Before I Saw You

by Emily Houghton

  29

  Alice

  ‘Alice.’ A voice drifted into the realms of her consciousness.

  ‘No, don’t tell her yet. She’ll refuse to see me. I need to be close enough that she can’t say no.’

  ‘I’m not sure that’s the best approach with a patient like Alice.’

  ‘Trust me. If anyone knows how to deal with Alice, it’s me.’

  ‘Right, OK, if you say so. Let’s go in and see if she’s up for visitors.’

  Alice was vaguely aware of a conversation happening about her. It was taking place somewhere just out of reach of her full consciousness. The voices sounded familiar but they didn’t quite make sense being here. They didn’t fit. Maybe she was still dreaming.

  ‘Alice, honey.’

  The voice was definitely louder now.

  ‘Alice, dear. Are you awake?’

  She really had spent too long on this ward if Nurse Angles was now appearing in her dreams.

  ‘Alice Gunnersley! I have travelled halfway around the world to come and see you, and you can’t even wake up!’

  Her eyes snapped open. Holy shit.

  ‘Sarah?’

  ‘I’m glad you haven’t forgotten the sound of my voice. Can I come in?’

  She was really here.

  ‘No! Please. No. Sarah, what the hell are you doing here? I told you not to come!’

  She was so confused. What was happening? It was only last night that she had been talking about her friend, longing for her to be here, and now she was standing just outside her cubicle. She had got exactly what she wanted, yet right now all she wanted was for her to disappear.

  ‘Alice, please? It’s me.’

  ‘If you aren’t feeling up to seeing anyone today, that’s OK,’ Nurse Angles interjected.

  She appreciated Nurse Angles’ attempt at protecting her, but she knew there would be no telling Sarah to go. Plus, deep down she didn’t want her to leave – she just needed a minute to compose herself. It had been such a long time since she’d seen her friend in the flesh, but she couldn’t bear to watch her face crumble into pity as she saw her for the first time.

  She took one deep inhalation and closed her eyes.

  ‘It’s fine, she can come in.’

  Suddenly the weight of Sarah was next to her. She didn’t even think twice as they wrapped their arms around each other and Alice held her friend close.

  ‘There’s my Alice. God, I’ve missed you.’

  Alice opened her eyes, and through the tears started to bring her best friend’s face into focus. She took in Sarah’s blonde hair, still fine and short, framing those elfin features and those eyes. The eyes that were coloured the deepest, brightest, kindest blue she’d ever seen. To look at them, you couldn’t have found two more opposite people. For all of Sarah’s lightness and brightness, Alice had an intense darkness. One of the guys at work had once kindly described Alice as ‘one of those earthy types. You know, a Stonehenge type of beautiful.’ Despite her pride being just a little wounded, she had to admit she knew what he meant. Still didn’t stop Dan from Accounting being an absolute arsehole though.

  The thing was, Alice had a presence about her. Her frame was strong and sturdy, and standing tall at nearly six foot there was no hiding her. Sarah, on the other hand, was small in all directions. Barely tall enough for her head to graze Alice’s armpit, she was slight and dainty.

  ‘Sarah. Why the hell di—’

  ‘Don’t even start. My best friend in the entire fucking world has been badly injured, in fact nearly killed, and on top of that isn’t replying to one single message I send her. Obviously I’m going to fly to be by her bedside. And don’t bullshit me, because I know you’d do exactly the same for me.’

  Like she said, there was no way she’d want to go up against Sarah in a fight.

  ‘Now, move up and make some space for me on this tiny piece-of-shit bed, and tell me what the hell happened.’

  ‘Jesus Christ. You’re literally here for less than a minute and you’re already telling me what to do.’

  ‘Yes,’ she said defiantly, swinging her legs up on to the bed without waiting for Alice to move. ‘What did you expect?’

  Alice looked her friend square in the face and was filled with such affection it made her heart want to burst.

  ‘Absolutely nothing less.’

  ‘I thought so. Now please move up, my arse is hanging off the side here.’

  Oddly, considering that Alice had not voluntarily let anyone this close to her since the accident, it didn’t feel uncomfortable having Sarah lie next to her. It felt like coming home.

  ‘So, now we’re sitting comfortably, are you going to tell me what happened?’

  Alice closed her eyes and began reciting all the information about the accident she’d managed to piece together. The only way she was going to get through it was to relay the events as though they belonged to someone else. There was no emotion left in her voice. Sarah listened patiently – she did not flinch or gasp or react, she simply allowed Alice to tell her story in its wholeness. The only sign that she was present was the hand that clasped hers tightly.

  ‘… and as soon as I was stable they moved me to this ward, I guess to kind of rehabilitate me before they eventually discharge me.’

  There was a long pause. Saying it out loud had brought the enormity of what had happened to life, and Alice could see her friend trying to digest it all at once.

  ‘I can’t believe you went through all of that by yourself!’ She nestled her face into Alice’s neck. ‘If you weren’t in hospital right now, I’d be pretty mad you didn’t demand I come over sooner. In fact, I am livid you didn’t give the hospital my mobile number, but I’m not surprised. It was a very clever move, Alice, but it didn’t work, did it? When will you realize you can’t do everything on your own? Anyway, that’s by the by. I’m here now, aren’t I? Have they said anything about when you might be ready to leave? What’s the treatment plan? Are they helping you enough? Do you want me to speak to one of the doctors? Someone told me you had barely spoken until recently? It’s not good enough if they aren’t supporting you, Al.’

  Hurricane Sarah had officially hit and Alice wasn’t quite sure the Moira Gladstone ward was ready for it. Remnants of last night’s conversation floated through her mind. It seemed that Alfie would actually get the privilege of meeting Sarah in the flesh.

  ‘Just breathe for a second, will you?’ It was what Alice always used to tell Sarah when she got herself worked up. ‘They’ve been amazing. Truly.’

  ‘OK.’ Sarah deflated before her eyes. ‘I’m just trying to make up for lost time here. So tell me, what have they done so far?’

  Alice could feel her friend’s entire being slow down to a normal pace. It was important to get her to switch gears when she was in these moods, otherwise she had the potential to upturn everything in her path. ‘I’ve had one operation, and depending on how the wounds heal and how bad the scarring is, there may be more. At the moment I’m doing physio to get me moving again, and they are treating the wounds every other day. It’s a bit of a waiting game.’

  ‘Fine. Well, you know I’ll help you with whatever you need.’ Sarah seemed satisfied with her answer, but Alice knew this was only temporary. Sarah liked action; she practically lived on to-do lists and tasks, and she was willing to bet big money that more questions were just around the corner.

  ‘And how … how are you feeling about it all?’

  There it was. The one question she really didn’t want to answer.

  ‘I was talking to Alfie about this last night. It’s all still quite overwhelming. The thought of leaving here feels way too big right now. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror – how am I going to be able to walk down the street, or leave the flat!’

  She felt Sarah squeeze her hand tighter.

  ‘There are so many things about what you just said that need addressing, but firstly I want to know who this Alfie is?’

  Alice ga
ve a deep belly laugh. Of course Sarah would latch on to that.

  ‘Alfie is the lucky son of a bitch who gets to lie next to your friend every day and night! Hi … I’m guessing you’re the Sarah?’

  A familiar hand shot through between the curtains. A smile of sheer delight erupted across Sarah’s face. Alice groaned. She knew that smile meant one thing and one thing only. Trouble.

  ‘Pleasure to meet you, Alfie,’ Sarah smirked as she shook his hand.

  ‘Come by any time, Sarah, my cubicle is an open curtain.’

  ‘I’ll be sure to, don’t you worry.’

  Alice practically disappeared under the covers as Sarah flashed her a knowing wink.

  30

  Alfie

  As much as Alice had tried to convince him that Sarah wouldn’t come for her, Alfie had known deep down it was only a matter of time. A part of him thought he might be jealous that Sarah was allowed inside Alice’s cubicle, but all he felt was relief that someone was going to be by her side. He tried so hard not to listen to their conversation. It felt intrusive and inappropriate. At one point, Alfie was tempted to turn the TV up as loud as possible, but then he thought that in itself was intrusive, so he turned to his faithful puzzle books. He managed quite well for a while, engrossing himself in a particularly hard Sudoku, but when he heard his name mentioned he couldn’t help but listen in. How could he not? They were talking about him!

  After their brief introduction he forced himself to remain quiet. He knew they needed space, and luckily he had another physio session in the afternoon to take him away from any further temptation to make conversation. Just as he was making his way out of the ward, he heard someone running up behind him.

  ‘Hey, hold up a second, will you. It’s Alfie, isn’t it?’

  ‘The very one.’

  Sarah looked him up and down, cocked her head to one side and then gave an approving smile. He appreciated how she barely blinked when she saw his missing leg. No lingering stare, no quick aversion of the eyes to pretend she hadn’t seen what he was lacking; just a steady gaze, taking him all in. Apparently he’d passed the test.

  ‘Do you want anything from Pizza Express?’

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘Pizza Express. I’m going to get some food for Al – did you want anything? I’m hoping you’re the kind of guy that knows exactly what he wants, or equally can make a decision in about thirty seconds.’

  Wow, this woman took assertive to the next level. He definitely approved.

  ‘I’ll have the American Hot, extra pepperoni and a share-size plate of dough balls.’ He couldn’t help but smile a little smugly at her. ‘Please.’

  ‘Nicely done.’ She nodded, turned, and walked off without saying another word.

  *

  His physio session with Darren turned out to be extremely successful, which did nothing to put Alfie in a good mood. He knew he should be celebrating his achievements, but every ounce of progress took him closer to leaving the ward and re-entering the reality of the outside world. Darren wanted to talk about it. What plans was he putting in place, how were his parents preparing for his return? He knew he’d have to face it soon, but every time he began thinking about it, he conveniently found something much more important and interesting to focus on. Although, he had to admit, seeing that pizza box by his bedside when he arrived back on the ward helped cheer him up a lot.

  ‘Sorry, we ate the dough balls – we got hungry and you were taking ages!’ Sarah called out.

  ‘Are you kidding me?!’

  ‘Obviously she’s joking. They’re in the box.’ There was a hint of exasperation in Alice’s voice, as if she was dealing with two unruly children.

  ‘Thank God for that. Don’t you underestimate me, Sarah. I may only have one leg, but you get in between me and food and there will be trouble.’

  ‘Don’t play the one-leg card with me. It won’t get you anywhere!’

  ‘Doesn’t get me very far now anyway, to be frank.’

  ‘Ha! Touché.’

  ‘I’m really not sure how I’m going to be able to deal with the two of you together. I thought having Alfie’s relentless joking was tiring enough.’

  ‘Jesus, Alice, when did you get so serious?’

  ‘Perhaps when I went and got 40 per cent of my body burnt in a fire?’ Alice shot back.

  ‘Ah, there she is!’

  It was so funny having two voices to deal with from behind the curtain. He felt like he was back at school, trying to get on the good side of the popular girls. Alfie sat back in bed, pizza slice in one hand and dough ball in the other.

  These next few days are going to be really fun.

  31

  Alice

  The moment Sarah arrived at Alice’s bedside, it was as though she’d never been away. Everything felt so familiar that Alice would fleetingly forget about her burns and the bitterness and the bleak hospital surroundings. She felt like her old self again, the unstoppable, unflappable Alice Gunnersley. One look down at her arm, though, would bring reality crashing down around her.

  ‘Alice. You know that visiting hours are finished – please could your guest leave?’ Nurse Bellingham stood stony-faced at the end of the bed. ‘Quickly.’ Everyone else on shift had managed to turn a blind eye, but not her.

  ‘Sorry, nurse. I’m going now, I promise.’ Sarah hurriedly gathered up her belongings, which were already spread over every available surface. ‘I’ll be back tomorrow, OK, Al?’ She leant over and planted a gentle kiss on the top of her head.

  ‘Where are you staying tonight? How long are you even here for?’ Questions bombarded Alice’s mind. The day had felt like a dream, and there had been no space for logistics and practicalities until now.

  ‘Staying with Mum tonight, God help me, and then I’ll get an Airbnb or a hotel sorted tomorrow.’ Sarah looked at Alice apologetically. ‘And … annoyingly, I could only manage to get ten days off work. They said that with me still being quite new, they couldn’t afford to give me much more. I’m so sorry, Al.’

  Ten days.

  A hard lump was forming in her throat, tears pricking her eyes.

  Just enjoy it. Day by day.

  Since when had she got so goddam needy? Had she underestimated the extent of her damage after all? Perhaps nearly dying had left its emotional scars too. She swallowed down the disappointment and dragged a smile on to her face.

  ‘Don’t be silly. It’s amazing you’re even here.’ She prayed the sincerity had masked the disappointment. ‘Genuinely.’

  ‘Miss Gunnersley, if I come in there and find that your friend has not in fact left yet, I will be extremely unhappy.’

  Sarah’s eyes widened as she tried her best not to laugh. She lowered her voice to a whisper. ‘It’s like we’re back at school again! Right, I’m going. I love you and I’ll see you tomorrow. Unless of course this woman murders me on the way out for breaking her rules.’

  ‘Just run really, really quickly.’

  In one mad dash of bag, blonde hair and swearing, Sarah was gone. Alice couldn’t stop herself from laughing out loud when she heard her friend’s departing cry: ‘Alfie, I’m bringing pain au chocolat tomorrow for breakfast – hope that’s OK?’

  ‘Hell, yeah!’ her neighbour shouted back.

  It turned out that Alice wasn’t going to be the only one benefiting from Sarah’s arrival. Alice didn’t mind. Before now, Alfie had started to become the closest thing she’d had to a friend. It might have changed her thoughts on him if Sarah hadn’t liked him. As brutal as that sounded, Sarah’s opinions were important to Alice. If she didn’t like someone, it would be hard for Alice to either.

  ‘I can see why she’s your best friend. My God, she’s a whirlwind.’

  Alice grinned; he sounded like an awestruck little boy.

  ‘Yeah. I think she might even have more energy than you.’

  ‘Absolutely not! There is no way I’m accepting that. You can’t judge her performance on one day – the real test is ho
w she fares after spending ten days in this place.’

  ‘That is very true, although I still back her.’

  ‘How predictable. Always underestimating me, aren’t you?’

  ‘I wouldn’t dare, Alfie …’

  ‘Hmmm. I’m not quite sure I believe you, Miss Gunnersley.’

  ‘Goodnight, Alfie.’

  A smile lingered on her lips.

  ‘Goodnight, Alice.’

  *

  ‘Ladies, I need your help.’

  ‘I’m sure you need many people’s help. What’s up?’

  The next day, the rapport between her two friends was so natural that Alice had to remind herself they’d only just met.

  ‘Sarah, don’t even ask. It’s going to be a stupid crossword clue.’

  ‘Well, I won’t be asking for your expertise in the future then, will I? No more puzzle fun for you.’

  The thought of him turning his nose up in defiance made her smile.

  What do you look like, Alfie Mack?

  Would Sarah laugh at her if she asked? Of course she would!

  Why do you even care?

  She didn’t care so much as she was simply curious.

  Sarah’s voice cut her daydreaming short. ‘Come on then, what’s the clue? And if it’s simple, I’m going to be really pissed off.’

  ‘It’s probably simple for a mind like Alice’s, to be fair.’

  ‘Flattery will get you nowhere, Alfie. I’m not going to indulge you in this game.’ She wasn’t in the mood for his charm.

  ‘Fine, be like that. So, Sarah … we are looking for a five-letter word. Clue is “long-term prisoner”.’

  ‘A-L-I-C-E.’ Sarah laughed at her own joke.

  ‘That’s a good one! But unfortunately not quite the answer we were looking for.’

  Alice scowled at her friend.

  ‘What? Don’t give me that look. You’re the one that apparently refuses to leave this bloody cubicle.’

  ‘Excuse me?’

  Who the hell told her?

  ‘The nurses told me this morning on my way in.’