Before I Saw You

by Emily Houghton

  ‘Let’s give it a day at least, and then I’ll start asking questions.’

  His friends didn’t look satisfied by Alfie’s proposal, but he knew this would be a waiting game. A test of patience. Something Alfie found incredibly difficult, but something he knew he’d have to get good at quickly.

  ‘One step is a step closer …’ he muttered to himself.

  9

  Alice

  ‘Who’s in that bed, Mum?’

  Alice woke lazily from her sleep to see the shadow of a little figure standing outside her bay.

  ‘What, sweetie?’ A voice from the other end of the room drifted past.

  ‘Next to Alfie. The curtains are closed. Is someone in there?’

  Then the girl started to raise her hand. Alice saw the tiny pearl fingertips grip the material that was keeping her hidden and safe. Everything was moving in slow motion. How on earth was she going to get this girl away? Should she scream? She wasn’t sure her voice could take it, but she had to do something.

  ‘Ruby! No!’ one of the nurses barked. The girl dropped the curtain immediately. ‘Sorry, honey, I didn’t mean to shout. It’s just there’s someone behind there that doesn’t want visitors today.’

  Alice could see another silhouette steering Ruby away. Beads of sweat had appeared on her forehead and her heart was thumping in her chest.

  ‘But who doesn’t want visitors?’ The surprise in Ruby’s voice made Alice’s heart sink. ‘Everybody wants friends, don’t they?’

  ‘Yes, of course they do. Just not right now. Come over here and show your mum how good you are at Snakes and Ladders, OK?’

  Alice watched as the silhouettes faded away but the little girl’s question rang loudly in her ears.

  It was her third day on the ward, and Alice realized that the ‘lie back and let the days pass you by’ plan she’d wanted to adopt wasn’t going to be as easy to execute as she’d hoped. In fact, from the very first morning she could see the outline of other patients strolling past her curtains, subtly lingering in the hope they might snatch a look at her. Failing any sightings, the whispers had started, and she’d definitely heard more than a couple of ‘have you seen her yets’ float past. Clearly this wasn’t a ward where you could keep yourself to yourself. Most of the time she managed to ignore it, relying on her old friend sleep to take her out and away from the ward, but sometimes, if the shape of someone lingered a little too long, or stood a little too close to her curtain, her heart rate would spike and anxiety would begin to course through her veins. This, however, had been the closest call yet, and Alice’s breath had barely steadied before she heard the sound of someone else approaching.

  ‘Alice, dear, I’m coming in if that’s OK?’ Nurse Angles’ face was already poking through the curtain before she’d finished talking. She knew it wasn’t going to be good news by the way the nurse hung tentatively at the foot of her bed, quite the opposite of her normal brash entrance.

  ‘I know we discussed the importance of physio the other day, and I also know how intimidating being up and about in front of the other patients is for you. So we’ve made a compromise. This is only temporary – just while you build your confidence up – and it’s important you understand that. We can’t do this for ever, OK?’

  Alice wasn’t quite sure what she was agreeing to yet, so she didn’t dare make any movement of acknowledgement.

  ‘When you have your sessions, we’ll ask everyone on the ward to remain in their bays with the curtains closed while we transport you to the female lounge, which we’ve managed to reserve for an hour. It will be just you, the physio and a couple of the nurses, OK?’

  Relief and fear swirled in her stomach.

  ‘We have to get you up and moving, Alice. There’s no room for negotiation about that part.’ Her face was stern. ‘We start now.’

  Tears filled her eyes and she shook her head in resignation. Why? Why were they making her do this? Hadn’t she been through enough?

  Nurse Angles placed her hand gently on her feet. ‘I know this is hard for you, honey, but I cannot let you rot away in this bed for ever. The sooner we start, the quicker it’s over with.’

  Alice didn’t even look up; she could hear the nurses outside the curtain waiting for the green light from Nurse Angles. She was being moved whether she liked it or not.

  On any other day, the sight of a wheelchair being presented to her would have caused Alice to revolt. Right now, however, she had much bigger concerns. The dissatisfied moans from her fellow patients barely registered with her. The nurses flocking to her bedside, waiting and watching, did nothing to anger her. All Alice could think about was Nurse Angles’ hand on the curtain, ready to pull it back.

  ‘Everyone’s in bed and all curtains are closed,’ the young nurse reported dutifully. If this weren’t happening to Alice right now, she would probably enjoy the absurdity of the situation. A military operation just for her. Because she was too bloody stubborn and too goddam scared of her own face to get out of bed.

  ‘Right, Alice, can you swing your legs over the edge of the bed and we can help lower you into the chair?’

  What if she said no? If she refused to move, what was the worst that could happen? Were they really going to force her out of bed? Judging by the look on Nurse Angles’ face, she knew she didn’t want the answer to that question.

  Alice shifted ever so slightly to sit up taller. Slowly she began to slide her right leg across the bed and down. She didn’t know what all the fuss was about; sure, it felt a bit stiff, but she was fine. Then came the left leg. The first attempt at movement set her nerves alight. The wound coverings shifted across her skin, sending shivers down her spine. How had she become so weak?

  ‘Try to use your arms, honey.’ Nurse Angles was watching her with such intensity it hurt to look.

  Alice planted her hands down either side of her hips. Her face had tightened in concentration and she could feel the frown lines digging deep into her forehead.

  Come on, just lift yourself up.

  Alice pushed down as hard as she could but immediately felt her arms give way.

  She sensed the room hold its breath.

  ‘Do you mind if I help you?’ Nurse Angles stepped forward cautiously. What else could she do? Hang off the side of the bed until she practically fell on to the floor? The humiliation of it burnt a hole inside her chest. What had she become? This accident had taken more than just her looks; it had sucked every last drop of pride and strength she had left. The shame of it was too much to bear. Reluctantly Alice nodded her head.

  ‘OK, sweetie. I’m going to really gently move this leg, OK? Just squeeze my arm if I’m hurting you.’

  Slowly and ever so gently, Nurse Angles lifted her left leg up and round. It felt so foreign to be held like this. Sadness and repulsion collided, making her head swim with nausea.

  Let it be over, please God, let it be over.

  ‘Wonderful, you’re doing amazingly. Now, I’m going to ask you to shift your weight on to me and I’m going to lower you into the chair, OK?’

  It was like being a child again. Helpless, useless, and entirely dependent on someone else. The ordeal made Alice want to rip herself apart and scream until the entire hospital felt her pain, but instead she surrendered, falling limply into Nurse Angles’ arms and allowing herself to be carried into the chair.

  ‘Perfect. Now, let’s wheel you out quickly and get you to Darren.’ Her calm controlled voice was the only anchor keeping Alice from losing it. ‘Sally, open the curtains, please.’

  And just like that, she was rolled out into the big wide world of the ward.

  10

  Alfie

  Alfie had tried not to listen to the sounds of the scene next door, but it was impossible not to. He winced listening to the encouragement of Nurse Angles, remembering all too well how it felt to struggle to hold yourself upright. The unbelievable amount of strength it took to move even an inch. How demoralizing it was to be carried like a defenceless
infant. Alfie knew how any scrap of pride or ego could be shattered overnight, as in the blink of an eye your survival was placed in the hands of a team of strangers.

  Guilt and – as much as he was loath to admit it – pity started to rise up inside him. How unfair they’d all been. Sharon had been wrong. His neighbour hadn’t demanded anything; this had all come from Nurse Angles as a ploy to help her. He vowed to put the record straight and tell Sharon as soon as he could.

  The sound of the wheelchair being rolled back across the floor to her bay was the signal they’d all been waiting for. An hour later the session had finished. It was over. But no one dared move an inch until Nurse Angles had spoken.

  ‘Right, everyone, you’re free to get up.’ Nurse Angles’ voice rang out over the ward.

  ‘About bloody time too!’ Mr Peterson groaned loudly.

  ‘Until next time you herd us all back in like cattle again!’ Sharon barked.

  ‘How long are we going to have to do this for, nurse? I’ll make sure I’ve got snacks next time.’ Jackie smirked.

  ‘Every other week, until I say otherwise. So you’d better get the food supplies sorted sharpish.’

  Disgruntled mumblings and restless shuffling rippled down the ward, but despite the green light no one moved. Curtains remained firmly closed and the patients stayed dutifully in their beds. Whether it was out of lethargy or protest Alfie couldn’t be sure; all he knew was that even his trusted puzzles couldn’t distract him. No matter how hard he tried, his thoughts kept wandering back to her. When he’d heard her being wheeled through the ward, an overwhelming urge to take a look had come over him. All he’d have to do was take a small peek through his curtains. All he wanted was a glimpse of the person at the centre of the whole charade. Who was this woman? How badly was she hurt? Even to see the back of her head would have given him some kind of satisfaction, but he knew better. All eyes would be on red alert for any peeping Toms, and Alfie didn’t fancy being called out as the rule breaker in front of everyone. Plus, curiosity was no excuse for disrespect.

  Taking a deep breath, he hauled himself up, reaching this time for his crutches over the dreaded prosthesis. After walking, his stump would often be sore and sensitive, so he’d allow himself a few moments to take a break. Even though the confinement had ceased, he still felt nervous about leaving his bay. An old childish fear of being told off lingered over him.

  ‘Mother A, have you got a minute?’ Alfie approached the nurses’ station cautiously.

  ‘Of course.’ She looked flustered and a bit out of sorts.

  ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘What do you mean, what’s going on?’ Her eyebrows began to knit themselves together in the centre of her forehead.

  ‘With the lady in bed thirteen.’

  Nurse Angles stopped her filing and turned to face him square on. ‘I told you she was traumatized, Alfie. Before she’d even got here I warned you.’

  ‘I know, but I guess I didn’t realize quite how badly. Surely this “shut everyone away until she finally ventures out into the big wide world” debacle can’t go on for ever.’

  ‘Really, Alfie? I’m surprised! I thought you of all people would be up for helping her come out of her shell.’

  ‘I am. I just don’t quite understand why she’s getting all this special treatment.’ He loathed how childish and spoilt he sounded.

  ‘It’s not your job to understand, Alfie. But if you really want to know, the poor girl hasn’t spoken a word since she got here, and to top it off she hasn’t had a single visitor either. Her emergency contact is all the way in Australia apparently, and nobody can get hold of her. There’s no one else, OK, Alfie. No one. So if it’s all right with you, we’ve taken the decision to give her some extra support.’

  Nurse Angles had never spoken to him like this before. Her eyes were wide in defiance and her breathing had grown heavy. She looked like she was readying herself for a battle that not even Alfie was foolish enough to fight. The shame started to swell up into his chest.

  ‘No one has been to see her?’ The words were only just starting to sink in.

  ‘I shouldn’t have told you that. Sorry, I forgot myself for a second.’ She shook her head in frustration. ‘It’s just … she needs our help, and I’m trying to do the best I can.’

  The exasperation in her voice hit him the hardest. The indestructible Mother A suddenly seemed so helpless and lost.

  ‘Trust me, if anyone is going to help her it’s you. She’s the luckiest person to have landed in your care, and I promise I’ll do whatever I can to support.’ He felt relief flood back into his body as he saw the smile return to her face.

  ‘Thank you, Alfie. Now get on your way. I’m sure you’ve got better things to do than accompany me round the ward.’

  ‘Oh yeah, you know me, too busy for my own good! The choice of activities in this place is just endless.’

  ‘Behave yourself, will you, and go! I’ve got work to do,’ she said shooing him away.

  As he made his way back to his bay, he stared at the closed curtains of bed thirteen. The guilt bubbled up inside him, thick and heavy as tar, coating his chest and stomach.

  ‘Who are you?’ he whispered.

  All he got in response was her silence.

  11

  Alice

  Within an hour she was back in the safe confines of her bay. It had been an emotionally and physically exhausting sixty minutes, and Alice felt as broken as the day she’d woken up from her accident. Every muscle ached, but none more so than her heart. How would she ever be able to do this again, let alone every other week as the doctors had ordered?

  ‘You did great today, Alice. The first one is always going to be the hardest, but give it time. It will get easier, I promise,’ Nurse Angles cooed as she tucked her back into bed.

  Alice closed her eyes and let the weight of her head hit the pillow.

  ‘If you need anything, you know where I am. Just buzz me, OK?’

  The only thing Alice needed was to be alone. To try and erase that shameful hour of her life from her mind and pretend nothing had ever happened. If she’d thought the journey to physio was mortifying, then the actual act of doing it was on a whole other level. Trying to stand unassisted was impossible. Moving further than three inches was a no go. How had she regressed to this? Any ounce of ego she may have had left had been officially squashed. Any self-respect or dignity she’d clung on to had been firmly ripped out of her grasp. She’d become so weak, so fragile. All that remained of her was an empty shell, ready to be blown over by the lightest breeze. Every time she moved, the entire left side of her body would protest. The skin would pull at the seams, and at any moment Alice was certain she’d tear apart. It was as though someone was rubbing her down with razor blades, peeling away layers of her until she was reduced to nothing.

  Luckily the rest of the day passed like clockwork. It turned out that this ward followed a very similar routine to the one she’d come from. In fact, practically everything about the place was the same. As she was being wheeled across to physio, she’d been able to take her first proper look at the space in daylight. There were the same beige walls, the same plastic furniture, the same harsh strip lighting. There were the same eight beds, four on either side of the room, each separated by the same blue cloth curtains that offered as much privacy as a piece of paper. Every room was a near perfect replica of the one next to it, all designed with the sole intention of being sterile and inoffensive. Unfortunately there was nothing inoffensive about the smell that lingered. It was a heady mix of human effluence and bleach, as though someone was desperately trying to clean away the sweat, blood and tears that exuded from the inhabitants. It turned out grief, fear and death weren’t easy to remove. Thankfully sleep came quickly that night, gathering her up in its arms and taking her away from the reality of her day. In her dreams she could slot easily back into her old life, with her functioning limbs and smooth unblemished skin. For those few hours Alice could be fre
e at last.

  *

  ‘Cornflakes for breakfast again this morning. The most boring cereal on the planet.’

  Alice stirred, roused by a voice coming from the bed next to her. It was soft and almost gentle, just loud enough for her to hear. There was lightness to its tone, a boyish mischief that sang of careless days and freedom. Maybe she was still dreaming – surely no one could feel anything but despair in a place like this.

  ‘Who on this entire earth actually enjoys eating cornflakes? I get that they are a classic staple of the cereal population, but I’d like to meet one person who would actually choose them for breakfast.’

  Alice, fully awake now, shifted in bed. Surely he wasn’t talking to her?

  ‘Out of all the sugar-coated carbohydrates you could select for breakfast, why would you pick cornflakes? I just don’t get it. Do you know what I mean, neighbour?’

  Oh God, he’s talking to me …

  ‘Maybe we’ll be lucky and they’ll surprise us with Coco Pops tomorrow. God, I used to love those. The kids at school go wild for them. Actually, they go wild for anything smothered in chocolate.’

  Please stop. For both our sakes, stop talking.

  ‘Look at me, talking at you without even introducing myself. I’m Alfie.’

  Hi Alfie, guess what? I don’t care.

  ‘On behalf of everyone here, I’d just like to say welcome to the Moira Gladstone ward! We do hope you have a pleasant stay here. Just some admin before you settle in: to your right are the female washrooms and to your left are the male. Please don’t get them confused, otherwise you’ll probably experience a whole new level of trauma. Entertainment will vary throughout your stay, but you’ll see that as part of your deluxe room you have your very own television set. Unfortunately Sky isn’t included, but I find Channel 5 has a surprisingly good selection of documentaries in the afternoons.’

  He just about paused for breath.