Before I Saw You

by Emily Houghton

  ‘Honestly, it’s fine. She was your friend first, I get it.’ Alfie’s voice was a little more forceful now. ‘Did she have a good send-off?’

  ‘Yeah, it was all right, she had a good time I think.’ Matty was the one to speak first.

  ‘Good, that’s all that matters.’

  ‘The thing is—’ Alex started.

  ‘You were missed, everyone said so.’ Matty cut him off.

  ‘Matty, don’t be a prick. Go on, Alex … the thing is—?’ The force in Alfie’s voice was making even Alice feel nervous about what was to follow.

  ‘Well, the thing is, Lucy was asking after you. Quite a lot actually.’ The more words he used, the braver he seemed to get. ‘She asked me to pass on a message to you. She asked me to tell you she was’ – the tiniest pause of self-doubt – ‘she was sorry.’

  The way he delivered this last sentence was as though he was relieving himself of a great weight. The awkwardness was palpable.

  ‘She said what?’ Alfie’s voice grew even louder. Alice couldn’t help but wince for his friends on the receiving end of his sudden anger.

  ‘She said … she was sorry,’ Alex stated again.

  ‘She’s sorry?’

  ‘Yeah, you know, for everything that happened.’

  ‘Well, me too, mate, me fucking too.’

  Alice felt an odd mix of intrigue and guilt. There was such resentment in Alfie’s voice that it made her feel ashamed to be listening, but her curiosity had been piqued and she wanted to know more.

  ‘Anyway, what’s going on with you, Alex? Bagged yourself any more disastrous dates lately?’ Alfie still sounded wary, but everyone seemed to breathe a sigh of relief at the change in conversation.

  ‘Tell him about that one the other night, Al. The one where you made a fool of yourself.’ Matty began to laugh.

  ‘Oh Jesus, please don’t make me relive that …’

  Unfortunately, Alice would have to wait for another time to hear more about this Lucy, but for the rest of the day she couldn’t stop thinking about her. She reckoned her boredom must have reached brand-new heights, and it didn’t help that her neighbour had fallen into a deathly silence that even Alice would have been proud of. Something must have happened between this Lucy girl and Alfie. She’d never heard him react like that before. Who was she? Were they together? Did she break his heart? Did he break hers? Stories and scenarios grew in her mind until she was so close to just asking him outright. Thankfully, the familiar voice of reason stopped her. But she was left with an even more disturbing question …

  Why do I care?

  22

  Alfie

  At the time, Alfie had told everyone he was fine that his long-term girlfriend had left him. He empathized with the fact that she was ‘having a hard time coming to terms with everything after the accident’. He understood that waking up to a one-legged boyfriend who needed significant care probably wasn’t on the wish list when it came to a life partner, but not once did she ask how he was feeling or what he needed. It was as though she’d totally forgotten that he was the one who’d been in the accident; he was the one who had to endure the hours of physical therapy and rehabilitation exercises, just so he could walk himself to the toilet. Just like that, three years of a relationship were thrown away, and he was the one left grieving more than just the loss of his limb.

  He was angry with himself for even asking about the party. Often he was angry that he’d even let Alex set him up with her. Angry that she was friends with his friends and that, at the time, that had seemed such a perfect reason to welcome her into his world and his heart. Angry he’d stepped over barriers to love her. Angry he went and got his leg amputated. Angry he wasn’t the man she wanted him to be. Angry he repulsed her. And more than that, angry he was left to deal with it all on his own.

  He knew he couldn’t be mad at Alex for passing on the message. The stupid idiot probably thought he was doing the right thing, that in some way hearing those words would dissolve all the heartache and resentment that had built up after the split. It had obviously taken a few moments for Alex to realize that it didn’t mend anything. Nothing was fixed. In fact, it just brought everything right back to the surface again.

  Alfie had found it within himself to bring the conversation back to something a little more light-hearted, but he was too tired to pretend for long. Matty knew him well enough to sense that after a few more embarrassing stories from Alex, it was time to go, and with that, they left Alfie alone to his thoughts.

  For the rest of the afternoon all he could do was stare blankly at the TV. He didn’t want to sleep, despite his body begging him to; he knew the dreams would come and he had nothing left to fight them right now. He didn’t want to talk and have to erase the despair from his voice for the sake of others around him. No. Today he would just lie here and be. Everyone on the ward would be able to feel the shift in him. Normally this would bother him and he would find a way to snap himself out of it. But this time he let them stew in it. A part of him almost enjoyed them knowing he wasn’t coming to save them today with jokes. They couldn’t always depend on him for fun. He didn’t want anyone to depend on him ever again. He was in the midst of a black cloud and he wasn’t coming out any time soon.

  As the ward around him started to slow down and everyone tucked themselves in for the night, Alfie’s anger began to rage. He’d felt it gradually building in the pit of his stomach all day, growing in intensity, clawing at his insides, desperate for freedom. He’d had to use every ounce of strength to keep it under control but now, as everyone around him slipped peacefully into sleep, it came alive. He could feel it rushing up through his chest and searing his throat. It had to come out. He had to let it free before it ripped him apart.

  ‘AAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!’ he screamed into his pillow. He buried his head deeper and let the noise scorch the fabric. His fists were balled so tightly he wanted to tear the cushion apart and reduce it to scraps. He wanted something to feel as broken as he did. Riding that wave of destruction, he threw the pillow as hard as he could.

  Then the tears came. Hot and thick and furious. He had nothing to muffle the noise, as his only defence lay flat and lifeless on the floor in front of him. Suddenly he started to laugh louder and louder, until it was bursting out of him uncontrollably.

  You’ve gone and thrown your toys out of the pram, and you can’t even get them back without help, you one-legged prick.

  The irony was too much.

  Then he heard something. Something that stopped his hysterical moment in its tracks. Of course he was going to wake someone up with all the noise he was making, but out of everyone on the ward he really, really didn’t want it to be her.

  Just as he was about to open his mouth and form some sort of apology, he heard something land by the side of his bed. When he looked down he saw, just within reaching distance, a pillow pushed under the gap between the curtain and the floor.

  ‘Just in case you had some more screaming to do.’ Her voice was gentle and just loud enough for him to hear.

  ‘Thanks. I kind of shot myself in my only foot by throwing mine, didn’t I?’

  ‘Yeah. I was going to get it for you, but then I realized I don’t like you that much.’

  ‘But you like me enough to give me your only pillow? And to talk to me again!’

  Aha. He’d got her.

  ‘Don’t get too excited. I actually have three spare. I think the nurses pitied me and decided to express their sympathy through extra bedding. Plus, I felt sorry for you.’

  ‘Holy shit. And I thought I was liked around here. They won’t even give me an extra chocolate pudding, let alone pillows!’

  ‘You’re clearly not hurt badly enough. It doesn’t pay to be liked, Alfie, it pays to be injured.’

  Even though he knew she was joking, he didn’t really know how to respond to that. He knew she was hurt badly, but the extent of her injuries was a mystery to him. Before he had time to formulate an adequate reply, she flo
ored him with a question.

  ‘Are you OK after what happened earlier? I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation.’

  He could almost feel her wince in anticipation of his response.

  ‘Oh. Yeah. I mean, I thought I was fine, but I guess if you ask that abused pillow I’ve left for dead over there, apparently I’m not.’

  She laughed. A shy half-laugh. He wondered if she ever allowed herself to laugh fully, or was it always a little held back and contained?

  ‘We’ve interviewed the victim and they are going to be pressing charges, sir. You want to tell us your side of the story?’

  He knew she was just playing but, as the darkness fell around them thick as velvet, he felt a strange urge to tell her things. The feelings and thoughts he’d kept buried deep down were suddenly clamouring to be heard. He wanted to share it all with her. Wanted to let her peek inside his head, even just for a moment.

  ‘Well, officer, I’ll keep this brief as I know you’re busy: my girlfriend of three years left me a week after my accident because she couldn’t deal with what happened. Apparently it was too difficult for her. So, not only did I have my leg amputated, not only did the wound swell, burst and then become infected, not only did I nearly die from the sepsis, but I was also left heartbroken. Please feel free to cry for me now if you wish.’

  He realized this was the first time he had ever really talked about this with anyone. He wasn’t ready to let her see the full extent of his heartache yet, but there was still a small relief in speaking about it. Everyone had been so concerned about upsetting him that they had either chosen to ignore the situation or they would tentatively skirt around the issue, keeping to the very edges of the subject at all times. They had been so focused on healing his physical injury that the pain from his heart was left for him to deal with, in secret and out of sight.

  ‘Alfie, what is wrong with you?’ Wow, he was not expecting that. Sure, he hadn’t given her the full emotional breakdown of events, but he was expecting at least a little bit of sympathy. ‘Why would you still ask after her when she acted like that? You’re too nice for your own good. I know you say you loved her, but to be frank, she sounds like a selfish idiot to me.’

  He wasn’t expecting that either. No one had ever been so direct with him before.

  ‘Well now, officer, that’s no way to speak to one of your suspects, no matter how heinous their crime.’

  ‘Alfie, are you ever serious? Just for one moment.’

  Twice now she’d caught him off guard with her questions. Something was making her bold tonight and he realized he was enjoying it.

  ‘No one wants serious, Alice. The world is full of shit as it is – look around you, for Christ’s sake! Why make it harder for yourself and everyone else by adding to it?’

  He heard the flicker of resistance in her tone.

  ‘What, so we all have to go around pretending nothing hurts? Pretending that everything is fantastic!’

  ‘No, but what’s the point of being miserable all the time? People don’t like miserable.’

  ‘So you want to pretend to be happy for other people? To get friends? Popularity? At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what other people think of you if you’re cut up and bleeding on the inside.’

  She was coming at him hard now, taking no prisoners with her words. Surely she couldn’t know that she was hitting him in the places that hurt most. Was she intentionally trying to tear down the defences he’d spent so many years meticulously building?

  Maybe he said what he said next because he was tired. Maybe it was because he’d forgotten to close the door on his emotions from earlier. Maybe he was just being spiteful.

  ‘And clearly being so serious gets you a total of fuck-all visitors when you’re at death’s door.’ His hand instinctively covered his mouth in a pathetic attempt to take back the poison he’d just spat out at her.

  Silence.

  He didn’t know what he could say to make anything good again. He just lay there, opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water.

  ‘I think you’re forgetting the delightful visit from my mother.’

  Laughter erupted from both sides of the curtain. Full, real, unapologetic laughter that shook his body and brought tears to his eyes. It was so loud he could see Sharon stirring across the room, but he didn’t care. There was no way of hiding it when you felt this alive.

  ‘Oh yeah, that one must have slipped my mind.’

  ‘Goodnight, Alfie.’

  The deliciousness of their moment had breathed a little bit of lightness into her words. He closed his eyes, held the scratchy pillow close to his chest, and inhaled the calm that had draped itself across them both.

  ‘Goodnight, Alice.’

  23

  Alice

  The moment he’d said it, she’d known he was right. There was no point in objecting or fighting over it, but although she’d managed to respond with humour, it didn’t stop it hurting. Through her own decisions, careless ways and strong will, Alice had successfully orchestrated it so that no one would be coming for her. Alice Gunnersley was alone, and for the first time in a long time it didn’t feel OK.

  She didn’t know why she’d decided to reach out to him, but she knew she couldn’t keep blaming boredom. There was definitely something hard to ignore when witnessing someone’s raw uncensored pain like that. Night after night, hearing him crying out didn’t make for easy listening. Alice might be stubborn and independent, but she wasn’t made of stone. Here was a man who provided so much life for everyone else around him by day, being reduced to a whimpering, vulnerable shell by night. Her wounds were painful and repulsive, but at least they were only skin-deep.

  She wasn’t sure if either of them slept that night, but by the time morning greeted them, they were both back to playing the part of well-rested individuals.

  ‘Hey.’ Alfie’s voice was quieter this time, no hint of bravado. It was clear he only wanted her to hear him, not the whole ward.

  ‘Hey.’

  ‘Look, about what I said last night. I’m sorry. It was out of order.’

  ‘Alfie, it’s fine.’ She didn’t want to get into apologies. In fact, she wanted to erase the whole thing from her mind.

  ‘No, listen. I know you’re going to tell me that I was right so there’s no need for me to say sorry, but I wasn’t right. I was very, very wrong. And look, if I get out of here sooner than you, I’ll come back and visit, whether you let me in behind that goddam curtain or not!’

  The sincerity in his voice tugged at something inside her chest and soon her cheeks were damp with tears. God, she must be really tired. Tiredness and hangovers were the only two legitimate excuses Alice ever allowed herself for showing emotion.

  ‘Well, there’s no way in hell I’d let you in to see me, but thank you.’

  She had an impulse to reach her hand across the divide and squeeze his. Instead she settled for holding her own. The texture of her skin felt so different from before. Sometimes she forgot there was a brand-new broken version of her to get used to.

  ‘You say that now, but trust me, I can be very determined when I want to be.’

  ‘You? Determined? Never!’

  ‘Sarcastic now as well, are we?’

  ‘Go away and annoy someone else, will you?’

  He let out a loud gasp. ‘Challenge accepted! Hey, Mr Peterson, you heard the woman. I’m coming for you.’

  Alice shook her head.

  ‘No one is coming for anyone just yet.’ Nurse Angles’ voice cut through their conversation. ‘Beds, everyone, and curtains closed, please.’

  Alice’s heart started racing. Despite her protests, she’d actually found herself looking forward to her day on the ward. Now that she was facing another humiliating physio session, any scrap of potential excitement had been destroyed.

  ‘Alice, honey, we’re going to have to get you up and out again. Give me two seconds to check we have the green light, and then I’ll come and he
lp, OK?’

  Nurse Angles was gone before she had a chance to even open her mouth.

  ‘Curtains closed, everyone – the quicker we do this, the quicker it’s over with,’ she barked.

  ‘How long is this military operation going to go on for? I thought I’d left the army forty years ago.’

  ‘Mr P, stop moaning and take a nap, will you?’ Alfie quipped.

  Hearing his voice come to her defence gave Alice an inexplicable feeling of relief.

  ‘OK, we are good to go.’ One of the nurses had accompanied Nurse Angles back inside Alice’s bay, along with the formidable wheelchair.

  ‘No pain no gain, neighbour. You got this.’

  She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the sound of him.

  Luckily there was no time for either. Nurse Angles hooked her arms underneath Alice’s and started to lift her up gently.

  Here we go again.

  *

  Once again Nurse Angles had pulled out all the stops. All the patients were confined to their beds, and the small female lounge to the right of the ward had been cleared to allow Alice full privacy. Darren was already there waiting when they wheeled her in, as cheery and upbeat as the last time she’d seen him.

  ‘Alice! So good to see you. How are you doing?’

  ‘OK,’ she muttered, terrified to learn what gruelling exercises he had in store for her.

  ‘Right, let’s get you up and out of this chair. Trust me, it won’t be long until you don’t need it any more.’ He winked encouragingly as he helped lift her up to standing.

  ‘OK, we are going to continue with the simple mobilization exercises we started last week. Take it slow and we can rest whenever you need …’

  It was another humiliating hour of her life, but instead of wanting to crawl into a hole and disappear, Alice found a small spark of resilience igniting inside her. The fiercely stubborn and ruthless competitor she was before the fire had begun to rear her head again. The old Alice was still in there, it seemed. As she forced her tired, stiff body to make the minuscule movements Darren was instructing her in, it dawned on her that this was the only way she was getting out of here, so she’d better find a way to do it and do it quickly.