BamaOay eyed both hairballs piercingly. Both squirmed and shuffled on their feet under his magnificent gaze.
Pile Driver drew closer to him. “No one ever go that way B’jackass. No us kind that way, disappear."
“Disappear, wait! Why me talking like halfwit, again?”
“Oh, you do...you do sound ignorant again,” IllaryHay mused with her normal flummoxed demeanor.
“You like ignorant, too,” responded the President. “You not hear how dumb you sound?”
Something had indeed happened to the pair of travelers.
“Earth Mother, you right! No longer speak complete sentences. Shit!”
“You think we disappear down other way?” asked IllaryHay, returning to the subject of which fork to take.
“Me not sure, me find out,” answered BamaOay.
"Pile Driver, why want take path with monkey skull on stick?"
She shook her head with a questioning look, “Monkey skull, what monkey skull?”
“Monkey skull there,” he said pointing to the skull with missing teeth marking the left-handed track.
“No, that us.” Pile Driver responded, then pointed to the image on the head of his women’s golf club. “That our symbol,” she added, the two other stooges nodding in agreement. “Not know monkey, know Jackass and Jackass good...that way,” pointing toward the righthand path, “that way bad...die.”
He turned to IllaryHay saying, “I think we get somewhere now." Turning back to the primordial woman he added, “Why not tell me whole tale?"
With a worried look Pile Driver replied, "We like not to talk of Master. We only take that,” pointing to the dangerous track, “when we many in number...” She hesitated for a moment then added, “...and need barbecue. We...” pointing to the other two stooges, “...afraid when see you want go down bad, bad place. We beg not go that way.”
"Me not scared!" exclaimed the President sharply, irritation in his voice; "...what it that threaten me that way?”
"B’jackass," said Pile Driver, dropping her voice and drawing closer, "Me not know. Go that way, go bye bye.”
“Ridiculous!” ejaculated the beefcake; “Me no frightened.”
“But Master, home this way. We be home in two sunlights."
“Two sunlights? Piley, don’t you mean two days?”
“Days? Not know days. Sunlight mean dark, then light. Sunlights mean dark, then light, then dark, then...”
“This be get’n stupider by second,” exclaimed IllaryHay with an upset look upon her mug. “Of course that primitive bitch means days...are you that dense BamaOay? Look you primitive, know-nothing whore...me want know just one thing, barbecue that way?” IllaryHay pointed to the pathway marked by the toothless monkey skull.
Pile Driver and the other two stooges all nodded in agreement.
“That settles it, we go dat way,” announced IllaryHay. “You want go that way,” she glanced at the President and nodded in the direction of the path to scariness, “You go ahead.”
“No, me just curious is all.” Turning to the female stooge he added, “Okay Piley, I’m ready...we follow.”
“Good, settlement this way,” added Stinker in a now clearly articulated, near perfect diction both the President and IllaryHay clearly understood. Both looked at each other aghast. The primitive man had just made perfect sense; he was no longer talking in gibberish! They could now clearly and easily understand what all three Stooges were now saying!
Piles!
They were obliged to camp out
that night under a large tree in the woods for there was no shelter near. The trees made a good thick covering to protect them from the dew and the hairy, fur-clad primitives went out gathering wood and built a splendid fire that warmed them and made them feel less lonely.
"Hungry?" asked Pile Driver adding, "I can go catch dinner.”
“That sounds good, Piley,” responded the President.
“Piley? Who is Piley?” asked Pile Driver.
“I’ve decided to call you Piley instead of Pile Driver.”
“Piley sounds funny.”
“Oh, you’ll get used to it. Give it a couple of days...I mean sunlights.”
“Okay, Master.”
“I will go get dinner now. We can either roast it on the fire...or eat raw. Dinner tastes good either way.”
"God don't, please don't eat anything raw in front of me," begged IllaryHay. "I know it will make me hurl.”
Pile Driver carried on anyway ignoring IllaryHay when she got the President’s nod of approval. “Raw is really good, you just have to make sure to clean out the guts.”
“Shit, I think I’m going to throw up!”
“Piley, get going...we’re all really hungry.”
“Yes, Master.” She struck off into the dark forest.
B.O. too went out foraging and found a tree of acorns. Missing pockets he filled his mouth on several trips like a basket, so that he too would please B’jackass. These were very kind and thoughtful actions of the primitives, save for Stinker who just laid around scratching like a cur, while staring up at the stars laughing heartily on